Excessively Diverted

A collection of my poetry and bits of random writings

[justcallmekess]

my love

All my life

I’ve wished

And hoped

Waited

And prayed

For a love

So true, to

Come to me

But yet

Somehow

More love

Than I could

Ever

Wish for, hope for

Pray for was

Sitting there

All along

Purring away

Contentedly

In my lap

Though I was too

Blind

To see it

Until it was

Gone

[justcallmekess]

maybe

Maybe I just

Don’t want to

Remember

The light in your

Eyes

The quirk of your

Smile

The soft, rolling

Lilt

Of your voice

Maybe it’s better

This way

To forget

Let it fade

Like ink on paper

Worn with time

Illegible

And decayed

Maybe I’ll let myself

Float on away

Gentle and drifting

Far from those

Thoughts

Those old aging

Dreams

Withered and worn

At the edges

Maybe someday

I will find

Somewhat strangely

That all of those

Feelings

That once were so

Vibrant

Have lost all their

Color, their light

Once so shining

While all that is

Left

Of this once so true

Love

Are the dust covered

Maybes, now

Locked in a box

Tucked away in the

Darkest of corners

Deep down in my

Heart

[justcallmekess]

open heart surgery

I extracted my heart from my chest, laying it out on a blank sheet of paper, blood seeping onto the page. Sliding it across the table towards you, I sat with bated breath, watching your eyes flit back and forth across the page, waiting as you took in all my secrets. Then you looked away. The sound of your chair legs scraping against the floor echoed in the quiet room, jarring me as you stood up. Then, without a backwards glance, you walked away. The soft click of the door was my only goodbye as it closed gently behind you.

I looked down at my still-beating heart splattered across the page. With a sigh, I sewed up the hole in my chest, stood, and turned from the bleeding mass thumping away on the table. Its rhythm put me in mind of a song that once reminded me of you. Shrugging, I placed a hand over my fresh stitches. No drum beat would sound there ever again. I left it behind and walked through the door, taking with me only the hollow in my chest where a love once lived.

[justcallmekess]

free will

The truth is,

Even if he feels

The same

As I feel

For him

This is his

Choice

To make

And all the

Feelings

In the world

Can’t change

His decision

[justcallmekess]

gravity

I sometimes wish

The earth was

Flat

So that I could

Walk

Straight to the edge

Then jump off

Would gravity

Pull me back?

Or let me

Float?

If it’s anything like my

Heart

It will not allow

My feet

Ever to leave

The ground

[justcallmekess]

speak

My words, they rise

From deepest soil

From pathways strewn

With rock and fire

My words, they fly

On shifting winds

Through tempests born

Of breath and sky

My words, they float

On gentle waves

Through waters deep

They dive below

My words, they ring

With songs of joy

With sunlight dancing

On their wing

My words, they creep

Like rolling fog

In whispers soft

Their secrets sleep

My words, they grow

From jagged heart

With softened edge

They bloom in snow

My words, they reach

A hand toward you

My heart, they hold

My truth, they speak

[justcallmekess]

the talk

Kate picked up her drink, swirling the contents around inside the glass as she held it up to the candlelight.

“Well?” an insistent voice asked her. “Aren’t you going to answer me?”

She dragged her eyes from the pink fizzing liquid to the man sitting across from her. His face danced in shadow and light as the candle flickered on the table between them. His eyes looked glassy and unreal to her, making her slightly uneasy as he stared.

“I don’t know, Alfred,” she shrugged, lifting the glass to her lips. She paused before drinking, sighed, and repeated, “I just don’t know.” Then she tilted her head back, downing the rest of her drink in one long swig.

Placing the glass back on the table, she looked up at him once more, then quickly away again. She immediately regretted the empty glass, wishing for some kind of distraction from his steady gaze. Scanning the restaurant, she searched for their waiter, but couldn’t seem to spot him through the dimly lit crowd of tables and patrons. She saw a busboy clearing a nearby table, and considered asking him to bring her another drink, but then thought better of it.

Alfred’s voice brought her attention back to their table. “I can’t believe that’s all you have to say to me.”

She shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Her stomach tightened, her mind skimming over thoughts ridden with guilt and shame, unwilling to settle on any of them. She sifted down through layers of self-loathing and caught on a spark of annoyance. Why couldn’t he just accept it? She immediately latched on to this feeling as her one saving grace, fanning the spark into a flame.

“What do you want me to say, Al?” she demanded through pursed lips. Crossing her arms, she sat up a little straighter, facing him head on this time as she met his gaze.

She watched a crease appear between his eyebrows, his jaw clench before he opened his mouth to snap at her, “I don’t know, Katie. How about the truth, for once?”

She knew she was in for a fight now, and that it was her own fault, but she didn’t even mind. This, she could handle. His anger she could deal with. She could return fire for fire. But that melancholy face he had worn all evening, his slow-soft voice edged with a hint of pleading, the hollow look in his eyes as he searched for an explanation that she couldn’t give him—this was what she couldn’t take. He was going to crush her under the weight of his own suffering. Suffering she knew she had inflicted.

Selfishly, she wished this conversation was over, wished she was back at her own apartment and that it was tomorrow already so she could put this all behind her. But she was still here, in this restaurant that she hadn’t even chosen, sitting across from the man that had also been chosen for her. The man she was now choosing to leave.

“Fine,” she said, placing her palms flat on the table in front of her and leaning in. “You want honesty? Fine. I’ll give you honesty.”

But something in his look made her pause. His face still wore a mask of anger, but somewhere behind his eyes, she saw a flicker of fear, there and then gone. She felt the guilt swell again, momentarily quelling the fire within her. She took a breath.

“Fine,” she repeated, but softly this time. “The truth is,” she began, her eyes locked on his now, unable to look away. “The truth is, we have been growing apart for some time now.” Here he opened his mouth, but she cut him off before he could argue. “You know it and I know it,” she said firmly.

His mouth closed, his jaw working as though he were chewing on something, but he said nothing.

She went on, “Maybe we were never…” her voice trailed as she saw something painful flare in his eyes. But she forced herself to finish her sentence. “Maybe we were never really in love at all,” she said in a small voice.

“I loved you!” he burst out, as though he were swearing at her. Then he snapped his mouth shut, turning his face away.

Kate felt her eyes fill with hot tears, but she rapidly blinked them away, wrapping her arms around her middle.

Alfred turned back to her. Kate felt her stomach drop like a stone into a pond, a cold feeling of dread reverberating through her at the look in his eye.

“Why don’t you just say what you really mean, Kate?” he asked after a moment’s pause. His voice was strangely quiet. If she wasn’t listening so hard, she might not be able to hear him over the murmur of conversation around them.

“What do you mean?” she tried to ask, but her throat felt suddenly dry and the words came out a whisper. She swallowed, wet her lips, and tried again. “What do you mean?”

He blinked slowly, his eyes closing for just a second too long.

“You never really loved me,” he said finally, his voice heavy.

She opened her mouth. She wanted to say, ‘That’s not true.’ She wanted to tell him she did love him, that she had always loved him, that things had just changed between them. But the words wouldn’t come out. Somehow, sitting across from him in the semi-darkness, his eyes watching her with a look both full and empty, she couldn’t bring herself to say those things to him. She couldn’t bring herself to lie.

It wasn’t until that moment that she realized it really was a lie. Maybe she had always known. Maybe it was just then that she finally let herself accept the truth.

She realized her mouth was still open. She closed it, looked away, then back at Alfred again. The silence stretched between them. Finally, she said the only thing she could think to say to him.

“I’m sorry,” she murmured, her eyes meeting his. She watched his expression as it shifted through emotions. On his face, she read anger, grief, pain—even a kind of acceptance, as though he had known all along.

Then his eyes hardened. Suddenly he was a stranger to her, seeming a million miles away although sitting so close she could reach out and touch him. But she didn’t touch him. Instead, she spoke. “I’m sorry,” she repeated, her voice a whisper now.

His eyes slid away from her. He reached into his back pocket, pulled out his wallet and began thumbing through it.

“What are you doing?” she asked, though she already knew.

He didn’t bother to answer, just laid a few bills on the table and stood up, his chair scraping against the floor.

“Wait,” she said, putting her hand out.

He paused and looked at her then. She didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know how to make things better, for him or herself. She just knew she didn’t want to leave things like this.  

