Touch's Tumbls

A public space for my private thoughts

[jtoetschinger]

Hiscarriage - A Simple Man's Perspective on the Complexities of a Miscarriage

I’ll always remember the day I became a father. Coincidentally, it was the day before Father’s Day this year. 

Today marks the one week point, barely one week after I learned I was going to be a father, since my wife had a miscarriage. 

Well, it was technically an “early pregnancy loss” but for everyone involved it was called a miscarriage.

I read an article from just a few years ago that said 1 in 5 pregnancies result in miscarriage. When we met with a doctor to talk about our next steps, we were informed that 1 in 4, 25%, of pregnancies result in miscarriage. At some point within the last few years the percent went up by 5%. That means a quarter of all the pregnancies result in this gut wrenching feeling of loss and being lost. A loss that feels like no loss I have ever felt before. Not like losing a grandparent, cousin, close friend, nothing I have dealt with.

We tried to stay positive. We even played “Positivity” by Koo Koo Kangaroo on repeat. I can’t count how many times I told her “Everything will be okay.” I wanted it to be true. That’s what I am supposed to do as a man and as a husband right? I am supposed to make everything better.

The thing that nobody tells you is just how helpless you will feel. 

I had no control over anything. 

I have no control over anything.

My wife had no control. 

The doctor had no control.  

It just happened. 

It happened and I tried to do everything I could but I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless and watching my wife in pain and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. 

Even while sitting, holding, talking, crying, giving all the support I could, I still felt helpless. 

You seek a switch or something to make it just become better but you have to sit in it and wait. 

Gradually it got better. We grew even closer than we ever were. 

We cried for a week out of sadness. Sometimes randomly (I spent an afternoon lying in our hammock and crying while listening to the new blink 182 album and reading comics). Sometimes provoked. But this morning I cried for a different reason. For the first time in a week, my wife came out of the bedroom this morning, she hugged me from behind like she does, we sat on the couch and she smiled. She smiled in a way that wasn’t a cover and one that wasn’t held down by the underlying guilt of being happy. She was back to how she used to be. The spark returned to her eyes. The spark that helped us fall in love. That spark that says everything will  be okay. That spark that holds a glint of our future, and is ready to try again (Maybe even stereotypically on our upcoming honeymoon).

Do either of us understand what happened? Not entirely. What we understand is that we cannot control what happened and we have no way of reversing it. It will always be with us and I could not ask for it to be any other way.

[jtoetschinger]

I’m not a man

A week ago, I attended my first Bar Mitzvah. It was not for someone I had ever met before nor will I see him again often or many times I don’t think. The son of the cousin to the father of my fiancé is not the closest of my friends...not to mention that he is 13 years old.

While trying to ask and talk to the actual Jews in attendance to gather more information on the subject, I realized that I wasn’t going to get a full answer nor a clear answer. I still don’t have all of the answers I tried to get but I did realize that I am apparently not a man.

I already knew that the ceremony was for a boy to become a man. I’m not THAT thick. It did however, become evident to me that it isn’t even a full man in the eyes of Jews. It is a man in the temple. The boy is now able to read from the Torah and have opinions that people also in the temple must accept to an extent because he is a man. 

I’m not a man. Now, yes I do have some glorious man junk sitting in my pants and, I am not Jewish but one day my children will be to a certain point. I do not intend to convert nor have I been asked. I will, however, need to become comfortable with myself to an extent where I feel as though I am a man.

I am old enough to be considered a man legally. I have become comfortable with and accept myself. I know what I want and who I am. But I struggle with the fact that I still rely on outside acknowledgment for validation.

When I turned 13, I did not have a point where I was told that my thoughts and views were valid. I did not have a scroll that I was able to read out of. I am perfectly okay with that. I never grew up with my creativity or voice stifled save for certain times where I may have been inappropriate. 

