Take: 2

Let's try that again.

[jpballerina]

In January, at my highest weight of 230lbs, I was finally happy with myself for the first time in many years. I truly appreciated my body. I had survived a divorce, losing my Dad, and reached a place where no one else's opinion about my size mattered to me anymore. #FREEDOM! But now that I was at peace with my self image, I knew I needed to take a hard look at my health. My grandmother passed away around age 60; her heart weak from a lifetime of yo-yo dieting. My Dad was also 60 when he died, and also from a weak heart. I knew, with my family history, I was headed toward the same fate: A lifetime of dieting before me, with a 95% chance of gaining back anything I lost. So, after chats with my doctor and counselor, I decided to have #VerticalGastricSleeve. With #vgs, there was a 70% chance I would still have the weight off in 10 years. No yo-yo dieting. No weakened heart. I was nervous... taking out 80% of ones stomach is not something to be done on a whim. I talked to friends who'd had the surgery, and they unanimously told me that 1) it was tough, and 2) it was the best thing they had ever done for themselves. I had the surgery on February 4th. My friends were right; it's tough. Everything about food and how I eat has had to change. I mourned my food rituals; eating to celebrate, eating to ease anxiety, eating to cure boredom. Family dinners were different. Going out with friends was different. Everything from work parties to music festivals were different. I've had to disassociate food from happy times. But again, my friends were right; this is one of the best things I've ever done for myself. I'm not "cured" of my emotional longing food, but I am no longer emotionally dependent on it. It's so liberating, I don't even know how to describe it. I want to reiterate that I loved my body just as much then as I do now. Bodies are awesome and do amazing things. Size doesn't matter; health and life does. Lastly, I have only weighed myself at check-ups with my doctor (I find it irrelevant.) But as I know many are dying to know; as of last week, I weighed in at 178, making my #WeightLoss just over 50lbs. Health and happiness to you all. ❤️/Julianna

[jpballerina]

#HappyBirthdayBoo! So happy you came to visit me. First #LasVegas #surprise: #O at the #Bellagio! #Big30SurpriseWeekend

[jpballerina]

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#Filming the #ZapposBlue #PilotEpisode. I love these people. They were willing to be #vulnerable and step into the unknown with me. I have so many faults as a #director, a #writer, and a #leader. They forgave me for all of them. And here they are, #LightsCameraAction. Thank you, @zappos, for being the kind of company that would give this crazy idea a chance.

[jpballerina]

#SelfieGame #OnFleek. #FeelinMyLook #CanILive?!

[jpballerina]

Growing my #nails out is always such an accomplishment for me that I feel the need to show them off. They always break Ann's are brittle, but with taking #HairSkinAndNails everyday, there has been undeniable improvement. This is after I cut them down to my fingertips. Ooo...also a shout out to #SallyHansen #NailGrowthMiracle and #NaturalNailGrowthActivator for giving me an extra boost. #ImProudOfMyself

[jpballerina]

Hobbled over and "sat" looking at the treat jar. "Can I has a treat please, Mom?" 💔 Yes, #ShifuPuppy, you can has all the treats!! #iLoveYou #medialpatellarluxation #ToughLittleGuy

[jpballerina]

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This darling little #LoveOfMyLife is having surgery tomorrow, and I won't lie; I'm feeling the panic set in. I know, it's just his leg, and it's a super simple surgery, and it will take away his pain, but...he's such a tiny little guy...! This #sweetheart came into my life right before my husband left me. He curled in my lap and let me cry. He learned when I was having #PanicAttacks or #PTSD episodes and began naturally responding to them and bringing me back. He basically trained himself to be a #ServiceAnimal. He was there when my Dad died, where he proved he had learned those skills, simply because he didn't want me to be sad or panic. If something happened to this sweet puppy, I would be devastated. So, please, send prayers, happy thoughts, or good juju; whatever you believe in. It's much appreciated. #iLoveYou my #ShifuPuppy. I promise I'll always come back for you. I'll be there the second they let me take you home to love you back to health. Your leg will be better than ever. ❤️😘🐾💔😩

[jpballerina]

