dis my brain, des my thoughts

i just really like to think 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

just a quick minute update, i love china. my language partners are so precious, the food is soon good and cheap, as is the boba. there is nature intertwined with the industrial and trees are everywhere. the architecture is stunning and the fashion is amazing. i really fucking love china. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

i was worried it would be hard to pick my company in the end. but it wasn’t. i found a place where i can just be and people love me for it. and i love them. i can’t wait for my internship next summer!

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg

honestly just here to entertain. by this point i was pretty tired, i was just ready to go home. but every one deserves the best shot, and networking is v important. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg day -1

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kpmg day 1

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kpmg day 2

as advisory, we had to get there 15 minutes earlier than everyone else because we had to go through more interviews. john, a kid i met at the deloitte spring event, was also there, and he gave danica and i a ride to the office (he’s advisory too). when we got there we got breakfast (a waffle bar) and then headed out to our interviews. i really enjoyed them. the professionals i spoke to were really nice. i can gladly say that still, my favorite interviewers were from kpmg. i really loved my second interviewer, he was so funny. he’s a dad so he talked about how he’s trying to catch up with all the hip stuff kids do. and he’s india, so when i talked about my parents and a little bit about helicoptering he laughed and was like yeah i guess i’m a helicopter parent too. he was literally so adorable. he used a lot of metaphors but they were really simple and actually really helped me wrap my mind around advisory and it’s role within the whole firm. like tbh, why are consulting services a part of an accounting firm. he was able to break it down into fun food metaphors it was great. i had a really great time talking to him. then we went back to the main room, they were doing this activity where you can learn a little more about different parts within kpmg, like initiatives and comp and ben. it was fairly irrelevant to me so i just went to danica who finished talking to them all. their was a rifle drawing and then we had an office tour. our tour guide was the manager of operations of the building so he knew the place inside and out, and he was pretty funny so that was cool to have. when we came back from the tour they had turned the main room into an escape room. it was really fun. i liked getting to use my brain in that puzzle solving way and it was cool to see our team progress. we had an hour to solve it. we got kinda close to being close to solving it before another team solved it. then we talked about why some teams worked and some didn't and blah blah teamwork. once we wrapped that up we went to go eat lunch at flemmings this really fancy steak house. the food was super good. i actually didn't order any steak though. i got this “power lunch” which was a barely base with tons of veggies it was so good and there was so much food i couldn't finish it. the sides were delicious too. there was really yummy scalloped potatoes, and the best lobster mac and cheese i have ever had. vidhi was with us for lunch, and danica’s cousin who works at kpmg was there too, and our other professional was maybe in her mid-30s, she was literally supermom. but she had a harder time connecting with us cause we were all really young. it was fun, again we didn't really talk about work, we just talked and had a fun time. when we went back to the office we had this innovation activity, that was essentially a case study, where we came up with a way to make a mundane more efficient. it was really fun to brainstorm and i really loved everyones ideas. i hope they make them so i can use that product haha. and finally now, was the parting keynote. it was a really nice one the lady talked about her journey and she had beautiful purple hair. she was super incredible. and then it was done. we got hydroflasks as a parting gift which is super dope because i have secretly always wanted one but refused to pay for it so now i have one. there was still a lot of time before my flight so i waiting outside the building with some friends until everyone started to drift off. it was just me ikumi and this kid from berkley named vincent. we took an uber to the airport together after putting it off as long as we could. we exchanged linked ins wished each other luck and that since whichever company we’re at, we’re all in the bay and to meet up. it was really sweet. then it was goodbyes and onto security. i had the worst experience at security, they through away my eye mask, rude™ i literally just bought it this month i was so pissed. i’ve bought a new one by now. but like that was $7 i did not have to respond. when i got into the terminal, i opened my laptop and ordered victoria secret underwear because they had their 7 for $25 sale which is the best, and i bought new underwear that i was planning to take to china, but alas i have left my home today and it did not ship in time. i think it’ll get home tomorrow which sucks. i should ve shipped it to 60 casa. but it’s okay. i then got some starbs, and headed to my boarding area. eriko just got through security when i went to my gate so she talked with me and waited for me to get on the plane. i’ll see her next summer so that’s really exciting! and then i got on my plane and finally completed my slp adventures. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg

honestly just here to entertain. by this point i was pretty tired, i was just ready to go home. but every one deserves the best shot, and networking is v important. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg day -1

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[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg day 1

i made my way to the office just on time, and was pleasantly greeted. i saw a bunch of cal poly kids i recognized, and to my surprise josh was there again. so it was cool that most of the gang if you will was here too. eriko was here too! from the deloitte spring into leadership pre-conference thing. it was so cool to see her especially since i saw tiffany the sunday before i came to gt. it was like a staggered reunion. okay kpmg, first thing we did was like a itinerary and welcome spiel. if there’s anything i’ll give to kpmg is that they have performers. i’m no kidding the professionals they have lead these event totally did theater in high school. from vince at the pre-interview dinner social to elise at the slp, these people were so excited and they performed when they presented. it was entertaining. next was lunch and tbh, i wasn't very impressed. i know i know that sounds weird. i’m very grateful that they fed us, but it was just sliders and salad with potato wedges. i’m not basing any companies off of what they feed us and the stuff they give me, but it was a little awkward. even the professionals at our table were like, “the food wasn't very good huh?” the professionals that sat at our table really pegged the stereotype that i’ve noticed at kpmg, it seems like it’s a lot of the frat-type guys. like a lot of bros go there. 3 out of 5 of our professionals were bros. they were really nice though! it was here that i met my roommate for the night, danica, and i found another kid that knew jacques, this time one of his better friends that they hang out together when they're back home. so one week i met three kids that know him. weird. but it was fun getting to talk to the people. we didn't really talk about work. we just talked and it was refreshing because i know enough about advisory by now. like i am done. when we went back inside we had a keynote and i really loved the women who spoke. i would get to know one of them a lot better as the night went on. once they finished they went into this presentation where we basically listened to kpmg pitch themselves. not like bdo in terms of the are our cool benefits, but more like we’re a big 4 pitch. so i kinda zoned out. i do admit, i think that in terms of the internship, i think kpmg would have been really good for me, because i could chose to go abroad for half of it. which would be super fucking cool. but in terms of the company i didn't super mesh. right before we left the office we all had books in front of us. they were copies of our favorite childhood book that we wrote on our application. kpmg has this program where they donate books to kids who cant afford them. i literally started getting tears in my eyes when i heard that we got to give these books to underprivileged kids. we also got to write a note inside them too. my book was the first book in the boxcar children series. these were the first books that i started to put myself into when i read them. they’re what started my love for reading and the idea that i get to share that with a kid brought tears to my eyes. it was just really wholesome okay. 

next we went to the client site, oooooo. we went to adobe and went to see where the auditors work and listened to this really boring presentation about auditing. i zoned out again. once it finished we were going off in groups to where they’re office space in adobe is, shelby, one of the presenters, was like “any advisory kids follow vidhi, she’s advisory on this project” and i was like god freaking bless. vidhi was so nice, she’s a first year and from cal poly!! so i got to connect with her really well and i asked her straight up is what i’m learning really gonna teach me anything for the job, and she said honestly not a bunch. it helps with the vocabulary and programs/software, but the job you learn how to do during your internship. the professionals take the time to make sure you understand all the notes you took (you take a lot of notes as an intern) and that you’re prepared for the job. she also told me that as an advisory sometimes you’re the only intern on the project. so that’s cool and scary. 

