Harry's head was still spinning, and his lungs strained to get enough oxygen into his blood.
His mouth was dry, his lips a bit chapped from breathing through them for the pastâhe looked at the clock on the wall, squinted at it, trying to guess without his glassesâan hour? Two? He barely had enough strength to turn his head back and keep staring at the ceiling.
"You're dehydrated. Come on, drink."
Fingers slipped into his matted black hair and lifted his head just enough so Harry could down a full glass of water. He gasped for more air afterwards, let his eyes fall shut, and his head fall back onto the mattress.
The mattress was wet. The sheets, too, were wet. Harry moved his arm sluggishly and felt for the fabric. Sodden, everywhere, rumpled, and one corner had come undone. Merlin, Harry had come undone. A single little giggle escaped his roughened throat. It made the muscles in his abdomen tighten, which led toâoh, fuck, he was leaking come, adding more to the mess. It shouldn't feel so hot. How could it feel so hot? It had been nothing like this with Ginny. Never.
Harry moaned, clenched his hole to keep it inside, then huffed another breathless, blissed-out laugh.
The bed beside him dipped. A warm washcloth touched his come-stained middle. Twice. He had come all over himself twice. After coming down Draco's demanding throat.
"You're not losing your mind, are you?" Draco asked, cleaning him without magic, taking his time. "Not that anyone would be able to tell the difference if that head of yours had finally emptied itself entirely."
"You could," Harry said, then swallowed. Draco's words were mean, as always, but his touches with the warm, soft washcloth were so tender. It smelled like lavender. Soothing.
"Ah, that would be because I'm the only one paying actual attention to you." Draco lifted one of Harry's limp legs off the bed and wiped him down from taint to rim, humming with pleasure when he saw Harry's puffed, used entrance twitch from it.
"Is that why it felt like this?"
"Elaborate," Draco prompted, repeating his gentle ministrations on the other side.
Harry sighed, blinked his eyes back open, and watched the patches of light scattered through the tree in front of the bedroom window dance. "I don't know how to describe it."
"Vain prat," Harry laughed, because he felt high from what had happened and couldn't even begin to get mad.
"Try again," Draco instructed him, rinsed the cloth, then bent over Harry to wipe his sweaty face.
Harry locked eyes with him and lost himself for a moment in the silver, the tiny creases proving Draco was smiling earnestly. At Harry. Cleaning him. After he had kissed Harry until his knees had given out, his mind reeling, his hands clinging. Draco had got them upstairs, into bed, naked. He had talked Harry through it, step by step, explaining what he was about to do to him, knowing Harry had no experience with men, only wet dreams.
"Iâ" Harry started, then stopped, unsure how to put into words what was a tangled heap of confusing feelings sticking to an epiphany or two, wrapped in regret for taking so long. The timing was all wrong. "I think," he started again.
"Can you?" Draco grinned at him, set the cloth aside, and lay down next to Harry, head propped on one hand, starkers and beautiful, and Harry lost his train of thought again.
"No." Harry looked away from him, then tried a third time. "It was so good."
"I know."
"Shut up." Harry attempted to smack him, but his arms were still all gooey. "You were probably showing off anyway."
"Quite the contrary. I was holding back," Draco told him, one hand stroking up Harry's stomach, up through his chest hair, caressing him.
"You were?" Harry whimpered.
"You already seemed quite overwhelmed," Draco said, low and smug, but also fond. "I have to admit, I like the look on you."
Harry took a deep breathâMerlin, even all the muscles around his ribs achedâthen grabbed for words swimming in his head and exhaled. Maybe he had the right ones now. "I didn't think it could feel this way."
"You really ought to elaborate," Draco replied.
"Fine. Er." Harry twitched when Draco traced a nipple with one finger. "Stop that. It's distracting."
"To the weak of mind."
"You made me weak, you git." Harry lazily slapped at Draco's hand and let his tired forearm rest on his chest after missing him.
"Hm, yes." Draco smiled at him. Harry couldn't breathe again.
"I didn't know," Harry scrambled to gain linguistic ground, "that this was real?" He sounded unsure, and Draco's frown told him to elaborate. "I thought this, this, I dunno. This feeling like melting inside, forgetting your own name, the whole thing about seeing stars and your mind going blank was all bodice ripper rubbish."
