❝ howdy! my name is mauds (m or maudi works too!) she/they. here is the unstable and not so mentally sound home for all of my works. it's kind of a hot mess around here...just like me ! ❞
— 𝐍𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐆𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍
minors, my blog is not for you. if you're under eighteen, dni.
hi friends, i've been thinking on this for a while and this blog is one chaotic mess. i feel as if it's a misrepresentation of me and represents parts of me that do not exist anymore. my goal is to feel renewed by starting fresh again. mentally, it's been a rough twelve months and i think wiping my slate clean would be good for me.
this blog will continue to stay up, but i will no longer post from it. if you'd like my new account send me a message and i'll send it to you. thank you for your encouragement, love and support on this one. off to the next with much love. <3
— hope this series breaks your heart just as much as mine. <3
[boxerau!steve]
𝐃𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐂𝐀𝐓𝐄
pairing: boxer!steve rogers x fem!reader
concept: steve rogers — the well established boxer, your best friend, and your roommate — holds a special place in your heart and you cradle his own in the palm of your hands. he's everything you've ever wanted, but as you try to reach him from the tips of your fingers, he may just be a little too delicate.
status: in progress
warnings: (all warning in individual chapters) 18+ minor dni — smut, immense bursts of angst, unrequited love (kinda), boxer!steve, mentor!tony, sweet as sam wilson, blood mentioned throughout, physical violence, angry!steve (not pointed at reader), mentions of murder, domestic abuse
𝐕𝐎𝐋𝐔𝐌𝐄𝐒:
VOL. I — ❝ sweet as strawberries wake ❞
VOL. II — ❝ you were dressed in white ❞ (coming soon!)
do not repost, steal, translate, or copy my writing or i will fucking come for you.
pairing 𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀ ➷ — boyfriend's dad!andy barber x fem!reader
warnings 𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀ ➷ — 18+ only [MINORS DNI] unprotected sex, anal (fem receiving - oral/fingering/penetration), degradation, hair pulling, age gape, reader's in early twenties, andy in early forties, boyfriend's dad!andy, extreme daddy kink, voyeurism, cheating, threesome (mentioned), creampie
author's note 𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀ ➷ — lmao so....i was horny and this is the result. also this is the first time i'm writing smut in a year so your girl may be a little rusty. hope you enjoy. <3
wc 𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀ ➷ — 1.5k+
“You’re being such a good girl for daddy. Fuck, baby.” You weren’t sure how you were still taking him, his cock nearly splitting you in half.
The rhythm teasingly slow as he fucked into you, but hard enough for you could feel him every time. “So patient tonight, baby. So proud of you babygirl.”
“Just wanna be your good girl, daddy. Just for you.” His meaty hands grabbed your ass as he lifted you off the bathroom counter and carried you into his bedroom.
His cock rubbing against your clit nearly made you scream — you weren’t sure how much more you could take. Andy kept bringing you right to the edge and then ripping it right away.
He chuckled darkly as you let out a pathetic wine as his dick slipped out of you.
You thought he was going to fuck you on his bed, but instead he pressed your naked body against the window, your breasts on display for the entire neighborhood to see and for Jake, your boyfriend — Andy’s son — if he returned with his mother sooner rather than later.
Andy didn’t let you complain for too long as he sunk to his knees, tongue circling your puckered hole. Wrapping his left arm around your stomach, pulling you close to him as he steadied your weight.
Stopping only to spit in your hole, before he was lapping at you like a starved man.
Gripping his hand in yours so you’d have something to hold on as he fucked your ass with his sinful tongue, making you chant his name like a prayer.
Much to his liking, you pushed your ass out even more, nearly begging for him to fuck your glory hole.
“Daddy, it feels so good. Fuck.” God, you knew you should feel just a little bit guilty — letting his father ruin every part his dick could reach — but not when Andy knew could play you like the most beautiful symphony you've ever heard.
He knew what made you tick, all the kinks he seemed to pull out of you, how to fuck you through an orgasm until he had you coming at least two more times, or the way he punished you — blurring the lines between pain and pleasure.
“I bet it does, angel.” He said nothing more he spread your cheeks apart, gripping the skin, before spitting in your hole again — not that you need any more lubricant.
Using his fingers to spread your pussy open, two fingers splitting you open as he thumb toyed with your clit. The moans you released making Andy’s dick twitch in his boxers.
“I need your cock, daddy. I need it so bad.”
God, did you ever.
“I know baby, but daddy’s too big. Have to open you up first, angel.” Slowly, making sure you were comfortable, before he was thrusting his fingers into a rhythm that you your body shaking, tits pressed into the glass as you moaned out.
But it’d been so long since you had an opportunity to fuck him, and it just felt too good — you were so close.
“Baby, please. I need your cock so bad. Need to feel you inside me daddy, I wanna feel you.” He’d been toying with you all night and it seemed Andy would continue to do so.
“You call that begging? Tell me how much you want my fucking cock, angel."
“Daddy, I need you fuck me in the ass with your thick, fat cock. I want you to fill my ass with your cum until I can’t take it anymore.” Before you could take a breather, he shoved his fingers in your mouth making you taste your slick on his fingers.
“Is this what you wanted, angel?” Feeling him slid into your ass, stretching you until it burned, moaning out his name. “Fuck, I could stay here forever. It’s all mine, isn't it my little cockslut?”
“Yes, daddy. Fuck, it’s all yours.” Shifting his hands to your hips massaging them softly, before he was moving, thrusting you into so harshly you weren’t sure how you were even taking him.
All you could hear was the sound of his balls slapping against your ass as he buried himself deeper. Then you saw him, Andy’s neighbor — Ari.
Watching as Andy picked up the speed, thrusting into you at brutal pace, the warning you were trying to give fell flat on your tongue.
Especially with look he was giving you, smirking as he watched you, wondering how your moans sounded as the blissfully fucked our expression wash over you.
Taking your hair by his hand, pulling you until you were arching your back at an unbelievable angle, as you clenched around him. Even more aroused knowing Ari, the sex symbol messiah himself, was watching you.
He enjoyed the view, watching you get pressed up against the window from his front yard — presenting like the divine feminine herself.
You were so close, his pace so brutal as he speared in your hole, dying for you to cum all over his cock.
Then your worst nightmare, Jake and his mom pulled into the driveway as Ari kept his eyes on you.
“Andy, there here, we need to move.” Your voice suddenly finds some clarity. “Not until you come princess.” Pulling your hair even more until you pressed against his chest and he brought you closer and closer to the edge.
“Come on baby, unless you want him to find out how much of a whore you really are? Is that what you want? Do you want him to see how much you love his daddy’s dick?” His filthy words bringing you closer just as much as cock was.
“I bet you would like that, huh? Have him watch as you fall apart, giving me all you have? Maybe he would even be lucky to see you squirt, he hasn’t been able to do that to you has he? Only daddy can fuck you like the toy you are until you see the stars.” Your ass pushing against him as you clenched around him, hard.
“Fuck angel, you’re close are you? I almost wish he could see this. How you’re so fucking perfect for me. Letting me fuck this ass, letting me fuck you in the shower while you’re begging to come. If I wanted to you’d let me fuck you in front him, wouldn't you?”
Desperately you nodded, begging for a release only he could provide.
“Daddy, I’d let you do whatever.” Panicking as Jake and Laurie funneled out of the car.
“They’re gonna be see me any second, daddy. Please.” You couldn’t be deprived again, you need a release.
“How about Ari? Would you let Ari and I fuck your tight holes, baby? I might even let him come inside you.” It’s all it took, before you were coming undone around him. Hot, white come warming his cock, nearly sending him over the edge.
“You want to suck him off while I fuck you princess?” The promise in his words had your pussy pulsating, screaming out his name.
“Oh, I bet he has a fat, fucking cock. I might even have to get a taste for myself, angel.” God, he wanted to kill you.
“Or maybe I should punish you for not telling Daddy Ari was watching. Maybe I should just let you watch as he fucks my ass, I can only imagine the whines he could pull out of me.”
“Fuck, baby, I want to watch you get fucked, daddy.” Yours words sending Andy over the edge as abused your tight hole, his cum mixing with your own.
“Such a good girl for me, my perfect little angel.” His pace slowing down as he filled you to the brim. You head resting against his shoulder blade as he pulls you out of you and brings you into the bathroom to clean you up, before he puts you in the small dress you were wearing.
“I meant it, baby.” He kissed your lips sweetly, pouring every ounce of his love.
"What, daddy?"
“Ari. He caught us fucking that one night in the car, he’s been wanting to join. Only if you’re okay with it, Angel.” Running your fingers through his hair as he wrapped his hands around your waist.
“Maybe, I’d be into it.” You chucked shyly, burying your face into the crook of his neck — not wine drunk or cock drunk enough to have this conversation.
“Really? Because I’m pretty sure you just came to the idea of it, angel.”
“Shut up, baby.” You kissed his cheek sweetly, before sneaking downstairs before Jake or his mom got suspicious of your absence.
=͟͟͞ ♥︎⋆.ೃ࿔*𝙥𝙖𝙞𝙧𝙞𝙣𝙜 — steve rogers x fem!reader, bucky barnes x fem!reader (past)
=͟͟͞ ♥︎⋆.ೃ࿔*𝙨𝙮𝙣𝙥𝙤𝙨𝙞𝙨 — an intro to a love story as tragic as they come — falling in love with your boyfriend's best friend and dealing with the aftermath. welcome to stolen lullabies.
=͟͟͞ ♥︎⋆.ೃ࿔* 𝙬𝙘 — 1.6k+
=͟͟͞ ♥︎⋆.ೃ࿔* 𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 — 18+ only, mention of fucking, mention of domestic abuse, cussing, drunk!bucky, protective!steve, mention of miscarriages, pregnancy, self-deprecation, angry!wanda (bc damn mommy thats hot)
=͟͟͞ ♥︎⋆.ೃ࿔* 𝙢𝙖𝙪𝙙𝙨 𝙣𝙤𝙩𝙚𝙨 — hi angels! happy wednesday. this is more of an open thought story open to interpretation but might continue this if it's well recieved. hope you enjoy. <3
IT WAS ALL HE EVER REALLY WANTED all he dreamed of since the moment you came into his life. All of your hopes, positivity and optimism crushed every pessimistic attribute he had to offer — almost in one fatal swoop.
You really did try. Loving the best parts of him and the worst even more.
It all seemed like a fever dream. Were your intentions ever pure or did he just romanticize them over the limit of logic? Now, you were gone and he couldn't take back everything he said to you, all of the actions he made to push you away.
Tonight was the first time he saw you with him. It was a match made in heaven — two angels descending from above in holy harmony rather than two fallen angels scrambling their way through hell.