but after this we went back to the office i think? or we just went straight to santana row cause we were getting dinner at the top of hotel valencia. the food here was really good.  danica and i had kinda attached at the hip by now. we were the only girls in advisory (the only other kids there for it were three guys. that’s it 5 kids for advisory) and we both were able to really connect to vidhi and got closer. so when we got to the dinner place we just stuck to each other. we got our food and ended up running into vince. we ate with him and he just shared really solid words of wisdom, told me that i was crushing it, and his advice for when we start working: spend your first paycheck. he told us how when he got his paycheck it was the most money he’d ever received. it’s something he earned and he felt he ought to be rewarded for all his work to get it and spent it. he cautioned not all of it, but don't throw it all into savings. treat yo’self for all you’ve done. you’ve been working up to that moment. it was just really exciting to get to talk to him. i talked to him a little bit in-between my interviews, and he just spews wisdom he's super cool, so i was really happy to have gotten to talk to him. after eating danica and i went to the bathroom and i had a lovely chat with one of the card dealers (it was a casino night theme networking event) and she was just so cute! as i was going into the stall we said bye and she was like “hey com play at my roulette table!” it was so cute. when we finished peeing danica and i went to find the dessert. on our way we ran into our recruiter erin and she wanted to check in and make sure we were finding people to talk to. she asked if we’d found skip yet, he was an associate in advisory and she wanted us to meet him and said she’d send him our way when she finds him. we grabbed dessert and i found shelby who i started a conversation with at adobe about being a working mom, and we were able to finish it over dessert. there’s never really any advice or way to be a working mom, but i just like to plan waaaaay ahead and i like to know as much before i go into it, even if it doesn't give me anything to do or prepare now. just knowing what to expect or what it looks like, even generally, is enough for me. at one point skip found us and joined the conversation, sorta, we changed the topic to advisory now haha. he was super cool! he talked a bit about what we did and we asked questions. he talked about how he does work abroad and i told him how i was going to china and he legit told me when “you’re on find me and we’ll get you on my team.” like that’s a really cool thing to hear, but i also felt awkward because i’m not going to kpmg. jennifer, an audit partner i met at slo joined too and danica and i talked to her about making partner while on maternity leave. a bit later some professionals came by and gave danica and i their poker chips and told us to go win big with them lol so skip joined us and we went to go play blackjack. we tried to play roulette at my bathroom friends table but her table was full :( but we had fun playing blackjack. we basically just dumped all our money cause we didn't care. we chatted with skip. chatted with each other. won. lost. it was fun. at the end we found out they were exchanging the chips for raffle tickets and we spent all our tokens. and then low and behold my bathroom friend was like “are you gonna exchange your chips!” and danica was like “we spent them all” my friend looked at us and was like “you’re not professionals right?” (the professionals couldn't get raffle tickets ) and we said no, so then she just took a fat stack of chips from her case and gave them to us. we each got a thousand which got us 5 tickets. it was so nice of her! neither of us won but that’s okay, it was a lawn chair, i could not fit that into my luggage to go home!

skip said bye and we thanked him for his time and for having fun with us and then we grabbed snack goodie bags and headed to the hotel. 

when we got to hotel we just sprawled out and talked. i told her earlier that i was here for fun i already picked deloitte, so i told her my story and why i picked it. she did kpmgs global advantage program (which i got offered and declined, tbh thank god i would've had to go to kpmg if i did and never would have known how much more i prefer deloitte) and told me all about that. then we talked about school and what we do there. it was like having the first year college roommate i dreamed about. sitting in bed in pjs, lying around, and talking about everything, our day, our lives together. it was a really great moment and i’m really glad that we were roommates. we got ready for bed and i watched a kdrama till i fell asleep.

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg

honestly just here to entertain. by this point i was pretty tired, i was just ready to go home. but every one deserves the best shot, and networking is v important. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg day -1

so we’re gonna start from when i landed in san jose. i went straight to the hotel and unpacked/settled as i was waiting for camille to get there. once she was we spent a few minutes getting distracted and catching up on life but not wanting to give away too much because we wanted to save it for after we ate. we spent a while trying to decide where to eat, i said i didn't want anything great heavy, but the irony is that we went to gen kbbq it was amazing. we ordered waaaay to much food, but that’s okay. we had a good time™ and were adventurous together. we did agree, next time we need to go with david or someone who really knows what they’r’e doing. we tried a good share of the menu. we liked, we loved, and we hated. our ultimate favorite was just the classic bulgogi. it was my favorite when i went to kbbq in santa maria and it was my favorite again. i’m really proud of us. we really had no clue what was happening but we cooked out food, we’re not poisoned, and were the last ones there. we accomplished so much. 

when we went back to the hotel i shared about my summer and told her how my standards for men have changed because matt is the greatest human i have ever met. we got excited for my trip to china, and then ofc, we discussed cal poly racing because what’s friendship without it. it was just a fun night getting to hang out together and really our first time just hanging out the two of us and it was really great. it’s crazy for me to think i’m so close to this girl who all i knew of ran the website for this club i was in. it’s crazy what time can do. 

camille left earlyish in the morning, i sent her off, slept a little longer then got ready to go to the office.

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

kpmg

honestly just here to entertain. by this point i was pretty tired, i was just ready to go home. but every one deserves the best shot, and networking is v important. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt

the focus for gt was going in and seeing if i made a mistake choosing deloitte. gt was my close second after my experience with them in sf and i was saddest when accepting deloitte knowing i wasn’t give them a fair chance. but i was very happy with my decision and i knew it in my heart. so going here was just an insurance that i did end up in the best place for me. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt day 1

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gt day 2

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[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt day 3

i had to wake up super early so that i could go to yoga. it was really worth it though, i was almost convinced that i was going to commit to waking up at 6:30 every morning and going to yoga in the morning when i start to work. ha! the instructor was so cool, her name was hella and she’s from germany. i loved her. when i thanked her for the practice she asked if i practiced yoga and i told her yes and she thanked me for practicing with her. as we are walking back to the hotel this girl who was behind me said she kept watching me when she got lost and i felt really cool. when we got back i got my breakfast and it was so freaking delicious, shoutout to khanh for her recommendation on which sandwich to grab. when i got upstairs i took a shower, and got in my business casual and headed down with nicole. we had a keynote from this partner from north carolina. he was very well dressed in a suit, and one of the partners here who knew him called him out and said “this is california who do you think you are!” and the poor guy took of his suit jacket and tie, he expressed the californian way of dress was a lot more comfy, but he was still in dress pants and a button-down so he still looked professional and the fact that he came in fully business professional really means a lot. i kinda listened to what he had to say. i really just listened to his accent. he was like an older matt steensma. when he finished tamiya came and introduced the case study and then we broke off to do our case study. i wish we had a little more time, it worked out well. i had a good team, i took up the wrong botecar when presenting so i couldn't remember one of the service line names but eh it was fine. it was really fun, we had to pick a company from two on a list and pitch why we think gt should choose them as a client. it was funny getting to look at how a company may look into choosing a client. when we finished, we just went back into the main room, they announced the winners of the case study and then dismissed us. 

