Johanna Lynne Is

if your grandma had a blog, a foul mouth, and was from Massachusetts, she'd be me.

[johannalynne]

It’s Comin’ Around Again

Last year, I had a bunch of goals, and some ways to measure them. This year, I don’t really have that. I don’t even really have any intentions - I kind of just have.... a start. 

My major “intention” for 2018 is to 

Refill the Ice Cube Trays. 

Not the literal ones. Or, not only the literal ones. But the metaphorical ones too. I’m going to both stop ignoring the fact that the trays are empty and that could be fixed in seconds, and I’m also going to start doing a thing if it can be done quickly or simply, rather than noticing it and kind of just walking away. In the sense of like, “Pick the thing up off the floor rather than stepping over it” and in the sense of “Eat when I’m hungry rather than waiting until I’m famished” and in the sense of “Ask for help when I need it, rather than trying to ignore it until it either goes away or makes me want to die” 

Also, one of the things I’m working on is trying to get pregnant again - but that’s a tough goal to set, because it’s an easy one to miss for no fault of your own. So instead, I’m aiming to do as many things as possible that make me feel like me again. Partly because when I got pregnant last March, I was hanging out with friends, starting an exercise plan, and feeling equal parts okay and wildly depressed. But I mean... I was doing and trying. 

SO, I’m hoping to find a choir I can sing with, that doesn’t have auditions where you can be rejected, and that still will be good. I’m hoping to set up friend dates with a few more friends, on a recurring basis, so that I can remember that I’m the kind of person who has friends more frequently. I’m trying to build a fitness routine, because I feel good when my body feels good, and my body feels good, as much as I don’t want to admit it, when I’m using it for things that are a little outside its comfort areas. And I want to find or form a fiber community/knit night group, because I like the idea of having a group of people unconnected any way beyond the fact that we all make things with sticks and string. 

It seems like a lot, and also like not much. But.... it’s a start. 

[johannalynne]

Baader Meinhof and Me

The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is the name for that sensation where, if you buy a new red car, you suddenly see/notice all the red cars around you on the daily, or if a friend tells you about a new band, you’ll suddenly start to hear them or hear about them everywhere. 

The Baader-Meinhof Phenomenon is generally accepted to be caused by two mental processes -- selective attention, and confirmation bias. Selective attention makes you unconsciously pay more attention to a topic/color of car/ band because it’s become relevant to you, and therefore notice it more often. Confirmation bias means that every time you do hear about/see/notice the thing, you’re reassured that it really IS just popping up everywhere now that you’ve heard about it/bought the car/whatever. 

What Baader-Meinhof has to do with me is that I went a significant amount of time, almost a year, with only one pregnancy announcement from a friend. I had friends who were pregnant, but from roughly last summer through the end of my own pregnancy, only one friend announced that she was pregnant that I can think of.  Since I got pregnant in March, FIVE of my friends have also gotten pregnant, and have gotten to the place where they’re able to announce it to people. Yes, indeed, I DO feel like since I finally achieved pregnancy, my friends getting pregnant started showing up everywhere. And of course, because you’re not supposed to tell people that you’re pregnant until the start of the second trimester, that means that I have seen a LOT of pregnancy announcements recently. They’re everywhere.  Coincidentally, so are my emotions. 

I need to channel this all into something. Or sublimate or whatever - I need to focus on a thing or things I CAN control right now, rather than being overwhelmed by this big thing and its resultant unpredictable emotions that I can’t control.  Current Sublimation List: 

Exercise - I can control whether I exercise or not, and I’m doing it, and what I’m doing. It’s really not that difficult to focus on getting up and riding two laps around the park on my bike in the morning. If it’s raining, I have the NIke Training Club app and I can do their yoga workouts because I have a spacious living room and a yoga mat.

Knitting - I can knit my stress away. Or at least, knit through the hurts. I have a sweater I’m working on, I have multiple shawls on my needles, as well as socks and a lot of things I’m hoping to make. Time to clear out the WIP list

Journaling - I started writing in a journal every night before going to sleep. I’m trying to find a balance between Meh, nobody cares if I do this, and MUST WRITE EVERY NIGHT OR DOOOOOOM. But so far, I just want to use my fancy pens and write some stuff down. 

All these things are kind of private, and wholly controllable by me, and I’m responsible for all stages of them. Time to start paying attention to something else, and control some things that I can.  

[johannalynne]

Healing in Stages

I was pregnant for ten weeks and 4 days. 

I’ve been un-pregnant for eleven weeks. 

Healing is hard. 

