Separation anxiety to the point of full breakdowns, only because I have to go to work while she stays home. What's wrong with me?

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@justafuckingdisaster
Separation anxiety to the point of full breakdowns, only because I have to go to work while she stays home. What's wrong with me?
Not really alone, but I feel completely lonely.
How long will it take me to fuck this up? A week? A month? A year? Does it matter If it happens anyway?
The feminine urge to slam your head against the desk untill blood is all over it
Okay it's starting. And honestly yikes.
Lately the loneliness has been crushing. I crave touch, I crave closeness. It hurts. It hurts so much.
I hate society. I am getting mocked or insulted every time I go out. What makes me most upset is that mostly it's teens who do that. Oh and obviously it's always men. Always.
Fuck it, we ball *proceeds to burn the bridge*
What could be more fun for a person than making me feel like they care about me, just to shortly after show that they don't AT FUCKING ALL?
I cry all the time. I have urges to sh and to use again. I doubt my self worth. I spend every second of every day in pure suffering. But they are worth it and things will change eventually, right?
I hate the evil cult (my parents) who put a curse on me (bpd)
How bad does it have to get for them to notice it? I don't know what to do anymore, I need support and my closest friend seems distant, it fucking hurts.
"I am okay, don't worry" *proceeds to cry all weekend, barely eating or getting up from bed, has an episode*
Why did I do it again? Why do I always fall for people that cause me harm intentionally or not? Am I fucking stupid? What the fuck is wrong with me?
The grass is green, the sky is blue on a sunny day and I am unwanted and unlovable and that is just the way how nature works