#lie ren

[wu-gang-writing]

Jaune: I wish I knew why I am always fighting my own stupid nature.

Ren: I suggest Buddhism.

Jaune: Will that help?

Ren: Help explain it or help stop you from doing stupid shit?

Jaune: ...

[siralexander23]

Jaune: hmm the desert count how many sand is here Nora, that is your first mission.

Nora: okay 1. 2. 3.

Ren: why the fuck would you make her do that!?

Nora: 4. 5. 6.

Jaune: * trying not to laugh * it passes the time

Ren: its gonna take so long!!!

Nora: 7. 8. 9.

Ren: Jaune!! It's gonna be so annoying!!!

Jaune: * snickering * I'm curious whats the biggest number is

Nora: 11. 12. 13

Ren: No she's just gonna be counting forever!!

Jaune: perhaps.. but its.. but * starts laughing *

Nora: 14. 15. 16. 17

Ren: Jaune what have you brought!!! This is all your fault!!

Nora: 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30 there is over 30 million sand particles in this dessert.

Jaune: * calmed down from laughing * see that was easy

Ren: * exasperated * oh fuck, oh my brothers.

[agentfinder]

The last chapter of “Neopolitan’s Three: an A Love For the Aegis story” is up.

It’s SFW (a little language…)

Read to the end for something special!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/86971036

[superiorsturgeon]

Ren: *serving the first meal he cooked for Team JNPR* 😌 🍲

Jaune: *carefully tasting* Wow…! This is the kind of meal that I could take out on a date, introduce to my family, and have a long-term relationship with!

Jaune: Just kinda take things slow, you know?

Nora: *scarfing down her helping* Oh my gods, I want this food to impregnate me! 🤤

Pyrrha: …it’s as if an angel descended from heaven, landed in the kitchen…

Pyrrha: …and then Ren killed it and stewed its body with root vegetables…! 😋

Ren:

Ren: …all right, I’ll agree to cook this again, but only if you learn to control yourselves.

[howlingday]

Jaune: Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Me, Oscar, and Ren were gonna go get some new gear. Kinda like a guy's night out.

Weiss: And you're inviting me?

Jaune: Sure! Why not~?

Weiss: ...I can't tell if I should be offended or not...

Winter: (Walking by) Good afternoon. Going shopping?

Weiss: Winter! I-

Winter: (Wearing bland civilian clothes) Enjoy yourself, Weiss. These moments are few and far in-between. Good day. (Exits)

Ren: Does... she normally wear clothes like that?

Oscar: Even I'm struggling to find some color in her outfit.

Jaune: Maybe she needs some clothes to better suit her? You know her best, Weiss. You up for it?

Weiss: ...Sure. What's the worst that could happen~?

--------------------------------------------------

Ironwood: SPECIALIST SCHNEE! You are a Specialist of the Kingdom of Atlas! Show some dignity in your civilian attire!

Winter: (Wearing OPPAI shirt, Poo-shape hat, HBIC dog-collar) My apologies, sir.

Ironwood: What on Remnant would possess you to wear something like this?!

Winter: I wasn't aware there was a problem until you said something.

Ironwood: What is wrong with you?! Did you even see what it said on your collar?!

Winter: No, sir. It never entered my line of sight.

Ironwood: Where did you even buy this ridiculous get-up? Did someone get it for you?

Jaune: ...

Ren: ...

Oscar: ...

Weiss: ...

Winter: No, sir. I bought it myself.

Ironwood: ...I see. ARC! REN! PINE! SCHNEE! GET IN HERE NOW!

Jaune: Uh-oh... (Enters w/ Weiss, Ren, Oscar)

Ironwood: I know one of you gave Specialist Schnee these clothes, now confess! Do you honestly think it's appropriate to treat your superiors this way?!

Jaune/Ren/Oscar: (Quivering)

Weiss: (Thinking) They asked me to go with them because we're friends. I must follow my sister's lead and deny their involvement because I know they would never-

Jaune/Ren/Oscar: (Pointing at Weiss) IT WAS WEISS'S IDEA.

Ironwood: (Death glares at Weiss)

Weiss: Dear Mother... You were right... NEVER TRUST MEN.

[howlingday]

Oscar: ...

Jaune: (Bicep curls) Oscar~! You're back~!

Oscar: Wh... What is...

Ren: (Walks in) ...Jaune, you promised that we would do this together. (Disrobes) Brothers don't do this to each other.

Oscar: Wait, are we working out to take down Salem? That's great and all, but I feel like it'll take more than just muscle...

Jaune: Huh? Oh, no, it's just that time of year again for us.

Oscar: Time of year...?

THE HUNTSMAN ANNUAL NUDE CALENDAR EVENT

Oscar: ...The what?!

BAD BOY PECS ASSERTIVE ABS SHY DORSALS INFORMATIVE BICEPS

Oscar: ...A nude calendar?

Jaune: Yup! Every year, we and every other huntsman team does a nude calendar to spread awareness of Huntsmen activities AND to boost morale AND to raise lien for charity~!