It’s summer, which is my favorite season, and I’ve been trying my best to keep a list of positive things about not being pregnant, even if they’re wildly selfish.  Things like: 

It’s currently 86 degrees and I was still able to ride my bike today. 

I could have as many margaritas as I wanted when my best friend came to visit for a night a couple weeks ago. 

I’m able to fully enjoy my new mattress, because I’m not having any problems sleeping. 

Sushi. 

Tomato sandwiches. 

Having a cocktail at the nail salon while getting a pedicure. 

When I start to get low about the fact that I have now been un-pregnant for longer than I was pregnant at all, when it starts to hurt, I remind myself of these wonderful things, things I can enjoy because of where I am right now, and I try to be okay. It works most of the time, or at least lets me keep going, especially since between my blog posts here, and the announcements I made on social media, most of my friends and social circle know about it. 

Then, there’s things that just fucking blindside me. 

Like, the fact that when I put on my bikini today, to make sure everything looked good and was ok for a beach trip, all I could see was the body that didn’t manage to turn sperm and egg into baby. All I could see was the fact that I’d been really, really excited about going to the beach this summer in a bikini with a second-trimester belly, and that’s not happening this summer. 

I freaked out. I lost it. And now I’m trying to figure out how to explain to my friend, who I was hoping to go to the beach with, that I don’t think I can do it today. I don’t think I can go to the beach in this body, today, because I’m being crushed by the weight of all that hope-turned-grief. And it’s not about body-image, even though of course if it can’t have a second-trimester belly, with a second-trimester baby inside, my body doesn’t look like what I’d hope it would. But it’s all there, every piece of it, and it’s mine and I love it. This isn’t, for me, at this moment, about not having a “beach body” or a flat stomach or whatever. It’s just about the fact that I still feel like there should be a baby in there. And there’s not. And I don’t know how much of this I can handle, or whether I need today to just be sad about it. I don’t know. 

Nine times out of ten, I’m fine. I can take things like people announcing their pregnancies, or friends having their babies, and be okay after a little while. But right now? I’m not okay. I’ve been knocked over by the wave of grief that comes in cycles, and right now, I’m not just getting back up. I’m sad. And tired. And I’m mourning. 

[johannalynne]

Ten Weeks Two Days (Sort of)

Ok, folks. Sit down for a story. I was going to keep this off Ye Olde Internet, but based on what the House just voted for, I can't. I found out I was pregnant in April 1, 2017. I called around, found an OBGYN accepting both my health insurance AND new patients, and I set up an appointment. Over the past month, I've had 5 appointments. 5 Ultrasounds. 2 Blood Tests. And now, because that pregnancy didn't grow, because it didn't progress, because it died inside my body somewhere between weeks 9 and 10, I have to have a procedure to remove whatever is left that used to protect the yolk sac that was supposed to grow into a baby, or else I risk infection, scarring, death from infection, and difficulty conceiving in the future. Because I have health insurance through my employer that covers maternity care, I had to pay one copay, $30. Once. I haven't paid for any other office visits, a blood test, or a sonogram, because the premium I pay every paycheck covers those tests. I have no idea how much I'll have to pay to have the remains of what was going to be my daughter or son removed from my body. But because I have health insurance that covers maternity care, I know it'll be way less than what the procedure will actually cost. However. If the AHCA actually passes the Senate, it's possible that my insurance company won't cover maternity care in the future, because they won't be required to. It's possible that I might be rejected from coverage, for the pre-existing condition of having miscarried. It's possible that I might have to deal with a coverage cap, that limits how much treatment I can receive, regardless of the circumstances. So, yknow, since pregnancy is super safe and nothing ever goes wrong with it, that's not something I'll need to worry about if this passes, right?? Oh wait. That's wrong. Pregnancy comes with a ton of risks for both mother and child. And they're mostly expensive risks. Right. And hey, I'm a well paid white woman with a full time job. For women of color, for poor women, for the disabled and the diabetic and the ones with cancer or CANCER SURVIVORS, it'll be worse than it could be for me. Please. Call your Senators. Tell them you do not support this abomination of an act. Tell them you will vote their heartless asses out of office if they support this bill, and follow through with it. If your Representative voted for this bill, call their office and tell them you hope they enjoyed their time in Congress, because you are going to fight like hell to kick them out at mid-terms. Please, do that for the Baby B I don't get to meet. Whose mom I don't get to be.

[johannalynne]

Eight Weeks and Five Days

Hi. I’m currently eight weeks and five days pregnant. 

I’m not supposed to tell anybody that, though. 