I know, I've posted several things today. But if you only read one, this will probably be your favorite. I had a dream last night that I was back in #Paris, and I was wandering the streets in the pouring rain. Luckily I had an #umbrella. It was beautiful, picturesque, romantic, and overall #Parisian as I walked the cobblestone streets. There was music coming from somewhere, and lots of little children were running around, having a great time dancing to it. I came upon a #piano in the middle of a square, with someone playing it for the children. I could see the pages getting wet, so I ran over and used my umbrella to keep the pages dry. I didn't care that I was getting soaked; I wanted the kids to keep enjoying the rain. The pianist turned to thank me, and it for sure was #TomHiddleston. Tom Hiddleston. My ultimate #CelebrityCrush. #PlayingAPiano. InTheRain. #ForKids. Each worthy of a hashtag. He invited me to sit next to him, and we just sat in the rain while he played the piano, and I kept the pages dry. Next thing I know, I'm in this beautiful London flat that, in waking life, my friends and I used last October. It's on a cobblestone street, with ivy and flowers...gorgeous fairy tale place. So, in the dream, I'm there again. I'm inside and dry, but it's still pouring outside. The doorbell rang, and there is Tom Hiddleston again. #Again, you guys. Tom Hiddleston. Standing in the rain, soaking wet. Before I could say anything, he stepped over the threshold, and swept me up in this amazing #kiss. Let's all take a moment to appreciate that Tom Hiddleston has kissed me in a #VirtualReality. Once you appreciate the gravity of that, you may read on. So, Tom Hiddleston kissed me like he's some sort of #DisneyPrince, and then he says, "I knew; the moment I saw you with that umbrella, I just knew. Please don't go back. Please stay in #London with me." And I say... "I can't. #Zappos is in Las Vegas." If that's not #CompanyLoyalty, I don't know...anything. #HsiehOverHiddleston #MySubconsciousKnowsWhatsUp #WeNeedALondonBranch #BestOfBothWorlds @zappos @eyezapp @downtowntony

[jpballerina]

If you go to your company-wide meeting, and get surprised with a private showing of #CirqueDuSoleil's #KA, you might be a #Zapponian. (Photo not taken by me. Stolen from the interwebs.) #Zappos #ZapposCulture #iLoveMyJob

[jpballerina]

#7Years. Whatever happened afterward, it was still the happiest day of my life. If someone chooses to stop loving you, it does not negate the genuine love you both once felt. It is still an incredible, joyful, indescribable moment to save among your many life experiences. It is something you will always be able to say, "I have had this. I have loved and been loved." It is also something you can say, "It was taken from me and I continued to thrive." More of life's joys have followed and will follow. More of life's losses have followed (Daddy,) and will follow. But this happiest of happy moments? #IHaveHadThis. #AndThatDress

[jpballerina]

WARNING! Vulnerability ahead: I did “Perfect” from “Edges” as part of my final performance project for my BFA. I wrote a script about tough moments in people’s lives, and used musical theatre songs that fit with the characters and monologues I created. My husband sat in the audience with my family and friends.

I had no idea at the time that he hated the song, hated the show, and hated that I performed this in front of everyone.

I thought I was singing a song someone else wrote that fit perfectly in my project. I was clueless to the fact that, at that very moment, my husband was thinking of leaving me. This song made him squirm in his seat with discomfort as his parents sat right next to him. He felt like I was singing this right to him.

Of course, I wasn’t…I didn’t even know he was unhappy. But months later when he told me he wanted to leave, one of the things he mentioned was my BFA final and how hard it was for him. I felt very bad, and desperately just wanted us to communicate better. I’ve had an ache in my heart about that performance ever since.

Well, I ran across this again today. This song about this girl who would do anything to keep her marriage together…this girl who was afraid of being alone. This girl who thought, if she could just be perfect enough, he would stay.

I cried. And for the first time since, I was glad I did this song. I’m glad he was there, and I’m glad he was so uncomfortable. I’m glad he knew how much I loved him and how I would have done (and then did,) everything I possibly could to make it work.

But most of all, I’m glad that I am not that girl. No one should have to fight for people to love them. Find those that love you for you, and love them back (shoutout to my sisters, Marisa, Angela, Emily, and Whitney, my sweet Mommy, Pamela, my beloved Daddy on the other side, and dear friends like Amanda Joy.) Love yourself just the way you are. Get a Shifu puppy that wants nothing more in life than to sit in your lap and let you know how adored you are. Then, no matter how “single” you are, you will never be alone, and you will always be loved. You will be happy. And you will be “perfect.”

[jpballerina]

Finding a coil wire on your bed is a bad sign for something that was sitting on it. #Danggit #ThisIsWhyWeCantHaveNiceThings

[jpballerina]

#BecauseEnglish

[jpballerina]

The pressure of #writing something witty and funny is getting a bit much. So, #icecream. #ZapposBlue #IWishIWereAmyPoehler #JustForAFewMinutes #ChocolateHelpsRight? #WriterProblems

[jpballerina]

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@wintyjeanne captures our understanding of this moment perfectly. #WhatAreThis #FamilyOfGirlsProbs #ThanksgivingThrowback

[jpballerina]

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#ShifuPuppy is on his first #airplane ride! And he cares zero mucho. He is more interested in what happened to the rest of my bagel... #HomeAgain! (at Las Vegas McCarran International Airport (United Airlines Terminal 1))

[jpballerina]

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#MovingDay! #Again! #ShifuPuppy and I got a great room facing the street. 😍#PeaceAtLast! We won't be living right above the live band anymore, and it's AMAZING how quiet it is. I can hardly believe it's the same building. I really love it here, and the staff are THE BEST. They volunteered to move my heavy stuff for me. ❤️ With our new quiet room, I'm pretty sure #Shifu and I will be staying here a lot longer than I originally intended. #GoldSpikeLV #ThanksOasis (at Gold Spike)