One For The Monke

This is some of that good shit

[jxson1323]

At the Beacon dance, Sun and Neptune are cradling their drink of punch outside of the dance floor…like everyone else

Sun: …Not going to lie…this is kind of lame…

Neptune: Yeah…

Jaune walks to the middle of the dance floor.

Neptune: Huh? What Jaune doing?

He has a hat in hand, that he throws into the air and comes down with a flip that lands on his head.

Neptune: Oh shit.

Jaune cups his crotch, thrusting once into his hand and popping his leg to the side.

Sun: Ohhh shit

He hits the most perfect moonwalk to ever grace Remnant

Neptune: OHHHHH SHIT

Sun: OH MY GOD

Jaune leans forward at a full 45 degrees…and doesn’t fall.

Neptune: AAAGGGHHH HE TOO CLEAN

Sun: THATS A BAD MOTHERFUCKER

Jaune starts breakdancing

Neptune: I WOULDNT TOUCH HIM! I WOULDNT TOUCH HIM!!!

He spins on his head

Sun: GIVE ME MORE!! GIVE ME MORE!!!

He transfers from his head to his hands and lands in a split from which he rises up from and bows.

Neptune: …oh my gosh…that motherfucker…he was killing it

Sun: …I fuck with him…I fuck with him…

Sun: Invite him to the cookout, he coming…

[jxson1323]

Yang: Weiss is an obvious throat goat.

Weiss: Excuse me!!?

Yang: What? All those singing lessons had to do something, it probably took away your gag reflex.

Weiss: That is no way to speak! And even if it did, it won’t be associated with a debaucherous act!

Yang: There’s no shame in being a throat goat.

Jaune: Wrong! I am the goat!

*Swallows a sausage*

Weiss: Did you just swallow a foot long sausage…whole?

Jaune: Correct!

Yang: Dude…does that even fit in your stomach?

Jaune: It does not! But I won’t allow myself to throw it up! The only way it’s leaving my body is through my butt!

Weiss: We need to take you to a hospital.

Jaune: I do not need to!

Yang: I literally see the sausage poking out.

Jaune: It’ll be digested soon enough!

Weiss: Jaune…did you take your meds today?

Jaune: Irrelevant!

[jxson1323]

Glynda: Can someone give me an example of something useless?

Jaune: *Raises his hand*

Glynda: Very good, anything else?

[misterlazer]

Jaune: At least I'm not a 40 Year old virgin.

[howlingday]

Jaune: Oh god, why did I say that...

[onyxgabriel]

Jaune: …

Glynda: …

Glynda: … sniffle

[howlingday]

Goodwitch: E-Excuse, students, I have something in my eye.

Jaune: Oh no... Everyone's glaring at me now.

[misterlazer]

Ruby: Jaune! How could you!?

Jaune: I didn't mean to-

Yang: You know she's sensitive about that!

Nora: I thought I knew you Jaune. That was just downright cruel.

Cardin: And I thought I was a jerk.

Jaune: I'll fix this! I promise! I'll go and apologize to her right now!

[jxson1323]

*Sprints out of the classroom, and looks around the hallway to find Glynda, but she is no where in sight*

Jaune: Ok…If I was a 40 year old virgin who just got exposed, where would I go and hide?

Jaune: …

Jaune: I would probably just go to the rooftop and jump…but this isn’t a Jaune Arc scenario. This is a very lonely older woman scenario…

Jaune: …

Jaune: I would be in my bed stuffing ice cream and crying my problems out to my cat…to Goodwitch’s office!

*Approaching the aforementioned door, Jaune heard the telltale signs of a emotionally hurt woman. When he opened the door, Jaune didn’t immediately see Glynda but he did hear the sound of distress behind her desk. Walking to it, Jaune took a peek behind it and he saw his teacher crouched, crying crocodile tears.*

Jaune: Ms. Goodwitch?

Glynda: M-Mr. Arc!? What are you doing here?!