I’m not supposed to tell anyone except maybe my husband (seriously, the number of times I got asked if my husband knew I was pregnant... what the hell) that I’m pregnant until I’m twelve weeks and one day pregnant. Because at twelve weeks and one day, I’m through the most uncertain part of the pregnancy, the first trimester, the part where anything could go wrong, and you could end up with a distressing lack of baby, like happens with roughly one in five recognized pregnancies. 

In fact, right at this moment, eight weeks and five days into this pregnancy, it’s entirely likely that I’m experiencing that one in five scenario. I was told on Friday that the organism in my uterus isn’t developing, and is probably not viable. They couldn’t pick up a heartbeat, and at eight weeks and three days, there should have been a heartbeat. At eight weeks and three days, the organism should have measured larger than six weeks and three days. At eight weeks and three days, apparently, if this happens, it’s nothing I did wrong. It’s usually the result of chromosomes not matching up the way they should. Some part of the egg and the sperm that met up didn’t click together right. This was never going to be a baby. 

I have to go back to the doctor on Tuesday, to review the results of Friday night’s blood test, and to discuss what the next steps are. If the results show what the doctor suspected, the level of pregnancy hormone in my blood won’t have increased to the expected level, which will confirm (presumably) that the pregnancy isn’t developing as it should have, and then I will presumably have a procedure to remove the physical parts of the non-developing pregnancy at some point, and once the levels of pregnancy hormones in my blood drop back to normal non-pregnant numbers, I’ll get my period, and we can start trying again. 

That’s right. Even after I presumably have a surgical procedure to remove a non-viable pregnancy from my body, my body will still think it’s pregnant. In fact, right now by body is stubbornly asserting that it’s pregnant, in the same way it has been for the past month since the symptoms started. So for an unknown number of days going forward, I’ll have a reminder of the month when, for the first time, I was actually pregnant, but it didn’t work out. 

And, apparently, I’m supposed to go through this all alone, or possibly only with the support of my spouse. I’m not supposed to have told anyone that I’m pregnant. I’m not supposed to have anyone to hold my hand and let me cry, or to let me scream or to look the other way if I want to do something damaging to my body like drink a whole bottle of bourbon. Because I’m not supposed to tell anybody that I’m pregnant until this scary, lonely time is over. It also means, since so many people don’t talk about it, that there isn’t as much information available about what happens during these first twelve weeks. Or what could happen. Or how those things could happen. 

And you’re supposed to keep quiet. You’re supposed to hide this amazing joy and this ridiculous fear, and the nausea and the pain and the fatigue and all the other things that come along with the first twelve weeks of being pregnant, and no one can really tell me much about why except, in case it doesn’t work out. Which, yeah, sure. But if it doesn’t work out, as is the case with me right now, I am absolutely going to need support, not to have to hide that too. 

Luckily, I told people. I told my dearest friends right away when I found out I was pregnant, although I didn’t tell my parents, or my brother. I’ve told three coworkers, for different reasons: 

Asked me to be on the team of searchers for fire or emergency drills, and I had to tell her that no, I couldn’t do that, and then when she kind of poked at me for wanting to get out right away during a fire drill, I had to tell her that I’m pregnant. 

Asked me for help setting up a team-wide drinking game, and I realized that I would need someone to help deflect team attention from my lack of participation in said game. 

Asked if I was pregnant when I told her that I couldn’t take prescription drugs for migraines at the moment, and was relegated to just Tylenol. 

I told my friends that it’s not working out. I called my mom and broke the news to her yesterday morning, in what was possibly the shittiest way on earth to tell your mother that you’re pregnant: 

Hi, Mom! I’m currently eight weeks and four days pregnant, and unfortunately, the pregnancy isn’t developing as it should. I’m probably going to have to have a D&C, and depending on the scheduling, that might mean that I have to miss your 60th birthday next weekend. 

Seriously, that sucked. 

But, I’m telling people. Even people like my two dearest friends from growing up, who now live in Brooklyn, and who did not know I was pregnant. I told them yesterday afternoon, because I wanted them to know, and they were amazing. They brought us food last night, and tissues and heaps of chocolate, and though they say it was nothing, it wasn’t. It was a lot of something. It meant the world, and I am so, so touched. 

And I am so, so pissed that I am expected to go through this loss quietly. Neatly. Invisibly. Because nobody is supposed to know that I’m in pain, since nobody is supposed to know that I’m pregnant in the first place. The messiness of my grief and the weight of my sadness would just confuse people, who didn’t know and therefore wouldn’t know what to say, so I’m just supposed to keep it all the hell inside. 