These days however, twice the age of the newly deemed man, I do find myself feeling like my thoughts and opinions occur for nobody but myself. I am entirely fascinated by the fact that one could turn a certain age and they are allowed to speak up, voice their opinions, and everyone is forced to hear them. They may not be accepted but they are heard. Now at my age I feel like it flipped.

I have been working hard to be myself in front of people instead of having different versions of myself for different situations. I should be allowed to be me and not care if people agree with me or become stifled but more often than not, I speak up, voice my opinion, and am not heard. In turn, this folds into a fear of conflict and a lack of assertiveness that did not used to be there. 

Last week I saw a boy become a man. Recently, I have noticed a man become a boy. Some day, I hope to find myself as a man again. At least this time I get to skip the whole puberty thing.

[jtoetschinger]

Just a Crack

When I was 19, I went to Mexico for the summer to live with an old exchange student we had when I was 2. While there I went riding on an ATV in the sand dunes. I had an accident, I went up one side and the other side was just a big - BIG - drop off, and messed myself up pretty badly. One lasting effect, now 7 years later, is that my bones, specifically my spine, neck and right shoulder/clavicle, are out of place. This leaves me with periodic intense headaches and a right shoulder that hangs approximately two inches, my estimation, lower than my left shoulder.

This shoulder problem can be fixed through proper exercises and stretches. I used to go to a chiropractor/physical therapist, back when I could afford it and had insurance, and he gave me these weights that I strap to my forehead, for my neck, and my right shoulder, for the shoulder, that are supposed to help my body move back naturally. 

It works. It really does. However, your body tries to moves into place and cannot get there because other pieces of your body are in the way of itself and needs to be adjusted. This causes intense little pockets of periodic pain. These pain pockets can really only be massaged or cracked away in my experience. 

I cannot afford these to be done professionally so I get on my foam roller and push as hard as I can. It makes me feel better for a little while but only if I get that crack. I just need a little crack to make it through my day.

[jtoetschinger]

So This one Time...(2)

I was in music class in, I want to, and will, say, third grade...maybe fourth. I do not remember the teacher’s name. I only remember her glasses and her dark boyish cut, think Stephen Baldwin in The Usual Suspects, hair. I don’t remember the pants I had on but it was probably something in a “husky” cut but I do remember my maroon colored sweatshirt with a little Goldy Gopher embroidered on the left breast. 

It was almost the end of class - there were maybe 5-10 minutes left. I started feeling dizzy and unwell so I raised my hand and asked if I could go to the nurse when called upon.

“No. Class is almost done. You can wait.”

I will never forget that response and I will never forgive the teacher.

Class ended and we lined up at the door. I went right in the front so that I could ask my teacher when she came if I could go to the nurse. I told her I asked the music teacher and was told I had to wait.

“When we walk by, you can stop off and go in.”

As we were waiting to go, I proceeded to become more dizzy and my vision started to blur. Later on in my life, I would be able to look back at this and recognize it as the sensation of fainting and what leads up to it.

My vision blurred so much that I couldn’t see anything as we started to walk out of the room. Suddenly, I felt my stomach wrench fiercely and I spewed all of its contents in a second. 

My vision regained. After vomiting I was able to see and I saw everything.

I looked down and saw little white chunks all over my maroon sweatshirt and the ground.

I looked up and saw all of the kids in the next class that was lined up to go into music staring at me in disgust and yelling.

I looked over and saw that I had somehow gotten out of the front spot in line and my class had almost entirely gotten to the end of the hallway without ever asking, or for all I know wondering, what the heck I was doing...

The whole class stopped when I did this and I was told to go to the nurse.

As I sat in the nurse, waiting for my parents after the call, this kid named Braedy, almost certain he spelled his name that way for whatever reason, came in with my puke on his pants. I had hit him in the spew or the ricochet from the floor. He changed his pants and went back to music.

I really only remember him and his name because after nearly every music class for the rest of the year, he held out his hands and jumped back when he saw me as a joke. A joke that was admittedly funny for the first couple of times, but was continued far passed the time point of relativity.