Ren: It's so popular that it even rivals puppy and kitten calendars in office workspaces. Each huntsman team is randomly selected to cover a month from January to August. We are in August.

Oscar: What about September to December?

Ren: Popularity based on the top 4 from the previous eight months.

Oscar: What was Team JNPR's rank last year?

Jaune: ...

Ren: ...

Oscar: ...It was last place, wasn't it?

Jaune: It was last place, yes.

Oscar: ...Is this last year's calendar?

Ren: (Nods)

Oscar: Can I look at it?

Jaune: I appreciate your enthusiasm, Oscar~!

Oscar: ...I see you were enthusiastic.

Jaune: Team JNPR always strives for the best, Oscar.

Oscar: ...So, who got first place? Is it December?

Jaune: They've been asked to participate every year. That's the kind of popularity we have to fight.

Oscar: (Opens calendar to December)

Ironwood: (Posing with Clover, Marrow, and Vine)

Oscar: ...AH.

Ren: Only Marrow survived, so we might have a fighting chance this year.

Jaune: True.

Oscar: That's messed up, guys.

--------------------------------------------------

ATLAS

Pietro: (Bench-pressing, Grunting) I must fill the void that James left behind...

Marrow: I don't think that'll be possible, Doctor Polendina.

--------------------------------------------------

Ren: Age wise and looks wise, I don't think it will be hard for us to outdo Dr. Polendina.

Jaune: Mhm. True.

Oscar: That is MESSED UP, guys.

--------------------------------------------------

MENAGERIE

Kali: Come on, cuddle bear~. It's for charity. Don't you want to set a good example for The New Fang~?

Ghira: (Blushing, Covering himself) But, kitten whiskers, you know how camera shy I am~.

--------------------------------------------------

Oscar: Actually, Qrow was part of Beacon, so I wonder what his photo was like?

Qrow: (Posing with Tai, Peter, Bart, and Oz, AWAKEN booming)

Oscar: ...That has to be fake.

Ozpin: Up yours as well, Mister Pine.

Oscar: Actually... Team RWBY is on the list... I... I wonder if any of them...

Somewhat: (Flexing mighty mouse muscles)

Oscar: YOU'RE NOT EVEN A CHARACTER ANYMORE! YOU WERE ONLY THERE FOR ONE VOLUME!

Yang: (Cracks knuckles) What exactly were you hoping to see, Oscar~?

Oscar: N-NOTHING! I SWEAR!

--------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, elsewhere...

Bleiss: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Don't tell me it's that time of year again! I want to see my darling naked- I really do- BUT NOT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE COULD SEE HIM TOO~!

Bluby: U- Uhm, Bleiss? They're asking us to help with the puppy and kitten calendar...

Bleiss: Be quiet, recolor! Can't you see I'm in mourning~?!

--------------------------------------------------

Jaune: (Switchin' 'tween crunches/planks)

Oscar: You're really putting a lot of effort into this, huh? To be honest, I haven't seen Team SSSNN in here, either.

Ren: Most of Team SSSNN are popu-stars. Just look at their last photo; they nearly won the popu-star vote by being popu-stars.

Oscar: Stop saying popu-star. (Opens)

Sage: (Bathing, Looking away from camera)

Oscar: ...There's no way this is consensual.

--------------------------------------------------

VACUO

Sun: Anyone seen Sage?

Neptune: I think he's taking a bath.

Sun: (Walks that way)

Scarlet: Let me guess... It's calendar season again, isn't it?

Sun: I don't care what it takes. Team SSSNN is NOT gonna be bottom of the barrel again this year!

Scarlet: I wish you used that enthusiasm for something other than being a creep.

Sun: (Ignores, Keeps going)

Sage: (Behind Sun) HEY. I don't like what you did to me last year. You think I didn't notice?

Sun: I'm a burning star, Sage. The world is always gazing at me. They seek a shade to aid in shielding their eyes. It has to be you. There can be no one else.

Sun: (Grabs Sage) IT HAS TO BE YOU, SAGE AYANA!

Sage: ...Me? Alright, that does it! Gimme that camera!

Sun: NO! Not until we're number one!

--------------------------------------------------

Oscar: It's pretty pathetic that we're dead last every year to photoshop, noncon photos, and a literal animal from another dimension. That can't be good PR on our part.

Jaune: That's all in the past, Oscar. This year, we have you AND a secret weapon that'll get a kick out of the ladies this year~!

Oscar: It was just you and Ren, right? Also, what's this stupid pose you were doing?

Jaune: Stupid pose? That's not right, right, Yang?

Yang: Snrk~! You kiddin'~? Everybody loves that pose~! C'mon, do it for us~!

Oscar: ...

Jaune: (Curls bicep) FLEX...

Jaune: (Turns down) PECS.

Yang: PFFFFT~! FLEX PECS~! HAHAHA~!

Oscar: There's no way it's actually that funny.

Ruby: Hee hee hee~! Stop it, Jaune~! You're hurting my sides~!

Oscar: C'mon, not you, too, Ruby...

Jaune: I told ya~. The ladies love it~.

