What does masculinity mean to me? This is a question I’ve been grappling with for quite some time. Last night I attended the first of a 4-part series of workshops for those that identify as men exploring toxic masculinity. The question was asked “what does your masculinity mean to you?” and I didn’t know how to answer. As I listened in the room to other other men share their thoughts, it felt good to see even cis men have doubts and struggle to answer that question. I didn’t feel alone in that space but I also did at the same time. That has more to do with my trans* identity.
As I work on acknowledging my male privilege, at the same time I become hyper sensitive to my experiences as a person that is transgender and the lack of privileges that I’ve experienced with that identity. I’m currently grappling with and exploring how I can give voice to the dysphoria, to the fear, to the self hatred that I experience as a trans man while owning the fact that my maleness grants me power, authority and unearned advantages that take up space without permission from the women in my life. On top of the already complicated duality I experience, my role as a parent and as a father to my perceived son adds an additional dynamic to the mix. This create a pot of so many feels that I don’t talk about or am afraid to talk about. It’s easier to hide from these difficult conversations around masculinity and I hide because I don’t want to feel exposed. I’m afraid that people will see the real me. That I will see the real me and I won’t like that person. The person who navigates most of their life with general ease.
Opening up a conversation about my masculinity, my transness and being a father pushes me to grapple with what I’ve internalized about what it means to be a man. And that makes me UNCOMFORTABLE! That makes me want to RUN. But I can’t run any longer because to hide from these feelings and conversations means that I’m not living my truth, my connections with others whether family or friends are not as meaningful, and the messages that I’m sending my son are not grounded in strength. So now I am taking one of many first steps to figure out what does masculinity mean to me. My hope is to write as much as I can about what has been under the rug for quite some time. To be reflective and free to be me in this space. I can’t continue to let fear of the unknown take over.
“Fear is the mind killer. I will face my fear. I will let it pass through me. When the fear has gone, there shall be nothing. Only I will remain.”
- dune, Frank Herbert