[epilogue]Â happiness was short-lived, you realized in a hard way.Â
you realize it when your husband, tooru, leaves for volleyball way before you wake up. you realize this when you fall asleep to an empty bed, after hours of trying to communicate with your stubborn husband, who absolutely refuses to come home not satiated with practice. you realize this when you notice that you barely hear your husband say âi love youâ back.
you know he does not mean it. he does not mean it when he takes out his frustration with you, scarring you with knives for words. he does not mean it when he leaves you â the one he claims he will love the most â for his coping mechanism, his passion, his salvation.
you constantly think and wonder on where you are placed in his life.
the ring finger on your left hand never felt more empty. never felt more light. and despite what you had forced yourself to think for the past few days, your heart your yearns for your husband. you deserve better, you should never, ever second-guess where you are in the embrace of someone you promised forever with, you repeat to yourself like a mantra.Â
you play with your wedding ring, feeling it, touching it, trying to remember how it fit in your ring finger because you were afraid that your husband will never run after you. not that you would have accepted him back. you just wanted to see the horror in his face. you wanted to hear him say he loved you. you wanted to hear so much from him, it was too sad that you could only get to hear it when he was in the verge of losing you.
now, all that was left to do was to leave. your bags were already packed with most of your things. you cleaned the entire apartment, leaving notes as reminders because as much as you wanted to hate your husband for claiming empty promises, you still cared. you cooked a week worth of food and left it in the fridge because you knew tooru. you knew how he wouldnât forgive himself for letting go of something he had promised to hold on for the rest of his life.
you finally say goodbye.Â
tooru knew that one day, youâd finally accept the fact that you werenât that high in his priority list. he waits patiently, giving subtle hints. he waits patiently, guiltily, selfishly, as he hesitantly reciprocates the love you have given to him. he doesnât want to lead you on, but how did it come to this?
how did it come to the point of him having a panic attack when he sees your things gone? why was he breaking down at the sight of an empty apartment? why was he crying even more when he sees the food that you cooked? didnât he want you gone? didnât he think of you as a distraction? didnât he give himself excuses because he knew, deep inside, you were off better with someone else?
he wants to beg, but to who? he doesnât know where you are, and heâs pretty sure your friends wouldnât give him a second of their day.Â
his heart stops when he sees your wedding ring at the counter. he finally realizes how selfish it was; always keeping you distant, and when you finally walk away, heâd beg for you to come back to him.
all youâve ever wanted was a happy ending. tooru was to give you a happy ending, just not with him.
tooru, after telling himself he was always ready, was actually not ready to say goodbye.
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