John Michael Bond Comedian Person @johnmichaelsmistakes-blog - Tumblr Blog

I’m learning new skills. Today I made a gif of Hayley Williams saying “Opossum.”

#hayley williams #paramore #funny gif #hayley #williams #gifs #funny gifs

This study about language is the basis of one of my favorite jokes of all time. Keep an eye out in the next few months for Shalewa's debut album. Language is a fascinating part of humanity. [There’s a] frequently misunderstood construction that linguists refer to as the “habitual be.” When speakers of standard American English hear the statement “He be reading,” they generally take it to mean “He is reading.” But that’s not what it means to a speaker of Black English, for whom “He is reading” refers to what the reader is doing at this moment. “He be reading” refers to what he does habitually, whether or not he’s doing it right now. D'Jaris Coles, a doctoral student in the communication disorders department, and a member of the African-American English research team, gives the hypothetical example of Billy, a well-behaved kid who doesn’t usually get into fights. One day he encounters some special provocation and starts scuffling with a classmate in the school yard. “It would be correct to say that Billy fights,” Coles explains, “but he don’t be fighting.” Janice Jackson, another team member who is also working on a Ph.D. in communication disorders, conducted an experiment using pictures of Sesame Street characters to test children’s comprehension of the “habitual be” construction. She showed the kids a picture in which Cookie Monster is sick in bed with no cookies while Elmo stands nearby eating cookies. When she asked, “Who be eating cookies?” white kids tended to point to Elmo while black kids chose Cookie Monster. “But,” Jackson relates, “when I asked, ‘Who is eating cookies?’ the black kids understood that it was Elmo and that it was not the same. That was an important piece of information.” Because those children had grown up with a language whose verb forms differentiate habitual action from currently occuring action (Gaelic also features such a distinction, in addition to a number of West African languages), they were able even at the age of five or six to distinguish between the two.

SYNERGY - African American English

The Sesame Street study is now a classic in “habitual be” research: here’s the article that it comes from (paywalled, but you can read the abstract and first few pages).

(via karnythia)

Language!

(via alittlefellowinawideworld)

shalewa

(via hyenabutter)

hahahahaha i love this i will always love this i be loving this forever

(via shalewa)

Here’s my set from 7 Minutes in Purgatory last September. You do your set in a sound proof room for a camera while an audience watches in another room. Ian Abramson is a gem of a person and this show is terrifying.

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=goo3Dg3eEwg)

atlantacomedy

Someone wrote something nice

It’s Friday again, time to follow the great John-Michael Bond! Ole JMB is a staple of the Atlanta scene. He hosts the amazing 1AM Secret Show at Smith’s Olde Bar every Saturday night, as well as brings some amazing talent to The Hangar including tonight’s show, Greg Barris “Heart of Darkness,” for which he will be performing on. He’s a hilarious comedian and just a swell fella, so click that follow button.

Here are some of our fave tweets from @BondJohnBond.

Rappers come in three sizes. Big, Young, and Lil.

— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) June 4, 2014

Wrestling is the only high school sport that, if taken to the professional level, leads you into a career in theater. #WWE

— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) March 6, 2015

Technically the goal of comedy is for everyone to know what you’re talking about. Not just that guy.

— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) January 5, 2015

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was rejoining a piece of rope he’d previously cut. The devil was actually terrible at magic.

— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) October 10, 2014

One night I listened to Fleetwood Mac’s “Silver Springs” so many times my wife asked if we were getting a divorce.

— John-Michael Bond (@BondJohnBond) July 8, 2014

johnmichaelsmistakes-blog

I’m not sure who runs this blog, but they wrote something nice about me which is cool. Going to Denver next week for Crom Fest, where I will tell jokes during pro wrestling. Comedy is great.

Hire me to write stuff

For the last few years I’ve been writing about Apple for TUAW.com. It’s been a dream come true to be a professional writer, but AOL doesn’t believe in dreams* so they’ve closed our site. Now I’m looking for places that will give me money in exchange for words.

I can write about movies, music, Apple, pop culture, tech, sex advice, comedy, books, and silly gifs about dogs. The main thing is I have a wife to feed and cats to keep from divorcing me, and money helps those things happen.

You can take a peek at my LinkedIn page here: https://www.linkedin.com/in/johnmichaelbond

Thanks for thinking of me if you have leads. If not we’re still friends, but for the love of god buy me a drink at the bar when you see me.

*In all seriousness, thanks AOL for the job.