He decided to keep his distance tonight. He didn't want to take away from the night for the two of you, but he had to be a good friend. God knows the ends of the earth the both of you had reached just for him.
The ever spreading gap in his heart made him regret even stepping foot in this place, Steve was happy and you were happy. And Bucky wanted an endless supply of Asgardian liquor.
But he didn’t get upset tonight because you begged him to give you everything Steve was, but he was too broken and far beyond the point of stubbornness to love you the way you deserved.
In the end, you came to the conclusion he already knew — he would never be good enough for you.
“You should be happy for her.” Her Sokovian accent pierced through his ears, joining him on the balcony as he watched you from a distance.
“I am?” Bucky spoke, rather as a question than something he actually could believe.
Wanda laughed cynically.
“Okay, okay. I want to be, is that good enough?” She looked at the skyline, taking in the view as she watched a heartbroken man lie straight through his teeth.
“You don’t want to be ‘good’. You want to be with her, but you can’t.” Her eyes stone called as she spoke relentlessly.
“You showed her what you really thought of her, you can’t take that back. Not between the gods, superhuman, the good or the evil — no one can undo what you said and what you did to her.” Her tone didn’t waver and he knew now this wasn’t a charity case conversation.
She was protecting your happiness because if anyone was a liability to it, there was no other suspect than your ex-boyfriend.
“Just remember that when they walk down the aisle, pledging to spend the rest of their lives together, when they have their first anniversary, when they start a family — none of it would be possible without you.”
Her words cut through him and he was sure it was what she intended. She was your best friend after all, she had seen everything. She was the one person who knew every intimate detail about your life and Bucky's when he was pretty much just an extension of you.
Taking him by surprise, she gripped his strong jaw with a perfectly manicured hand, making him bend to her will.
"I hope it hurts, after everything you put them through. I hope seeing them makes your heart break. I hope the thought of their beautiful life together makes your jaw clench and teeth grind." Bucky tried to move away, but Wanda wouldn't let him.
He didn't get off this easily.
"Wanda, she's looking for you." Steve's voice punctured through their moment and her fury. "It's because of Sam." Immediately, she let go of Bucky, but not before shoulder checking him as she walked away.
Bucky took note of Steve's posture, his fidgeting fingers held at his sides, the twitching of his nose, his blue eyes unable to meet his own.
Steve was nervous.
“I’ve been meaning to speak with you for a while, actually. I was just waiting for the right moment, but there isn’t one.” He knew how Bucky was going to take the news and knowing the outcome made it so much more difficult.
He was backed into a corner and the curiosity swarming in his best friend’s eyes was killing him.
God, he really didn’t want to do this.
“About what?” His steel eyes bounced past Steve’s shoulders as he saw you come into his line of vision. It was from a distance, but you were glowing and goddamn beautiful.
“I know you still love her.” Grabbing Bucky’s attention immediately.
“I thought I always loved her as just a friend because you were with her and the two of you were so happy. I never wanted to be the one to take that away from you.”
“But you did, Steve. She fell in love with the golden boy. All I had to do was mess up enough, huh? Then she was all yours for the taking.” Bucky’s anger was ignited and he was pulling himself from knocking Steve the fuck out.
“Jesus Christ, Buck, she’s not property to stake claim over. She’s an actual person with feelings and emotions and after that night she started coming to me when you guys started having issues.” Rubbing his hands over his face, not ready to rehash over the mistakes he made.
Whether he wanted to admit it or not, Steve chose you over Bucky and he was going to have to live with that.
Parts of him filled with regret but he loved you and that part of him didn’t regret it in the slightest.
“I shouldn’t have let her come to me all the time. I should have been honest with you because truth be told, I knew what I was doing. I wanted her to fall for me and she did.” He should have been ashamed, should have felt at least an ounce of remorse but how could when he was loved by you?
You were so broken, eyes filled with agony with tears overflowing each time you came to him. Steve always wiping them away and guiding you through it while you go back to Bucky.
Every damn time.
Not because he deserved you or particularly treated you how you should be — only because you loved him and wanted to believe this was just the lowest of the lows and the two of you could come back from it.
Even if somewhere beneath the reckless fights, the makeup fucks, and all of his lies mounting to the height of a mountain, you knew it was all too much.
“Is that what you want me to say? Will that make you feel better? Then will you move on because I don’t think so. No. You won’t be happy until your careless hands pull out any life she has.”
Steve could see the tears forming in his eyes but he spent his entire life living in Bucky’s shadow and just didn’t have the strength to do it anymore, no matter how much he cared for him.
“You don’t know how to take care of her, Bucky. She would have never let herself be with me if you did.” The burn of the blonde’s words left him reeling.
Grabbing Steve by the collar before slamming him against the stone pillar, outraged at his self lifting commentary.
“Where the fuck do you get off, Rogers? Picking at the dead carcass of my relationship and I’m the one who has a problem?” Anger overtaking him as his metal arm pressed against his throat, pale flesh as vulnerable as they came.
“You hurt her, Bucky. I know you can’t control it, I know. It’s not your fault but it was happening every night. You were hurting her and she loved you so she took it but that’s not love.” Steve pushed Bucky so he was on the other side of the balcony.
He was sure Bucky had bruised his neck, he felt it ache already.
“I had to protect her, but I didn’t mean to fall in love. And I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you this, but she’s announcing it tonight and I don’t have a choice.” Steve breathed heavily, so terrified he had already lost Bucky.
“What are you talking about?” Bucky barked at him, tired of Steve beating around the bush.
He never was one for ripping off the band-aid, and tonight’s display made it more than obvious.
“We’re having a baby together — she’s pregnant.” He knew Bucky’s face would fall and tears would flow with it. Flashbacks of the moment he came to the hospital and Steve was there standing at your bedside, he should have known then.
The nights you cried over your unborn child with Bucky and he tried his best to console you, but you just pushed him further and further away.
So, he let you. Not wanting to damage your grief he let you go through what you needed, not knowing Steve was the one helping you navigate through your grief.
The one who you ran every time it became too much because he was the only one trying to do what was best for you.
So, you lied to Bucky and you still were.
You didn’t want Bucky to feel guilty for what had been done, he already carried so much. So, you let him believe you were the problem and Steve promised he wouldn’t say a word.
Now? He was thankful for it. If Bucky felt bad now, Steve knew he would only feel a million times worse if he knew the truth.
“I should go.” He wiped the tears falling, before looking at Steve.
“Buck, please. I-I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say, but we shouldn't leave it like this.” Steve tried to move closer but Bucky only moved back.
“There’s nothing left to talk about — you’ll be able to give her everything I couldn’t. Congratulations Steve, you’re getting the family you’ve always wanted.” The heels of his boots echoing out before he slammed the door marking his exit.
pairing: college!steve rogers x reader, college!peter parker x reader
forewarning: 18+ only, friends to lovers, cheating, smut (if you squint), asshole!peter (ooc peter), sexual themes throughout, spiderman exists and cap doesn't bc i wanna
wc: 1.8k+
summary: you're left scorned by your lovers betrayal, but maybe there's always been someone right under your nose who can pick up the pieces.
“He won’t like it.” You were sitting on his lap, trying to stay engaged even if his arm was wrapped around your body keeping you in place. The group of people at the party were increasing and the odds of your ex showing up was causing your nerves to skyrocket through the roof.
“If you’re involved, I’ll be more than happy to comply kitten.” His breath causing a tingle to draw up your spine, his body pressed more than tightly against yours. “Who gives a fuck what the asshole likes? It’s not my problem he was dumb enough to get his dick wet by someone who wasn’t you.”
It was true, you had caught him spearing into his best friend who he told you to never worry about. Until you found them fucking in his bed. It was comical really. You arrived early from visiting your family over the holidays, anxiously excited to see your boyfriend of two years.
Until you walked into his apartment, the scene setting the tone for what you’d find. His clothes and hers’ lead a path into the bedroom to find them tangled, sweat and regret were written all over their guilty faces when they finally acknowledged you. It took them a minute or two as you watched as he fucked her. You wished it would have been hard and fast — a means to a horny end. But it wasn’t like that at all.
It was slow and passionate as you saw him whisper in her ear like he meant to be there and not anywhere else. You listened to her whines, chanting his name over and over again — her pants and his moans burying you in the grave.
Then, he saw you.
Tears were the first thing he noticed, the stained ones on your cheeks and new ones that you couldn’t stop from coming out. Not a word came from you as he slid out of her and rushed to find some clothes. She grabbed the sheet from the bed and walked straight past you, too shameful and embarrassed to meet your eyes.
“I think I should go.” You whispered, too shocked and betrayed to fully process what he’d done to the both of you. “Please don’t. We should talk about this.”
“Talk about what, Peter? How we’re having issues of you not trusting me with Steve, who is the only family I’ve ever had, and then you decide this would be a great time to fuck your best friend?”
He was speechless, no words were able to fall from his lips. There was no apology or redeemable line he could spit because he knew you hated him. He hated himself and now you did too. It wasn’t like he meant for you to find out this way, but Gwen knew he was spider-man. He could confide to her in ways he couldn’t with you. Paired with his trust issues with you, Gwen was there to wipe away every stressed tear.
Then, there was Steve Rogers — stupidly muscular, star wide receiver standing at 6’4”, and a smile that everyone fell for. He’d known you since you were fourteen and would always know you in ways Peter could never measure up to and it infuriated him.
It didn’t help that women threw themself at Steve, yet he always ended up rejecting them all. Peter had an inkling on why and it was the reason for why the two of you had been fighting for weeks.
You love Peter more than anything and you just wanted him to see that, so you got an early flight out wanting to surprise him. Mentally agreeing to take a step back on your friendship with Steve if it's took to make your relationship work in the long run, it’s what had to be done. In time, you tried to convince yourself it was the for the best.
Now, you realized Peter had just been projecting his own guilt.
“I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for making you feel like Steve was more important, but I guess you’re the one who should be.” You allowed yourself to meet his doe brown eyes like he was caught in the headlight. He was crying too and it made you feel better it some sick, narcissistic way.
“I never meant for any of this to happen. I love you. She means nothing to me, I promise.” He tried to plead, but he could tell you were more than fed up with him.
“Peter, you realize how incredibly absurd you sound? You love me? You don’t do this to someone you love. Gwen is your best friend and clearly she means more to you than I do. If you even respected me at all, the least you could have done was break up with me first.” The calm tone you spoke in was sending chills down his spine.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else I can say to fix this.” He tried to step forward but you just took two steps back.
“I just hope she was worth it.” You left and he didn’t follow you — didn’t call and didn’t text you. You spent the next three weeks crying your eyes out, mourning what you thought might have been your forever.