"You finally learnt to read, and that's what you chose?"
"Draco," Harry groaned. "What does sex feel like to you?"
Draco raised his brows and blinked several times.
"Do you always enjoy it?"
"That's the whole point of carnal pleasures, isn't it?"
"Is it?"
"Harry," he said, using his given name for the first time that day. He used it sparingly, to get Harry's full attention. It worked, always, like a charm. "What is sex like for you?"
"Er." Now it was Harry's turn to blink. Thinking was still hard. "A more intimate way to take the edge off than wanking?"
"The edge off?" Draco repeated slowly.
"Yeah." Harry nodded sheepishly. "You can't pretend you don't feel that too. Bit like pressure, and then you need to get it out or you start biting at the furniture."
"You animal." Draco snorted and pinched him.
"My edge is now so far off I can't even tell where it is. Over the horizon, maybe, or in a different dimension. I feel all floaty and buzzing, andâ" His words dissolved when Draco began to shake his head with a broad smile. "Er, I... Like this. Chest all full, and like I can't move and I don't want to move, and I feel, I feelâhow do I feel?"
Harry was getting emotional, and it got worse the longer he looked into Draco's eyes. Or it got better. He couldn't tell. He needed someone to tell him.
Draco didn't say anything, only held his gaze, his hand wandering over Harry's body without cease, his fingertips causing goosebumps with their tenderness.
"How do I feel?" Harry asked, and suddenly his eyes were stinging, welling up with tears. "I've never feltâthisâall of this," he admitted, still unable to label what this was, feeling embarrassed for crying.
"Harry," Draco said again, his hand sliding up the column of Harry's throat as he swallowed a growing knot in it, then further up, cupping his cheek. "Have you never had sex with someone you were in love with before?"
Something in Harry shattered, fell entirely apart, and he couldn't even see Draco's pretty face anymore. He was crying too hard. Merlin, fuck, he was such a mess. He was ruining it. Draco would wrinkle his nose and push him away and be done with this and leave andâ
"Shh, darling," Harry heard him say, and a thumb stroked his cheekbone. "How can you not know what love feels like?"
Harry only shook his head and turned onto his side, pulling his legs up. Draco kissed his forehead, his wet cheeks, his trembling shoulders, stroked his back.
"You have to admit, it is a little silly, considering the way you've always looked at me," Draco told him quietly, pulling him closer. "I rather thought you knew you were in love with me."
"I'm an idiot," Harry wept.
"You are, yes, but it seems you only needed a little educational experience."
Nothing about this was little. His entire world had shifted a step to the left, and Harry was stumbling to keep up.
"You can be mine, if you want," Draco whispered. "Do you want that?"
Harry nodded, never having been more sure of anything, even if he couldn't put it into words himself. He wanted Draco. Always.
He had spent years pretending the little jump in his stomach whenever Draco entered his office was irritation. Then came the chats in the Ministry cafeteria. The glances in the lift that made him blush. He learnt which days Draco worked late because those were the evenings Harry somehow found reasons to linger.
Then there were the stolen kisses in dark pub corridors when Harry got separated from his pack of Gryffindor friends on the way to the looâkisses Harry never drew away from, blaming the beer each time and never once his heart.
Draco had always been there too.
"Do you want to feel this again? Letting go of all your worries, giving in to pleasure? Knowing you'll be properly cared for?" Draco continued, pulling Harry flush against him, his hand halting its wandering so he could hold him tightly around the waist.
Harry nodded again, wheezed a yes between sobs.
"I can love you the way you deserve," Draco said, nuzzling into Harry's hair. "You deserve so much better. I'll be that. I can do it." He inhaled deeply. "I love you more than anyone else."
Harry believed it, saw it now. It had been in every touch, in the way Draco had reverently kissed every inch of his body. In his unguarded face. In every breathless word murmured against Harry's skin as he pushed inside: so good, so perfect for me, made for me.
"Be mine," Draco said. "Let me take you to restaurants worth dressing for, show you off, holding my hand, only mine, you gorgeous, sweet man." His voice was growing more possessive, and, inexplicably, it was what Harry needed for the tears to ebb.