there was still a lot of time before our flights so the same group from our free time, plus jack this time, all bell-checked our bags and walked back to the gas lamp district. i talked to jack the whole time because as we were walking down i found out he too went to bell and he actually knew jacques. i was p shook. then we talked about how we were both going abroad. he said he was really jealous i was going to china because he is, and i quote, “an asian at heart” this kid kills me. it was so funny. but he told me that his plan is florence to go abroad, and then after college tour all of asia. he also shared how one of his cousins went to korea for like a few months, loved it, and then lived there for a few years teaching english. it was really fun. we also talked about our love for johanna and how we just felt immediate trust with her. we made our way back to the hotel and lauren and i were on the same flight so we left together. had an amazing uber ride the lady was so funny. at the airport we found parker, a kid from the local program at gt and we talked with him, learning about what he thought, i think he’s going to go big 4. after talking we got through security pretty fast, only to find out we went through the wrong security because our gate was in the other part of the airport. so we booked it out and made our way across the airport and sat in security for a while waiting to get to the real gate. when we got to the gate we were like 10 minutes before boarding so we were fine. ikumi and her friend were already there, josh was there too. he thought lauren and i’s story of essentially touring the airport was funny. it’s all good though, we made it to sj totally fine and life was good.

i had a really great experience with grant thronton. genuinely a very close second to deloitte, but i did not regret my decision. i connected more with other students at deloitte, loved my group and the activities, and really felt a connection to every professional i spoke to. it was a very good time. the only thing i am sad about is that i won’t get to see johanna, kristen, and khanh at work.

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt

the focus for gt was going in and seeing if i made a mistake choosing deloitte. gt was my close second after my experience with them in sf and i was saddest when accepting deloitte knowing i wasn’t give them a fair chance. but i was very happy with my decision and i knew it in my heart. so going here was just an insurance that i did end up in the best place for me. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt day 1

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gt day 2

this morning started off by finding the conference room we were having breakfast in. nicole and i felt like we were running around this hotel trying to find it. there was guidance but it was in the middle of nowhere. we were both in different rooms so we split off. aurora was in my breakfast as was danila, the russian kid from cal poly i met at kpmg first and kept seeing at programs. he’s so funny, he’s such an interesting dude. our professionals both shared really incredible stories of their time at the firm and i had a really good time listening to them and the advice they had to share. it was a really comfortable way to wake up. 

next was going back to the conference room for the opening then we went to rooms for the breakout sessions. this was maybe my favorite one because it was so funny. it was supposed to reflect it’s culture, and we had this story about about people on a boat that crashed and their stranded, 3 wash up on a nice island, and 2 wash up on a shitty island. there’s this whole storyline and we have to rank the 5 people in the order we think of best to worst essentially. it was quite funny ranking them and hearing everyones reasons. i just had a lot of fun. then it was on to the next one, i had captioning your career which was a cool board game about a general career path at gt, showcasing the steps to progressing in the company and we had two professionals we could ask questions to, i got lucky as both mine were from the advisory people, i had johanna and zaib. after learning we had lunch and it was also very good this day too, the brussel sprouts were amazing. 

we sat at a table of all students, katie and brittney were at my table. we all talked and it was here that i brittney approached me and asked it i knew jacques because our last names were the same. it was really funny, only took me two years to finally find someone who knew jacques. once we finished, katie and i headed up to her room she wanted to change or something, and then we also watched a bit of game of thrones before heading back to the rooms. after this we had another keynote and i kinda listened kinda didn’t. it was a women and she was really great but she was just targeting white old men and like it just felt really backwards. like yes they suck but to progress we can’t blame white men the whole time we need to teach them. 

we then got to go into our service line breakouts and i think this was the most beneficial part of the conference. there were only 12 or 13 kids for advisory at the whole program, and we got the four professionals to our selves. nathan sat at the table i was at for the activity portion. we got to go through what you do at a clients. we did a walkthrough and identified controls. it was actually really fun, like i could do this for a while. next the professionals switched and johanna and tamiya came over and we got to ask them questions. both incredible amazing women that i am obsessed with. 

the best part was next, we had a little under three hours of free time to explore and do whatever. katie, brittney, lauren, meera, and i all got bird scooters and scooted around the city. we got split up pretty quickly after we started, katie and i went a different way at a crosswalk and we just decided we’d split up. this is when katie and i really go to know each other. we scooted and talked about the summer. we discussed ey, she asked me what was so specially about deloitte, what i think about gt and if i regret my decision. she’s really enjoying gt but feels that ey can offer more opportunity. so she’s going through some tough decisions trying to see which firm she’s going to go with. it was really nice to just be able to talk and explore together. the other girls found us and we scooted around for maybe 20 more minutes before going back to the hotel to get ready for the networking event at night.

once we got there, katie and i had a mission, eat, and then find johanna because we wanted to learn more from her after asking her questions in the advisory breakout session. we got our food and ate, and about the time we finished we spotted johanna just getting there and getting food. we slowly swarmed her, and she was so welcoming telling us to join her and talk so long as we don't mind her eating at the same time. it was just so natural and comfortable. there’s something about johanna that really makes you trust her, she’s very areeb lal aleb. so we didn't necessarily have to ask a bunch of questions, but we just carried a conversation about the career, our lives, being women. she’s part of the women’s initiative at gt and we got to hear about what they do and it sounds so cool. we also talked to her about being a mom and how that plays. she was honest, she told us she’s been working for almost 13 years and she’s finally just had a kid. she has a one-year old son. she said you just have to find the right time in your career and it’s hard, but you make it work. alternate schedules with your partner but it’s possible and neither of you have to sacrifice your career. she mentioned before that she worked for deloitte for nine years, whenever she talked about it she seemed very hurt by them, she really didn't like them, so i asked her honestly if she would share why she left and why she felt the way she did. because i really connected with her and if she hated deloitte i was worried i made a mistake. she told us she left in 2008, when the economy was bad and she was seeing a lot of her friends become eligible for partner but they weren't being promoted, granted, no one was being promoted at that time and she told us that. but what really pushed her was that she had a friend who worked so hard on a project, did the whole thing really, and his supervisor took all the credit. she said she didn't want to be around a place where people are throwing people under the bus. which was very understandable. i’m i thanked her for sharing. but i was so relieved by her answer. the issue with people not promoting was due to the economy. yes it was not fair, but that wasn’t totally on deloitte, even katie mentioned that when we left. and the issue with supervisors, i’ve met so many managers and partners and they’re all young and chill, they’re millennials. and the ones i’ve met really don't have it in them to take people’s credit. sydney, joey, preston, they would never. i felt so valued by them and i had even signed to deloitte yet. it was like preston said, just even being in the process for the company already puts me in with the one dot. i’m already family. so i was very relieved that johanna’s issues with deloitte were situational to the time period. it was getting to the end of the networking session and we were among the last few people so we thank johanna for her time with us and for being so open. katie and i left and it was as we walked through the hotel she said that she didn’t think it was deloitte’s fault and i told her i was relieved about that. we both suddenly got very tired as we were going up to her room, she was loaning me a jacket because we were supposed to meet up with friends and walk around the gas lamp district. we sat at these chairs by the elevators waiting for everyone as we got tireder and conversed. when everyone came down we got a little more energy and started to head out, as we were leaving we ran into josh, edward, and jack and they joined our group. we were now a massive group of underage kids walking around a ton of bars. it was p ironic. it was really beautiful though. we all got to talking, i got to catch up with edward and see what he was thinking. i talked to josh and thomas and i walked with katie and chatted with meera. it was a good time. eventually though walking became obsolete because we couldn't go in anywhere and we were just walking and since we were already tired, katie and i wanted to turn back, a few more of the group joined us and we all headed back. i got to know josh a little more, he went to bellermine too but didn't know jacques. i talked to thomas and got to know more about his story. i learned he has a fraternal twin who’s very artistically talented and learned german. it was a very nice night meeting all these people a little bit more. once we got back i was exhausted and nicole came back soon after me and we talked more, debriefing about the day and program before going to bed. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt

the focus for gt was going in and seeing if i made a mistake choosing deloitte. gt was my close second after my experience with them in sf and i was saddest when accepting deloitte knowing i wasn’t give them a fair chance. but i was very happy with my decision and i knew it in my heart. so going here was just an insurance that i did end up in the best place for me. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt day 1

my plane was an hour late so i ended up leaving for sd when i was supposed to land but it’s chill tbh because idk what i would've done being there so early. i had a really nice shuttle ride to the hotel, the kids were really nice and friendly so a good start. when we got to the hotel khanh and kristen were there to great us and were so freaking sweet. i really love them. after checking in i headed up to my hotel and just worked on getting my stuff set up and shit. maybe 15 or 20 minutes before needing to head down my roommate walked in and it was nicole from women in business so that was super cool! it was really relieving to have someone i knew walk in through that door. we headed down to the program together and i met my tablemates. both really nice kids from usc, i should've asked if they knew taylor or simon but that thought is just coming to me know. the professional at my table was none other than nathan dreyfus, my interviewer, so that was super funny to run into him again. he’s a really cool dude. khanh also sat at our table while she wasn't running logistical things. we had these like intro things, we met rocky garza who’s this like hype psychology dude who was gonna lead some leadership discussions with us and be the emcee. i was really excited for him because i really live for those kids of talks and stuff, but i wasn't as impressed as i was hoping for. anyways, next was lunch and it was so good. we ate by the poolside and my favorite part of it were the shrimp salad and the scallop salad. i wish i got more. i sat with katie im, who i knew from cal poly from a few random interactions, (she’s also a housing ambassador but i have yet to give a tour with her), and we got to know each other a lot better during our time at gt together and i am so grateful. we sat with a bunch of advisory people unknown to us, we actually sat with the three our of the four advisory people at the whole conference, and the two super fun recruiters. we got to know everyone a little and more so about there lives rather than what they do. katie and i talked about our travels this summer and the fall. it was a very welcoming time. just us two and five professionals, it was pretty darn cool and they were all so nice. this was also the first time that we met johanna, and unbeknownst to us yet, the greatest person we would met at that conference.

after lunch we headed back inside to our table we all got to learn a little more about each other during these activities and i realized that i’m really bad about sharing things about myself. i felt really weird sharing, or i wouldn't say the whole thing, or i said something weird, or felt judged, i don't know sharing was a little weird, and i think maybe because we didn't really know each other at the table yet. maybe this would've been a better day 2 activity. we also discussed what we want to learn and stuff from the program there were three questions but i forgot them all already. once we completed that hour or so long discussion we headed to our first breakout session and i had mine with rocky. we really just “delved deeper” into what we did in the previous discussion and i really didn't feel like i gained anything from it. i was pretty disappointed from that actual activity part. at the end we just got to ask him questions and that’s where i actually was getting advice i felt i could take, apply, and use. but after this, my illusion of him kinda shattered and it was harder to really listen with excitement from him anymore.

reflecting on that in comparison to my time at deloitte, we didn't have some fancy psychology life-coach guiding our workshops, we had an advisory partner and a well-established women in deloitte’s people and culture (hr). tbh i enjoyed having john and susan guide us more than i did rocky. sure, rocky got all his experience from life-hardship and has cool knowledge that he know gets paid to bestow on people, but he’s essentially creating himself an itinerary to go through with us. he made it himself so he believes it and he’s gonna preach it. john and susan we’re given the itinerary from deloitte. i’m sure susan had some role with it as she works in p&c for them, but either way let’s say they didn't make it they just administer it. they did so with such passion and trust in what they were telling us, you knew they believed in what they were saying. and i think that speaks more volume than having someone preach what they believe because they did it. finding people within your company who believe what you want to showcase and having them want to preach your companies word, i think that means more. that was confusing let me redo the sentence. finding people who believe in something they didn't come up with themselves is harder than finding someone who believes in what they themselves came up with. so i’m more impressed that deloitte had so many willing individuals who believed in what the company made to administer than having someone come in and preach his inner monologue. because not only was it john and susan, but the johns and susans in the other rooms, and every professional in the rooms with us, all the way down to my recruiters and even to my deloitte buddy and coach. 

i cant quite remember what happened next exactly, i think we reconvened and had a professional speak? we had a few speak and this guy was the first so i’m gonna assume it was now cause it was too early to go to the night activities yet. anyways it was this audit guy talking about culture but he kept relating everything back to audit so i kinda just checked out. he also wasn’t dressed that impressively. he’s supposed to be someone who is very high up in the firm, you don't need to wear a full suit, it is california and everyone here wears jeans, but like maybe wear elevated business casual. like wear nice slacks and a button-down instead of khakis and a polo. i don't know simple things ya know. anyways i totally checked out. when he was done (assuming i have the timing right) we all boarded buses to go to the boardwalk amusement park, belmont park, sd has. katie and lauren were sitting with me and we got to catch up a little and talk lightly about the program because there were professionals around us. we all got pretty car sick from the ride, it was a v bumpy and jolty ride, katie got it the worst though. the venue was really cute once we got there. i’m honestly so shook that we all fit there. it was fairly fun. the music was a little too loud for my liking but that’s cause i like to hear people lol. we took photos at the photo booth, ate some food, conversed, played giant jenga where i got tons of anxiety. edward and jack were at the conference and the first time i really interacted with them again as when i was playing jenga. they thought it funny that i had so much anxiety about this thing falling. josh was there too. not accounting boy josh, but ironically, josh who i met in my accounting 214 class who sat next to me. he’s a freshman who’s just really smart and on top of everything, so he’s graduating early. we got to know each other better during the local program. i didn't reply socialize with any professionals during this night, i just really talked to more cal poly kids and got to know kids in my major better. after killing more time and watching a hula hop contest we got wrist bands to go to the amusement park. i went with a group of girls from cal poly, we zip lined twice and then lauren and i went to the bumper cars. next was catching the earlier bus back because we were so tired. i sat next to this girl, aurora, she was part of our group at the park but she goes to san jose state. i noticed her screensaver was jungkook and i looked her dead in the eyes and was like “i love your screensaver is he your bias?” and that started an amazing conversation and friendship all the way back to the hotel. we exchanged kdrama recs and talked about our favorite artists. she’s going to see dpr live and i am so jealous. we talked all the way back to our rooms and we traded contact info. she was so sweet! when i got back to my room, i changed into gym clothes and lauren and i went to gym together because we were in for a long week of food (she was going to kpmg after too). it was nice, we got to talk and get to know each other more than a shared major and job. i learned about how she met her boyfriend and we got to talk about my trip to china. it was really fun. when i got to my room i took a shower and talked a bit with nicole before going to bed (i even watched a little of my kdrama before sleeping). it was really nice to have a friend at the end of the day to just talk to about what was going on and have them understand. she thinks she’s going with kpmg and i told her how i was being a traitor and already accepted deloitte. it was nice because then we could get analytical about the program. we talked about how we checked out when the audit guy was talking and she noticed his clothes too. we wrapped up the conversation, looking forward to tomorrow still, we were both having a really enjoyable time, and went to bed. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

gt

the focus for gt was going in and seeing if i made a mistake choosing deloitte. gt was my close second after my experience with them in sf and i was saddest when accepting deloitte knowing i wasn't give them a fair chance. but i was very happy with my decision and i knew it in my heart. so going here was just an insurance that i did end up in the best place for me. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

i gymed and now my legs hurt.