Steve was there for you, wouldn’t leave actually. He’d been bringing a bag every time he came over, filled with goodies for you, and an extra change of clothes for him to change into in the morning. He held you as your cries vibrated his chest, doing his absolute best to calm you down. It was really taking everything in him not to pummel Peter but you had wished him not to so he didn’t.
The days were starting to get better, you had stopped crying and calling out Peter’s name in your sleep.
Your roommate, Nat, had been making herself scarce ever since her and Bucky started dating a few months ago. Leaving Steve and you to be alone. You were thankful for it, you didn't need anyone else to see the heartbreak you were constantly wearing on your sleeve.
“Come with me tonight. It’ll be fun.” Steve’s attempt to coax out of the four walls of your home. Besides class, you hadn’t really gone anywhere no matter how much he begged you and he was doing quite a lot of it lately.
Part of him only having his selfish agenda in mind, but the softer, kinder bits of his soul just wanted to see you happy again. You’d been tense, a bit bitter even. Anyone who knew you in the slightest could tell, and Steve was fortunate enough to be one of those few you happened to let in.
Maybe he just wants to see the light in her eyes shine again and hear your big, bright filled laugh dance on his senses again. You were pulling from within yourself, practically drowning and he was holding onto you dear life but you can only save someone from themselves if they’re willing to accept it.
“I don’t know, Steve. What if he’s there?” You asked him, trying to summon up the best excuses you could come up with. “Then we’ll make him regret cheating on the most beautiful woman alive.” The cheekiest of smiles etched on his face as he flashed you his dazzling blues. So full of hope almost like he knew what was coming.
Truth is, you could never say no to him — never have. It’s how you ended up here perched on his lap surrounded by his friends and yours. With liquor in your system and the devil’s lettuce coursing through you, making you feel lighter than the heartache Peter had served you.
You knew Steve was a flirt by nature, it was practically in his blood, but he was laying it on thick tonight. He wouldn’t let you leave his side, not that you were against it. His touch was intoxicating, even more so knowing how many women came up to him tonight wanting a piece of him. He didn’t even entertain it though. Not tonight, not when you were single and for the first time since ever timing was aligning just right for him.
It was like he wanted for you to know he was the one touching you, the one making you feel better. It was all him and no one else.
Three in the morning is when everyone seemed to funnel out, the people who were sticking around were the frat boys who lived here and their girlfriends. The two of you had barely moved all night, your ass practically glued to his lap.
You were playing with his hair, raking it through your fingers as he hummed out in acceptance of your touch. Just like he’d been doing all night and you weren’t sober enough to dismiss his low moans making every part of you want every part of him.
“Stay the night, kitten.” His thick fingers finding home on your hips, delicately rubbing his thumb against the thin fabric of your pretty, lilac dress.
“The both of us know that’s probably not the best idea.”
“I think it’s a great idea. I think you do, too.” Fuck.
“Stevie, I just broke up with him and it’s not even about Peter. You are everything to me — one night of drunken, hot sex isn’t going to take my pain away. I need you in my life, always.”
“I really want to hear more about this hot sex we’d be having, just a tad bit intrigued, but who said anything about one night?” He had you cornered, his words making stubbles incoherent words fall from your lips. Of course, causing him to laugh like a fucking angel.
“Steve, I will literally kill you and everyone in this house if you ever tell anyone what I just said. Let’s just forget this conversation, okay?”
“Why would you think I wouldn’t want more than one night?” He questioned you, but you looked away from him. Trying to pull away but he wouldn’t let you.
“I-I’m not sure. You’re just…you’re you and I’m me.” You moved your hands to your sides wanting nothing more than to vanish into thin air. He smelled so good and his touch felt like a scolding hot fire, burning you up from the inside out.
“Plus, you don’t exactly seem like you’d want more than that. Not like I’m looking right now, I’m the last person that needs to be diving into a relationship.”
“Who’s to say I’m not?” His voice reaches an octave lower than it should, sending wanted waves down to your core.
“Come on, be honest. It’s just me.” You felt anxious now, the moment turning into something you never expected — a side you’d never thought could be viewed from your eyes.
Carefully and calculated, he brought his thumb before tugging at your bottom, plump lip. Fighting his own urge to choke you with it.
“I would want more than one night with you.” His free hand moved so it rested on your ass, his touch so soft you weren’t even sure if it was there. “But I’ll take it if that’s all you want to give.”
He was waiting for you to make a move, to do something, anything.
maudi — twenty-three. mexican. she/they are my preferred pronouns.
my zodiac: pisces sun, leo moon, and aquarius rising
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prefacing this by stating i do not read or write chris evans' fan fiction outside of the characters he plays. i have no issue with writers who write rpf (real person fiction) — i simply just do not partake in it.
other topics i don't write for — non-con, incest, pedophilia, ddlg, and a/b/o
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ɢᴏʟᴅᴇɴ ʙᴏʏ ʀᴏᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ welcome to where my daydreams of steve rogers come to fruition. please do not steal, plagiarize, or repost. the reader insert characters written are fem based and of a legal, consenting age.
ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ʟᴏᴠᴇ ɴᴏᴛᴇ ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ likes, reblogs, and feedback are always appreciated. happy reading my lovies. please do not engage if you are a minor, i will block you immediately.
ɪɴᴛʀᴏᴅᴜᴄᴛɪᴏɴ ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ welcome to junova! where we're in an eternal state of daydreaming due to our pisces sun being in the first house. don't visit too long or you might get stuck here forever.
ɢʀᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ɪᴍᴘᴏʀᴛᴀɴᴄᴇ ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ the content posted on this blog is for an 18+ audience. if you do not meet this requirement, please do not interact with this blog. minors and blank blogs will be blocked from viewing any content posted.
𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ bienvenidos mi amors, you've entered pisces universe. the center of the emotional spectrum. if you're a sag rising or gemini sun, please dread lightly with careful energy. otherwise, make yourself at home my lovely, bright stars.
𝐍𝐎𝐓 𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐘 𝐎𝐑𝐁𝐈𝐓 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ this home is strictly eighteen years of age and up. my universe is not for you if you are a minor, do not engage with my content or the creator. you are not welcome.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐏𝐈𝐒𝐂𝐄𝐒 𝐒𝐔𝐍 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ
hola, i'm maritza. i'm a twenty three year old latina/mexicana. i'm also half white. my pronouns are she/they and i'm bisexual. you can call me m or maudi. i'm a bit of shy sun, don't take it personally if i don't respond to an ask or a mention, that's my social anxiety talking. if you wanna talk, my messages are the most comfortable form of communication. <3
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐋𝐄𝐎 𝐌𝐎𝐎𝐍 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ
this blog does not support transphobia, racism, homophobia, xenophobia, or any kink shaming. this is a safe universe forever and always.
𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐐𝐔𝐀𝐑𝐈𝐔𝐒 𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐈𝐍𝐆 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ
now, into the goodies. below is the directory — everything special about me and everything i create. i hope you love it just as much as i do. happy traveling!
𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒗𝒆𝒏𝒖𝒔 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ writing challenge
𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒋𝒖𝒑𝒊𝒕𝒆𝒓 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ author's creations (new one coming!)
𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒔𝒂𝒕𝒖𝒓𝒏 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ taglist
𝒉𝒐𝒎𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒏𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒖𝒏𝒆 * ･ ﾟ𖡼 ︎ִֶָ⁀➷ ask me anything ...
[ 𝐠𝐨𝐨𝐠𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 ] . . 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 the universe to u ˀˀ ♡
𝒔𝒚𝒏𝒐𝒑𝒔𝒊𝒔 ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ𖡼 ָ࣪ ˖ your boyfriend, your first love found some himself owing a lot of money to the wrong man. thankfully for his sake, you're just what the mobster was looking for.
𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ𖡼 ָ࣪ ˖ mobster!ari levinson x fem! reader, bucky barnes x fem!reader (past/kindof)
𝒘𝒄 ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ𖡼 ָ࣪ ˖ 1.5k+
𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ𖡼 ָ࣪ ˖ 18+ ONLY, slight chocking, sexual degradation, anal oral (female recieving), penetration, unprotected sex, oral sex, voyeriusm, squirting, this is truly pnp, abuse of power? if that's not obvious
𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒎 ໒꒱ ⋆ﾟ𖡼 ָ࣪ ˖ this fic purely stemed from my love for ari levinson and the sexual tension between me and one of my coworkers — he has a dump truck and tattoos aka im in love and i want to fuck him <3 ... aka it's whore hours <3
He was enjoying being balls deep inside you, tits pressed against the glass as your boyfriend watched you get truly fucked. His cock makes you sing like you never really have before, not that’d your boyfriend seen at the very least.
Sure, the sex was good but never like this. The moans leaving your sinful lips had only been brought out by Ari’s animalistic behavior. The ruthless pace he set didn’t help either. His rough hands bruising your hips as he drowned himself in your cunt.
You shouldn’t love it so much, even if it originally started as paying a debt your boyfriend created. The older mobster came to collect what he was owed, but instead found something much more valuable.
Now? You were drunk on his cock and couldn’t get enough of it. “Do you ever fuck her this good? Or is it just me she loves to get fucked by?” Tormenting him was Ari’s favorite thing. Made him feel even more powerful than he already was.
The man who loved you was helpless as he watched you grow louder and louder chanting Ari’s name like a fucking prayer. “Such a sweet little thing, aren’t you? Being so good for daddy as your pathetic, fucking boyfriend watches.” Somehow, he quickened his pace, not even knowing how it was possible to escalate from what he was already giving you.
Not that you were complaining.
“You’re getting so close aren’t you? I can feel it, baby.” He stopped pounding for a second, pulling himself all the way out, just his tip inside before slamming into you with full force. “Oh my god, don’t fucking stop. Daddy, please.” Pushing out your ass for him, before he repeated the process again.
“Turn around, baby.” He pulled out of you so he could pick you up, your soft naked body wrapped around his waist as he walked past your boyfriend seated on the love seat.
Practically throwing you on the bed he found himself buried in your pussy once again, legs bent over his shoulders as he fucked over and into you.
Hands smoothing over your shaking thighs as your eyes might his own. “God, you love my cock just like this don’t you? Buried so deep in you, can’t even remember your own name.”
“Daddy, fuck, I want to come. I wanna be your good little slut.” Tears flowing down your cheeks because it just felt that good, especially when he flipped you the new position filling you even more — he made you ride him.
“See Bucky, this is what she fucking likes. Maybe next time she wants something other than your vanilla fucking sex, you’ll listen.” Even with you on top you couldn’t help but get off in the fact that Ari controlled you while he was beneath you. “If you ever get the chance again.”