Harry could see it: them, side by side, walking tall, all eyes on them, bearing the scandal of it with their heads held high. "I'm not a trophy," Harry said with a sniff.
Draco pulled back so he could look Harry in the eyes. "Say the word and you never have to come home wishing you were somewhere else. I'll make sure you never mistake being wanted for being loved again."
Harry looked at him and nervously bit his lip as his heart jumped into his throat, since his chest lacked the space to keep it. He thought about how Draco had been brave enough to hold his gaze like this for years.
And Harry had been blind, so unfathomably blind.
"Yours," Harry replied.
With a deafening crack, Draco Apparated them out of the bedroom, leaving the ring he had pulled from Harry's finger while cleaning him behind, wrapped in the wet cloth on Ginny's nightstand.
So... I found this and now it keeps coming to mind. You hear about "life-changing writing advice" all the time and usually its really notâbut honestly this is it man.
I love the lawyer metaphor, because whenever I see âJohn knew that...â in prose writing I immediately think âhow? How does he know it?â Interrogate your witnesses. Cross-examine them. Make them explain their reasoning. It pays dividends.
I think a lot of people misunderstand why enemies to lovers is so popular. Itâs quickly become one of the most pervasive tropes in many novels. Is it the banter, the tension? Thatâs definitely part of it. But if that were true, then friends-to-lovers and literally any romance with good dialogue and characterization would scratch the same itch. For some, it does, but for manyâŠenemies-to-lovers just hits different.Â
My theory is that it isnât actually about love, not really. I think it fulfils a fantasy that no other trope can provide: the fantasy of being seen as an equal.Â
Think about what specifically makes someone an enemy in fiction. Itâs not just someone the MC dislikes, itâs someone who can affect them in tangible ways, maybe even have the power to ruin them, challenge their worldview, expose their weaknesses, etc. The relationship begins with conflict because the characters are fundamentally opposed in some way. It doesnât matter why, but theyâre fighting. There is a struggle for dominance.Â
I would argue that the most impactful enemies-to-lovers moments are never the romantic moments, theyâre the scenes where power shifts. They BOTH lose: theyâre forced into a position that would have horrified them at the beginning of the story. They end up needing (or wanting) each other.Â
Thatâs why I think people are often disappointed when a supposed enemies-to-lovers story turns out to be a milquetoast attempt where theyâre just kinda mean to each other for a few pages, and then immediately start making out. Whereâs the risk, the actual threat? If the characters arenât capable of genuinely affecting one another, then the relationship isnât actually transforming in a satisfying way. The appeal is in the fact that they have power over each other, because the eventual trust they build requires real surrender.
Because hereâs the thing about enemies; they pay attention, and usually more attention than anyone else. They notice weaknesses because theyâre actively looking for them, they notice strengths because they need to account for them. They notice habits, blind spots, ambitions, fears.Â
They study the MC with a level of scrutiny that borders (and later crosses) intimate, but unlike friends (or supporting characters in the MCâs corner) theyâre not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt, they donât overlook flaws out of affection. Which is exactly what makes the eventual romance so satisfying. It feels earned.Â
Itâs easy to imagine being loved by someone who sees the best version of you, but itâs an entirely different thing to be loved by someone who has seen you at your worst. Thatâs why this dynamic often feels more convincing than romances where the characters are immediately into each other.
I imagine there are many who go through life feeling misunderstood, or worse, that the people who love them only love the polished, perfect version they present to the world, almost like impostor syndrome. But what if there was someone who couldnât be fooled by this carefully constructed image?Â
When someone more powerful chooses someone, maybe the fantasy is protection. When itâs someone less powerful, the fantasy might be admiration. But if thereâs someone intelligent and observant enough to see the MC as an equal, the fantasy there is the most intense and honest validation.Â
Which means enemies to lovers was never about turning hate/annoyance into love, it was about turning power into vulnerability â which is a terrifying loss of power, which THEN leads to intimacy.Â
"who does sirius think he is telling me not to be reckless and not leave the castle?"