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

sister sister

yara got divorced. i’m happy about it.

for those of you who don't know who yara is, she a really close family friend who is essentially an older sister to me. we met at the lebanese church down in phoenix because i was just so darn cute and her and her sister had to meet me. our parents clicked and just like that i started growing up at her house most weekends of my childhood. until recently though, i hadn't really talked to her in four years. the four years she spent engaged and married to george. she changed when she married him and i didn't like who she became. i didn't like her so much that i unfollowed her on social media. that being said, i also never liked george. he’s just a pompous self-righteous bigot and i’m so glad i never have to deal with him anymore. hearing that she divorced him was so great, but seeing her without him is what really made me happy. she was smiling again, her laughter filled the room and she talked to me. her old self came back. her true self. it makes me happy to talk to her and tell her things again, see her smile again and her free spirt return. i’ve missed her so much, and i love her. 

i’m so grateful for the times i’ve gotten to see her this summer, particularly our car ride to the lebanese church this past sunday. she told me how proud she was of me, how excited she was that i went to an out-of-state school, and how excited she is for all of my opportunities. it was so nice to hear. it was that true pride and happiness i have been missing from a superior in my life. sure, my parents say they're proud of me, but they're not. i’m not a doctor, i’m not living at home, and i’m not on a track to be married by 24 and start producing grandkids. it reminds me of what pierre told me sophomore year, how they wont be proud of anything i do really so just do whatever i want. it was really beautiful to talk about it with yara, because she went down the traditional road expected of girls like us, she lived it, she hated it, and she got through it stronger than ever. she’s like a beacon of hope. she told me that the advice she would want to give me is to live up my twenties, and she’s so happy to hear that i have been. i’m going abroad, i’m getting a college degree, i’ve moved away from my home, i’m growing, having experiences and living my life. she talked to me about how i really was repressed as a child and i missed out on so much. i was deprived of a childhood and my teen years really. and she saw it when we went over on weekends, she still sees it now when i’m back with my family. that lead into a whole time talking about how i know how to live on my own know and that i know how to function and that everything works in my head and when i’m by myself my life works a little more streamlined but as soon as i get home shit hits the fan and we just clash and stuff that i would be able to do easily on my own back in slo is suddenly the most difficult task to accomplish with my family. yara told me that that never goes away. a lot of it can be attributed to us being way more chill than them. everything is a drama with them. like they live real-life turkish dramas all the time and their life has to look perfect and they judge everyone. for me and yara, we try our best not to judge, we don’t like too much drama, and we’re simpler in what we want and want to do. so we just clash with our parents naturally. it’s understandable that it’s a generational thing, but they keep telling us that we can live our own lives and do whatever we want but god forbid we do what we want if it’s not something from their predetermined one-page list of how to live your whole life. it’s hypocritical in a way. “live your life however you want we support you! but if you’re not living your life how we imagined then we actually don't approve of anything you do!” yara told me that even at 28 it doesn't stop. and that’s something i expected. elie is about to go into his senior year, when he graduates, i’d bet a large sum of money that my parents are gonna move to the central coast and follow me. good luck moving to the bay area on a $0 salary! sorry that was rude. i don't know, it’s just like kinda reassuring to see yara go through so much and still be able to find a way to live the life she wants even with suffocating parents. it gives me hope and comfort that i can manage it too. it also helped me realize how similar we are, not just in upbringing but in who we are and what we want and how we live. i know we’re going to grow really close and i can’t wait to have my older sister back! she said her biggest regret was not getting to live her twenties, and that she’s so happy of everything i have accomplished and i haven’t even hit 20 yet. i told her that she should just start a trend and live her twenties with me as she goes through her thirties and she gladly accepted hahah. she’s going to come visit me! in california! after i come back from china during a three day weekend in winter quarter, we’re going to go hit up los angeles together and have a fucking blast weekend together. i’m super excited, i just have to pick a weekend and she’ll buy tickets and we’ll have a time together. i’m so glad we reconnected.

i also have to note how amazing it was going to church with her. lebanese church sucks, because one, it’s all in ancient arabic which i can’t understand, two, it draaaagggss more than usual because he priest likes to talk about himself and not understanding makes it longer, and then three, everyone three judges each other. ever so often yara or i would lean over to the other to give a snarky comment and it made church a little more bearable. my favorite was when two girls both in their late twenties passed us to go receive communion, in honestly prom dresses. long evening downs, very fitted around their curves. first, yaaaas girls, wear what you want and feel good, but then like secondly, is this a church at 11 prom at 12 situation? like in what world do people wear prom dresses to church? lebanese people that’s who. it’s always a competition of who looks and is dressed the best. that’s the real problem i had. like wear what you want, but your reasons for wearing these clothes bother me. it was during this notice that yara looked at me and was like, how many people do you really think are here to pray for God? not many. they're all here to show off their sunday best and gossip. the lebanese church is p toxic and it’s sad but that’s the culture. it was cool to see that yara new it too. 

yara used to be a reminder of what i never wanted to become, married by 24, two kids immediately, college drop-out, no serious career, living 10 minutes away from the house she grew up in and married to a lebanese asshole. now she’s all i can hope to be. she’s free, independent, strong, determined, driven, and knows what she wants from life and is getting it. she has an established photography business now, two beautiful sons, and is still kicking ass like the boss she was always meant to be. i love her, and am so grateful for this new influence she has on my life. i got my sister back and i’m so happy. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

interview

existing rn is exhausting. our ac broke and my dad refuses to believe that it’s broken, so that sucks. second, i got invited to interview with ey. exciting that they liked me enough to so that. the kicker is that i’d be interviewing for the san francisco office, but the interview takes place in chicago. i wanted to still interview with them because i want case study practice and more interview practice, but like i’d have to go back to chicago. which tbh is not a problem for me i loved it there and want to go back. but when i brought it up to my parents my dad yelled at me and said i was costing too much money. they pay for me to go to them. the only things i have to expense and wait 5ever for are reimbursement is food and ubers, and i put those on my personal debit. so heeeeee is not losing anything. yes i know it’s extra to go to chicago to practice interviewing. and i feel bad making them pay for all of that when i’ve already signed a contract for deloitte, but like they're so rich, and i never come across these opportunities. like when else am i going to be able to go back to chicago? i’ve lived poor for so long and i’m finally getting to experience what life with a  disposable income is like. and i just want to enjoy it. like for fucks sake i think i deserve it a little. but my dad said it was rude and i’m playing games with the company’s and costing him money. like yes i know!! i know it’s rude and i really am playing games with these companies. but i’ve learned something from each of them. this is part of the slp experience and i want to get as much from it as i can. i didn’t chose to have my interview all the way in butt-fuck chicago. like wtf ey that’s extra especially since i want the bay area office. whatever i have been disproved to go. i’ll give it a day, maybe try again and ask tonight or tomorrow. but yeah, let’s be real, since i have signed to another company, i shouldn’t take advantage like that and interview. especially since after wit i really didn't enjoy it, but i do like the people i’ve met from the bay area offices. either way, i would have to go august 9-10th and that’s so close to right before i leave for slo. so it’s really cutting it close. i’m sad. i thought i would get to see chicago again, and the bean and love it a whole bunch. it’s okay. can't experience everything, and i’m used to that. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

