'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
The tree in the bay window was decorated with care
And-hold on just a minute- is that a hornet’s nest in there?
As I realized this, oh how they began to swarm
Just my luck, as my hot cocoa was finally warm
As choirs over the stereo continued to sing
40,000 angry yellowjackets got ready to sting.
They stung my elbows, they stung my forehead
“One’s stinger is stuck in my eyeball!” I said
It’s A Wonderful Life played on the bigscreen TV
As I swelled up and reddened due to bee allergy
In pain, I teared up, at my wounds, tightly gripped
“I hope one of these gifts is an ointment”, I quipped
The tree shook again, as if doing the twist
And out marched a line of red fire ants, pissed.
I looked out the window at new-fallen snows
The ants joined with the bees and gnawed first at my toes
I screamed out in anguish, someone please hear my wails!
Then out from the trunk of the tree came the snails.
Though they couldn’t bite, they were still wicked gross
I clearly felt 4 or 5 enter my nose
I’m used to the Grinch, Frosty, and old Mr. Scrooge
But Christ did you just see that centipede? HUGE!
I heard the ding of the oven, my cookies were baked
A torrent of worms made the whole building quake
Goddamnit, how stupid, of all the trees on the lot
“This is why it was priced so darn cheaply” I thought
Won’t somebody aide me, won’t somebody help?
I thought as tarantulas engulfed my scalp
As if just in time, through the fireplace flu
I hear “Ho ho ho! How may I help you”
Oh whoa it was Santa! No fooling it was!
He really exists! I told you he does!
He had the red suit, he had the white beard
He had the giant antennae and six legs all tiered
His cheeks were like roses, his dimples how merry
His thorax was just like the picture books, hairy!
He had a broad face and a little round belly
And pincers that drooled out a thick viscous jelly
His mittens were leather, he was cinnamon-scented
His eyes were bulged out and crazy segmented
“Oh Santa, thank goodness, this really is neat-o
can you pull my head from the mouth of this giant mosquito?”
He spoke not a word, and went straight to his work
He began eating the bugs like a man gone berserk
He gobbled down moths and he slurped up the ticks
He smacked away my offer of peppermint sticks
And just like that all of the insects were gone
As some carolers sang “Silent Night” on the lawn
Old Santa Claus patted his now-quite-full tummy
And started wrapping himself in a cocoon like a mummy
But before he did that, he looked at me, the small boy
And went to his sack, just to fetch me a toy
But though the undertree bare and the stockings hung
It’s not toys this sack was full up with, but santa’s young
Yes, pulsating pupas glistening green and larval
“It’s just what I asked for” I started to marvel
Of course I was lying, I wanted a frisbee
But the prenatal insects all started to kiss me
They all called me mommy and jumped in my arms
And even I wasn’t immune to their charms
“Oh Santa” I cried, “I love my new brood”
But he’d already wrapped himself up (kinda rude)
So from then on each Christmas, a tradition made new
I receive a giant bag of bug baby goo
Happy Holidays, everybody!
jacobvanloon
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