And this goes doubly for my poor husband, who doesn’t even have close friends that he’s told, who can turn around and offer him support. And who feels like he’s balanced on the knife’s edge of breaking down and being strong for me, and not knowing which is best or which is right. 

This is awful. And I refuse to go through it alone. I’m reaching out. I’m asking for help. I’m fucking tired of the notion that we can’t talk about pregnancy or when it doesn’t work out until after we’ve left the part of pregnancy where the vast majority of losses occur. 

[johannalynne]

Goals Review Week 11

This has been an interesting week for me. I’m actually super proud of myself for the little things I’ve done, and I can see April on the horizon, which is nice. So, a quick recap of my goals. 

Light It Up - I have had some fun times this week. I met a Facebook friend in real life at a party and it was amazing, I found a gin-based cocktail that I enjoy, I ate some great food. 

Go Back to Scotland - MY PASSPORT CAME LAST NIGHT!!!! I’ve found a date range that I’m going to keep my eye on as potential travel dates, I have plenty of time to find a really good AirBnB, I feel like now that I have the actual US Passport, I can progress. Good. 

Actively Choose to See Friends More - HOO BOY DID I NAIL THIS ONE THIS WEEK. I went and hung out with a friend on Monday during the day, because I had a vacation day. Then, at a pair of friends’ birthday party Monday night, I had a blast, saw lots of friends, and bonded with the above-mentioned Facebook friend turned IRL friend. Awesome. I went out for cocktails with my coworkers on Thursday, and I had dinner and drinks with two of my oldest friends on Friday. PLUS. I WENT TO THE GYM WITH A FRIEND ON FRIDAY MORNING!!!!!

Knit Things, Not Just Rows - Ehhhhhh. I am working on the border of my The Doodler, and I have plans for next projects, so I need to just fucking finish it. 

Find a Way to Enjoy Cooking Again - NOPE. Fuck it. I made jambalaya on Sunday night and other than that I didn’t do a darn bit of cooking this week. Blah. 

Realize a Personal Style - It’s cold. As fuck. My personal style is “Blanket Gremlin” for the forseeable future. 

Share. Talk, Blog, Vent, Therapy - I mentioned having reached out to a friend to try and go to the gym together. As I expected, she wasn’t able to make her schedule work for it. So I asked on a friend’s Facebook group if anyone could be an IRL gym buddy for me. AND SOMEBODY IS. I reached out and asked for help, I explained about the Depression Blanket of Sadness, and a friend said, “Yeah, I can help”. 

Get Rid of What Weighs You Down - Bonk.

Say Yes. Reach Out - YEAH! I did this! I reached out to more than one person for help with the gym thing. I said yes to dinner and drinks with friends and drinks with my coworkers. It worked. I did the thing.

I’m looking forward to April, and to our CSA starting back up, and to planning my trip to Scotland, and to more sunshine and to moving my body more. 

[johannalynne]

Mid-March Update

Oh boy. 

HI. 

I’ve done a really, really terrible job of keeping up with this blog, which is actually something that I’ve wanted to do over the past 6 weeks. However, mental illness is a bitch, and Depression found me and wrapped me in its Blanket of Sadness and lo, I have been brought down. It’s been really hard this winter, especially, to do the majority of the things that I know would help me feel better. Things like exercising, and eating good food, and seeing my friends, have been more difficult because the Blanket of Sadness weighs me down, and while I’m not weeping and wailing all the time, I’m exhausted down to my bones and I feel like there’s really no point in fighting through it. This is typical of depressive episodes for me, and in an ideal world, I’d be in therapy, and possibly on prescribed medication to help me get through it; in our world, though, my health insurance doesn’t cover a single mental health professional in the entire City of New York, and so I am trying to just ride it out. I’m asking for small celebrations from dear friends, people who understand and know where I’m coming from, and I’m getting support and love from my hubster and my friends and it’s been... good. 

I have a weight lifting plan that I’m paying for, that goes for 6 months, and which I’ve been hoping to start. I really want a friend to come do it with me, though, and unfortunately I can’t find a friend to do it. I just reached out to one, who is great at setting and sticking to routines, and who is probably least likely to be able to wiggle her life around to come to the gym with me. I wish I wasn’t so bad at self-motivation and also that I was able to decide to set a routine, rather than having to claw myself through one endlessly. I’m hoping that this friend will be able to come with me at least twice a week. If that happens, and I do yoga at the 7am class I love a couple times a week, which will help me keep getting up early enough to go to the gym with Friendo the other days without a struggle, it’s entirely possible that I might be able to somehow claw myself into said routine. Maybe. 