lots of clothes

so i’m starting to pack for china. kinda?? more like getting an idea of what i want to pack. i cleaned out my closet. i started with a cleanse. just get rid of what i don’t need anymore and what i’m not wearing. there are a lot of clothes i have that are really cute, but i never wear them. like they’re 2 years old maybe but brand freaking new. and i don’t want to get rid of them cause they're still new but i’m not using them so???? most times they're shirts that i don't like how i look in them so i should dump them without hesitation, but i spent money on them and haven't gotten my wearing out of them. who knows. maybe i’ll like them more now that i’ve lost some weight in my stomach. but like, that part of me never shows in these shirts because everything hangs off of my shoulders and chest so whatever happens to my stomach (gain or lose weight) it doesn't really affect the way the shirt looks because my stomach has never touched the edges of the shirt because they just stick off of me. anyway idk i’ll have to motivate myself to try everything on tomorrow and see if i like it better on me now. i have a better mindset than before so maybe i’ll like them on me.

on top of that my biggest realization of this pre-packing experience was that none of my clothes match. this concept is multidimensional though, so let’s break it down:

1. i have no cohesive style at all. parts of my closet go together, things that i bought around the same time or in the same mindset either mentally or in the “this are the clothes i’m looking for rn” mindset. but cohesively, nothing goes together. like i don't want to wear a logo tee one day, and then a cute blouse the next. that just seems weird to me now. 

2. nothing matches. this is different from the cohesion i talked about. this is more about pieces intermingling in the same outfit. i have a few flannels now that work as throw-ons in a cardigan way but they don’t match anything except for a black tank top. they don’t match any of my shirts so i can’t wear a shirt underneath and layer up. or like i have lots of cute shorts but no tops really match them. i can't make my outfits inter-dimensional. so that’s a whole mess. 

i know one thing i want to do is make an inventory excel sheet of my clothes. i’ve wanted to do this for a long time. that way i know everything i have, and i can put in what it matches with, or get crazy and put all the earrings i have that can go with it too. but the thing is 1. i’m lazy and 2. none of my shit matches really. 

3. i recently went on a shopping spree, i don’t think i talked about it in detail yet. small backstory, it was really good. i dropped a fair amount of money buying these new clothes but i feel like a boss in them. and i like the way i look and i want the rest of my closet to look like this. that being said, i don't want to wear my old clothes anymore because they’re not on that same level of put-together, cohesive, emma has style and this is it. but at the same time i don't want to get rid of any of my old closet. but they just don't match the style i want to have, and i don't feel comfortable in most of them, yet i can't dump them. hmmmm this is a weird concept. 

so my process today was first to just get everything on my bed and start to sort out what i didn't want anymore. that included all of my high school shirts, that was a whole shelf people. it was refreshing. then it went to halving everything i want to keep to go to china. and then i called griffin and told him what i had and what he thought and i pulled out my nice new clothes and a few sweaters because he said i wouldn't need them. that really makes everything fit into one medium sized suitcase. when i spread all that was in the suitcase back on my bed i didn’t think i have enough clothes packed with everything i picked out. just by taking out my nice clothes and two sweaters i cut out 3/4 of the second suitcase. my goal is to get it to my backpack (considerably empty though), a carry-on suitcase, and one large suitcase. because let’s be real i am not going to carry three suitcases and my backpack. because of this, i need one of my suitcases to be fairly spacious so i can bring back anything, or this way i can just buy a suitcase down there and bring a whole suitcase of new stuff and not worry. that’s actually a good idea. hmm maybe we do that. cause the other option was to bring a full large suitcase and carry-on but full of mainly cotton tees and things i could just ditch in china to make room for my new stuff. that’s actually probably better. just taking that clothes i put in my dump pile to china an dumping them there. but then i want to look really stylish there. and i love my new clothes. but i also don’t want to ruin any of them. cause i can’t bring a whole lot, and i don’t want to have to wash them a bunch and ruin them before i can wear them for my internship like that’s the reason i go them. yes i bought clothes a year in advance. stupid i know. but if i keep them nice they’ll last till then and my size isn't really changing. all that is is my stomach is slowly getting flatter and we discussed this, since all my clothes hang off me that won't make a difference. my legs aren't gonna change size at all i know that so my pants all fit my legs good and if i do lose enough stomach weight to affect my pants area, i can add a belt to them. and i can wear them a few times here and there but i would mainly want to keep them neat for next summer. but, i also want to wear these all the time!!!! i look and feel so nice in them and this is what i want to always look like now and what better place to start to dress up a little more and care about my appearance than in a city that is all about that?! i just don't want to wash them a whole bunch and ruin them. the other option is to not wash them a lot. maybe every 2nd or 3rd wear depending on how much i sweat, but that’s another issue. it’s so humid there and i already sweat a bunch normally, i don’t want to ruin them from now with sweat stains because i am awful (and potentially have hyperhidrosis after some googling). mom thinks i’m crazy and said we’d just buy new clothes when i come back in january or during spring break if i come then. but i just spent so much on clothes now, i don't want to do that again. and then, yeah, i’ll buy clothes there too. but i’m not a big shopper. but griffin said you can find nice things there for cheap. and i live for that. then again when we were in lebanon i bought a bunch of clothes and they just went straight to trash. i never wore them here and just donated them at the end of the school year. it was such a waste of money. like i really hate shopping i just don't know how to do it by myself. but all these new clothes, holy shit i’ve never loved clothes or shopping so much. i look good. they fit me right. that’s another thing, i bought a lot of clothes that were smalls, some even extra small. i always would buy myself larges and extra larges or mediums on occasion, because i thought smalls didn't fit me right or that they wouldn't. i never bothered. so i’ve never really wore clothes that even fit me right. so naturally, now i look taller and thinner because i’m wearing fitted clothes and clothes that fit. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why is this so hard for me. i just wanna look nice and not have to spend money. i’m only good at cleansing my closet or going shopping if i’m with a friend. my mom never helps me the way i need or she makes me feel shitty about my body. but when i cleanse my closet with a friend, i feel better parting with clothes that make me feel uncomfortable even if i never really wore it. or having them there to shop with me to make sure i get cute things and in the right size. when i cleansed my closet before first and second year of college i had a friend with me. and then last week when i shopped i mina was working at the place i went to and she was my personal shopper and helped me the whole time. the only other time i had such a good experience shopping was with her and val senior year when we went looking for prom dresses. 

i don't know where i was going with this whole thing. i guess to just dump it out because my mom is not being helpful rn when i asked for her help or opinions. i guess my main problems rn is that:

1. i don't want to take my new clothes cause i don't want to ruin them and buy new clothes later, but i also want this to be my new style and wear them all the time.

2. i need to figure out what in my clothes match, and only take pieces that go together, but none of my clothes really match. 

so two really contradictory problems that my mom could not help with at all. thanks mom. 

again no idea where i was going with this. i’m gonna sleep now. tomorrow i’ll wake up and try and see what clothes i have can match and what i’m gonna do to have some style. it’s hard i’m only bringing 4 shirts, 3 tanks tops, 3 crop tops, 3 long sleeves, and then an assortment of pants and shorts and 7 flannels/cardigans. and none of it matches each other!! plus i think that’s too little clothes for 4 months.. granted i’ll buy some clothes there, but like too few clothes i think? who knows?  