With no warning given, he wrapped his tattooed hand around your throat, choking you while fucked up into you vigorously. His balls slapping beautifully against your ass, the sound of your slick mixed with his own almost enough for him to get off.
“Right baby? Tell Bucky just how much of a whore you are for Daddy’s cock. Tell your old love that I own this fucking pussy.” Without any hesitation, you spoke.
“It’s yours, baby. Fuck, don’t ever stop.” He didn’t need to be told twice as he sent you hurling over the edge, your body molding into everything he wanted as you came. Not wanting to ever stop as your ass continued to bounce on his cock, meeting his own thrusts.
You didn’t even care about the words that left your mouth, you just wanted more and Ari was more than happy to help.
“All fucking fours baby, let me see that heavenly ass of yours.” Then, one blink of Bucky’s eye, another man was eating you out of your puckered hole. The muscle flexed around his skillful tongue, but it wasn’t your first rodeo with Ari and you adjusted. For a second, he pulled away, inserting his fingers into your whimpering heat before diving his tongue right back in.
“Ari, make me come. I need to come again. Baby, please. It feels so good, all my holes filled by you. Fucking me like I deserve, don’t stop.” One pinch to your clit before you came again, all over his face.
Euphoria washed over you for the second time your entire body shook, screaming out your lover's name. Ari didn’t even care that you called it out instead of Daddy. Another nail in your boyfriend's coffin would suffice just fine before he painted your walls with his cum.
“Now, I’m going to need one thing from you baby.” You didn’t even care what it was, you just wanted his cum. With those pleading eyes, you were practically begging for it. “Yes, Daddy?”
“Get in front of Bucky. On your knees again babygirl.” Just like the good girl you were, you did as you were told. Loving every second as Ari got behind you.
Maybe you should have felt ashamed but you were too spent out to feel a damn thing but the absolute need for Ari to fill you up. “Now hold on to Bucky’s thighs as I fuck what’s mine.”
“Ari!” You shouted as he abused your sensitive pussy once more for the night. You felt the chair Bucky sat on creak as Ari put his full weight into it. “How are you still so fucking tight? God, you’re pussy just never lets up, does she?”
Tired of your close proximity with your boyfriend Ari pulled you into him, continuing to pound mercilessly as you came for the third time as you pulled on his brown locks.
“One more, baby girl. I know you have one more in you.” His calloused fingers finding your clit as he chased his own impending orgasm. “Please! Give it to me, Daddy. Fill me with your cum. I need it!”
“Look at Bucky as you come, babygirl.” You opened your eyes as you lost it, his dick giving you everything you need. Driving into you as his own orgasm crept up.
“That’s right baby. Fuck, look at that. Squirting all over daddy, making me feel so good.” His dick continued to fuck into you as his hot, warm seed filled. “Ari, Ari. Don’t stop. Don’t ever fucking stop. This pussy is fucking yours. I’m yours.”
“That’s right, baby girl. Isn’t it right, Bucky? Your girlfriend is fucking mine.” Ari let his hands find your tits, holding them in his hands as fucked you through his orgasm.
“So good for me, huh? Look at how much you came. Such a good girl for me.” You both were coming down as Bucky watched as you stayed where you were.
This was supposed to be the last time, but you didn’t seem to want to be anywhere but here — your pussy warming Ari’s cock.
“We’re finished, Ari. This was the last time. You agreed.” You moved wanting to please your boyfriend, post- orgasm wave. He motioned for you to get up, but the man who was buried deep inside you had other ideas.
“Stay still. Don’t move your hips.” To Bucky’s dismay, you immediately obeyed. Ari had a shit eating grin and rightfully so. His chin resting on your shoulder before kissing along your neck, basking in how you cranes it even more for him.
You wished you could move away from Ari, but he was truly insatiable. He just gave you the three best orgasms of your life and still wanted to pull even more and you loved it.
He never wanted to stop making you feel good, that was obvious from the beginning. Ari wanted to remind you just how great he could make you feel.
The first time you tried to tell yourself you wouldn’t enjoy it, being with someone other than Bucky. How could you? Bucky was the only man you’d ever been with and even if the sex was vanilla, it was still great sex.
But with Ari, ever since you had him you never wanted it to stop.
“Face it Barnes, she’s never been yours since she sat on my face the very first night. You think you’ll measure up to me, but you won’t. I’ll always be the guy who can fuck her better than you.” Every word Levinson spoke sent Bucky looking for your gaze but you were nowhere to be found as Ari was rubbing at your clit again.
Once again at the mercy of thick, skillful fingers.
“Maybe you should have read through her journal she keeps on the nightstand. Then you would have known about how she was falling in love with me and my glorious, fucking cock.” He winked before carrying you into the shower, leaving Bucky in the dust.
howdy howdy! i'm super close to my first big milestone on here and i just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to you guys! seriously cannot believe my writing has been well received in this community. even though i may not be as active as i'd like to be, all the love makes me feel incredibly appreciated and loved so i want to give a little of that back to you guys!
𝒈 𝒖 𝒊 𝒅 𝒆 𝒍 𝒊 𝒏 𝒆 𝒔
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 you don't have to be following me, but i'd love it if you were! always down to make new friends. even if im shy af
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 pls reblog if ur gonna join! it helps this not completely flop (๑•ิཬ•ั๑)
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 any mcu character or cevans character! — mcu character x poc are welcomed and encouraged!
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 below the cut are all the different prompts you can chose from — dialogue, songs, and aus
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 nsfw fics are welcome. please tag them appropiately . as a friendly reminder, my blog is 18+ — if you're on this blog as a minor, please leave. the media i put out and support is not for you.
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 what's not allowed — non-con, r*pe, inc*st, other than that everything is welcomed. please just tag any triggers
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 if you'd like to join, send me an ask! ex. college!steve or deja vu + bucky. you can can also do all three — college!steve ± prompt 2 ± deja vu
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 min. word count is 300, pls use the "read more" function if it's more than 500 words. there's no maximum to this! happy writing folks!
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 use the the tag — #sunstalgias1kwritingchallenge and tag me in your fics! i'm going to be putting them all on one masterlist for easy access! i'll be reblogging them as well.
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 DEADLINE: AUGUST 1ST 2021
.˚✦ ๋࣭ˑ ִֶָ 𓂃 if you have any questions at all, feel free to dm me!
notes: this one has been in my drafts....forever. never really liked it too much but fuck it. maybe i can redeem it in a part 2??? this is more of a prologue if anything. idk we'll see. happy reading!
pairing: modern!steve rogers x reader, former!bucky barnes x reader, bucky barnes x natasha romanoff
concept: bucky was all you'd ever cared about, wanting him more than anyone. until he comes along, showing what it actually means to love someone. welcome to heaven in hiding.
warnings: 18+, sexual content, jealous!reader, bucky being a dick, soft!steve, heavy angst, steve is a funny lil shit at the end
wc: 3.9k
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
It felt unbearable to be here. Watching how fondly she still looked at him, after all this time, not missing a beat. It was suffocating, surrounding you by a sea of water and having no other option than to drown. Greedily, his love swallowing you up in your entirety.
He did really try to dodge her looks of longing but still, even now he felt the pull to her. It didn’t really matter how long they were absent from each others’ lives.
As you sat next to him, you could feel him slipping from your grasp. Far beyond your control, way out of your depth, he was falling. Deep down, you couldn’t really blame him. The pictures you’d seen of her did no justice, she was truly a vision. Much brighter than you would ever glow and it made you wonder if what he spoke just a few hours ago still held meaning.
Not to mention, she seemed to be as beautiful on the inside as she was on the outside. Making you grow even more envious of her.
Sure, she had broken his heart but it wasn’t beyond forgiveness. She had simply put herself before the relationship and if you had been in her shoes you could imagine yourself doing the same. All she wanted was a better future for herself, at least it’s what he had told you.
Now sitting here you couldn’t stop thinking about how she looked at him with admiration and love laced in her eyes. Truly, if she still wanted him in her arms there was nothing stopping her.
Surely, not you. You two seemed to live on two different planes of beauty and hers was the kind you dream of having but only have a very little probability of obtaining. With her ruby hair and glossy lips, tempting nearly everyone around her to the way she carried herself and spoke to you like you were the only person she was invested in.
It wasn’t difficult to see why he spoke of her so much. You would, too.
You tried to enjoy the wonderfully prepared meal Pepper and Tony had made, well mainly Pepper. It was delicious, but your senses had gone bitter and it had nothing to do with the food.
You weren’t sure when you started to drift off, maybe it was when Bucky began looking at Natasha like she hung each and every constellation in the sky. Or maybe it’s when you heard her melodic laugh when Bucky delivered the punchline.
It was like Steve, Wanda, and Thor didn’t exist. The lovely couple in their own little bubble, speaking in a language only the two of them understood. Utterly and completely unaware of any and all of their surroundings.
“You okay?” Steve questioned, placing his hand on top of your hand, giving it a small squeeze. Discreetly and under the table away from prying eyes.
“Yeah, I’m fine. I think I just need some air.” You weren’t sure what could remove the nothingness inside of you, but maybe some space would provide some comfort.
You felt like your heart had been ripped out right in front of you, again. He said he wouldn’t do it again, that he wanted to be with you, but all she had to do was come to town and he’d been chasing her just like he always did.
Excusing yourself you dipped out until you were out on the back patio. Alone to just think and mull over any little thing that should have tipped you off, but didn’t. You let it slide on, blinded by how much you thought you loved him.
You weren’t left in the peaceful night long, until Steve was joining you with two wine glasses in one hand and a bottle of red in the other.
“You looked like you could use a glass or two.” Steve gibed carefully. “I’m just using your sour mood as an excuse to escape from the party.” You were about to object when a full glass of wine was shoved into your grasp.
“I’m not in a sour mood. I’m just swell.” You spoke before taking a big swing of the drink, nearly emptying it’s contents, sending it barreling down your throat.
“Sure, honey. Just like the green monster isn’t oozing out of you.” You found yourself intentionally growling at him, just a little agitated of the truth he spoke.
The absolute audacity on this man seemed to never end. Whether it helped you or caused more misery than he intended.
“It certainly doesn’t help that she's so goddamn perfect. Was she fucking made in a lab? Jesus Christ.” You were jealous and if Steve already knew there was really no point in hiding it. It was written all over you, the longing look you were giving Bucky all night, desperately wanting to be the one he wanted.
“She’s not perfect, nobody is. Just better at hiding her faults than everybody else.” He said it like it was some known fact. Something you should’ve already known, but insecurities tended to eat you alive. Truthfully, it didn’t help that Bucky acted like Natasha walked on water in his hopeful, gleaming eyes. Stinging you like a bee piercing your soft, plush skin for the first time.
