Sweet Seals For You, Always
Love Begins
trying on a metaphor
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The lavender one is Maya in the green one, sniffing her bum according to her is me .
She got this done the day I got mine done so that she had an anchor .
out like a light for many hours… i have idea what happened other than Maya’s brother was yelling at me and as I walked around him …. I then woke up in an Ambulance being told I was knocked out with a punch and then kicked in the head while I was out. They said I didn’t even out my hands out so my head hit the floor first and then the kick to my other temple…. they could only put in 7 stitches because the rest of the gash is too close to the eye…. and that will be a third member of that family I need to take a protection order out against and seems hitting people while they are not looking runs in the family and taught by big sister who would do that to me and I would say “darling don’t do that , it is dangerous and if you connect just right you will knock me out and my head will hit the floor possibly killing me…. she did multiple times but never got me just right…. this was her brothers second attempt and he must have got me just on the part where Maya fractured my jaw and cheek 2 years ago and would back-fist me while driving so that cheek and eye is already badly damaged .
I don’t know anyone who has ever felt that way about me.
They thought they loved me at first and some thought they could heal me.
I was close once. I thought she was my one true love. my soul mate,,, and she made the hole in my heart mend but only some of the boxes were actually ticked for her ….
I will die soon and when i look back on what most people would call an amazing and wonderful life I grieve instead and pray everyday that my love has a wonderful happy life with all she dreams of and that I am dead.
stupid amounts of amitryptoline did little that i remember except it was Friday then it was Tuesday ,,,, Tuesday wasn’t supposed to come or any other day…..
she would rather be with this dude….. and others….. and yes lots of others she told me herself about and others i caught her out about like accidentally finding the sex tape she made in a hotel while telling me she was with mum ….. the ghosting every weekend from about Thursday until Sunday night or Monday morning ( coming down off the drugs her dads best friend hooked her on and then made sex recordings with her that i found) so yes out fucking all weekend hi on meth , several 3 somes , not sure on exact numbers of gang bangs and actually dating another guy while living with me….
that is my soul mate….. she still lies to me, but she’s my soulmate and I can’t do anything about that. It’s just a shame I’m not hers. 
And that’s the most evil twist God could ever do. show one person their soul mate but that person doesn’t even want to be with them, like them, respect them, definitely not appreciate them or care if they exist … they are a whimsical memory from the past while the remaining soul withers and dies….. i can feel mine going…. i used to love this world and people
i never used to use this word but i only have hate for this world and the people in it except I love my beautiful girl always.
the rest of the world can fuck off and leave me alone and I am looking forward to practising ju-jitsu again one-day soon on a specific piece of shit that shouldn’t exist….. Jake the Muss did what all men want to do to uncle bully and so will I …… it gives me joy thinking how much pain i can exert as i whisper in his ear…… “can you feel that….. its your life going and in a moment you will piss your pants…. “they always have to, just as a side note),
i should delete that but i don’t give a fuck i will be dead soon but not before him
I love going on adventures with the bro đź©·
A hanged man whispered to me under the willow tree
“you must leave me to free me”
So just like the cherry blossoms leave for the fall
I did too...
Goodbye. xxx
- water beats fire but you beat me
Sorry to put out your flames, darling.
goodbye then
“You’re in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh, to make memories, to enjoy one another - and not to be constantly hurt and upset.” - Unknown
I lost my mother, I lost one of my sons, all of my grandparents are gone, I’ve lost close cousins, my uncle and aunty who i lived with and I’ve lost pets and I have not seen or spoken to my other five kids for three months . Each loss caused various levels of pain, grief and suffering but nothing compares remotely to the anguish and pain that I have suffered and am still suffering when my beautiful girl cheated on me then left me.
Losing my mum and my son are light years more painful than the other examples I cited how ever, when the lens is directed towards losing my beautiful girl the comparison would be this…. losing mum and August are two grains of sand and losing Maya is every grain of sand anywhere in the world. it feels as if my guts is being ripped out, and I literally scream 
yes, I cry in that video. I am nearly 60 years old and …
I am ALONE
I have nothing to live for.
People often say that but they actually have plenty….
i am, however…. ALONE.
me
all alone.
I have no friends, no family, no workmates… no one “checks in” to say hi, no one sends messages of encouragement, love, and support (replying with hby or up-to does not count)… no one to cheer me up…. no one who is “there” for me…no one asks me if I am ok… (i would lie anyway)…. it’s easy to flash a smile, say i’m good, hang up the phone and ball my eyes out for the next 30 to 40 mins… and some of these are so intense (my guts shuddering and actual howls and screams)
so so shocking…. I’ve never cried like that before… like something has actually broken inside…the pain and overwhelming grief take my breath away.
in those moments… i wish my tyres would blow out , my heart would fail or
i have not talked to my kids for 3 months and I never will again. I have not seen them for longer.