Oddly enough there wasn’t that much blowback amongst my classmates. The only teasing I remember is once from a girl afterward whom, in the library, said she did’t want to sit by “sick boy”. That was followed up by someone defending me so it was all good. 

I’m glad I am not in school nowadays as I would assume little rich/spoiled kids would pull out their phones and take pictures/videos of me to post online or send to others...my embarrassment only lives in my mind and not in the cloud.

[jtoetschinger]

The new Douchebag

Hipster

Bro

These two words have been in my vocabulary for far too long in far too negative a light. I use them in a derogatory manner but about very specific kinds of people and activities. They have almost all but replaced the term “Douchebag”, etc. in my vocabulary. 

Sad truth of it is that I know I am definitely a little hipster, others would say more so, and chances are I’m a bit of a bro. 

Another sad truth is that I have such a wide array of criteria that almost all actions, looks, words that I encounter could be classified as “hipster” or “bro”.

Not only is this a warning to me that I need to be less judgmental but also that I desperately need to increase my vocabulary...

[jtoetschinger]

A List Nobody Asked for: Mundane Things The put me Into a Flow State - Yes, I'm Available for Hire

Taking a bath Washing dishes Cleaning windows/mirrors Cooking Ironing Making a smoothie - NOT juice

[jtoetschinger]

Thought Stream - 01/12/2015 at 8:55am

Mind as dry as a sponge

The Today Sponge

The Today Show

Show me the money

Money lover

Love me do

Do you love me?

Meundies.com

Thunder From Down Under

Crocodile Dundee

Dunderklumpen!

Clump of hair in the drain

Everything but the kitchen sink

Kitchen sponge

Mind as dry as a sponge

[jtoetschinger]

My Opinion on Something Nobody Cares About

As I sit and my nerves grow for no reason I can determine, I find myself finding solace in the sitcoms from our friends to the North. The Canadian sitcom is similar to the sitcom from the United States, and I know that it is said that we created the sitcom so technically everyone has sitcoms similar to ours, but is, in my opinion, simply kinder. Even the edge and innuendo is brought to an edge so far from what we have that almost all of the Canadian sitcoms I have seen are like they are made for children. I don't know how the production system and rules of broadcasting work in Canada but I can't help but feel the regulations in Canada are real different than here. It brings these shows to a certain level of saccharine that simply doesn't exist in anything I watch in the United States. It brings me comfort and joy. I am currently re-watching Corner Gas and the things they talk about in the show, the way they speak in the show, and the landscape bring a sense of calm to what I'm watching and having it run in the background brings a sense of calm to everything else I'm doing. Thanks Canada.

[badlydrawneverything]

[jtoetschinger]

T - 3 Months

Today officially marks the day giving us a three month countdown to our wedding. I am more than emotionally prepared...it’s just the rest we need to figure out. Finances. Getting wedding fit. (More on that a different time) Today we are going for a consultation on our wedding tattoos. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock....

[jtoetschinger]

I’m a Failure

This is my biggest fear.

I threw myself into a drastic life change recently and I do not intend to fail. I sincerely hate the idea of disappointing others and I have done so with some people very close to me that do not immediately understand my move. This propels my fear of failure. 

I am not only afraid to fail due to the feelings it gives myself but also because of the feelings it may give others. I am driven to succeed because I need to not only prove to myself, but to prove to others that I am not a failure and I am right in my path I took.

I’m a failure to some...but this failure is going to succeed.

[jtoetschinger]

The day Before one of my Favorite Days of the Year

Tomorrow I have planned to finally take down our Christmas tree. I know that many people have already completely de-Christmafied their homes until next...October? November? Whenever it is that most people start to put things up. 

I take a different approach. I like to put things up in December and take them down in January. But then when I take the tree down, I get to bring it outside and let it dry out. When it dries out I get to cut it and burn it!

No not to this extent. My garage would catch on fire and my fiancé would probably leave me. I just like bonfires.