At least it won’t be dark out in the mornings for a bit. I hope. 

Update on my 2017 goals under the jump, for those of you reading with a jump style format. C’mon, JohannaLynne. Time to do better. For you. 

Light It Up - Nah. Nah. A little better lately, I’ve had some fun and done some stuff, but ultimately, I’ve just been trying to keep the lights on lately. 

 Go Back to Scotland - I actually did something about this - YAY ME! I got my passport photo taken. I wrote the check. And back in February, I actually mailed the goddamn application. The Department of State has cashed my check, and my passport is being processed. 

Actively Choose to See Friends More - This one, too, I have done! I went on a date night with my friend Jocelyn last weekend, and this past week, when I knew I would be using some carryover vacation days, I reached out to a friend who is a contractor, to see if she wanted to hang out while I was off. I’ve gone to birthday presents, and only bailed on one event that I couldn’t bring myself to attend. Considering my mental state lately, I’m giving myself a solid B+ on that one. 

Knit Things, Not Just Rows - I’ve finished two pairs of socks, I have an additional two pairs that I’m working on, and I can see the finish line on my The Doodler. I’m doing ok here. 

Find a Way to Enjoy Cooking Again - I’m not sure, but I think I might’ve had some success with this one. We’ve been trying to operate on the Tamar Adler House Meal idea, which for us has been basically rice bowls, and it’s worked. I’m happy with it. I made some great cornbread this weekend, I made some great jambalaya, and hey, baby steps. 

Realize a Personal Style - Tank. I haven’t been thinking of my clothes at all lately. It’s cold and I want to wear 63 sweaters and scarves and ... no.

Share. Talk, Blog, Vent, Therapy - Not really! I’ve kind of scratched the surface with a few people, I’ve reached out and I’ve asked people for support when I’ve had small successes that felt big, and when I’ve been sad and struggling, I’ve listed off the people who love me, to remind myself that I’m loved and supported. (I’m not a danger to myself, it’s just a good reminder that I’m not in this alone) 

Get Rid of What Weighs You Down - No. Fail. I unplugged an alarm clock that I’ve had since college that has bitten the dust, but I haven’t gotten rid of it. I have an Instant Pot on my kitchen counter that doesn’t work, and I haven’t pulled the liner out, ordered a new one, and put the old one on the street yet. I haven’t gotten rid of any more clothes. Fail. I’ll try better on this one in Q2, I guess... 

Say Yes. Reach Out - I actually have done this. I’ve gone to things when I wanted to stay home. I’ve asked people if they wanted to hang out. I’ve sent text messages when I previously would’ve stayed quiet because I’m lazy. 

[johannalynne]

Goals Review - Week 1

So last week, I posted a picture of my goals for 2017. I don’t like to call them resolutions, but y’know - they’re things I want to focus on for the year. I thought I’d go through the list, and kind of see what I did to accomplish or work toward some of those goals each week. Sometimes, I won’t have done much of one of the goals, and that’s ok. Sometimes I’ll have done a LOT of a certain goal, and that’s ok too. 

1. Light It Up - obviously this one is vague. But, I mean, I went out dancing until 3am last night, and I’ve made my friends laugh, and I’ve connected with my coworkers, and I’ve actually felt like I’m living vibrantly this week. So yeah.  

2. Go Back to Scotland - this one comes in small stages. I spent this week trying to find a place that takes passport photos - which is harder than it might originally seem. A lot of places will print passport photos, but you have to take them yourself, and frankly, the specifications for photos accepted by the US Passport office are a bit narrower than I’m able to comply with comfortably, so I”m going to find a place to take my photo come hell or high water. I’ll hit one of the FedEx/Kinko’s around this week, and by Thursday, I will have the package in the mail with my form and photo, my old passport, and my marriage certificate. Boom. 

3. Actively Choose to See Friends More - I went out dancing with a friend this week, and planned dinner with another friend in a few weeks, and a birthday dinner for that same friend early next month. It’s a start. 

4. Knit Things, Not Just Rows - My Instagram shows that I’m doing this. In the past 7 days, I’ve finished a sweater and a pair of socks, started another sock (I’ve turned the heel and started moving through the gusset) and started a shawl. I think this one is going well. I’m also kind of energized by the finishing feeling, and that makes me feel like I can finish other things, and that’s pretty great. Also, since I’m trying to not buy yarn until Rhinebeck this year (that’s buy. So like, if somebody buys yarn for me, that’s ok. Always) it’s good to feel like I might finish things and knit down the stash. I’m getting a little cocky, and setting a commute goal of a sock a week, but in reality I just want to keep my hands busy on the train and get some socks out of the bargain. 