He really loved her. It didn’t matter how many times she messed up, what he felt was all the same — she was the one.
“Really? I don’t buy it. Name one.” Steve perched himself on his knees in front of you, his hands on the armrest of the chair you made yourself comfortable in. “Okay.”
“How about the fact that she loves Bucky just about more than anyone else but she’s too selfish to let him go? Then, for months she leads him on and promises she’ll come home but always leaves him heartbroken.” Steve let it flow all in one breath, as his body rested between your legs.
“Sounds gruesome.” You confessed because it hit a little close to home. “Yeah, it is and he has no right to do the same thing to an angel like you.”
You hated how he was right, truly hated it, but anyone with eyes could see how much Bucky dragged you through the mud. He had a good heart, but it just hadn’t been good to you.
Bucky’s intentions weren’t malicious and it didn’t seem like he was either but it didn’t take away from how much he continued to hurt you. All of the unintended consequences only affected you as he went on with his day.
Over and over, he continued to cause you pain and he didn’t even know it. Or he did and just neglected to acknowledge it. If he did, he’d actually have to deal with just how much he was actually hurting you.
It wasn’t like either one was particularly gunning for the latter, but Steve was. It wasn’t the first time Bucky had left you high and dry whenever the red head, beauty stepped foot into town. Although it was the first time you had a front row seat to the attention she commanded from him.
You both sat there in silence for the moment, taking in the starry night as he rested his cheek against your leg. He began running fingertips up and down your exposed calf, letting him soothe you.
“I’ll keep thinking I’ll be alright. That’ll get over him, but he just keeps pulling me back and jerking me around for his ride and I let him.” If anyone saw you besides Steve, you didn’t think you could handle it but you’re comfortable around him.
He’s continuously been there for you everytime Bucky pushed to the side for her. Always so sweet, so tender, comforting you in his warmth. Never once judging you, always taking the time time to just sit and listen to you.
“I don’t think it’s even about him anymore. I’m just chasing this unattainable moment, just so I fill this void in me. Maybe if he loves me I can love me, too.” Mumbling under your breath, hoping he didn’t hear you.
“Bubba.” You smiled for a second, as his voice dripped in concern. “You don’t need him or what little he can offer. Not when you can love yourself better than anyone else can.” He pulled himself up to his feet, picking you up from the chair until you were surrounded by just him.
“We love you. I love you, so stop listening to those nasty little thoughts, bubs. They’re far from the truth. You are truly amazing, incredibly beautiful, and deserve the absolute world.” With slight pressure from his index, he tilted your chin up, letting your eyes drown in his.
“Don’t expect anything less.” Steve breathed out, before testing the waters. He just held you there, caressing your back as you just sunk in his arms, allowing his warmth to ease your hurt. Just like he’d done so many times before.
Somehow, Steve seemed to know exactly what you need to hear. You didn’t know how he managed to be so wonderful all the time. Maybe you could just stay there forever with him shielding you from every single evil in the world out to get you.
“Can you take me somewhere? This is the last place I want to be.” Steve simply nodded before lacing your hand in his, before making your way back inside.
The moment the two of you stepped foot into the house, it was silent. Everyone looked at the two of you. Steve took notice of the Bucky’s bugged eyes at the joined hands of his two best friends, but knew better than to verbally acknowledge it.
It wasn’t something Steve and you hadn’t done, but never in the prying eyes of Bucky. Thor and Wanda had taken note of it a few times, but never spoke a word about it. Secretly, Wanda hoped it meant something for you, because she could see just how much Steve adored you.
He never spoke a word, so you remained clueless to a feeling he never felt like he had a right to speak on. No matter how strongly he felt, he knew if he confessed, it would do more damage than good.
You had become one of his closest friends in the past few years he’d known you and he wouldn’t jeopardize it for anything. Selfishly, he left you under Bucky’s radar because being your friend was far safer than risking the rejection he was sure would be sent his way.
He knew you were close to cutting Bucky off from your life completely, he just had to wait it out. Natasha being here tonight was the icing on the cake for Steve, because all he had to do was be here for in a way Bucky never could. Not when he was slicing through your heart every time his attention diverted from you to her.
Just because he was stuck in a past love instead of the future and Steve would fully take advantage of it — being there for you in any way you needed.
Regardless of everything, he wanted to — needed to. He couldn’t live with himself if he let you go through the hurt and heartache alone. Not when so many times you had seeked the comfort of him to lean on. Steve would never be one to say no to you.
“Are you leaving, doll?” The endearment Bucky intended to be sweet but left a sour taste in your mouth. More than that, you didn’t miss the way Natasha’s eyes widened slightly at the use of his pet name for you. The one she thought was only reserved for her.
Maybe if he held affection for you like he did earlier today, your heart would be filled to the brim, but he didn't. So, you weren’t. “Yeah, Steve’s going to take me home. I have an early morning tomorrow and I’ve already had a bit too much wine.” Bucky didn’t argue, nodding with a tight lipped smile.
Perhaps his indifference is what made you hurt even more. He didn’t care about anything, not even you with you so closely tangled with Steve. It didn’t have an effect on him because the woman sitting by his side, draped over him held more value than you ever could.
“You sure? I can make sure you get home safely.” Bucky pleaded, but before you could respond Steve did.
“I got it, Buck. I’ll make sure she gets home.” He looked like he wanted to say more but he decided to stay silent as he watched you walk out the door with Steve, hand and hand.
The drive home in the Uber was silent, Steve didn’t say a word, just the weight of his arm holding you close. He took note of how you refused to look at anything but the luminescence of the New York’s city lights captivating your vision.
Even if it hurt Bucky only chose you whenever Natasha wasn’t around you couldn’t help but focus on how hot and heated your body felt with Steve so close to you. Holding you so tightly like he was afraid you would let go.
Perhaps it was a bit shady of you to drape yourself over his childhood best friend whenever he rejected you, but now you were finding yourself finding solace in Steve in everything, like you used to with Bucky. He had become this safe place for you, where you wouldn’t be shamed for how you felt or what you were going through.
Even if he knew how much you were hurting from your own obliviousness to Bucky’s behavior, he always let you find solace in his strong, comforting arms. Always sturdy enough to hold the weight of your hurt and what he was carrying too. Just like tonight.
“He’s never going to love me the way I want him to — like the way he loves her.” It wasn’t a question any longer, it was a stone cold fact. Something you’d tried to ignore over the past year, especially.
Not wanting anything in this moment but him, you laid your head on his chest, his steady heartbeat giving you a sense of peace in the aftermath of your heartbreak. The crisp material of the white button up he was wearing shifted from the weight of you, he didn’t really mind.
“I think it’s time for me to let go of this image I have of him, one he can never live up to and accept him for who he is and where he’s at right now.” Steve nodded, still not saying a word, slipping farther and farther away from you as he let his thoughts consume him entirely.
It’d been happening a lot more lately. This. The close, excruciating intimacy between Steve and the woman he was in love with.
Over the past few months, anytime you were upset about something, you would show up at his doorsteps crashing into him as you wept. Always wanting to be close to him, snuggled up to his side, bleeding your heart out to him, something you hadn’t done with anyone.
Not even Bucky.
Then there was the one kiss on New Years’ Eve a few weeks ago which stayed imprinted on the forefront of his mind. He remembered when he woke up the following morning, he was holding you to his chest, the both of you bodies laced with one another.
He got up before you were there to consciously witness it, but it was all he thought about weeks after. Being that close awoke the need to be near you. It was already there, but now he knew how it felt to hold you in the comfort of his own bed.
It nearly killed him when you woke up, making your way down the stairs from his bedroom, wearing nothing but his boxers and the shirt he wore last night. Steve wasn’t drunk enough to completely forget the whole night, nothing had happened in his room last night. Seeing you, in here, in his apartment, made him think what his life could possibly be like with you here.
If he was ever to be so lucky.
As of yesterday, when you told him Bucky finally wanted to move forward with you, it broke him. Even if he kept his true feelings hidden, he felt you crush his heart with one fatale squeeze. Any particular hope he once had, was diminished into a fantasy far from reality.
The both of you were Steve’s best friends — he had to be happy for you.
Then, Natasha came to town. Storming through Bucky’s heart just like she’s always done. When Steve invited you to the dinner his best friend was trying to keep you from, he knew it could possibly be the last fatale blow to whatever string your relationship with Buck was. Maybe his, too.
Steve knew going after you could mean losing his really good friend, but he simply couldn’t stop himself. Not when you were a pure goddess ascending from above in all of your glory, capturing his heart in every single glance you threw his way. At this point, he didn’t care what it’d cost him.
As long as he had you, it would be worth it.
When the car pulled up to your street, you let your hand glide down his chest, resting on his lower abdomen. Not missing the way his body trembled under your touch, the thin material of his shirt doing nothing to protect him from you — not that he wanted to be anywhere but here.
As soon as those sinful words left your mouth, he knew he was done for.
Perhaps, if the both of you hadn’t been tipsy of the bottle of wine you shared, you wouldn’t feel the urge to invite him up, but he smelled too good and acted too perfect for any other consideration.
“Do you want to come inside, Stevie?” You purred watching the gears switch in his mind. Contemplating if he really should go through with it. Now that it was within his reach, he was becoming hesitant to grab it. You were drunk, he was drunk. Hence the uber and the both of your cars left behind in Tony and Pepper’s driveway.
“I don’t think it’s the best idea for me to go up there, bubs.” Instantly, you pouted. A deep frown etched on your beautiful face. “Why not? I think it would be a wonderful thing. Don’t you?” With one swift movement, you were cupping his crotch, making your intentions more than clear.
The grunt leaving Steve’s mouth was animalistic as he tried to exercise the very little restraint he was holding onto. It seemed to become increasingly difficult as you refused to move your hand away.
“I need you to take care of me and I’ll take care of you.” Finally releasing your grip on him, you exited out of the car and you didn’t have to look back to know he was falling you into the lobby of your apartment building.
After a silent elevator ride, with you tucked into his side you made the walk down the narrow hallway into your home, fidgeting to open the door with Steve’s hands caressing your sides. Carefully watching as you kicked off the painful heels, the bottom of your feet thankful, pulling you deeper into the apartment.
“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.” You retreated, afraid someone else might turn you down, too. If Steve did, you wouldn’t be able to handle it. He’s been your person you can count on and now you couldn’t imagine your life without him.
Stopping your movement once you reached your bedroom, you were still waiting for his response. Meticulously, he reached for hand before twirling you around your back pressed against his front. Sighing, when his hand dragged up your spine, while the other hung on your waist with his hand pressed against your stomach.