and then he proceeds to NOT be reckless and NOT leave the castle. if you want harry not to do something, just make sure sirius is the one delivering the message.
art will save you, being unreasonably passionate about something niche will save you, letting past sources of joy show you the way back to yourself will save you, earnestness over composure will save you, the natural world will save you, caring for something bigger than yourself will save you, daring to be seen will save you, kindness not as a whim but a principle will save you, appreciation as a practice will save you, daring to try something new will save you, grounding will save you, love will save you, one good nights sleep will save you
That âcomment on your a03 workâ email hits like a line of cocaine every time. unmatched dopamine increase. shoutout to everyone who leaves a comment on fics. you deserve the world
"Who attacked him? He got out of the house, right?" Ron asks loudly, not wanting to be ignored.
"Why do you think he was attacked?" Bill asks quickly.
"Well it's... I mean..." Ron stumbles a little, not really knowing what to say. It's Harry after all, so of course someone had to have attacked him. Or, well, not attacked since last year it was that crazy elf going and messing with him.
I just wanted to say that every time Ron opens his mouth I want to punch him, same with Hermione, they somehow always make Harry feel worse even I'd they don't try, the sound so realistic it makes me combust, I had so many people treat me that way, and feel just like Harry, that I makes me wish for an explosive Harry blow out were he screams at them and makes them "an enemy of the good folk" or straight up, not their friend anymore and they kind of feel like a thread snaping out of their chest like losing Harry's favor, it sounds super dramatic but I know Harry would only feel worse and guilty, those type of people always make you feel like everything is your fault somehow. Anyways, this to say, even if that doesn't happen and they do properly make up, I still feel a bit of maliciousness towards them, not like death malicious, but like, end in the hospital wing kind of thing.
I hope you have a great day and upcoming week!
Hello Anon - I am right there with you in being frustrated by them! I do pour a lot of my own "stuff" into BOTL, and much of the cajoling, guilt-tripping, somewhat gaslighty things that Harry's friends do are very much informed by experiences I've had. Some are even very much informed by ways I treated my friends in High School. There are no perfect people and I certainly am not one.
I was reflecting on this message and the one I got the other day asking me about Ron and Hermione and why I've made certain choices with them and I feel I didn't give the other ask a fair shake, and this one kind of inspired me to take a deeper look at some of the scenes between Harry, Ron, and Hermione, so I thought I'd take this time to do a bit of a deep dive.
Major spoilers for everything that's happened in BOTL so far below!
Let's start way back in BOTL, Chapter 9: You Are a Gift. This is the chapter immediately following Harry getting attacked by dementors, and then fleeing Privet Drive. In the scene where Dumbledore is briefing the Order on what happened, the kids are all brought down to be questioned on the off chance Harry told them where he might go. We have this little moment between Ron and Hermione...
Hermione was pale, both hands over her mouth, while Ron sat next to her with his head in his hands. He muttered something under his breath and Hermione quickly turned on him.
âI told you we should have said something!â she cried, her voice so high Remus winced. She stood up from her chair, back ramrod straight. âIâm sorry Headmaster, itâs just - it seemed so harmless! He was often leaving the wards to go to the library. Or sometimes the woods -â
âI donât think he was serious about going to the woods,â Ron muttered.
âWell he could have been!â she snapped, âWhat do we know? Harryâs hardly written to us this past month. Weâre lucky to get more than the words Iâm alive on a scrap of paper!â
âBecause he thought you were going to rat him out!â Ron snapped back, glaring up at her. âItâs not right to keep him trapped inside the walls of the muggle house all summer! What is the point of a guard if they canât walk him to the damn library?!â
This scene gives one of the clearest pictures of Ron and Hermione's differing points of view when it comes to doing right by their best friend. Hermione knows Harry is independent, smart, prone to impulsive and dangerous decisions, and she is willing to fall on the sword and take a beating from both Harry and Ron by alerting an authority/adult figure if she truly believes he's in danger. And she knows they know she'd actually do it, seeing as she did it with the Firebolt in third year.
Now, important distinction here...Hermione threatened to tell on Harry for straying from his relative's house, but she never actually did it.