The smell of the smoke that only comes from wood. The hypnotic, pulsating wave of the flames. The crackle that can block out all other sounds in the world. The feeling that you get when you take it all in and you can completely forget that there are any other people in the world.

A fire is pure meditation.

[jtoetschinger]

So This one Time...

I made a mistake.

I thought I was going to be a big man.

I thought I could handle whatever I wanted to throw at myself.

Then I ate them......

I haven’t touched something of intense spice in quite some time. I am, or apparently used to be, able to handle spices and the general effects they may or may not have on the body. I happen to have a bag of Ghost Peppers in my freezer, because I bought them when in a certain living situation where I couldn’t gook with them so I saved them, and was cooking lunch.

Sautéed kale in olive oil with shallots, garlic, salt, pepper, onion, fennel seeds, a dash of sage, and then one...no, two....no, THREE ghost peppers from my freezer mixed in.

They were small!

They were eaten easily when mixed in with everything giving me just a slight burn that is nothing I couldn’t manage.

Then 4:30pm hit and there was a pain that began in my stomach. I was uncomfortable but I could manage.

Then 5:00pm hit and the pain turned into a burn that kept me from being able to sit. (Side note: You can produce an amazing amount of gas when your stomach is trying to digest something it can’t really handle.) 

Slightly after 5:00pm the burn begins to move and you can FEEL it. You can feel each pepper move slowly into your intestines as the burn intensifies.

After 5:30pm the burn is so bad that it feels as though I continuously need to throw up and am pacing back and forth, in and out of the bathroom questioning the feelings going on inside of me, trying to sit or lie down and not being able to do anything comfortably. 

Somewhere between 5:30-6:00pm my fiancé became so worried and questioning if I should go to the hospital, a no for someone who can’t afford insurance nor works for anything that will provide me with insurance, and went to the store to get me some stomach easing things as I continue to pace and drink water.

For the next half an hour the pain moves around the bends of the intestines and I feel it behind my bladder. Suddenly the pain subsides. I go to the bathroom and defecate but it was just a....false start.

My fiancé comes back and I take some medicine and drink some 7up but then....it hits. 

(Do not go further if you don’t think you can read what I’m sure everyone expects will follow)

I have had diarrhea before, we all have. I have had the stomach flu before, we all have. I have eaten spicy things and the following morning things are a little testy but you are fine, we all, probably, have. I’ve gotten tattoos and felt that pain. I’ve been in both car and ATV accidents and felt that pain. I have fainted and fallen down cement stairs and felt that pain.

I have never experienced this before.

The burning, bubbling, and coating of the oil on hole. The stinging sensation, not knowing if you have torn something or not. The....look of death staring back at you when you thing you are done and you stand up to flush. The feeling that one can only describe as peeing from your butt that is a sad, brief, relief for a second or two before the oil catches up. The continuation of the process, being on the toilet, leaving the bathroom, rushing back in, thinking it is all done and sitting down, rushing back in, for what seems like a life time but really only amounts to an intense 30-45 minutes.

This is all followed by the pain coming back when I am trying to sleep and leaves me praying that it doesn’t result in the same way...

I have learned my lesson. The peppers are in the trash. 

I AM ALIVE!

[jtoetschinger]

New Year, New Goals - My 16 Personal Goals for 2016 (4/4)

13 - Try Something new: It doesn't matter what it is. A movie I've never seen, a book I've never read, something sexy, a food I've never tasted, a pair of pants I never thought I could pull off...At least once a month I want to try at least one thing new.

14 - Do What I'm Asked: I need to start saying yes more. When I'm asked to do something around the house, friend related, family related, job related, wedding related, etc. I can always some up with an excuse to not do something even if I have previously said I would try. If I don't say a resounding Yes, then I can't fail and I can't constantly let others down. If I don't START saying Yes and following through, then all I do is fail.

15 - Be the Best me I can be: I deserve to be a better me for me. Others deserve to have a better me. I'm not saying I'm bad, nor do I intend this to contradict my previous goal of being nicer to myself, but I do personally believe that I am not achieving my full potential. I can DO more and BE more.