“Well?” he asked when she didn’t speak.

Kate opened her mouth, her palm held upwards, floating in the air between them as though disconnected from her own body. Still, she didn’t speak.

He shook his head, shrugging on his coat. “Goodbye, Kate.”

Kate stood up then, watching his back as he retreated. Watching him walk through the door. He didn’t look back.

Slowly, she sank back into her seat.

Kate watched the candle as it flickered in the small jar on the center of the table. She didn’t know how long she had been sitting there, staring at the dancing flame, when she heard a voice beside her. “Ma’am?”

She looked up. It was the waiter. “Can I bring you anything else, ma’am?” he asked politely, eyes flitting to the stack of bills laying on the tablecloth.

She sat up straight, hands swiping at her face as though wiping away invisible tears. “No,” she said, “thank you. We’re done here.” Then she stood, picked up her coat from the back of her chair and slid her arms into the sleeves.

“We’re done,” she repeated to the waiter, thanking him with a weak smile.

Then she walked to the door, pausing to look back at the table where the busboy was already busy clearing their dishes.

Kate took a deep breath, then turned away. Stepping out into the cold night air, she somehow felt as though she was crossing the threshold from her past into her future life. Whether good or bad, she thought, at least now it was of her own choosing. And she turned her face to the sky and smiled.

[justcallmekess]

let go

As you let go of

My hand

I felt myself

Fall

Dropping, tumbling

Through the air

Reaching out, grasping at

Hands, but

Each one, again and

Again

Let me go

At times I found

Something

To hold onto

And I held, and

Held

With all my might

Hoping,

Praying it would

Lift me up, but

At last

My arms grew so

Weary, I could

No longer

Hold on

Freefalling

Soaring

Arms outstretched

Until

One day, I

Realized

I was no longer

Falling, but

Flying

[justcallmekess]

Heavy

My heart became

So full,

I could no longer

Carry it

On my own, but

When I asked

For your help,

You turned away.

So I set it down, and

Unburdened, walked on alone.

[justcallmekess]

starry night

Looking up, I took a breath. The night sky stretched out above our heads, littered with stars, seeming to expand before our eyes, reaching out into infinity. I had never seen so many stars in my life. We didn’t have skies like this where I was from. The city lights blotted out all but a scant few. Here, I could spend all night counting the plethora of twinkling specks that covered the dark expanse like glitter on black velvet. And when the sun inevitably rose, I would be counting still.

It reminded me of the ocean. The way it made me feel when I stood on the shore, looking out across the waves, the water reaching as far as I could see, flowing out to the horizon and, I knew, beyond. It made me feel how huge the earth was and how small I was in it. But in a calming way, like my problems weren’t as big as they sometimes seemed.

But this. This took that feeling and magnified it one hundred percent. This made the earth itself feel small. The universe was immense, unfathomably so. It made me feel not just how small I was, but how small my entire world really was. And yet, at the same time, I felt a connection to something much greater than myself. Something ancient and eternal. However small, I was a part of this infinite space.

I brought my gaze down to earth and realized William had gotten ahead of me. I picked up my pace, walking fast to catch up. I watched as he turned slightly, looking over his shoulder, then paused, waiting for me.

He smiled as I approached and my breath caught in my throat. I smiled back, a warmth spreading through my chest as I met his gaze. All the stars in the sky were no match for the light I saw shining from those eyes. I felt my face grow hot and forced myself to look away, afraid he could somehow read my thoughts through my eyes.

William continued up the hill and I followed, a few steps behind. When we got to the top, he made his way to a cluster of large, flat stones, shrugging off his backpack as he chose one for a seat. I followed suit, dropping my bag on the ground by my feet as I settled in beside him. I sighed, looking out over the darkened landscape.

“It’s beautiful up here, isn’t it?” he commented.

“Yes,” I said, “it really is.” I shifted on the stone, acutely aware that his arm was mere inches from my own, so close I could feel the warmth emanating from his skin.

For a few minutes we sat in silence, each lost in our own private thoughts. Leaning back on my palms, I let my gaze wander across the starry sky above, lulled by the peaceful sounds of the night. Crickets chirped loudly, tree branches creaked and swayed, their leaves rustling in the wind. In the distance I heard an owl hoot. I tucked my legs up under me as a gentle breeze brushed against my hot skin.