Ron, on the other hand, is very empathetic to Harry's plight. What he's muttering under his breath is something like, 'I can't believe he actually did it!' with this thread of awe, which is what pisses Hermione off, because she sees it as him encouraging Harry's behavior.
Instead of Ron and Hermione being on the same page about Harry, which you might assume they would be given they've been alone together at Grimmauld all this time, there's still very much a "trio" push and pull going on here, where Ron is on Harry's side but, notably, not actually going to take action. Hermione, on the other hand, sees herself as doing right by Harry, but is willing to take action, it's just that action she's willing to take happens to be a nuclear option of getting the adults involved, which would only drive Harry away (and she knows it) so she doesn't do anything.
At the end of the same chapter, just after Bill arrives and announces that he's found out Harry has claimed his Lordship, thus the trace is broken on his magic, thus he can protect himself, we see a complete change in Ron and Hermione's attitudes.
Hermione was whispering intently to Ron, who was glaring down at his knees. âHarry is a powerful young wizard.â Dumbledore looked knowingly at Harry's friends and received a tentative smile from Hermione. Ron, though, was white as a sheet, gripping the table with both hands.Â
Now, the reason that they feel this way is because Hermione's greatest concern is Harry's mortal safety, and she knows Harry can protect himself, but she is also always thinking about the overarching system/powers that be. Now that she knows he can do magic without punishment, she's greatly relieved. She doesn't really believe Sirius would hurt Harry, and she knows Harry can protect himself, thus, she relaxes somewhat.
Ron, on the other hand, hears this news and all he thinks is - Harry didn't tell me. Harry, his best friend who he has been loyally advocating for that summer (as much as he can, in his mind) and defending to Hermione, secretly claimed his Lordship sometime before that night and didn't tell Ron.
For Ron, that would be absolutely devastating. Now he's thinking, okay, so Harry doesn't trust me as much as I thought he did. I thought we were okay. I thought we were best friends again. What did I do wrong? Does he secretly hate me? Does he think I would rat him out like Hermione would, even though I never have? Etc, etc, etc.
The biggest thing that happens from this little moment in Chapter 9 is it lays the groundwork for Ron's entire frame of reference about Harry to change. Prior to this, Harry has always been his friend who needed him in some way. Harry was a lonely, isolated mess without him in fourth year (when Ron was being an asshole yes, but just try and think from Ron's POV for a second). Harry has always brought Ron along on his adventures and misadventures. Harry and Ron agree on nearly everything. Harry and Ron have similar opinions about lots of things, and sometimes they fight, but they feel like equals.
Part of feeling like equals is Ron assuming that Harry has just as little control over his life as Ron does at this stage. In fact, in Ron's mind, Harry has even less control because he doesn't even have a guardian that gives a fuck about him. Sirius doesn't count because he's, you know, an escaped convict. He can't really take responsibility for Harry, and so Ron associates Harry as someone that is uniquely his responsibility, in a way. He takes care of Harry. He asks him mum to send him food, he invites him to his family's house for the holidays, he explains the magical world to him, etc. Ron gets to be Harry's big brother, in some respects.
But now, everything's changed. Ron's naive little worldview has been shattered. Harry is Lord Potter, magically and legally emancipated in their world. He up and left the Dursleys, flagrantly disobeying the orders of the most powerful wizard in the country (Dumbledore), and he's made it very, very clear that he does not need Ron, Hermione, the Weasleys, Dumbledore, or anyone.
Thus, this happens:
âBut you have to go back every year to renew it!â Ron protested. âI guess that doesnât matter anymore now that you broke it, but-"
âIÂ broke the blood ward?â He repeated, aghast. âIs that what he told you?â
âOr you convinced your Aunt to do it, it doesn't make much of a difference,â Ron reeled back from him, lifting his hands placatingly. âIt doesnât matter, mate. All Iâm saying is, there was clear logic behind why you stay with your muggles in the summer. I donât know why this was such a big deal to you this year when you've gone back-"
In Chapter 14: The Bonds Between Us when the trio has their massive fight (that took me aaaagges to write and many, many tries on my whiteboard to make sure everyone made their points and the dialogue made sense), Ron places a ton of responsibility on Harry for his life that he never has before. Because Harry has taken responsibility for his own life now, and so Ron, our legalistic strategist whose feelings are hurt, holds all of his decisions under a microscope and basically demands that Harry take responsibility for them.