Pushing the thin strap of your velvet dress, letting it fall off your shoulder. Soft, firm lips touching your soft skin, you couldn’t help but lean back into him. Tilting your head back, offering yourself up to him on a silver platter.
His touch felt like heaven and you didn’t think you’d ever want him to leave. Not when you always felt safe wrapped up in his large muscular arms. Never making you question if you felt wanted.
“Right now, my body wants you as badly as it ever has.” Steve confessed while his lips migrated towards your neck, giving you some much needed attention.
“Does it?” You questioned him, losing any other train of thought as let his other hand push the other strap off your shoulder, the slinky dress falling to floor pooling at your feet.
“It does, sweetheart, but it’ll have to wait.” Already pouting like the brat you were, ready to seduce him right into filling you up, just like you brought him here tonight for.
Dropping down to your level, Steve whispers in your ear, “Because when I fuck you just the way your pussy is aching for it won’t be when you’re drunk, princess.” Throwing gasoline on the fire he created, sharply he bit your earlobe, making you moan.
“I’ve thought about this so much, princess. At first, I thought I would take you from behind, but then I wouldn’t see those begging, doe-eyes itching for a release.” You were trembling for him. His filthy words flooding straight to your slick, crying for him already.
“Maybe you’d want to ride me, huh? Do you want to fuck yourself on my fat cock?” At this point, if it was anyone else, you’d be embarrassed if he found out just how wet you were. Your panties are completely ruined because of him.
“I want to ride you so bad, Stevie.” Maliciously, he laughed before giving your clothed pussy a rough slap, causing you to gasp out. Your nails digging themselves into his bicep as you reached for it.
“Well, if you had been a good girl, maybe I’d let you cum on my cock.” You turned around face to face, ready to bruise your knees for him in a heartbeat. In this space and time, you’ve never wanted anyone more.
Harshly, he gripped your chin as his thumb smoothed over your bottom lip, dragging it down so it plumped right back up. “Bucky will be here tomorrow morning, if not tonight. I took his precious little play thing home and he’s not gonna like that one bit.”
“He wants to have his cake and eat it, too. If you want to let him, by all means go right ahead. And if you don’t? You know where I live, princess.” Very much in contrast to the last few minutes, he sweetly kissed your cheek and headed out right back the door without so much as a second glance.
notes: howdy guys, it's been a while. i've been taking a break and finally starting writing again, yay. it's been a rough few months and still treading through it, but i hope you enjoy a piece of my heart with this one.
if it's any consolation, my heart broke while writing this. </3
pairing — boxer!steve rogers x fem!reader
concept — steve has to come with terms of you not wanting him just as much as he wants you.
wc — 6.7k+ [yeah...]
warnings: 18+, themes alluding to sex, emotional cheating, soft!steve, heartbreak, kind of unrequited vibe going on, over all ✨ angst ✨
Even if it was the thousandth time to watch his body move in the ring, you still were memorized by the way he moved. You were in complete admiration of how his hips flowed so fluidly through his punches. Just like always, he was aware of your presence as you stood next to Sam and Wanda, both of them with proud smiles on their faces as he defeated yet another opponent.
Watching as they raised his arm, declaring him as the champion, something he’d been striving so intensely for, the past few months. Even if his body was bruised and littered with the hits Rumlow had been able to mark his body with and not to mention the busted lip, making him taste the blood with nearly every swallow.
It didn’t matter because he had followed through with what he had set his mind out to do. The looks Rumlow was giving him after all the smack talk he had served him was satisfying enough. Even if he didn’t think you did, he saw you standing there alongside his friends, celebrating the win of his life.
He couldn’t but smile proudly at your presence, even if the disapproval you have against his lifestyle was well known between the two of you and everyone else in your friend group.
Steve knew you weren’t a fan of the injuries you brought home in your shared apartment, the nights you actually stayed there. With Jordan’s absence from New York, you’d been staying there more consistently than ever.
He would never admit it out right, but it made his heart full. With you home, he could protect and he worried wherever you weren’t there. Even if he knew you were fully capable of defending yourself if need be, it would always make him feel better when you were close to him.
Just like him, you could confess it even to yourself, but when you were back in the apartment you shared with Steve, you’d always felt safer.
He went straight to the locker room, to clean himself up as best as he could without making his friends and Tony wait too long. He’d usually go straight to them but the group took notice he held himself back when you were around.
The first match you went to and he came up with bruises running along both rib cages, a bloody nose accompanied by a busted lip, he immediately took notice of the way you cowered away from him. Barely even looking at him as you congratulated him. From then on out, he realized how much it bothered you to see him physically injured.
When you’d come, he’d always make sure to clean himself up before. It really worked out on the days he didn’t want to be around many people. Only the stragglers from the crowd would be left, and his friends who supported him nearly every time.
As soon as he made his way over to the group, he was met with Sam’s warm smile pulling him into a warm hug. You found yourself wincing as soon as Steve did. “Easy there big buy, bruises are still fresh.” Sam let up just a tad, before everyone was congratulating him. You stood back with Tony, watching the proud smile grow on his face as he watched his prodigy surpass his monumental goal.
“You should think about coming to more matches. He fights better when you’re here watching him.” You twisted your neck so you could see his coach more clearly who was standing right beside you. “I’m sure he plays just as well when I’m not here. I still watch them everytime, just from home when it’s too much for me to stomach.”
You looked forward away from Tony, Steve coming into your line of vision as Sharon, his ex who had surprisingly shown up to corral by his side, someone you’d hadn’t seen near him in the past few weeks since she’d been out of the country for work.
“His technique and endurance is the same, but his intensity always rises higher when you’re here. I’m not the only one who notices, maybe the only one bold enough to say it to you.” Tony spoke as watched the man he took in when Steve was just sixteen.
Truly, it made his heart swell with pride to see him reach the level of success he had been dreaming for him since the pair had met. Knowing Steve for the past five years, also made him hyper aware of the girl he never seemed to shut up about, not that you’d ever find out.
No matter how much Tony was dying to let the words slip off his tongue.
“I’m just happy to be here for him.” Keeping your words short as you watched Sharon move closer to him, her hand resting on his chest and he didn’t even move away from it. You tried to ignore the ugly shade of green rising in your chest, but with him it always seemed to show.
Not that you’d had a right to, you weren’t single or emotionally available by any means, but the thought of him being with someone who had hurt him so much made you more protective of him than you had a right to be.
“C’mon little dove, have you thought about why you’d rather stay in the dinged up apartment with Steve than be with your boyfriend of three years across the country?” He pressed harder, making sure you were careful of your response. “My friends are here and so is my family. I can’t just leave everyone I love behind.” Your gaze never left Steve’s as he finally was out of Sharon’s grip.
“Steve’s here, too. You sure it has nothing to do with him?” Part of you couldn’t stand there with Tony and lie to him because you weren’t sure what was the nature of your relationship with the boxer.
Thankfully, you were saved from responding by the devil himself as made his way over to the two of you. Much to your dismay, he had to get in a few more words before Steve was in earshot. “Just think about why Steve lives with you when he’s had more than enough to move out for a while now.”
Before you could even process the words leaving his mouth, your favorite man in the ring immediately has you wrapped up in his arms. Holding you so close and so tightly, not even caring if it put more pressure on his lungs than he wished.
“Congrats on the win, Champion. I’m so proud of you.” The arms you had around him were placed gently, too afraid to put any weight on the new bruises. Not to mention the old ones which were still healing.
Once he pulled away from you, just enough so you could look at him. He hummed at Tony and with one nod of his head he knew when the young boxer wanted to be left alone. More times than not, it is usually with you.
“I thought you weren’t coming tonight. Isn’t Jordan in town?” Not even when it was the biggest moment of his career thus far did he care to indulge in his victories. Always it seemed to be looking after you.
“Stevie, this is your night. We don’t have to talk about me — we’re always talking about me.” For a moment he almost bought your act until he looked into those dazzling eyes of yours, ones he never seemed to grow tired of in the past few years.
“I’m not happy unless you’re happy. So, if you need a night where we just watch romcoms and chow on cookie dough ice cream, you know I’m all yours.” Unknowing to the two of you, everyone of your friends was watching the encounter and still couldn’t believe you still were with your current boyfriend.
Or that Steve was just waiting for you patiently. Something that didn’t come easy for him around women. Before you, he didn’t really do relationships with women that didn’t end with him in their bed at some point. Somehow, much to everyone’s dismay, he managed to keep his interactions platonic with you.
At least in their eyes.
“No, Stevie. I’m fine. He just didn’t follow through this time. It’s not the end of the world, I’ll be fine. Tonight, I just wanna be by your side and celebrate you.” Although, he didn’t really believe you Steve decided he would let it go.
“Regardless of it, thank you for coming tonight. Means the world to me.” It really did. Even more so, when he felt like he was one of the reasons you were still in Brooklyn and not in California living with your boyfriend instead.
“Oh, hush bubba. You’re getting so soft on me and you haven’t even had a proper drink in you yet. Let’s just celebrate with our friends, yeah?” You kissed his cheek sweetly, before you were off to Bucky and Nat’s place to get properly fed and surely get Steve drunk off his ass.
It really was the elephant in the room you were choosing to ignore. The fluttering feeling of adventurous butterflies traveling to spaces you didn’t know existed. Everytime he pulled you close to his side or kissed your temple.
When Bucky would do something monumentally stupid, he would whisper a line in your ear humorous enough to hear you laugh. Even right now, when you knew he was exhausted, muscles sore and aching — Steve was still tending to whatever you needed.
In this moment, your body nestled between his legs as he draped his arm across your chest, letting him hold you close was exactly what you needed. Even if you tried to remove yourself several times because of the new injuries, he would never let you.
“What’s next, Rogers?” Steve watched as he craned his neck towards Sharon. You’d almost forgotten she was here, she’d been so quiet most of the night.
“A whole lot of rest and then in a few weeks, right back into training.” He spoke with pride because winning the title went hand and hand with defending it. “You should come to the club. Danielle’s been itching to see you, again.”
Steve grimaced, not just as Sharon’s words, but with how stiff your body became. The way you rubbed back and forth with the tip of your fingers against his forearm came to a halt.
You weren’t really sure what to do because now you felt horrible for even feeling like you had a right to be upset in the first place. Because you didn’t. You weren’t single and Steve was. In this space in time, he did nothing wrong.
When you followed Nat back into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine, away from him, it felt like he had made a mistake.
Just watching as you followed Nat up the pathway, in your pretty green dress, as you messed with the necklace adoring your neck. Something he learned you did when you were anxious.
