jqt @jqatxo - Tumblr Blog

I am back on here after a min

I’m starting to fall back into that dark place again where I feel so alone and at any moment I’ll just end it all.

Today, I had a great night of sleep, woke up next to her, and had my day planned out. I wanted to get things done before the deadline because that is just how I am as a person and want to get things done early so that I don’t stress over it. That being said because if I get stressed out and then I start to over think and cause more stress so to combat that I do anything to avoid it.

I’m also thinking about therapy again because I feel like at this point I’m to scared to reach out to anyone and even talking to my gf she makes me feel like shit... I just honestly feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to and give me solid advice on how to figure out this situation i’m in.

The gf. She is amazing, caring, and loving. I just feel like that she just doesn’t seem to let me do things that I want to do and is always, and i mean ALWAYS has to say something about me doing something and everything. idk if that is a red flag to leave or not. So also makes me feel like shit whenever I want to hangout with my friends online or play games. I guess I don’t have my own time anymore.

Maybe, it would just be easier to kill myself. It would get me out of school, my problems, and life. haha. we will see. If I don’t come back on here again idk.

#jqtthoughts

Character Development - 18 Feb 2020

Yesterday I went on a date with someone I was open to giving a chance and I was willing to let my walls down for her to come in to see who I am as a person. The date started super well and getting the attention of someone who wanted me to be there with them felt warm and calming. She was working on her homework that was due that night and has been working on it all day at the Starbucks close to work so whenever I got off I didn’t have to drive an extra 35ish mins after a 12-hour shift to hang out with her. After an hour of waiting for her to finish, we were able to go get food at this wings spot that I’ve been craving for months. Like I said earlier It was nice to have someone there who wanted my presence there, as the night went by we both started talking about subjects (deal breakers, wants, musts, and needs) that would dig a bit deeper in what both of us wanted in a relationship. The more and more that we opened up we both had the same thought of this WILL not work for us because of how our values and morals don’t cross... They were all similar values and morals but because of how both of us were raised they don’t have the same Views. She asked me if I was willing to try and make it work but unlike the rest of my past relationships where I would bend backward and mend to the other person’s values by putting them first because I was “lonely”. This time I didn’t and I spoke up about what I want from a relationship and I guess instead of saying “yeah, let's give it a chance” knowing that our views on life don’t cross and put myself first and said what I wanted. It felt like we were breaking up at the end of the night and it was kinda sad because after talking for two months and only being on two dates memories would be all we will be.

Later that night she texted me

“For real though, thank you for being a gentleman and thank you for liking me. it's gonna take me some time to get over you.” -ae

The whole moral of this story is.. Don’t lower or change what you want in a relationship because of how lonely you’ve been. Everyone deserves the best fit for them, so don’t settle.

Deadass just sat in my car and crying. Wtf am I.

I’m so close to snapping. It’s so hard to hold myself together and making sure no one asks me what is wrong. I really am so drained and burnt out from life right now, I really wish I could just take a break. I really just wanna give up but I can’t.. because I can’t see my parents cry or even imagine my siblings crying. It’s just so hard right now, I really wish I had someone to hug.

Dec 30, 2019 - Unchained

Well, going into court room everything I thought my anxiety was going to get to me because I thought that I wasn’t over you and that I wanted us to workout. Going into the court room, I was thinking that I would chicken out or get cold feet because I was kinda hoping that you’d call me to tell me to stop. Nope, none of that happened and I went into court room wanting to leave you in my past because I can’t keep living in the past. My life is finally starting to move forward and getting rid of unwanted baggage is a big step for me. Honestly, you’re the thing, that boulder weighing the heaviest on my shoulders and I can’t wait to get rid of you. I’m so thankful for all the memories, the laughs, the tears, the heartache, the love, the cuddles at night, the late night back rubs, the late night prayers, and grateful for you and the family. I know myself and I know I won’t ever reach out towards your family because of the person I am, my pride and my tunnel vision of wanting to move forward will keep me from doing that. Leaving you in my past will sadly include everyone that I met while I was with you because I don’t want any more triggers of you, any more heartache from you, and any more sadness from you. I’ll honestly be going into the New Year letting go of everything I’ve been holding on to for so long and finally going to feel unchained from all those feelings. The feelings from TMD from 2012-2019 and from you, DRT… Or now you're DMR… 2017-2019. I’m now unchained from all of that. Thank the lord for everything and going into 2020 with a clean slate.