It's not fair, it's mean, it's selfish, but to me (and to the Ron in my head) that just made sense.
And then, after all that, the bomb gets dropped. Harry's massive reaction to hearing about the fiendfyre attack, and then a few chapters later when the trio reunite, the revelation/confirmation that Harry is friends with Theo rocks Ron's world again. Only this time, he starts to question if Harry really is wise enough to be taking as much responsibility for his actions as Ron first thought. Ron begins to wonder if maybe this Theodore Nott fellow has poisoned Harry's mind against Ron, Hermione, and everything the Order stands for. Or maybe Sirius was the one who did it. Sirius was who Ron first suspected might be 'corrupting' Harry, so to speak, but even Ron didn't take that theory very (excuse me) seriously.
To finish out Ron's bit before I double back and talk about Hermione - after the ensuing chaos of the summer, Ron ends up sort of in limbo. Part of him slinks back to normal, trying to treat Harry like his best mate, to show up for him, joke with him, have his back, etc. That's why he apologizes to Theo. That's why he hears Theo out in the library. Ron still acts in that role as "Harry's older brother" which is really more of a caretaker position. He's trying to protect him, he's worried about him, but he's also trying to give Harry space so he doesn't just disappear and leave Ron behind forever. That is the last thing Ron wants.
BUT, Ron still puts his foot in his mouth (like, often) because - he's Ron. and it's easy to fall into old habits with your friends. Like this little ditty in Chapter 33: Soothsaying
"They just don't seem like the kind of people you'd get along with, Harry," Hermione said fairly. She twiddled her long eagle quill in her hands thoughtfully. "Greengrass and Zabini especially. They're sort of..."
"Stuck-up? Pretentious? Indecent?"
"Blaise isn't indecent, stuck-up, or pretentious," Harry pushed back. "He's actually really cool. I like him a lot."
Ron gave him a concerned look. "Better watch out for that bloke, Harry. You know the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
Harry's spine stiffened. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Ron waved his hand dismissively. "You know about his mother. I've told you before. He's probably just putting you under his spell and then he's going to rob you blind."
"Oh yea, Blaise Zabini really needs my money," Harry said sarcastically.
and then this...
Ron nodded seriously. "Seriously, though, Harry. Those types, they'll lure you in. Make you feel really good about yourself -"
"Can't imagine what that's like!"
Ron sat forward, grabbing for his arm. "Listen! I'm telling you, you can't believe that the version of himself he's parading around is real. He's just being someone you can like to get inside your defenses. I'd bet gold on that, mate."
Ron's falling back into old patterns. He and Harry absolutely used to shit talk the Slytherins together (because, of course they did. And also, because I would do that with my friends, it's like the hallmark of your bestie to shit talk other people with them effortlessly) except Harry's pattern has changed. Harry is not about to tolerate this kind of talk about the Slytherins he knows generally, but especially not Blaise, who has been nothing but welcoming to Harry. That sets off another fight between him and Ron, not out of maliciousness on Ron's part! But simply because he's still navigating these changes in Harry and just starting to realize he might have to change the way he talks about certain things to maintain that friendship.
Now, all that has happened with Ron, okay great. What about Hermione?
Hermione's personal beliefs actually more closely align with Harry's newly shifted worldview than either of them are aware. The thing is, Hermione has a high discriminating factor - as in, she takes in all of the essential facts about a situation or a person and then makes a judgment and it takes a lot of new or compelling facts to get her to change her mind after that. This is where she and Harry differ - Harry's much more flexible. He can allow for shades of grey. He can play with dangerous situations and tempt fate in places that would be a flat-out "no-go" for Hermione.
But when Harry and Ron start fighting that summer and continue fighting, her role as peacemaker between them surges back to the surface. Instead of being able to bond with Harry and curiosly explore the "darker" side of the wizarding world with him, she gets shoehorned by her dysfunctional relationships with them to play the judge and try to be fair to both Harry and Ron. Harry was her first friend, after all, but Ron is/was her crush and so she feels beholden to both of them (Romione is not happening in my fic I'm sorry but she did for real have a crush on him and possibly still does at this point in BOTL).