5. Find a Way to Enjoy Cooking Again - this one is in the tubes. I cooked this week... some. But really, it wasn’t all that great. There was gluten-and-dairy-free fried chicken on New Year’s Day to go with Lucky Lentils. On Monday we had leftover Lucky Lentils but that wasn’t great. Yesterday I heated up a frozen container of leftover soup that I made back in December, and which was awesome and perfect for a snowy day. I need to think about food and cooking, and make stuff that makes me kind of happy. 

6. Realize a Personal Style - I rocked my red blazer this week to work, but otherwise, not really. I think part of this is that I want to get comfortable and happy about bringing clothes to a tailor. I need a new winter coat, and I’m looking at buying a men’s coat because I’ve been liking men’s styling lately, and then having it tailored to fit in the shoulders and elsewhere if necessary. I’m also looking at the concept of quality, not quantity. I want to buy a leather bag, like a handbag or tote, one that might cost a fair bit of money but will last forever. 

7 Share. Talk, Blog, Vent, Therapy - Not so much with this one. But then again, I haven’t really had too much to talk about. I guess we’ll see how this one goes. 

8. Get Rid of What Weighs You Down - not really on this one, although I’ve decided to stop doing kickboxing classes because the financial burden was getting a bit high. Hopefully I can find another way to have fun moving my body, that isn’t quite as expensive as my classes. 

9. Say Yes. Reach Out - This one takes time, and I haven’t really done too much of it this week. But, a friend is having a brunch next Saturday and we RSVP’d yes. That’s one. And I’m bringing a dish that is a huge crowd pleaser, so it’s nice to know that people are excited about that. 

I’ve been updating my planner, and my notebook, with thoughts and information, knitting notes and life stuff. One week down, 51 to go. 

[johannalynne]

I’m not good at New Year’s resolutions. I never really have the usual suspects, like “lose 10 pounds” or “quit drinking soda” or whatever. And I don’t really understand the concept of all this “new” coming two weeks after the shortest day of the year, in a time of cold and darkness. 

But I like to think about things that I can do for the coming 12 months, little plans to try and keep me honest, or present, or whatever. Last year, I picked a word, two words actually, to try and be my “intention” for the year. They were Revel, and Yes. I didn’t do a ton of reveling, but I said a lot more yes than I had in recent memory. 

This year, I’m still trying to come up with my intention word, but I also wanted to look at some goals and hopes. I wrote some out over the last week, trying to find some things I could make S.M.A.R.T. goals related to, and also things I could just.... keep in mind. 

I can’t ask myself to go to the gym every day, or to keep a perfect bullet journal, or whatever, right off the bat. I don’t do big change well - I have to talk myself into it every time, every day, and it gets exhausting. 

But, for now, I have some goals, and I’ll be thinking and writing more about them in the coming days, to try and process what it is I’m looking for this year, and how I’m going to go about getting whatever it is I’m looking for. 

[johannalynne]

And so we come to the end

2016 was a wild ride. A rollercoaster. There were highs. There were lows. I didn’t blog about a single one of them. Which, is a shame. 

But, in the spirit of hope, and of taking steps forward for a new year, I’m actually doing something.  I’ve been thinking about taking a trip to Scotland for part of my 2-week block leave in the new year, since I have to take the time, and haven’t been back in eons, it feels like. 

I’ve filled out the form for a new passport. 

I’ve collected the necessary documents, save for the photo. 

I have the money available to submit the application for, I just need the photo. 

I’ve looked at flights to Heathrow, and at AirBnBs in Edinburgh, to get a price point. I’ll look again once I have the application mailed in and can feel confident about my ability to go in late March or early April like I hope to. 

Considering I’ve been putting off renewing my passport since my name changed when I got married 3.5 years ago, I’m glad I’m finally doing it, even if it could have been done several years ago. Ugh. But. I’m actually even thinking about places I could go while I’m in Scotland, instead of just kind of vaguely imagining myself getting on a plane and going on a trip.

It’s a start. Right at the end. 

[johannalynne]

365 Days of Journaling

I saw a reblog of a post, and it gave a link to 365 journaling prompts to use throughout the year. I forgot to actually do anything with them yesterday, but. I’m here today, with some stuff to talk about.  1. Do you believe in New Year resolutions? If so, what are your resolutions for the year? 