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

ey

this was so long ago it’s gonna be rough remembering. here goes nothing.

getting in the first night was super nice. my flight was easy, ubering was simple. when i got to the hotel they gave me a warm cookie!! that was so cool! basically i just set up camp, showered, ordered room service, i got this spinach risotto it was delicious dude, and then watched riverdale. i had a roommate, alanna, super sweet girl, she came later at night so it wasn't as freeing as when i was at gt and had the single and hooked up my phone to the tv and watched kimmy schmidt. but it was still good.

the next morning alanna and i went to get breakfast. we went to this place called yolk and it was super yummy. after eating we went exploring together and we went to millenium park, saw the fountain, saw the bean!!!!!! i can't believe i saw the bean in real life. it was amazing. i wish i admired it more. one thing is for sure, i will go back to chicago. it was an amazing city. one of my favorites i think. the streets were so fun looking and it was surprisingly very safe. i had a really great time just walking around and admiring the buildings and landscaping. after exploring, and snagging some starbucks, we went back to the hotel to get ready and headed up to the rooftop for lunch. immediately, like I'm not kidding as soon as we walked in, these two professionals come up to us and greeted us. i was so shook tbh. they were so hospitable, and it was such a kind ay to enter. we hadn't registered yet so one of them even went down with us to do that. we came back up with our name tags and got lunch and sat with these professionals, they were super nice and fun. it was really easy to feel welcome everyone was so nice. after eating we played this human bingo game and had to find people that did things or can do things and mark them off just as an ice breaker. it was really cool, and a quick way to meet more people. it was here i first met alexis, and who'd have known that by the end of the night, we’d be so close. i met this professional who i thought was a student at first, but we bonded over her going to an eric nam concert. what a time. next we headed down into the conference room and began. 

the conference was alright. it wasn’t bad, but just the whole time i could not engage myself. and i kept thinking it’s okay if you think deloitte is where you’re going, you can still learn from this one. and i just could not get myself to engage. and the speakers were good, but i didn’t really find anything that i could take away from them. only one, kara, she talked about her young daughter going to sports camp and being the only girl and feeling weird and having to learn how to kick butt. it was a really real conversation and that’s the only speaker i learned from. the rest i just had a lot of trouble connecting to. we didn't have any group activities like we did at deloitte. and we didn't have a  set group. we switched tables i think 4 times, i think the point was to meet more people but like that’s hard to do when no one really introduced you and you didn't interact with your tablemates. it was just another table to sit at and disengage from the speakers. the organization of the program was a little off, i know it’s hard to time these things but they would run out of time a lot, or run over time, or not have something last as long as it should’ve. idk man i don't know why but they were just bad on time. the professionals i talked to were really sweet though. they were kinda helpful in terms of explaining what they do if you got one alone at your table, but they were better to talk to about random things. i didn't feel like anyone really knew what they did. only this one girl who did national tap, so i signed up for that as my preference. we had this like networking thing were each table set up was a different sector we could go into, and you could go around and talk to professionals about that they do but literally no one could give me an answer. literally no idea what was going on i just keep talking to people and nodding my head but i cannot tell you the difference between rap and tap. so i just said tap because that girl was the only one who could tell me what her job was. 

once the end of the conference approached we were dismissed to go get ready really quickly and then get on buses for the dine around tour. it was waiting for the elevators that i saw alexis again and we began a conversation. i learned that she was a graduating senior this decemeber and that she already did her interview with ey and has the offer to start once she graduates! i congratulated her and told her that was killer and we talked about her current job at school in florida working as a consultant for a smaller firm, and we got a little into her concerns for her ey offer because it’s in florida but she wants to be in austin with her boyfriend and was worried that people would think she was stupid for following a boy and then did she really want to leave her job because she liked the she knew everyone and likes the smaller firm feel. we reached the elevators by now so we promised to meet back up on the bus and continue our conversation. once i got back down though, i realized that she must have been later than me because my bus filled up before i even saw if she was outside the hotel. i later found out that she got on the second bus and told me she freaked out and was looking for me! i felt so touched, she genuinely wanted to continue our conversation and was looking for me. i think i was so surprised by it because another girl i met earlier we connected over not being able to engage hahah, but she said that we should talk more and we said we’d sit near each other on the bus too and she completely ditched me. so to find out that alexis was looking for me was really sweet. while on the bus though, a girl named sara sat next to me and i‘m glad that she did. she talked to me about her opportunities with frito-lay who she was interning with but they weren't giving her exactly what she wanted to she wanted to see what ey could offer and potentially switch but she doesn’t know what she wants completely yet, she’s still in limbo. i told her about all my slp’s and she told me i was really on top of my shit. she’s a year older, so she’s in a position similar to alexis. sara told me i was doing really well and that i should get more confidence in myself. she shared her journey and she had to work up to realize how great she was and that at my age, i’m doing great, and that by the time i grow and get to her age, i’ll be unstoppable. i just have to recognize that i’m super freaking amazing. it was a very empowering bus ride to the appetizer restaurant. 

i got into the restaurant before alexis as my bus got there first and i kept checking the door for her to come and and she was looking for me too as she walked in. we continued our conversation about her and her worries about austin vs. florida and what she’s going to do. a professional sat with us and she was able to give alexis the proper people to contact and gave her great advice, like she’s really lucky that that lady was the one who sat with us. after talking with the professional, alexis had explained her whole self and i had a really great grasp of who she was and what she cared for and she felt reassured about the rest of the process. we walked out of the restaurant with arms linked and made sure we both got onto the same bus. we sat together and she looked at me and said that it was my turn. that by now i knew so much about her and now it was her turn to stop talking and to start listening. this was a crazy concept for me. i’m always the listener, and i’m really bad at talking about my self and i confessed that to her. she didn't act like it was a big deal or made me feel awkward, just encouraged me to share and talk about myself. i talked about me, where i come from, what i do at school, all my programs, deloitte and how much i loved it and that they were giving me what i wanted from them. it was really nice to be able to just dump verbally though. we reached the stop for dinner, giodornos, this deep dish pizza place and alexis, a chicago native was super excited for me to have my first slice of deep dish. it was so freaking good you guys. all pizza should be like this. it was like a pie of deliciousness and cheese. i had to struggle to finish the second piece of pizza but it was so good. it was here that we talked about our brothers and our relationships with them, traveling, i shared about my excitement for china and she elaborated on her trip to europe and how she visited like 30 countries. we made a deal to travel and explore europe together and i know it’ll happen. this girl next to us was talking about how she thought the food looked “gross” and how she didn't like it and alexis and i just kept looking at each other and kept digging into our pizza cause it was so good and we were not abut her negativity. later that night we talked about how we thought it wasn't really a place to be in to not like the food. when you’re at these programs, or any event with professionals, and they get you food, you shut up and eat it all. you don't complain about it and act ungrateful. i’m glad that she recognized that too. as we left the restaurant we got back on the topic of the firms and she shared again that she did like what she was doing with her small firm a lot and we talked about the glamor of a big 4, but then if you go to one to move down to a smaller firm, if you know you want to end up small why not just start at a small firm. why go through the trouble of making the transition from big to small. we were able to connect very quickly and have very practical conversations being real about the realities we could end up in. it was the most engaged and real thing i had encountered yet at ey, aside from my conversation with sara.