Because she's taking on this role as as judge/mediator, she's doing her best to try and stop Harry and Ron from annoying each other and starting more fights. She's not really trying to hurt Harry or get back at him except for when she does this in Chapter 29: Dark Star Over Gryffindor
She ground her teeth together, brow pinched. "I'm sorry, Harry, but...it's just that this is how you've been treating us all summer, assuming we knew more than we did and then getting mad at us for not knowing! Now you've gone and...well, Nott's probably feeling the same way that we have been..."
"Are you fishing for an apology from me right now? About the summer?" Harry snapped, his temper coming to life.
Hermione's jaw clicked. "Well, it would be nice," she retorted thickly. "Your feelings aren't the only ones that matter, you know."
Hermione's patience at this point is at an all time low. In her mind, she, Ron, and Harry are so intertwined in this fight that the attacks on Harry in the Prophet are an attack on her. But she's bound by the rules because she's a Prefect, she has to be fair! She can't just start cursing people left and right for being mean to Harry. To her, it's exhausting to go through this and never have gotten one acknowledgment from Harry that it's also hard on her and Ron. Not as hard, but certainly not fun and easy.
Thus, she says:
"Maybe they wouldn't be afraid of you if you told them what really happened!"
Harry scoffed, "Yeah, right, I'm going to sit down for an interview with the Prophet after all they've written about me and bare my soul to them. That won't backfire."
"Well, you're not going to change anyone's minds by keeping the truth to yourself!"
"When has anyone in this world ever cared about the truth!?" He yelled, losing the last of his patience. "You think everything is so fucking easy, don't you Hermione? Well, it's not that easy, it never has been, and even if I were to tell the truth no one would believe me anyway because no one ever does."
"Yes, they do!" Hermione gripped her planner tight across her chest, a flush gathering over her cheeks. "The people who matter believe you! We always believe you."
The laugh that ripped out of his chest was terrible. Cruel and bitter. The sound brought Hermione up short and made Ron's face turn bright red, but Harry wasn't even thinking about last year. He was thinking about this summer, right before everything went pear-shaped. Ron and Hermione digging at him about his relatives. The way they didn't take him at his word when he promised that Sirius was sane and protecting him, not a danger like they believed.
"That's not what it feels like to me," he said coldly.
Hermione's biggest hinderance is that she is so focused on solutions that she doesn't stop to think about what her friends actually want. She has quintessential fix-it energy which can be very exhausting for someone like Harry, whose situation is largely unfixable. Like in this case, in her mind, the obvious solution is for Harry to tell the truth to a wide audience and get his story out there. That's all he can do, and to her, that seems like a reasonable solution.
But she's not considered how Harry might feel unloading that trauma to someone he doesn't know, and, most importantly, Hermione doesn't understand what Harry's trauma is. The feeling of being constantly watched, assailed by the press, to have everyone know your name, your family, make assumptions about you, have the worst moments of your life questioned, debated, thrown in your face all the time. Yes, wixen make assumptions about Hermione, too, but they do it based on vague details that she shares with a whole bunch of other people (muggleborn people, young women, etc). She can only understand Harry's struggles up to a point.
That's why you have this turning point in Chapter 34: The End of Dreaming Part I.
"Because learning to defend your life is completely different than learning how to pass the OWL," Theo snarled with sudden ferocity. "You two have no fucking clue what that's like. It's not fun, it's not easy, and there's no way to separate teaching someone how to survive from taking responsibility for them."
"But Harry won't be doing it alone. It's not all on you," Hermione turned to Harry, pleading with her eyes.
Hermione sees this defense club project as a way to share the load with Harry, to build a community of friends and allies around him that will make him more confident and, hopefully, help him realize that he isn't alone. Because Hermione primarily believes that Harry's "problems" stem from loneliness (like her).
But then...
"You expect me to teach other people how to keep themselves safe when I don't even know how I've ended up here, after everything that's happened?" Harry said haltingly. "Why do you think that's something you can even learn? Nothing I learned in class prepared me for what I had to do. Nothing I teach anyone can prepare them for what it's like when your life is on the line, or someone else's is. Even if I did teach them, it might not be enough, but then they might go out there thinking it's enough and end up dead! That would be because of me!"