William cleared his throat. I glanced over at him. He was looking up, his face resting in a half smile. I turned my eyes back to the sky, but suddenly all I could hear was the sound of his breath, steady and even.

My mouth felt dry. I leaned over, unzipped my bag and began to rummage through it in the darkness, searching by feel for my water bottle. I felt a tap on my arm and looked over. William was holding his bottle out to me, the corner of his mouth turned up, that one dimple showing. I took the bottle from his hand, our fingers brushing slightly.

I felt awkward as I drank, my eyes sliding over to where he sat. But he was looking out into the distance, and I followed his gaze, trying not to think about the fact that his mouth had recently been where mine now rested.

“Thanks,” I said, handing the bottle back to him. He took a long drink before capping it and setting it on the stone beside him. I felt a shiver run through my body, despite the warmth of the night.

As we turned our faces toward the sky once more, I felt the need to fill the silence. I searched my thoughts for something to say, but my mind came up blank. All I could think of was the way the wind ruffled his hair, and the smell of soap and sweat and something uniquely him that was filling my senses, and the slight lilt he had in his voice, like a faint accent I couldn’t quite place, his tone somehow both light and deep. Yes, I thought. I need to hear him talk.

“I’m glad you brought me here,” I said finally. “I really like…” Being with you, I thought, then panicked. What was I going to say? “Um—nature,” I finished lamely.

“Yeah,” he said, “me too.” I snuck a glance at him. He was looking at me with another of his beautiful smiles. I breathed an internal sigh of relief, relaxing slightly. Somehow, he never seemed to think that I was lame. I felt like I could say just about anything and he would still look at me with that friendly smile and those warm eyes. I smiled and we turned our gazes back to the night. This time, the silence felt comforting and peaceful.

As I sank into the moment, I thought about how happy I was, to be out here, on this beautiful night, with my favorite person. It was true that he only saw me as a friend. And perhaps I would never get the courage to let him know how I truly felt. But just then, I didn’t care. It felt good just to be sitting beside him, in the warmth of the summer night, under a canopy of stars.

I sighed, leaning slightly to my left. I felt his arm brush against mine, an electric hum going through my body. Feeling bold, I leaned in closer, slowly, as casually as I could. My arm now pressed fully against his own. I rested there a moment. Then, I felt his weight shift as he leaned back into me. My heart leapt into my throat, energy buzzing through my veins. I felt giddy, yet content. I could sit like this for hours, I thought, my eyes shining brighter than the stars above me.

A few minutes passed. Then I felt him move again. This time, I felt a weight settle across my back as his arm wrapped around me, his hand resting lightly on my shoulder. I felt my mouth stretch into a wide smile. Shifting closer, I relaxed my body into his. I glanced up at him. He was staring at the sky, a soft smile on his face. Forget hours, I thought, releasing a sigh into the warm night air. I could stay like this forever.

[justcallmekess]

a shift

The world unfolded

Before me, stretching

Out into infinity

A burst of color

An explosion of light

Expanding, unfurling

Billowing up like smoke

Reaching out tendrils

Towards me, slithering

Twisting around me

Like unruly vines

I stood still in wonder

Unsure and afraid

As the heavens descended

Shimmering, iridescent

Blindingly beautiful

A swirling cloud of

Divine light

Envelops me slowly

The ground falls away

Feet resting on sunshine

Eyes burning with love

I awake to the newness

Of self fully realized

Heart wide open

Growing roots in the earth

Deep in the sense

Of knowing

[justcallmekess]

reverie

The warm glow of the fire lit the room, suffusing the space with a quiet intimacy that at once calmed me and made my heart race. I looked over at him as he came to sit beside me on the sofa. Picking up my glass, I took a sip of the wine, mostly just to give my hands something to do.

Curling my bare toes into the plush rug at my feet, I watched the firelight dance across his face, softening his features. My eyes ran over the rough stubble covering his cheek, his full lips curled slightly in a smile, his clear, amber eyes glowing with something more than the fire we sat beside. I felt the heat of his gaze and shivered.

“Cold?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to reply but did not trust my voice. Closing my mouth, I shook my head, eyes never leaving his.

