Dysphoria isn’t just “hating your body.”
Sometimes it’s sadness. It’s crying for the child you never got to be. It’s lying in bed, wondering who you would’ve been, if only you were cis. It’s looking at a cis guy or cis girl and feeling hollow in your chest.
Sometimes it’s anger. It’s screaming at the sky, for the unfairness of it all. It’s wondering, “why me?” It’s lashing out and resenting your family and friends, because even if they try they will never understand the pain you go through, will never understand what using your name and pronouns and supporting you in your transition means to you.
Sometimes it’s numbness. It’s looking in the mirror and just feeling empty. It’s taking a shower and staring at the ceiling, hands going through the motions, forcing yourself not to look down. It’s pushing your friends away because you can’t feel it within you to laugh or care anymore. It’s seeing someone else and hearing someone else and people talking about someone else, not you.
Sometimes it’s fear. The fear of changing in front of someone, of doctor’s appointments, of looking in the mirror when you step out of the shower. It’s the knot in your throat when you hear someone call you the wrong name but you’re not brave enough to correct them. It’s the fear that you’ll never get to be yourself.
Sometimes it’s confusion. It’s being young and wondering why those pronouns feel so wrong, why your name doesn’t fit you, wondering why your body feels so wrong but not having the words you need to explain yourself. It’s walking past a store window and being genuinely puzzled, because for a second, even if just a second, you forgot that you were transgender. It’s expecting to see something but seeing something else entirely.
Sometimes it’s exhaustion. Sometimes it’s so damn hard and you just want to sleep and never wake up again. Even if you’ve just woken up in the morning, you still feel like the weight of the world rests upon your shoulders, and your shoulders alone. It’s the feeling that no matter how much you sleep, you will never wake up to a world where you will get to be who you are without going through so much pain and effort and money. It’s wishing that someone would just hold you and tell you that they love you no matter what, no matter what- they’ll support you and fight for you and call you the right things.
Dysphoria isn’t just “hating your body.”
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