#comedy #tuaw #tuaw: apple news #writing #writing jobs #hire writer #hire me #does linkedin work

Arguments and Grievances is very funny and very kind

Arguments and Grievances is a wonderful comedy debate show that takes place in Chicago and Denver. The Chicago edition releases a wonderful podcast version of their shows which I was lucky enough to appear on last year. My debate was with Megan Gailey, arguing Marriage vs Freedom.

The episode just got picked as one of the favorite debates of 2014 by show producer Kevin Brody, who is a very sweet man. You can read his write up of the show here. If you want to hear our debate, you'd be a fool not to desire such things, you can find it here.

#arguments and grievances #chicago comedy #sexpotcomedy

Shows updated if you'd like to see me tell jokes

I've updated the shows tab over on the left. If you'd like to see me tell jokes those are your best bets until the end of the year unless you'd like to hire me for a private gig on your boat*. If you do shoot me a message. *I'll also do parties, office meetings, and pre-schools, but prefer a boat.

New Shows, Fall Tour, and Last Comic Standing

I've updated my shows through the first week of November. It's going to be a busy month. You can find those dates here. On September 28th I'll be auditioning for Last Comic Standing. When I was in Chicago this past summer a booker from DC saw me and recommended me for the auditions in Atlanta. That right. A guy from DC saw me in Chicago and got me the gig in Atlanta. Life is weird guys.

The challenge is to do a 3 and 1/2 minute set thats funny and showcases your personality. Since most of my jokes tend to be long this should be a fun learning experience. Still someone believed I was capable enough to recommend me and that gives me the confidence to take the experience for what it is. Worst case scenario, it's nice to be leaving for tour immediately after that event. I'll be featuring for Louis Katz on a few dates before I head to LA.

It's nice to finally spend a good chunk of the year on the road. Lets make this shit funny so I can keep doing it.

#last comic standing #tour #thefest

Hobby Lobby has inspired me to incorporate.

Since the Supreme Court has decided Corporations are people and don’t have to follow laws if they cite the classic legal argument “because Jesus” I’ve decided to incorporate my comedy career. You know, for freedom.

From this day forth I’m not paying any taxes in fear that they might be used to support the military. For far too long I’ve allowed my tax dollars to support abortions in the 569th trimester.

My employees don’t have to pay taxes either because even though I’m paying them they might use that money to support wars, and then I’m sort of supporting wars. Right?

Also I’m not acknowledging or working with guys named Jed anymore. Checked my holy books and Jed’s just aren’t in the cards.

#hobby lobby

kaelio

johnmichaelsmistakes-blog

Welcome to hell. This is a real thing.

mostlypenises

I drew this image of my buddy John Michael Bond in a flash a few months back after feeling guilty that I hadn’t given him a proper illustration yet, and here we are so many months later, and I still haven’t. I have not forgotten you John Michael. Your watercolor illustration of you as Wolverine along with your favorite X-Men character is coming. I promise. Please continue to love your amazing wife and wait patiently. I will not disappoint.

For those of you who don’t know John Michael hosts an amazing comedy show in Atlanta every Saturday at 1AM at Smith’s Olde Bar. If you haven’t been, you need to go. It is always an incredibly show with a killer KILLER host.

johnmichaelsmistakes-blog

My buddy Joe Karg makes art for most of the shows that come to Atlanta. He's a genius and I'm happy he's around. Thanks for the kind words Joe.

I'm doing two shows with Doug Stanhope this month.

On March 25th and 26th I'm getting to open for Doug Stanhope for the first time. The 25th will be at the Georgia Theater in Athens, GA, and the 26th is in my home town of Chattanooga, TN at Vaudeville Cafe. I've seen Stanhope live four times. Each time I left the venue with my face aching from laughing so much. Now I'm just worried he'll think I'm a square. Still if you follow this blog and live in one of those cities I'd really appreciate you showing up. You can get tickets for the Athens show here and tickets for Chattanooga here.

Here's a clip from his last special, Beer Hall Putsch.

#doug stanhope #athens georgia #chattanooga #standup

Dates, shows, and such.

If you'd like to see me tell jokes in the next few months I've updated my Shows page with assorted happenings. There's a few particularly cool shows coming up including one with Doug Stanhope, a few with Dave Ross, and all of the Crom Comedy Festival. I'll be performing on Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction for the first time at Crom Fest which is incredibly exciting for me and horrifying for my mother.

#cromfest #comedy #shows