Its exam week soon; starting Thursday I have exams correlating to what period the class is. On Thursday I have geography which ill likely get enough on for a passing grade in the class overall (50% give or take). Friday I have math which ill try to not even go to since I have absolutely no hope of passing, even if I got 110% on that exam I wont pass math and I doubt id even get 10% on that exam given my complete incompetence in math...
My friend, unicorn, has 1 exam for period 3 but he doesnt take a first period class usually meaning hes not used to waking up at 8 am (the time hed need to wake up to be on time for this exam since its based on days and not periods like normal classes) which means he'll be in bed again by 10 and we wont have a chance to talk alot until much later, if he can even reply online (not a dig, its complicated) and I was hoping we could hangout that day since its basically a free day for me and quarter day for him. (my lunch is period 3, no exam) however he said he'll be too tired and I dont blame him but I still feel really upset, I havent been on the verge of tears because of someone not actively trying to insult me in so long and that worries me. Does that mean my crush has gotten worse? Im not sure if want it to but today I found myself more distracted by his looks and laugh than usual, we were talking about a game he likes and he brought up a smash or pass that we did and I got a little excited everytime he said smash to a character I shared any kind of similarity too and Im further worried I might be semi unintentionally giving him hints at my crush on him; we were talking on the way to his class and he mentioned someone that complimented him earlier and hiw he doesnt get complimented much- he was visibly flustered too it was adorable... but I said multiple times, probably too many times that I think thats weird/crazy and an overexaggerated "really?!" I hope he doesnt pick up on that because I am overly certain he doesnt like me romantically at all and while hes a very emotionally mature person who i dont think would like cut me off or anything for having a crush on him if he found out that would probably change our dynamic right? I dont want us to get any more distant (not that we're particularly distant, hes a very tmi person as am I... obviously you can tell by reading these posts though nobody is and im somewhat glad id be very embarrassed if this somehow blew up which is why I dont tag anything)
I dont want us to get any more distant i want our dynamic to either stay exactly the same or become much closer. I just want to be near him and hold him and feel his hair on my chest or in my arms as I do; I want to be fully engulfed in his presence until I dont have a solid sense of self and only a sense of us I want us both to smell different to smell a bit like eachother to talk a bit like eachother to sit a bit like eachother what do I do with this consuming want.
And the oddest thing with all of this that fully confirms my polygamous romantic feelings is that I still have the crush on B and his Bf, albeit less so but thats more due to them being hours away in collage.
I feel like B has been ducking me a bit and thats been killing me too i really miss him aswell.. I dont know if I gave his bf a pseudonym but we're much better friends now so ill call him E. I played Roblox with E for awhile the other day and that was really nice, I dont think i realised how much I missed both of them till I got on call with him; it was only an hour maybe two but it felt really nice. And then he left. And I was back in a pit. I distracted myself with more roblox.
I think it might be more than a crush on Uni I think I may very well love him, but I dont know how to actually define that in my mind as in I dont know how to put an emotional feeling to the definition I hear people talk about it and I feel like ive been missassigning it with really strong platonic attachment, or maybe the two simply blur together? How do you even begin to strain two colors of water apart the way everyone talks about it you'd think it was like oil and water that seperate themselves if you wait long enough but I feel like ive waited for so long and all I see is a mix of purple maybe I just need to wait longer and itll be clear... what else would I even do? I know consciously, I have choices here but I feel like none of them are reasonable or something ill ever do I feel like I will stay in this eternal limbo between loving him and wanting him and needing him, and just being his good friend- I dont think im even his best friend I mean realistically we havent known eachother for very long three years at most but we only became friend friends around last year or I guess two now since new years when we got the same class isnt that pathetic? I feel pathetic atleast- and someone he talks to at school.. we've only hung out outside of it once and I know its not because he secretly hates me or something because hes talked extensively about his social battery and I understand and I dont blame him but all of that only makes me feel worse about how generally pained and sad I am about it, not that ive EVER voiced or implied that past a single gif of sad Tigger when he says he cant or doesnt want to hangout and I never intend to I mean what kinda scumbag would with the intent of guilting him into coming over that just feels creepy and so deeply wrong to my core id be sick to my soul if I ever stooped to that level.