by now we had reached the john hancock building and alexis and i just played tourist. we took pictures and marveled at everything and it felt like we were old friends adventuring in the others hometown. as we were taking pictures and having a mini photoshoot, we kept talking about how the lighting wasn’t great and kept trying to fix our pictures. after taking a few more, this boy stopped me to ask if i could take some pictures of him and i said of course and gave him the photoshoot treatment as well. it was really fun. i gave him back his phone and told him it took really great pictures, he offered it then to me and alexis and said he could airdrop them too us so we could have better quality pictures. it was honestly such a nice and kind act. we gladly accepted and redid each others photoshoot and he airdropped us our pictures. i asked him if he was a tourist as i noticed his accent when he spoke and he said yes he’s visiting his brother at ithaca and now they’re exploring chicago. he told me he’s from taiwan, not thailand! he clarified and i laughed and told him not to worry i know the difference between taiwan and thailand, and told him i was going to china this fall and would hopefully get to visit taiwan while i’m there. he told me to have fun and to enjoy taiwan if i get to go. i thanked him again for the photos and we went our ways. alexis and i found a spot to sit and rest as we were getting sleepy and we kept chatting. after a bit, the boy came back and extended his phone asking if i wanted to add him on facebook or something if i do end up going to taiwan and reach out. i thought it was so sweet and told him yeah and added myself. by now i should probably learn his name and he told me it was edward. i looked him dead in the face and said “okay but what’s your real name i know it’s not edward” he laughed and told me it was bi yue and i asked yue like the moon? he said it’s pronounced the same but a difference meaning. we wrapped up our conversation now and i told him i’d let him know if i make it to taiwan and thanked him again for the pictures and to enjoy his time in america and we parted ways again. alexis just nudged me and was like “ooooh” and i was confused for a bit until she explained that he was most likely flirting with me since he came back to get my facebook. tbh, i’m pretty shocked at that. i guess that’s pretty cool. go me. getting random taiwanese boys’ facebook in the middle of chicago. china get ready for me haha. we got back to just talking now. we walked around a little more, seeing the place from different angles and i told her that i would be back to chicago for sure. it was so beautiful and i fell in love with the city. we began to make our way back out to the bus to head back to the hotel. we saw a basketball team in the hotel we were parked in front of so that was cool. we just kept talking all the way back to hotel and said goodnight once we got there. 

i had made plans with tara to meet up so i dashed off to see with her as soon as i said night to alexis. tara picked me up and took me all over chicago. i felt like a teenager. exploring the city and just walking around being teenagers and seeing it at night, it was beautiful. we walked along the water, tried to see the bean but the park was closed, rude™, she drove me through the batman tunnel while playing big shot, we listened to chance as we drove along the shoreline of the lake. it was just so beautiful. it reminded me of lebanon. driving through beirut standing out the sunroof and looking at all the lights. i stuck my hand out the window while going along the shore and let it just wave through the wind and feel the resistance. it was just such a peaceful night. so beautiful. i was so lucky that tara saw my snapchat and reached out to me and invited me to show me her city. 

the next morning alanna and i talked about the program and both confessed how it wasn't what we were wanting it to be. that we were just gonna see it through but it just wasn't what we wanted. it was nice to be able to share that together. the second day of the conference, i was really just waiting for it to end. i was done. i made my friend for life, i saw chicago, i was over this conference. but i still tried to listen and stay engaged and see what else it could offer. they did a case study prep course and it was kinda helpful it really just confirmed what i already thought you’d do. then we had lunch and this small activity that really lasted way too long. it was getting so close to my flight time that i didn't care anymore. i was so scared i was gonna miss my flight. the program finally ended about 45 minutes late. i won a selfie stick in the last 10 minutes of it so that was fine, but the rest i literally was ready to just get up out of my seat and leave early. i ubered with some other girls to the airport and they were concerned they were gonna miss their flight and they were at the airport 2 hours before it. me, i got there 1 hour before mine and security was wrapped a million times and all the way to the back wall. i anticipated this and called while we were driving over and changed my flight to the later one, so once i did that the car ride was a lot less stressful. i was ready to just plug my laptop in, get myself some nice dinner, and wait for my flight that was now 4 hours away. once i get there i take my time, i change i call my mom, i get my ticket printed, and i go stand in line. and then suddenly while i’m waiting, i remember that mckenzie had emailed me earlier asking if i could call so i took that time to call her. she said she was glad i called before the end of the day because she wanted to tell me before the holiday weekend, that i had received the internship offer with deloitte in risk and financial advisory! i was beaming as i went through security. and she told me that shipla, my interviewer, wanted to call me but got busy. i was literally so ecstatic and you guys know the rest of that story. so now i’m buzzing as i go through security and once i make it to the other side, i realize, my plane still doesn't leave for another 20 minutes. they actually got us through security really fast. so i book it to my gate and ask the attendant if i'm still on the flight since they never cancelled my ticket just bought me a new one. and low and behold, they did, my seat just got moved to the very back. no problemo. so she printed me a new one and i was the 4th to last person on the plane. i made it on time and was on my way home, on time, and with gr9 news.

so it was a beautiful ending to a crazy weekend. i loved everything about it that didn't have to do with ey which was the saddest part. i loved the people i met through it, the city it was in, and the food they gave us, but i didn't care for anything associated directly with them. for fucks sake the best part of my weekend was getting that call from mckenzie telling me i got the internship with deloitte. but everyone i met was so incredibly nice, krisite the recruiter was so kind and attentive, and kara was so amazing. they were the first people i met, they were the ones who saw alanna and i walk in and i loved kara’s talk. i just wish the conference had more of them in it. but i already knew where my heart lied before i even got there. and that’s okay. i still am grateful for all that ey did for me, and i’m grateful that they chose me to partake in these opportunities, they just weren’t my fit. and that’s okay. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

reinvention

i’m reinventing myself this summer. i was trying to figure out what i was doing, what all this progress was because it had to culminate to something. but i’m giving myself my own makeover. i’m my own fab 5, my own what not to wear. i know what i need and yeah it’s nice to have someone help you along the way but i need to learn to grow and do stuff for myself because i deserve nice things. and i deserve to look and feel good about myself. i’m taking better care of my eyes. let’s be real my diet is crap cause i’m home and there’s easier access to junk but i’m dancing again and i’ve hiked so it’s a start, and at least i’m eating full meals all the time and never skipping any meals. eventually physical therapy will call me back to set up my stuff for my back. i finally have new frames that i’m happy about and will wear in public, and they look better on me when my hair is up and since they're so big the edges distort my surroundings a little so i have to look at things head-on, i.e. i have no peripheral vision with these but thats good because it’ll make me bring things up to me so it’s better for my neck and spine. i bought new clothes that i feel fierce in and i feel comfortable when i wear them. i bought a new backpack that has way more support, i bet stitch is proud. i don’t feel as guilty spending all of this money because i see the investment value and i realize how much skimping on things and being cheap on myself has really hurt me and my body in the long run. i have my cartilage pierced and i’ve wanted that forever. i’m writing more regularly, granted nothing is like this where it’s just a reflection of myself they’ve been within the slp context but i’m writing. i’ve gotten back into a sort of skincare routine, i’m at least putting on my acne medicine every night and moisturizing, and there’s a huge difference. i even finished my painting of bossi that i started the first day of second year. i’m moving slowly, but i’m taking steps to being who i want to be. and that’s what matters. 

[justyouraveragecognitionhoe]

a bird pooped on my hand as i was walking in the wilderness saturday. this is why i don't go outside. this is why i hate birds.