Just Thoughts

The things I think about. Some are my stories, some are others', and some are just...words. -MM

[justallmythoughts]

[justallmythoughts]

Younger me would've run right back to you to seek clarity/ to try and change your mind, but the me who exists in the present has much more self respect, self compassion, and confidence.

I used to focus so much on how someone else may see me that I neglected to consider my own feelings and needs. Part of what I need is to surround myself with people who value me and build me up. That isn't you right now.

After reflection, the only way I'd be open to being "friends" is if you apologize and tell me what really happened. That's the only way I think I could ever trust you again.

So, the ball is in your court.

[justallmythoughts]

There's More for Me

This last person I liked (L)--it felt like the Universe was pushing us together. I, truly, did not want to associate with them. Every time I tried to keep my distance, it's as though the Universe bitch slapped me and said, "NOT TODAY". For a while, I thought this meant we were destined to be together (after all, past versions of me were constantly being pulled away from people who weren't healthy for me--much to my chagrin back then).

I don't think that anymore.

The reason I struggled for so long to let go of this connection (that literally consisted of 3 dates and 3 awkward shoulder hugs) is that I was so fixated on the idea that we were "destined" to be together that I neglected the facts. The facts (as I see them, anyway) are as follows:

I, a mere human, cannot claim to truly know or understand the reasoning behind different things happening in life.

There were red flags with this person that I chose to overlook. While they weren't deal breakers, they could've become dealbreakers down the line.

I was authentically myself in my interactions with them.

I deserve to be treated with so much more respect than they treated me with when they ended things (especially considering the timeline).

The right person for me would communicate with me--even after 3 dates. They'd talk to me about any concerns or they'd ask questions to clear up misunderstandings. They'd be transparent just like I am with people in my life. They wouldn't leave me in the dark because they'd care about my feelings enough to be honest.

I told them how I felt--that I really liked them and felt a connection, even after one date where things were a little more surface level than usual. So, no matter what the reasons were for their change of heart, if they reflected and realized they made a mistake, then it'd be their responsibility to reach out and communicate that to me. The ball is literally in their court--I've said my piece.

I'm a wonderful partner (a real catch!). I'm passionate about so many different subjects/topics. I'm understanding, empathetic, and a good listener. I'm not afraid to talk about the deep, dark, sad stuff. I'm transparent and communicate well. And, I'm hella fine! I'd say it's their loss that they didn't get to be in a relationship with me. But maybe I just wasn't for them (it's not my fault they have poor taste ;) Sucks to suck!).

All that said, I'm going to do my best to trust that the Universe has something better in store for me. And I'll keep letting go of people and things that no longer align with the life I want and deserve.

[justallmythoughts]

I think the part of me that hopes you'll reach out and explain what happened will always remain.

[averagefairy]

being at work while your personal life is falling apart has to be among the top 3 worst human experiences. You’re at your absolute lowest and someone wants to circle back on an email…… unreal

[justallmythoughts]

Last Sunday, the person I thought was maybe (finally) my person--the one I'd been looking for--threw a curve ball and told me they feel our connection is more of a friendship. I've never been so blindsided.

To You:

How can you tell me you like me on Tuesday and take it back on Sunday? It doesn't make sense to me, and I'm not sure it ever will. I've accepted that I may never know what really happened. I just wish you told me. I feel like people always leave me in the dark.

After I hung up on you, I was betrayed by someone else that night, too. Apparently I'm the only one who didn't realize that my guy best friend is in love with me. I wouldn't have called him, sobbing my eyes out about you, if I knew. He's liked me since 2018, and I've had no clue. I listened to him tell me how hard its been for him--that he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to feel betrayed by another guy "friend". As he spoke, and I continued crying, the world started to feel fake. My emotions turned off. Why am I so easy to fool?

I feel so alone.

[justallmythoughts]

Today, I was talking with someone who lost one of their legs. They told me they've been dreaming a lot and that most of the dreams are bad ones except for a select few.

They elaborated, "Sometimes, in my dreams, I have two legs again. I can run wherever I want".