16 - Stick to my Goals: I have tried and failed multiple times throughout the past few years to set goals for myself. I have simply let myself miss these goals and continue on with my life as though they meant nothing. These goals mean something. They are to help me grow as a person. I can do this. I love me and believe in me.

[jtoetschinger]

New Year, New Goals - My 16 Personal Goals for 2016 (3/4)

9 - Be Happier: I know it is FAR easier said than done but to have happiness spread across my whole life instead of just bits and aspects would make life better for me and those around me.

10 - Be Self-Sufficient: I do not depend heavily on others in my mind. I DO however, depend on the kindness of others for various monetary aspects of my life. I am too old to not be able to actually support myself and I have gone far too long without being able to pay for my student loans. The longer I wait, the more I pay. The longer I wait, the more others pay, the less money my family has. The longer I wait, the lesser my view is of myself.

11 - Get my cat to Like me: We have two cats. One cat used to like me and she turned relatively recently on me. I get attacked for no apparent reason. I need the cat to like me so I don't need to live in fear...

12 - Be Nicer to Myself: I find it much easier to be nicer to others than myself. I take things out internally and blame myself for many things even if I have nothing to do with them or no control over them. I find this to be self destructive and incredibly difficult to break as a habit. I need to treat myself as though I am worth a damn because...dammit, I am.

[jtoetschinger]

New Year, New Goals - My 16 Personal Goals for 2016 (2/4)

5 - Plant Something and Keep it Alive: Possibly in an attempt to prove to myself that I may one day, next year, be able to keep a human alive, I intend to plant a garden in the upcoming Spring and keep my plants alive. Keep myself alive on what I keep alive.

6 - Catch up on Things: I want to finally read, watch, and play the things I have said I want to or lied about having done…as long as I can find them.

7 - See my Friends: Over this last year I have been in flux due to employment changes and planning a wedding. With that hopefully, the wedding for sure, leveling off this year, I really hope to start seeing and talking to my friends again. Everyone knows who I mean specifically but I have let you fall further from the wayside than ever expected and I am sorry for that. Much love - James

8 - Be Myself: At some point in time over this year, I would like to feel comfortable amongst my family, work people, etc. to be myself fully. I know that being fully unprofessional is not acceptable in certain scenarios and I accept that but if I can’t be myself and not only be accepted, but to stop worrying about being accepted, I will never live a full life.

[jtoetschinger]

New Year, New Goals - My 16 Personal Goals for 2016 (1/4)

One year in the rearview and one year fully in front of me. I have been thinking about it throughout the day and have developed some goals for myself to, at the very least attempt to, accomplish for the grand year of 2016.

1 - Write in public: I write every day, or nearly every day, in my own private journal but I need to start writing in a public forum, such as here, much more often to keep myself on top of my game.

2 - Get in Shape: I have a wedding coming up soon  and the goal says it all.

3 - De-stress in a Healthy way: I find myself becoming more stressed, the impending wedding and job changes, etc., but have been dealing with the stress by checking out in front of the TV or by sipping on something….well if I can start dealing with it in a better way, meditation/exercise, I know my life will becoming exponentially more fulfilled and happier.

4 - Do What I Love, Don’t Love What I do: I am currently leaving one job that I was doing to pay the bills and in two days will be starting another in the same sort of path. I find myself freaking out because I am not sure why I haven’t been able to work getting paid to do something that brings me happiness. I am at an age, and I know plenty of people think that a person my age is full of self-entitled bullshit, that I know a career path that I have found and am passionate about. Not only that, but I am actually really good at it. It is difficult to explain to people as to why I am uncomfortable in working what I am at the moment as it is difficult to put it into words without sounding as though I am doing anything more than whining. The truth is, I aim to finally be able to go to a job that I actually love to do this year. A job that I would do for free but am honored to be paid to do. I am happy in all other grand aspects of my life…I aim to fit this puzzle piece into place.