Slowly he moved in closer. I felt wired, every nerve in my body standing on end. I took a breath to steady myself and leaned over to place my glass back on the coffee table.

I felt his fingers against my cheek, brushing a stray hair back from my face. When I turned back to look at him once more, his hand drifted down to rest gently against the curve of my neck.

I sat locked in his gaze, his thumb tracing the line of my jaw, his touch electric against my skin. I murmured his name, the only coherent thought I had. Then he was moving again, his face inches from mine until, closing my eyes, I felt his lips press softly against my own.

[justcallmekess]

drowning

Crashing, suddenly

Into the waves

My body, it floats

Then falls, sinking

Down, I feel

The water, cool

A caress, gliding over

My skin

Looking up

Light sparkles

Above me

Then fades

Darker

Deeper I go

Until all that is left

Faint, distant

A glimmer, to illuminate

The gloom, shadows

Surround me

Dancing and shifting

Sliding in closer

They reach for me

Stretching

Inky tentacles grasping

Trailing patterns of

Ice

Where they graze

My skin

Curling around me

They’re pulling me under

Slowly, further

Into the darkness

I open my mouth

To scream, to call

For someone, something

But silence

It chokes me

Filling my lungs

Seeping into my body

Weighing me down

I sink, gasping

For truth, needing

To speak, I claw

At the space

Surrounding me, empty

The weight of my

Burden

Dragging me

Down

Down, deeper

Into despair

The light, the glimmer

Of hope

Slowly fading

Away

[justcallmekess]

patiently

Tick, tick, tick

The secondhand creeps on by

Echoing loudly

In the empty room

I cover my ears

Sighing, shifting

Uncomfortable

In my own skin

Waiting, always

Be patient, the words

Repeat like a mantra

In my head

Staring at the ceiling

Eyes wandering

Roaming, following

The cracks in the paint

Drifting, my mind

Turns in a circle

Avoiding the thought

At the center

Dancing around it

Twisting and twirling

Like fire, it draws me

Like fire, it burns

Energy building

Still waiting, unmoving

Pushed to the edge

Yet unable to jump

Soon, the voice whispers

Soon, the years pass

In stillness, enveloped

By silence

Screaming, inside

My voice tells you nothing

I open my mouth

And make not a sound

Watching, impatient

I claw at the windows

Caked over with dust

No one sees me inside

Patience, it preaches

The voice in the silence

Good things are coming

To those who will wait

Finally bursting

The fire consumes me

I tear at the lock

As I break through the door

Sunlight, blue sky

Wind through the trees

I step onto the grass

Then I see it, my prize

Golden and shimmering

Perfect and blissful

The heart of my heart

My only desire

Stretching, I reach out

My fingertips brushing

Against it, a moment

Then grasp only air

Ashes, they fall

Down gently they float

To my feet, all that’s left

Of my prize

Then comes the voice

From the stillness behind me

If only you’d waited, it says

In its infinite patience

For just one more day

[justcallmekess]

safe

I built my wall

Brick by brick

Fortified

With apathy

Deflection

A calculated

Nonchalance

Guarding always

This sensitive

Quivering, helpless

Beating organ

In my chest

While there

Behind the fortress

The stone and mortar

Beneath the armor

Of iron and steel

I wait in silence

Breath suspended

Frozen in terror

Of intrusion

Attack

Conquest

Huddled in my corner

Behind those walls

I hid, secure

Safe, protected

Or so I believed

But there, so small

Almost invisible

A crack, a chink

A weakened spot

You saw, you slid

Right through the gap

So smoothly

Quick

In the dead of night

Before I had

Even the chance

To sound the alarm

There you were

Inside

My heart

[justcallmekess]

silence

I followed behind Tristan as he took a shortcut, cutting across an open field towards the dirt lane that led up to our neighborhood. I felt the sun on my skin as we stepped out from beneath the cover of trees. It warmed me, sinking into my pores and taking the chill out of the air. Drops of golden light glinted in Tristan’s eyes as he looked back over his shoulder at me, turning the usual hazel into a bright green.  