Jaune: I wanted to check up on you, after my rather…cruel statement.

Glynda: Oh…Well thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I’d rather have the company of Grimm over you.

*Jaune’s eye twitched, before he smiled and took Glynda’s hands into his own *

Jaune: I understand how you feel…but I must tell you something before I leave…Glynda.

Glynda: Y-Yes?

Jaune: …I regret nothing… I’ll see you tomorrow during class, virgin.

Glynda: W-W-What!?!?

*She watched in shock as Jaune dropped her hands and walked away.*

Glynda: What about you!? You’re also a virgin!

Jaune: Wrong! I fucked my sister’s wife at her behest! I was making sweet love to a woman while my sister watched! My nephew is actually my son! We are not the same!

///

Fuck love. Fuck fluff. Only crack.

-Me

[misterlazer]

Glynda:

Jaune: *Briskly walking through the halls* Man, that felt great! This day can't possibly get any better.

*Meanwhile*

*A long awkward silence in the classroom*

Pyrrha: Jaune was right, you know?

Yang: Of course you'd be on his side.

Pyrrha: What do you mean of cour-

Blake: Do you think he's taking her virginity... right now?

Weiss: GOD DAMN IT BLAKE!!!

Blake: They're probably having super hot and steamy sex as we speak!

Ruby: BLAKE!

Blake: Relentless pounding. Violent face fucking. WRATHFUL ANAL DESTRUCTION!

RW_Y: SHUT THE HELL UP!

...

Nora: You guys wanna see if they're actually bumping uglies?

Pyrrha: ...

RWBY: ...

Pyrrha: I wouldn't be opposed to that.

Yang: Cuck.

[jxson1323]

Glynda: Can someone give me an example of something useless?

Jaune: *Raises his hand*

Glynda: Very good, anything else?

[misterlazer]

Jaune: At least I'm not a 40 Year old virgin.

[howlingday]

Jaune: Oh god, why did I say that...

[onyxgabriel]

Jaune: …

Glynda: …

Glynda: … sniffle

[howlingday]

Goodwitch: E-Excuse, students, I have something in my eye.

Jaune: Oh no... Everyone's glaring at me now.

[misterlazer]

Ruby: Jaune! How could you!?

Jaune: I didn't mean to-

Yang: You know she's sensitive about that!

Nora: I thought I knew you Jaune. That was just downright cruel.

Cardin: And I thought I was a jerk.

Jaune: I'll fix this! I promise! I'll go and apologize to her right now!

[jxson1323]

*Sprints out of the classroom, and looks around the hallway to find Glynda, but she is no where in sight*

Jaune: Ok…If I was a 40 year old virgin who just got exposed, where would I go and hide?

Jaune: …

Jaune: I would probably just go to the rooftop and jump…but this isn’t a Jaune Arc scenario. This is a very lonely older woman scenario…

Jaune: …

Jaune: I would be in my bed stuffing ice cream and crying my problems out to my cat…to Goodwitch’s office!

*Approaching the aforementioned door, Jaune heard the telltale signs of a emotionally hurt woman. When he opened the door, Jaune didn’t immediately see Glynda but he did hear the sound of distress behind her desk. Walking to it, Jaune took a peek behind it and he saw his teacher crouched, crying crocodile tears.*

Jaune: Ms. Goodwitch?

Glynda: M-Mr. Arc!? What are you doing here?!

Jaune: I wanted to check up on you, after my rather…cruel statement.

Glynda: Oh…Well thank you for your thoughtfulness, but I’d rather have the company of Grimm over you.

*Jaune’s eye twitched, before he smiled and took Glynda’s hands into his own *

Jaune: I understand how you feel…but I must tell you something before I leave…Glynda.

Glynda: Y-Yes?

Jaune: …I regret nothing… I’ll see you tomorrow during class, virgin.

Glynda: W-W-What!?!?