#jqtthoughts

**Closure of the JQT/TMD relationship**

So, yesterday (Wednesday - Dec 25, 2019) my ex from Texas were together with a group of friends and we were all hanging out with each other and playing board games. I didn’t know she was gonna be hanging out with us at all so when I walked in to my friend’s house she was already there chilling with everyone and It kinda threw me off. So I said hi to everyone including her and she didn’t even reply to me and idk it kinda hurt me. Idk know why it did either because we broke up back in 2017 and she has a boyfriend now. Me, being the over thinker I started to think that she still hated me and stuff but I didn’t wanna kill the vibe so I kinda put on a face to make sure I didn’t kill the vibe. Honestly my thoughts where running all over the place and I kept saying in my head that I fucked up with her and she was the one that got away. Like hanging out with her it felt like old times before we broke up and I remembered how happy I was with her and how much fun we always had together. It’s kinda sad. Idk if I’m missing the fact that I was happy with her or I’m missing the fact of being HAPPY with her. Idk. I also asked her yesterday to see if we can meet somewhere and talk about some stuff.

(Thurs- Dec 26,2019) Then she agreed to talk today and we literally talk earlier. I completely said everything that I’ve had built up over the past couple of years while even being with the other girl which is sad. I told her that I was completely trash of a person towards the end of our 5y relationship but and kept saying sorry to her because of how I was. We started to catch on life and talking about our lives after the break up she started to tear up. At then end of talking we both agreed that it was probably best for us to have this talk to have the closure.

Yeah, maybe this is a sign before the new year. The divorce finalizing Monday in court and me clearing things up with her. The year of the bad pig ending for me literally before the new year. This is all happening for a reason. Going into the new year completely fresh of all the baggage and basically starting completely over.

#jqtthoughts

Dec 26, 2019 Notes to TMD

These were just small things i wanted to talk to you about...

Sorry for being such a dick and hopeless trash

How I was towards the end of the relationship

I was stupid af with you

DMT was a mistake but I learned from it

Karma got me back (Divorce)

I’m happy for you

——Maybe say stuff ——

I honestly haven’t stopped thinking about you since we broke up

I had dreams of ya hanging out and eating dinner with the fams

I was stupid for leaving you and thinking that there was someone better for me

When we DMT got together I even call her your name a lot.

We both rebounds for each other DMT and I

#jqtthoughts

Welp.

My emotions are running rapid again but this time it wasn’t about the previous person. It was actually about TMD... like what the FUCK. I really never thought that we would meet in a spot like this and see each other. When I realized what was happening and what was going on I knew what I had to do at that point. I couldn’t show you that you were affecting me so hard and not show you that I’m a complete mess without you. You’re still as beautiful as ever and I don’t know.. were you the one that got away? Those were the kind of thoughts that were going through my mind today when I saw you. Hearing that cute little laugh of yours, seeing you smile, hearing your voice, and just having you around. idk. I might of fucked up completely with you. Idk if I can move past this at all and did those five years of our lives together really did get thrown out the window because of me doing that one stupid thing for something so temporary. Wow. I. Fucked. Up.

#jqtthoughts

It keeps happening

Why is it whenever I think that I’m getting better I always relapse and my thoughts just take over me completely. I’m gonna be honest with you, just imagine you yelling at me triggered so many painful and horrific memories of when we first started talking about the divorce. The lawyer sent me the email stating that we need to correct everything and us having to expedite everything with the little time that we had... but all I could do even when it wasn’t my fault was just to keep saying “I'm sorry” to you repeatedly because I’m so fucking scared of you. Like why does it have to be like that? Why am I so fucking scared of you? Why did this have to happen to me? Like DRT, seeing your signature on those papers was bittersweet feeling honestly. I just wanna be happy again! I really just wanna be happy again.

The only thoughts that were running through my mind were...

“Why? Why couldn’t it be someone else? Why me?”

“I’m not good enough that's why no one loves me.”

“I’m not ready, I’m not ready”

“Why am I not good enough for someone to fight for?”

#jqtplusdrt