Hermione's eyes filled with tears. "Harry. Listen to me." She walked forward and grasped his arms just above each elbow, holding him in place. He froze, breathless all of a sudden. "It's not your fault that Cedric was murdered, and it's not your fault if Voldemort hurts other people. More than learning how to defend ourselves, I just want you to see -"
"Hermione," Theo interrupted, "back up."
"What?" Her grip slackened. Theo pushed her back, gently.
"Back up," he repeated.
Harry suddenly became aware of how tight and shallow his breathing was. John mrrowed in his ear. Harry hadn't even felt him jump onto his backpack. The room tilted dizzyingly, but now that no one was touching him, he could breathe again.Â
He turned his face away, mortified and relieved.
"Um, I justâŠI want you to see how many people believe you," Hermione finished lamely. She started wringing her hands. "I'm sorry," she added. "I didn't mean toâŠ"
This is the moment that Hermione gets it, in a way. This is when she realizes that the trauma Harry is carrying is much, much heavier than anything she or Ron can help carry. This is when both of them wonder (and Ron voices in the next chapter) if Harry can even handle the Defense club.
This all comes down to my interpretation of the characters and of Harry, and I just want to make one final appeal to say my story is not meant to "bash" anyone even though I do enjoy highlighting the worst parts of various character's personalities. But ultimately, what Ron and Hermione have done in BOTL is stayed within their "caretaker" frame of mind for Harry, where they are constantly running after him or trying to get ahead of him to mitigate the damage that he can do to himself by making impulsive decisions.
That is why Harry feels so isolated from them. That's why this pattern of basic disrespect and not listening to Harry keeps repeating itself. And that is why Harry loves being around the Slytherins so much, because they are very much not treating him that way (although, ironically, Draco and Blaise very much have caretaker energy with Theo. The ironic distinction there is that all three of them know it is a sham and Theo can and will do what he wants anyway, so if he wants to hurt himself, starve himself, do black magic, etc, they really can't stop him. Draco and Blaise still recognize Theo's agency and control over his own life, even if he drives them up the wall with worry sometimes).
In my mind there's a slim difference between caring about someone and being their "keeper" or "caretaker". I mean, maybe this is the most on the nose example, but the Keeper of the Library is called a Keeper because they do something the Library cannot do for itself - keep it safe, keep it alive, curate and take care of it. The Library is an undeniably powerful being, but it lacks the essential power it would need to truly take care of itself.
These human characters, on the other hand, have the essential power to take care of themselves. None of them need a Keeper (you know, except for the fact that they do need some adult mentors to guide them). So the Slytherin boys take care of each other, but Ron, Hermione, and Harry are in this slightly toxic relationship where they are focused mainly on "Keeping" each other alive. Alive is not happy. Alive is not safe. Alive is not even really living. To be truly alive you need to be free, and Ron and Hermione's friendship feels very much like an anchor holding Harry back.
Can't wait to flip this dynamic off for Harry. Truly, I can't wait lol.
For my final sentiment, as a treat, if you've read to the end of this long long long post, just know that it's not my intent or plan to write an utterly perfect friendship between the Slytherin boys and Harry. Their model of friendship is far from perfect, and in fact lends itself to some really fun codependency we'll see grow over time.
But hey - they're in a war. Did you think they were going to not develop and/or worsen unhealthy relationships? đ„° Let them be codependent! Let them make mistakes! Let them burn bridges!
My characters run around in my head and basically are doing this all the time just FYI
by castorchoir for the 100 to 1k NottPott Challenge!
Theme: You were once worshipped as a god. Now you hide in the ruins of your own temple.
To make a long story short, heâs drawn a lot of people throughout his eight years at Hogwarts.Â
Many, he has drawn multiple times. Be it because their most remarkable feature changes with growth, to see his own skillsâ evolution, or just because he got it wrong the first time.Â
But, thereâs no one heâs drawn quite as often as Harry Potter.Â
A random assortment of things @jundsthoughts - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