*She watched in shock as Jaune dropped her hands and walked away.*

Glynda: What about you!? You’re also a virgin!

Jaune: Wrong! I fucked my sister’s wife at her behest! I was making sweet love to a woman while my sister watched! My nephew is actually my son! We are not the same!

///

Fuck love. Fuck fluff. Only crack.

-Me

[jxson1323]

Weiss: Have you forgotten how you humiliated me!?

Jaune: For you the day that Jaune Arc asked if you knew how to cook and we found that you were incapable, it was the most important day of your life, but for me it was Tuesday.

[jxson1323]

Ruby: Well, anything that comes out of your mouth is stupid!

Jaune: Ruby.

Ruby: …

[jxson1323]

Restaurant Owner: Get her the fuck out of here, she’s been eating non stop for five hours straight!

Nora: But the sign says all you can eat! You lying son of a bitch!

*Jaune and Pyrrha hold her back while Ren pays for the meal*

Jaune: Nora, Please!

Nora: No! I’m not finished yet!

[jxson1323]

Jaune: Quick what’s your favorite, Warhammer40k or World At Warcraft?!

Weiss: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Blake: Aren’t those the same thing?

Yang: …

Jaune: …

Ruby: …

Yang: Ew.

Jaune: Right?

Ruby: Disgusting fucking casuals.

[jxson1323]

The Boys Ten Years Later

Ren: Anime Tiddies Expert

Jaune: Meme Historian

Sun: Former Child

Neptune: Pornography Historian

[jxson1323]

Jaune: Yeah, I’m pretty thick skinned. Just go ahead and try to insult me. Try to really hurt me.

Ruby: W-Whaa…?

Ruby: …

Ruby: If even your parents don’t love you, what makes you think an attractive 2D girl would?

Jaune: …

Jaune: Fair enough. *Puts a gun to his head*

Ruby: NOOO!!!

[jxson1323]

Glynda: Can someone give me an example of something useless?

Jaune: *Raises his hand*

Glynda: Very good, anything else?

[jxson1323]

Blake: Do you know what is the difference between me and therapist.

Jaune: What?

Blake: The.

[jxson1323]

Nora: Do you have a nice dick?

Jaune: …

Jaune: How am I supposed to answer that?

Nora: Has your dick been raised in a nice home? Does your dick have manners?

Jaune: He gets beat at home.

[jxson1323]

Ruby: What!?!?! You mean every month I’m going to bleed from my private parts!?!?

Yang: I mean yeah. It’s something all girls go through. Only way to stop it is to get pregnant or get old enough.

Ruby: How old!?!?!

Yang: Ummmm…Like Goodwitch age?

Ruby: That’s practically ancient!

Ruby: …

Ruby: Where’s Jaune!?

Yang: Jaune? What for?

Ruby: You know what for!

Jaune: You guys call me?

Ruby: You’re going to get me pregnant mister! Take responsibility!

[jxson1323]

Blake: Fuck me!!

Jaune: …

Blake: Forgive me, I was fighting some demons when I said that.

Jaune: …

Blake: Offers still open, but I’m sorry for coming at you like that.

[jxson1323]

Jaune: …

Weiss: …

Jaune: …

Weiss: Jaune…what is that?

Jaune: An alligator.

Weiss: …Where did you get an alligator?

Jaune: From Mistral.

Weiss: Ok…why?

Jaune: Well to train it to become my side kick. Me and Zwei aren’t on good terms right now.

Weiss: Jaune, you can’t train an alligator.

Jaune: Keep hating, I’m going to keep training my gator dumbass 💯

[jxson1323]

Jaune: Yeah, my mom had eight children. Seven girls and one boy.

Velvet: …Ok? And? My mom had twelve kids in the past year alone.

Jaune: …

Velvet: I have 92 siblings below the age of 20.

Jaune: …

Velvet: And I know all their names.

Jaune: Bullshit.

Velvet: Get on my family’s level scrub!