“Why would you bring that up now? In front of her?” He was slightly pissed off she had driven you away and out of his arms. Steve would have you within his grip constantly if you would let him. Not that you did, but it was still a certain something he found himself wishing for. More than not though, someone else always seemed to hold your attention whenever he wasn’t in the ring.
Jordan. Tony. Sam. Natasha. Bucky. Wanda.
Tonight had seemed it might go in a different direction, until Sharon steered your mind elsewhere. One where you were a girl who missed her boyfriend. Or at least that’s what he thought.
Unknowingly to Steve, Jordan was the last thing on your mind, which allowed the guilt to settle in. Maybe, just this one time it was rightfully placed. The thoughts you were having scared you senseless — making you want to do something you knew you shouldn’t.
You just sat there on the padded bar tool as Nat grabbed a bottle of white with a bottle of red. Like time and time again, Nat read your mind just as she often did. “So, why couldn’t he come this time?” She drilled into you, her iridescent daggers as piercing as ever.
“He said he forgot his mother asked him to help her move out of the house. He said he’d make it up to me some other time.” Just like always.
But you held your tongue before voicing it to anyone other than yourself. It’d been months since you’d seen him in the flesh, and it was the first time he spoke to you in days when he informed you he’d been unable to spend any of his time off with you.
“He’s just never here and he keeps asking for me to move to Los Angeles, but my whole life is here. Before, he never seemed to really pressure me. He was always patient with me to travel at my own pace but I think he ultimately thought I would eventually go there with him.” You breathed out, scared of the truth dripping right out of you.
“I just-, you know what? Nevermind. It’s isn’t important.” She was never one to bite her tongue, but she found herself trying to when your feelings were involved.
“Tell me. What is it?” Your curious, bambi eyes peering into your soul, dying to pull the confession right out of her.
“Do you even miss him when you’re apart for so long? I’m not judging but it just seems like you’re okay. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but why don’t you ever go to him or Jordan to you?” Natasha spoke softly, afraid she might be poking the bear just a bit.
“Of course I miss him. I would see him if I could. I’m just a little too busy right now with work and my family.” You attacked back, feeling the need to defend yourself.
“Are you really going to make me say it?” With both bottles of wine on the counter, she went to grab three more wine glasses — for Sharon, herself, and you.
“Say what? What the hell are you talking about?” You pushed her as she put out the bottles of wine as she managed to link the three vines of the glasses in her left fingertips. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have said anything.” She was regretting it now, because maybe you weren’t quite ready to hear the words everyone else knew to be true. Anyone who was around the two of you could see it.
Perhaps, Nat never spoke a word of it because at the very least, she thought you wouldn’t be as naive to see his feelings. The ones he seemed to offer you on a silver platter, whether you wanted to reject or accept the offering, giving it to you wholeheartedly.
Following her out the patio door where the two of you stopped, not moving a step further. She didn’t really say anything either. Letting you bask in the glow before the fall.
He was laughing so hard, his hand clutching his chest as him. Golden hair shining bright by the fire pit, almost as
lively as his smile. Even if it looked like his spirit could have been beaten out of him tonight, he’d never show it.
When he had trouble keeping his eyes open, he’d force himself to stay alert because moments he could spend with ones he loved seemed too precious to pass up. Especially over the past few months — he didn’t even have to think twice about it.
Through the schedule Tony had him on, his life was eating, breathing, living boxing. Training every day in the gym, whether it be furthering his techniques in the gym to Tony making him regret any mistake he made in the ring.
Even some days he was just weight training when Tony told him he could rest. He couldn’t though. Not when he could taste the sweetness of his dreams on the tip of his tongues.
Every day, dawn till dusk, training consumed every moment of his time. Steve thought his body was restless before, but now? Nothing came even close to this.
Leading Steve to be blissfully unaware of what was actually going in that fantastically bold head of yours.
“Just spill it, Romanov.” You pressured her, but your eyes were too weak to redirect your directions elsewhere. Only Steve holding your attention at one.
“Remember when Steve left for Spain for three months with Tony?” Your body stilled, having a feeling you knew where this was going. Regretting you told her what had happened with Steve in the first after promising him it would just stay between the two of you.
“It was the year Jordan and I had split for two months.” The memory of what happened always clouding your better judgement. The way his eyes shined still haunted you. “Steve had already been there a month when it happened and the second I told him he insisted on flying me out.”
Looking at him fondly, across the greenery before speaking so softly as if he was right next to you, “I could never say no to him. I still can’t.” Nat tried to ignore it but she could see through the fog of your first love fading even if you were trying your hardest to avoid the inevitable heartache.
The care you held for him was oozing out of you, bursting and breaking at the seams. When you kept thinking of him more than a roommate, more than a friend.
“Dove, you can’t just keep pretending your feelings don’t exist. The more you try to bury the root deep the more it will grow.” You knew she was right, but you really didn’t want to hurt anyone.
You supposed you were already causing pain unintentionally. “His biggest insecurity is him. Jordan thinks I’m still here because of him.” You confessed, the ongoing fight no secret to anyone, really.
“Aren’t you?” Maybe if you had been a better liar, you could’ve convinced her but everyone could read you like the back of your own hand.
You hated the spotlight she was putting on you, but even more so because she was right. Moving forward with Jordan meant leaving someone else behind, something you couldn’t seem to prepare yourself to do.
“I love Jordan. He’s my first love and I thought he would be the greatest one, too.” You really want to stop the love and admiration flowing out of you, but you couldn’t choose who you love and maybe it was time for you to stop fighting it.
“Then, I met Steve. He responded to the ad I put out for the spare room in my apartment and we met for coffee.” If you had listened to your mother, her wishes of you not to be in the company of a man who was a complete stranger, you’d never meet the most important person in your life.
“He looked more like a boy back then. Clean shaven. No beard. Steve was still muscular, but not nearly as toned as he is now. But his eyes? They pulled me right in. Still do, every damn time.” You should have held some sort of shame, but you didn’t.
“You should do something about it, Dove. He isn’t going to be single forever.” Nat questioned as you followed her lead, back to the roaring fire.
“Nat, I love Jordan. I could never do that to him.” You really couldn’t, but you also couldn’t find it in you to move with him either. “I know you love him, but you aren’t in love anymore.” Growing closer and closer, back to the group, you saw him clearly.
“What do you mean?” Trying to ignore the pain in your chest as Natasha spoke. “I think you’re scared of ending it with Jordan. Dove. I’ve known you for a long time now and I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you do with Steve.”
The words spilling out of her lips left you a little broken — the truth spearing you through. She wasn’t wrong, not one bit. Nat never nearly was, especially when your feelings were involved. Steve had become such an enigma to you in the past year.
The line of platonic friendship and overflowing emotional intimacy was becoming too entangled for you to even comprehend.
“Just think about it. I just want you to be happy.” The rest of the night, it’s all you could think about. A few days passed and it was still in the forefront of your mind.
When Steve was walking home with you this week, you couldn’t stop wondering all the hypotheticals swarming inside your dreams.
He could tell, too.
You’d never been so quiet, not ever. He’d like to hear you, especially when you were drunk. Like you seemed to be now, at least to him but tequila that lit a fire in your chest a few hours ago was beginning to wear off. Just when the feelings you kept trying to avoid would seep there way back in like your furry, fat cat Thor when he wormed his body through the gate into the apartment.
“What’s wrong? You’ve seemed off this week.” You felt his hand kiss yours, but he didn’t bother to find it’s home. He’d been keeping his distance or at least been trying to. You'd been so vulnerable lately and the last thing he wanted to do was exploit that.
Ever since Sharon had made a comment about Danielle, and you escaped with Nat, something changed. You more guarded around him, more than you'd ever been since you met.
Steve knew there was a reason for it, but he didn't want to push you — not when it looked like you would combust into a breakdown at any given moment.
“I’ve just been thinking about where my life is going and where I want it to go.” You confessed, letting your words linger. “Jordan wants me to move with him to California and I’m running out of reasons to say no.” In perfect harmony, your eyes met his at the same time.
They weren’t joyful what his bright blues usually possess, but this time they were indifferent. Not even you could read them.
“Do you want to move there with him?” Steve asked you, his heart on the verge of dropping into his stomach. “If it will make you happy, you should.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, you watched him drift away from you.
“I don’t know. It might.” Both of you coming to a halt, walking up to the apartment the two of you shared.
“He’s insecure about you. It’s why he’s pressuring me.” The two of your bodies so close but so far away as you stood in the doorway. With a confusing gaze and pouty lips, practically guiding you into temptation.
“He used to always tell me you were in love with me. He was fully convinced, still is. I never thought so. You were just my best friend, that was it. I just never really thought about it unless Jordan brought it up.” You would have loved to blame your sudden outburst on the alcohol, but it was something you'd been dying to do.
Before you never had the guts, but you a felt a pull towards Steve lately, like maybe there was something more trying to burst under the seams.
“I thought Tony was bullshitting me, fucking with me, but I didn’t ever give it a thought. Then, Nat brought up Spain.” Nights you told yourself were a mistake, but deep down it was the probably the safest you felt in a long time.
“What are you talking about? What did Tony say?” Fetching for the key, he slid it in before opening the door for you and following you inside. “Steve, why do you still live here?” Blushing cheeks and a string of incoherent words was all you could make out from him.
As he headed for the small couch, trying to make up an excuse good enough. One which you’d actually believe, he hoped.
“You make four times as much as me, if not more. For some reason, you’ve decided to stay in this shithole apartment — it doesn’t make sense.” He wished you would make sense of it, that way he didn’t have to say a word.
“Do you want me to move out?” He questioned, watching your movements. If you wanted him to move out, he wouldn’t hesitate to do so.
It was the last thing you wanted, but the line between your friendship with him was always blurred. Only now, when it was vaguely pointed out by the two people close to the both of you — it became more apparent than ever.
“No, I just, I guess I’m asking why. You know you’re more than welcome to stay here as long as you’d like, but this place is a dump, Steve. Why on earth would you wanna stay here?” When he looked up, where you stood above him having a hard time biting his tongue.
Because you’re here.
It’s what he wanted to say, but he didn’t have the right and he would just be an asshole if he put you in a compromising position. He already felt guilty enough with his feelings in the first place, he didn't need to pile on.
“I guess it’s just easier to stay. It’s so close to the ring and I’m maybe a tad too comfortable.” You sat next to him on the couch. Finding yourself trapped in the green of his eyes. “Don’t you want something better?” Maybe it was him or maybe it was you. Neither of you could tell.
The two of you inched closer until Steve was caressing your thigh, just with the tip of his thumb. “I’m more than happy with where I’m at.”
“Well, I’m asking because I need to go to California. Just for a bit. I need to see Jordan, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen him.” He didn’t stop touching, not even with the mention of his name.