I don’t really believe in resolutions. New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day seem like super arbitrary times to me. Two weeks into the proper winter season doesn’t really seem like the time for new beginnings. It seems like the middle of the darkest bits of the year, and then again, maybe that’s the reason that it’s the time. Because it gives us a little bit of hope as the days start to scrape their way into getting longer, and warmer, and brighter.  Anyways, no. I don’t do resolutions. I try to set goals for a coming year, but it’s nothing like, “Stop Drinking” or “Go to the gym every day for an hour” because neither of those things are fun, and the idea of making a plan to make my life less fun doesn’t really sit well with me.  I’m hoping to do some things to just... improve my quality of life, in 2016, though. I want to keep going to the gym 3x a week, because I like lifting weights, and I want to have the kind of thighs that make men nervous, because they have the distinct concern that I could crush their windpipe with them. I want to keep running 3x a week, because I’ve registered to run a marathon in the beginning of October 2016, and I need to actually get serious about running if I’m planning to take that seriously. I’d like to drink enough water to not be dehydrated every day, I’d like to take some time for writing down some thoughts, I’d like to see my damn friends, because they’re lovely and I was such a hermit this past year. I’d like to be more involved in the things I’m doing, even if that’s tumblr or facebook, rather than just hoping that by my heart clicks or “likes” or whatever, people know that I’m thinking about them. I want to manage my money intelligently, such that I can get the tattoos I have in mind, because I am tired of thinking about them and letting them just... slide. They’re amazing and I want them all. I want to use my planner better, because I spend the money on ordering a paper planner, and I blow my friends’ minds because I pull out my paper planner when we make plans (made plans? since I didn’t really have many plans this past year ughghghkfhdka) and if I’m going through all that, I want it to be a useful tool. Not just a thing I lug around. 

2. Review of 2015. 

I refuse. I’m done with 2015 and it wasn’t that great and I don’t want to talk about it too much. I want to move forward, and have things be better. I want the universe to stop dicking me and my little family around. 

Maybe, guys, I’ll actually write this year. I used to write ... and now I don’t. But maybe that’s something else I can do along with going to the gym, running, getting generally tougher to kill but also more scary, and being a better friend. 

[johannalynne]

Being Bold

I've been afraid of social situations for a lot of my life. It's very hard for me to meet new people - I'm shy, and that sometimes comes off as standoffish. I also seem to have an excellent resting bitchface. I was made fun of a lot as a kid, and spent so much time with no friends that I kind of forgot how to make them for a while.  I rarely jump into new group activities where I don't know anybody. In September of 2009, I impulsively joined a running class, and while I didn't stay friends or running partners with any of the people in the class, I got along with them well at the time. I went to a food swap in March of 2010 where I met a girl who lead me to the friend group to which I still belong, who are some of the dearest people in my life. 

And then, 3 weeks ago, I impulsively joined a book club. A book club called Booze, Books, and Broads. 

I've never been in a book club before, and I've rarely, as noted, joined a group of people I didn't know without intense anxiety and fear. The first meeting of the book club was last night, and I was nervous before the meeting. But I figured that because we had a topic of conversation and we were in a bar, it would probably be alright. And if I didn't like the people, I could just never go back. 

But it was fun!! I had a good time talking to 8 other women about books, life, friends, travel... it was wonderful. And I'm excited to go back next month. 

Sometimes, it's fun to be bold. 

[johannalynne]

When some people talk about money They speak as if it were a mysterious lover Who went out to buy milk and never Came back, and it makes me nostalgic For the years I lived on coffee and bread, Hungry all the time, walking to work on payday Like a woman journeying for water From a village without a well, then living One or two nights like everyone else On roast chicken and red wine

"The Good Life" by Tracy K. Smith

I saw this poem on the subway today. I've seen it before, but this was the first time it really punched me in the stomach. It made me wistful and it made me angry and it made me feel a whole bunch of things and I don't know what all of them are because I am still scraping together to get to payday, and I tell myself on the cold nights when I have $2.38 in my bank account that I will never never ever let it get this bad again, that I will remember these times and appreciate whatever steps and twists and turns and realities have gotten me to somewhere else, when I finally have enough, just enough, at all times.

I'm not there yet. I have more work to do. But goddamn, is it beautiful, this poem.

[johannalynne]

Johanna Lynne Is | BACK | Hello There

SO, this blog has been dark since September, and it's just been music videos for a long time. Which is 100% not cool, since I started this darn thing in an effort to force myself to write more. More frequently, more words, just .... more.

So, here's what's been going on with me.

I've been working. And frankly, it's not always everything I hope it will be. That's actually something I'm going to have to write about, eventually. But for now, I'm working. Sitting at a desk, leaving for work before 9 every day and leaving for home after 7 most days.