Its only been three hours and I already miss him in a way ive never quite missed someone before, does that mean this is unique that this is something more than a normal crush? Or is this just another bit of blue im mistaking for red in all the purple muck. Its so cold in my room right now because its -12 outside and my central heating is barely functional like me, corny. He runs warm though, sometimes when I lean towards him while hes showing me his phone I can feel the heat radiating off of him subtly even thinking about it now quels my shivering under my comforters, I feel like a creep thinking about the way he smells and his heat so much I almost disgust myself; but its hard to help I mean isnt that one of the most intimate parts of a persons public appearence? The proximity required, the taboo/inherent rudeness of mentioning it beyond "I like your cologne/perfume" needing a very special and close relationship to have it appear as anything but an insult. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks of me like this or anything close but part of me truly believes he doesnt and never will.
He has been sitting slightly closer to me on average than before, but theres a multitude of explanations that dont involve him reciprocating feelings like this.
I dont mention or show this side of myself here but I am generally a big flirt, especially online, especially especially on Twitter but lately since these feelings have broken through the surface tension ive been less so and its worries me. How else are my actions subtly and subconsciously changing because of this? Especially around/toward him?
I dont think ill ever tell him, unless I am about to commit suicide. Ive even thought about exactly how id tell him.
"Hey, theres been alot ive been wanting to say to you for a long time (nothing negative in the slightest dont worry)" I know he has anxiety and I dont wanna contribute to that and possibly delay him seeing this blog until im gone- I want to see what he says in my final moments kind of like a coin flip, either I die miserable and sad as ever or I die with a bittersweet feeling and regret as I fade into the dark knowing the entire time he actually did like me and if I wasnt such a mouse such a coward such a weak willed emo bitch I could've ended up with everything I wanted- with him. Id continue the message of course "dont worry) I cant bring myself to actually type it all out but this is my blog [link to this post or another less creepy one talking about my sentiments] I wont be here soon but I just want you to know this. Even if you cant find words or dont want to reply or it sickens you please just read it in full" I might change the wording in the moment, I really dont want to be guilt trippy but I desperately need him to know how I feel before I die even if I end up not knowing how he feels I think I could be a little more at peace if I was certain he'd read it. If he asked what I meant by not here tommorow I wouldn't mince words or be poetic id simply tell him im committing suicide because I can't take it all anymore and that through all these feelings and sadness hes been a beacon of light and one of the best parts of my day. I think ill end up sending this blog to my closest friends when I send it to him aswell.
B/Uni/E/Dino, if you are reading this at some point in the future, im sorry. Id tell you I will miss you or ill be in a better place or some of my happiest moments were being with/talking to you or that in the moments before my death I felt some intense overwhelming regret leaving you all behind once i see the view from half way down but I dont think that would be true.
I cant miss anything anymore, im nowhere the closest thing to me anywhere is this blog and our messages. "Some of" my happiest moments would be an understatement, everytime I think back to a moment ive been truly entirely happy, so happy I could see a light in my imagined view from halfway down, a moment I wish I could keep in a bottle and relive over and over again, a moment where I regret taking whatever drugs im on because i could better remember if i was sober, its been with one of you.
Even with all of that and all you have done for me,
I dont think the regret will be that strong, you are all major reasons ive lived this long, before meeting you I was spiraling and falling into some of the most intense depression of my life (b/E, i met you before it Dino and Uni i met you properly after it) whenever I closed my door and every conversation with any of you brought me a little further out of it (extends to every bout ive had since meeting you wonderful people) but so much of my time is filled with a steadily increasing fatigue with every action and thought dragging me down so much that I fully believe ill regret it but be ultimately relieved that I can finally let go and let it pull me in, in my entirety.
Though I do wonder how you'll think of me when you get that message and note from me and how you'll react and how you'll feel, is it bad that I hope people including you guys care? Its not that want you to be sad or upset I think I just want some confirmation that I really did matter to people and that I wasnt just some dick they hung out with because no one else was free that day even with all the evidence I have I still doubt it sometimes, not even because of your actions.
I wonder if you'll even see the message before im gone, I wonder if ill read a final sentence from any of you. I wonder if ill even have the strenght to send that link and that note, but what kind of asshole would I be if I just gave an Irish goodbye? I wonder if my family would even tell you or know to. I wonder if this is anything but the ramblings of my depression.
I hope my "Father" feels like shit though
I hope my Mother realizes what she did to me.
Im crying so much I cant even sniffle anymore and my face is burning I haven't felt like this since I lived with my mom since I sat alone in my room with the bruises and the terror.
How do I even do it in a way where you have enough time to plausibly read this in full and respond, maybe a death cap? Maybe freezing? With death cap theres the pain before it but with freezing theres time to talk me down and I dont even know how embarrassed and ashamed of myself I would be if any of you managed that.
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