Even if it pierced him every time you talked about him. Or when Jordan came to town, he felt like he didn’t exist to you.
He didn’t blame you, not at all. Jordan was your highschool sweetheart, and you wanted so badly for it to work but something was holding you back. Something you were trying to let go of.
“He loves me so much and wants to start building this whole new life, but how am I supposed to tell him?” Steve said nothing, letting you sink into the ground.
“He’s been nothing, but kind and loving. Always there, always supportive. The best partner I could have asked for.” Steve laced your hand in his like it was the most natural thing in the world, making butterflies erupt at full speed.
You couldn’t really pinpoint a moment when he started, but all you knew is how safe his warm, calloused hands made you feel. Since the moment you met, never failing to comfort you when needed.
“Then what’s the problem, Dove?” Steve questioned you, untangling his body from yours.
If he was going to help you, he needed to think and being so close to you wouldn’t get himself where you needed. Above all, you didn’t make any easier when a small whine left your throat — tugging at his heart strings.
“We never talk about what happened in Barcelona.” You watched his body tighten, muscles in his arm constricting.
It made him feel just as uneasy as it did to you. At least you could find comfort in that.
“Dove, there’s a reason for it. You and I both know it.” Steve was right. His self righteous sense of nature always kicked in when you wanted it the least.
“You don’t think about it? Because I do.” Pushing weight on his heart, you were very aware you held. You weren’t too naive to know just how much he cared for you, but coward enough to try and make him admit it first.
“You were broken up, things are different now. We’re home where you have a boyfriend and I have boxing.”
“Yes, where I have a boyfriend who wants me to abandon everything I hold close to me to join him without even bothering to ask me what I want.” You puffed out, exhaustion coming in overflow. “The past year, he hasn’t once asked me what I want.”
The boy with golden locks found himself wanting nothing more than to hold you in his arms, nurse you back to health with all the love he could offer.
But even he knew he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t keep on spreading himself thin over a woman who was so conflicted, so distraught she was collapsing within herself. If he wasn’t too careful, he might fall right beside you.
“Before we got back together, he asked me.” You confessed, feeling better as soon as the secret flew from your mouth. “He asked you what?” Steve pressed on, a bit terrified of it truly, but even he had to know.
“He asked if anything happened between us the months I was there and I lied. Ever since we met, he’s been insecure. He thinks I’m going to leave you for him and it wasn’t the first time he asked either.” You wish you hadn’t dealt with the two of them so poorly, but with the expression on Steve’s face you knew you had.
“He knows I lied and it hurts even more he stayed with me anyways.” Steve didn’t move, his fear keeping him still.
“I don’t know how to be his after you, but I don’t know how to let go of my high school sweetheart either.” You felt trapped, in between an impossible decision. An old love, who loves you past your mistakes, past the hurt and a soulful heart admiring you from where you’re at and nothing less.
“Those nights don’t have to mean anything if you don’t want them to.” He spoke softly, his beautiful orbs catching yours in the moonlight peeking through the window.
“They mean too much to me, that’s the problem.” If he didn’t move as you inched closer to his body, planting yourself in front of him, you could tell he was straining himself.
“Do you remember the first time?” He looked confused, wondering if you truly were bold enough to speak of something you shouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Your hand found his chest, feeling the pulse of his rapid heart beat. “I was so shy and timid the first time with you, but you guided me so well.” Too fond of the memory of him worshipping every part of your body.
The very thing he wanted to do since the moment he met you, but Steve wanted more than that. Now more than ever.
“You don’t have to remind me, Dove. I remember.” He swallowed deeply, trying to erase the permanent memory of your body writhing beneath him, moaning out his name, begging him for more.
He still found himself thinking about it. Those two months with you had just amplified what he felt even more because now he knew what it was like for you to wake up in his arms, bare skin against his own.
The way you curled into his chest, your arms wrapped around his waist for optimal comfort.
Or when he’d wake up before you, which was most days, he’d find you murmuring his name in your sleep while soft fingertips caressed your skin lulling you into a more peaceful slumber.
“I never forget, Dove. That’s the problem.” With one finger, he pushed back the hair falling in your face tucking it behind your ear. “I tried to move past it, I went on a couple dates with this woman, Danielle.” You already felt your heart clench at the thought of him with someone else.
“She’s kind, smart, and beautiful and she seems to like me. Sharon keeps bugging me to take her out again since she set the two of us up.” Steve was trying to talk calmly, but he couldn’t ground himself. Especially when you only seemed to pull back further from him.
It was weird that Sharon set the pair up, considering she dated Steve not too long ago but it seemed she could put her feelings inside if it was for your despair.
In her daunting eyes, you were the reason her and the promising boxer broke up in the first place. As cliche as it was, she offered Steve an ultimatum after six months of dating — her or you.
Steve picked you.
It wasn’t like he loved her at that point. He did care for her, but you just meant too much to him. When kind, iridescent eyes met his own for the first time Steve never was able to stop thinking about them. Or you for that matter.
Carefully calculated as Steve could be, he managed to trap you between the closed door of his bedroom and his toned body.
“But I want to hear you say something before I do.” His gaze never faltered for a moment as he played with the hem of the short slip dress adoring your taut figure.
Half of your mind was begging you to retreat into your room and forget the last time you’d been pressed up against him like this. The other half wanted to see what he would do once he knew you were in the palm of his hand once again.
You had a feeling he already did.
His beard was grown out and his silky, golden hair that almost reached his shoulders make him look even more deliciously sinful.
“What’s that?” You tried not to gulp loudly, but if you even made the slightest movement, he would notice. “Tell me you’re in love with him.” His soft thumb caressing your side, not sure if he was trying to soothe himself or you.
“Just tell me five years down the line, you see him right there with you. Just say it, so I can move on.” He couldn’t even look at you, he couldn’t take the inevitable. “Tell me we’re just friends and Jordan’s your future.” You met his eyes, the prettiest blues you’ll ever see.
Commanding your attention without even trying — every damn time. You weren’t sure what you wanted, but you knew seeing him hurt was chipping a piece of you away. Watching his arched eyebrows furrowed in distress, fine lines being made in the middle for proof.
Soft fingertips met his skin, smoothing out his furrowed brows, closing his eyes trying to remember what you smelled like. Just like Sharon reached her breaking point, he had too. Steve couldn’t watch you any longer without being the one you wanted without a doubt.
“Stevie.” You softly whisper, before pulling him into your arms.
Even if he was double your size, he let you hold him as best as you could. Comfort him even if you were the reason he’s breaking.
The strong, persistent boxer had been transported back to the sick and thin kid he once was before all the guns and glory came. Steve was right back to where he got rejected by anyone and everyone. A time and many places where no one gave a damn about Steve Rogers, not anyone he wished for.
You watched him untangle himself from you, but you weren’t sure just how much time had passed. A few minutes? Thirty? An hour?
Only time could tell and she wasn’t really on your side at the moment.
“I’ve only found love once. Back in high school, there was this girl, Hazel. She was kind, sweet, eyes that shined like fresh honey. The first person to ever show any interest in me and I was in love with the fact that someone actually wanted me.” Steve felt his heart clench at the memory he wished to forget.
“I truly believed I loved her with every fiber in me and I thought she cared about me too, until I realized she was just using me to get to Bucky.” You watched the distress wash over him again and you wanted nothing more than to make him feel appreciated and loved. Not rejected and forgotten.
“It broke my heart for months because I truly believed I was in love with this girl who I hardly knew.” He sighed deeply, like he somehow already was aware of the soft whisper of goodbye.
“It always kind of stayed with me, not ever feeling like I was good enough for anyone until Tony found me. Graduated high school and I started training dawn till dusk until I couldn’t anymore just to start all over and do it the next day.” He was looking everywhere but you. Even if there was not a thing in this damn hallway, but two pressured hearts.
“Not too long after, I met you and I remember thinking this is the most extraordinary woman I’ve ever met in my life.” Now, feeling like an absolute dick because you truly didn't deserve for this wonderful man to be in your life.
“You were so kind to me and you had no reason to be, but I learned it’s just who you are. This amazingly bright full beam, shining their light on everyone else — not paying attention to how much they give even if it’s everything they have.” Your skin felt hot beyond comparison, the passion in the words he spoke deeper than the memory of his skin against your own.
“I always tried to ignore it, how stupidly kind and thoughtful you are. How much you take care of me when you don’t have to. You cleaned my wounds for months without even asking me what I was doing.”
“I already knew you had a boyfriend, one you love very much, but I couldn’t stop myself from being around you. Now, I have to leave. I need to move on for me because I know how this ends for me — how it always has.” He sighed before walking away, leaving you hanging in every conceivable way. You didn’t notice the suitcase by the door before. Until he was walking out of the apartment with his possessions in hand — out of sight and out of mind.
“Wait!” He was already making it to his car, the old beat up pickup truck he couldn’t seem to get rid of when you reached him. “I just need time, Steve.” You’d been sprinting after him, until you caught up to him, making his attention fully focused on you.
“Jordan’s the only boyfriend I’ve ever had — I don’t know how to let him go.” You were crying because maybe, deep down you were hoping you could have your cake and eat it too.
“And you’re the only person I’ve ever been in love with, Dove. I can’t keep sticking around hoping you’ll wake up one day and feel the same.” He emptied his belongings in his truck before returning his attention towards you.
“Steve, don’t do this. Please. Don’t leave me.” You’d become so dependent on him, more than you realized. “You’re the only person who truly loves me and not for who they want me to be.” Trying to plead with him, but it felt like you were only pushing him even further away.
“Then tell me I’m the only one you want.” But all he was left with silence because you couldn’t and he already knew what you didn’t. He knew you hated change more than anything, that you’d rather stay in what was comfortable even if you were presented with a different option.
Someone you wanted more.
With tears in your eyes, you looked up at him like he was crushing you and there was nothing to stop the numbing feeling. He sympathized, maybe more than he liked to admit, it’s what he chose to live with over the past year. It started the moment he met you if he was truly being honest.
He knew there was nothing left for him, no matter how much his heart clenched at the sound of your cries. He couldn’t be the one who was always taking care of you, loving you, when you didn’t feel what he felt. It was splitting him open, and you just kept taking pieces of him away — parts of him you would hold forever.
He let you cling onto him one more time, begging for him not to leave you. He let you believe he wouldn’t as he calmed you back in a false sense of security. Until you were asleep in his soft sheets later that night, leaving you lonely in the home you’d been sharing.
With only half of his belongings with him, he pulled up to the project he had just completed. Even now, with not a single hope you would ever see it after he just abandoned you, there was still a light hope you’d be able to at least see it one day. If Steve was ever strong enough to face his heartbreak again.