I have no goals. i accomplished all the goals I made except the ones of the farm with Maya and the rescued animals, blazing our way through the day While we grow and nurture our family. That relationship did not end up the way I wanted (Maya fell out of love with me) so those goals will not be pursued.
 it is hard to swallow when you spent so many years helping other people accomplish their goals, you make many many millionaires, you help people do things they thought they could never do, you help people retire early, leave jobs they hate and build their dream businesses.
You are generous, caring and kind…..and alone.
Your mum and dad abandoned you before you were two and the couple who took you in also abandoned you a couple of years later. Every girl and woman you went out with abandoned you but not before they cheated on you first. (thats right every girl i went out with cheated)
but it’s me not them who is….
grief stricken
abandoned.
and alone.
this resonates so much…. this is the wrong time for me… i shouldn’t be here.
i don’t have any more time anyway
i still love you unconditionally.
it doesn’t matter that you don’t love me or ever did.
it doesn’t matter if we never see each other again or talk again.
it doesn’t matter all the horrible things you did or said.
i will always love you, thats what unconditional love is… now and forever and I thank you little one, i told you that summer was my best ever and you were my most amazing lover, good luck my darling, best wishes and i hope all your dreams come true xxx xxxx
so many pictures of my beautiful baby girl.
i still love her…. we will never be together again though… i know this now, she fooled me in to believing she loved me too.
oh well, they say the pretty ones are the worst
i know how that feels…. even more so ….it is the most horrible feeling knowing your “sometimes” are not even yours (she is “just checking a shopping site” while spending time with you but you notice a lot of typing, giggles and little guilty peeks out from under the blankets and she leaves the room to make a phone call and hides outside the lounge so you cant hear or see her…
yup…… you know that feeling now don’t you…. someone just reached down your throat and ripped your stomach out…. and here it comes quickly after…. your stomach knots and churns as you move to a spot where you can hear and see her…. and the hand goes down your throat as she giggles, the fist clamps down on my heart as I hear her talk as if they are intimate and she rips your heart out of your chest as you hear her make plans for xmas with him when she had already told you she was going to be with you.
I didn’t even get someone’s “sometimes”….
I even had to share those… and really… just because you were “with” me, you weren’t, you were messaging all day and night or calling him for the lovely long chats that we used to have.
now i am lucky if i get 2 messages a day unless I respond fast enough and ask some questions but even then I would be lucky to get 10 messages….. is that bad? when I wasn’t a “sometimes” i would receive up to 300 messages or more a day… we would also talk 2 or 3 times a day, we would watch movies together (when apart)…..
Maya taught me many things in Jan 2020…She would make a statement like “Saying I love you means nothing because words are easy to say even if you don’t mean them” ( yes , now whenever I see her write to me i love you, sends hearts or says I miss you…it reaches my brain as “she doesn’t mean this but social norms require this response and notice subtle little changes she made so that the actual statements “i love you” etc are actually “i have to say i love you so here are some purple hearts or a i miss you too……. yeah right, thats why you ghosted me for a month and only just now messaged me with purple hearts and I miss you.
not a lovely feeling being “Someones sometimes”
Take Control of your Mind and Get Ahead in Life
If you want to make the most of the life you have then pay attention to the following suggestions:
1. Don’t pay too much attention to the way you feel. Feelings change throughout the day and they are unreliable. Don’t let them rule your life, or interfere with your goals.
2. Decide not to worry as it tends to make things worse. If you focus on your worries it will drain your energy – and often what we’re dreading doesn’t happen anyway.
3. Cut the internal commentary. Stop saying to yourself that things are going to fall apart, or your efforts won’t succeed, or that you won’t be popular. Keep trying to move forwards, and to make the most of life.
4. Stop being self-critical. You need to be your own cheerleader and your biggest fan in life. Note progress, perseverance, attitude and inner strength.
5. Stop feeling guilty. Feeling guilty changes nothing. You are going to make mistakes. Accept you aren’t perfect - then get up and try again.
6. Stop worrying about what others think of you. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter what they think. Choose your own goals for your life – you’re not accountable to them.
7. Don’t worry about set backs or changes to your plans. Plans always need adjusting and things always go awry. That doesn’t mean “it’s over” or you’ll never reach your goals. Expect to make some changes – just remain adaptable.
Ok that tooK longer than expected lol