We trudged through the damp, untamed grass, my thin canvas shoes soon becoming soaked. Tristan slowed to walk beside me and I felt my heartrate speed up at the close proximity. He made a joke, white teeth flashing in a careless grin, that one dimple showing in his left cheek. As he looked down at me, eyes shining, I felt an inexplicable happiness forming in the pit of my stomach, then rising like a bubble up through my throat.

I laughed, reaching out to brush my hand against his arm. Electricity went through me at the touch and suddenly I felt everything come into sharp focus.  The sun beating down, the frost in the air that filled my lungs, the distant trees swaying in the soft wind, being alone out here, just the two of us — it all came together to form this one perfect moment.

I don’t know what came over me, but right then I was feeling suddenly brave, reckless even. The feelings I had kept hidden for so long were all right at the surface, bursting to come out. I needed to tell him.

I opened my mouth. “Tristan—” I began, but he was already speaking.

“I’m thinking of asking out Sarah,” he blurted, a nervousness in his eyes, though the grin had not yet faded from his face.

I felt the words roll over me like a tidal wave. My vision blurred momentarily, then filled with spots of bright light. A tingling feeling went through my whole body and my breath caught in my lungs. When I remembered to breathe again, I was mildly surprised to find myself still on my feet. My mind scrambled for something to say, but all was a blank.

Tristan looked down at me eagerly. “Well?” he demanded, and again I tried to think. What was a normal response to this confession? What was I expected to say?

“Do you think she would say yes?” he pressed.

I managed to make a sound, something resembling a grunt, and then cleared my throat to try again. “Uh, well—um, yes,” I stumbled over the words. “I’m sure she would,” came my mumbled reply.

It seemed my half-hearted response was enough to encourage him. A smile lit his face, relief clear in his eyes. He was silent for a moment, apparently lost in though. Then—

“Thanks,” he said, and patted me on the shoulder, turning away again to continue our walk.

I followed slowly, my shoes feeling like they were filled with lead weights. Though the sun still shone down, it no longer warmed me, but seemed only to burn, searing a hole right through my skin.

There was a throbbing pain in my chest. I felt like a golf ball was lodged in my throat. I pushed the ache back down, closed myself off from it, locked it in a steel box in my mind. Stepping back from the pain, I looked down on it as though it were an entity separate from me. I refused to own it, this aching, deformed thing. I tried to strangle it before it could take hold of me.

And I succeeded, for now. The rest of the walk home was a haze. I had mastered my pain, but I felt empty, numb. I tried to exert myself. I forced myself to reply when Tristan spoke, but my responses were slow and confused. He didn’t seem to notice, probably being preoccupied with his own thoughts. Thoughts of her. Sarah.

I felt the bile rise up in my throat but forced it back down. We were nearing my house and I wanted nothing more than to lock myself in my room for the rest of the night, to barricade myself from the rest of the world. To hide from the truth. To hide from him.

When we got to my driveway, I pasted what I hoped was a convincing smile on my face and said as cheerfully as I could manage, “See you tomorrow, Tristan.” My next words stuck in my throat but I forced them out, “Good luck with Sarah!”

He grinned, and that same lopsided grin that often left me breathless was now like a slap in the face. “Thanks, Gaby!” he said. “See you at school!” And then he turned and continued down the lane towards his house.

I stood in the driveway and watched as my best friend walked away. When he was no longer in sight, I said softly, “I’m in love with you.”

The wind seemed to capture my words the moment they left my mouth, tearing them from me and leaving me in silence.

I don’t know how long I stood there, staring down the lane, but the sun had gone and my body felt frozen by the time I turned to go inside.

As I stepped up onto the porch, I thought of that one perfect moment, and wondered what could have been if I had spoken a few seconds sooner. It didn’t matter. I knew now that I would never tell him the truth.

After one last glance down the road, I turned inside, closing the door behind me.

[justcallmekess]

glance

I try not to

Can’t help it

My eyes are drawn

Like magnets

To yours

Do you see me?

Were you watching?

No

You look away

Speaking to someone

I drag my eyes down

Shuffling papers

Before me

But then

Looking up

I catch it

A look

A smile, soft and sweet

Your eyes

Warm and gentle

You turn your face

Away

But your lips

Still curve

Your cheeks tinged pink

Were you looking

At me?

In your eyes

Did I see

Could that possibly be

Your love?