I haven't been working out. I'm looking into doing high intensity interval training (HIIT as the kids call it) because I've discovered workouts that take between 7 and 12 minutes per day, and while that shit might hurt like hell, I can get behind 7-12 minutes. And I can do them at home, instead of having to pay for the gym. Although, I will probably keep paying for the gym, in an effort to guilt myself into going.

So far, it's working splendidly.

And by that, I mean "Not at all".

I'm embracing my nerd. I have gotten really into reading comic books. Like, KellySue Deconnick's Captain Marvel and Avengers Assemble. Matt Fraction's Hawkeye. I'm trying to get caught up on Gillen and McKelvie's Young Avengers, but to be honest, we have all the issues and I haven't read past #4 yet. And beyond reading them, I am actually telling people about them. Not all the time, but if someone mentions them, I bring up the fact that I read comics. It's still a little embarrassing, because I'm 29 years old and reading comic books, but hell. I could be collecting those creepy porcelain dolls or something.

Here's a big one.

I knit myself a sweater.

And I loved doing it.

It was hard work, and it's not perfect. I look at it, and I can see all the ways I could have done it better, could have been a little more exacting, a little more careful, a little more technical. I also see the part where I got frustrated and sick of knitting 1x1 rib with tiny needles and decided that just over 2" of hemline ribbing was enough. Spoiler alert, if I had to do it over, I would knit the final damn inch. I also see the part where I did something impressive. I decided that rather than just knitting a plain sweater (and I WILL be knitting that sweater again, hopefully with different yarn with a slightly higher weight) I would knit one modeled on Captain Marvel's uniform. And I designed the charts for her insignia with help from another Tumblr knitter. And I plotted it out, I did math, I worked on Excel, and I just....did it. I made something.

To me, it seems like it wasn't that much, sort of, because it was just following patterns. But y'know what? It's my first sweater. And I made it to honor a character. And I am proud of it, even if right now I never want to wear it again (I'll probably wear it on Halloween).

I made a sweater. I started a thing and I finished the thing. And while it's not perfect, it's amazing. It's beautiful. It's a work of love and it will make me proud. When I wore it at New York Comic Con, I stood up straight, sucked my stomach in, pushed my shoulders back, and was proud that I was the Captain Marvel with the sweater, which KellySue herself reblogged on Tumblr. Which she hugged me for. Which people recognized on the Con floor and asked if they'd seen me on the internet, or said that they knew me from the internet.

I did a thing. And I am going to do more things, now that I know how to start the thing and finish it.

[johannalynne]

Here's the song for your weekend this weekend, folks: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen.

My softball team won our first playoff game this week! We play again on Tuesday, and i feel like we're finally clicking! We're unstoppable!  (Or at least... we might win another game!! WOOHOO!)

[johannalynne]

12 Days That Will Unknowingly Change You Forever

One day, you'll have your "but I love me more" moment. And then your life will unfold like the finale of Sex & the City and you'll be walking down a city street to "You've Got The Love." I'm ha...

Truly, honestly, posts like this used to depress me. Not because of their message, but because they showed me how much skill and ability some people have to put words in order, to choose the right ones and leave out the wrong ones...

And now, they inspire me. I am NEVER going to be the writer this person is. And that's ok. I am someday going to be the writer I am. And that day is today. And tomorrow. And the day after.

I am only, ever, going to be the writer that I am. And the person that I am. And the knitter that I am, and the wife and the daughter, the sister, the friend and someday, god willing, the mother that I am.

But that doesn't mean that I can't get better at these things every single day. It doesn't mean that the writer I am today is the best I am ever going to be. I can be a better writer tomorrow. And a better everything else.

But I'm only ever going to be who I am.

[johannalynne]

So here's the thing. All of the videos for today's song were problematic for me. Either there were major issues for me seeing all-white NSync dancing on top of cars and grinding on exclusively brown-skinned dancers, or there wasn't any Nelly in the song, Or both.

All I could find was this damn lyric video, which I hate. It makes it look stupid. So, do me a favor. Play this song in a separate tab and just don't even look at the video because it's horrific. It's just words scrolling by in comic sans, and believe me, I don't want to subject you to comic sans.

I like you guys.

SO here is your song for the weekend. "Girlfriend" by NSync, featuring Nelly. I love the shit out of this song, and I don't care about all the complicated gender issues about it. I just love it and it's fun to dance to, and since NSync reunited for 38 seconds on the VMA's last weekend, I've been thinkin' bout those boys and I just....

It's time for a little time warp. Rock out this Labor Day weekend, and be safe, friends.