I don't know if this fits exactly but whatever, it'll do me good to tell someone. (Trigger warning: detail of CSA)
It's a long story really but I'll keep it short. I was raised a JW and taught that being gay was, of course, a terrible sin, one of the worst sins possible. I didn't really know what being gay meant (let alone at the time that I'm bisexual), but I knew it was BAD.
Anyway... When I was 14 we went on a family holiday to a swimming park where we'd been a few times before. This was years before I transitioned so I still thought of myself as a 'boy'. I was going around the centre with my brother (he was 12) and two men started talking to us while we were waiting to go down a flume (I think they were mid-20s).
I hadn't been taught healthy boundaries and saw every interaction with a stranger as a chance to convert someone new to being a JW; so when they came down the flume after us we kept chatting.
Next we went to a huge slide that went outside; it took like two minutes to go down this thing, it was LONG. You were supposed to go down one after another and my brother went first, then after a gap one of the men. But when it was my turn the other man followed me immediately. I was sat upright and he came up behind me, sat with his legs either side of mine, and held me by the waist. I didn't like this and tried to get away, but he kept pulling me closer and holding me tighter.
This next bit is really hard to type... He started humping me. And reached down and held/squeezed/stroked my crotch. Telling me I was "being a good boy". I could feel his penis between my cheeks... I just froze. I had no idea what to do.
Eventually we reached the bottom of the slide and he pushed me away. Only the start and end were visible from anywhere else, so no-one could see what had happened. I got out of the pool immediately and went back to the chalet; my brother was really confused but came with me.
I told no-one. For ten years I kept that day a secret, and even now only four people apart from me and the man know what happened (my ex, my partner, a friend I blubbed the whole story to when drunk one night, and my psychiatrist). I should have told my parents - but I didn't feel able to. Because I was so TERRIFIED that I had "done something gay", even though it was nonconsensual, and would be punished for it. Instead of seeking comfort, I prayed for forgiveness.
My relationship with my mother suffered after that... She used to come up behind me and surprise me with a hug from behind, which obviously I suddenly found very triggering. I would push her away - and instead of asking what had changed, she took this as a sign of me being a moody teenager, and would get angry with me. Our relationship has never fully recovered.
The JWs are directly to blame for what happened to me - along with the man of course. And I will NEVER forgive any of them.
First of all yes this story is well within the parameters of the type of posts to expect on this blog, but second of all...
Degurechaff, the amount of times I used this reaction image is Incredibly Concerning
gummygunk
areudirty
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
2087
prguitarman
yousharknotpass
kianamaiart
snowghoul
romaincrisis