Oscar: They don't love it. They're laughing at you making an ass out of yourself. Besides, that's just two girls. You have to impress the WHOLE world.

Jaune: Oscar, we are Team JNPR. We never back down from a challenge, and when we give our word, we dedicate our lives to it~!

Oscar: It's just the three of us, Jaune, and I'm pretty sure Nora is more qualified for this nude calendar job than I am.

Jaune: Don't sell yourself short, Oscar; I'm sure there's tons of people who wanna see you pose nude.

Oscar: THAT IS NOT AS ENCOURAGING AS YOU THINK IT IS!

Jaune: Alright, enough fooling around. We need to practice our secret weapon.

Oscar: Please don't tell me it's another stupid joke...

Jaune: (Curls bicep) FLEX...

Jaune: (Turns down) PECS.

Jaune: And then...

JPR: (Turns one arm up) MIX~!

TEAM JNPR GOT LAST PLACE

[howlingday]

Ciel: Excuse me... Are you... You're on Jaune Arc's team, correct?

Nora: Huh...?

----------

Ciel: This is me before Atlas.

Nora: ...WHAT?! But you, uh, you look so... I mean, you look less... I mean-

Ciel: I used to be fat, I know. However, after Bulwark Academy, I became overwhelmed with nerves that I started working myself until I was practically skin and bones... and then after my first year, I put on muscle and... here I am.

Nora: Okay, but where does Jaune play into this?

Ciel: Well... (Zooms out photo)

Nora: HUH?! JAUNE?! Was he your classmate, or-

Ciel: We were visiting his village for a field trip. He was very kind then, and I asked for a photo with him. However, since I was going to Atlas after, I knew asking for anything more would be asking for too much. But now that I'm less of what I was, I thought...

Nora: Wait! Ciel... does that mean... IT'S LIKE THAT?

Ciel: YES. IT'S LIKE THAT.

Nora: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... (Opens scroll, Taps) ...Hey, Ren. It's me. Listen, I need you over here now. Yes now. Right now, yes. Yes, now. (Click~!) Ren'll be here once he gets the message. He knows more about Jaune than I do.

Ciel: ...Nora, if you don't mind me asking, but are you and Jaune-

Nora: NOT EVEN IF HUMANITY AND GRIMMED BONED. (Twitches)

Nora: (Thinking) That's weird. Why'd my heart skip a beat?

----------

Ren: I'm here, Nora. What's this about?

Nora: Ren, does Jaune have a girlfriend?

Ren: Huh?

Nora: You see, this girl is... (Explains)

Ren: Wait, you mean... IT'S LIKE THAT?

Nora: YES. IT'S LIKE THAT.

Ren: (Sits down by Nora) As far as I can tell, Jaune doesn't have a girlfriend. When he was told about leaving to a new station, he seemed especially excited, and he's got some magazines on his dresser that no one with a girlfriend would leave out in the open like that.

Ciel: Could you also speculate what kind of girl he likes?

Ren: ...I remember him mentioning something about like girls with big butts.

Nora: !!!

Ciel: !!!

Nora: Calling him now~!

Ciel: Wait, now NOW?!

Nora: You're okay with that, right~?!

Ciel: I mean, yes, but-

Nora: (Taps scroll)

Nora: Hey. Nora: (Insert location) Nora: HERE. Jaune: ? Why? Nora: HERE. Jaune: Ok

Ciel: Don't you think that was... terse?

Nora: I don't know the meaning of the word~!

Ren: It means-

Nora: I don't know. The meaning. Of the word.

Jaune: What's up, Nora?

Nora: Whoa! So fast!

Nora: Wait! I didn't tell him about Nora yet! Crap! Ciel has changed so much, I bet Jaune would act like a total dope and not remember her! That'd be so like him!

Nora: JAUNE! Hey, uh, this is-

Jaune: Hm? Oh, hey, Ciel~! Nice seeing you again! How you been?

Ciel: !!!

Ren: (10/10)

Nora: (10/10)

----------

"Say, Jaune... What kinda girls you like in our class~?"

Jaune: In your class? Hm... I guess I can't really choose...

"C'mon, man! You gotta pick one~!"

Jaune: Well, if I have to pick one girl out of your class I like, then... I guess I'd say Ciel. The one with the beret?

Ciel: (Behind a corner, Blushing)

"Huh? Dude, she's a total fattie."

Ciel: (Turns away, Grits teeth)

Jaune: ...So? It's not a girl's size that matters, it's how she presents herself, and seeing Ciel eat and write and talk, she's really elegant.

Ciel: (Walking away quickly, Red-faced)

Jaune: I've seen how you guys eat fish and it's crazy hard to try!

"I thought you liked girls with big butts?"

Jaune: Yeah, but there's more to a girl than just her butt!

----------

Ciel: (Thinking) Growing up, I was always warned that girls gain weight faster than boys. But that didn't matter much to me since I was always fat. I wouldn't like someone who didn't like me, and hearing Jaune say something nice about me that I didn't even know about... I hated boys for a long time because of how they treated me, and I even swore off of them. But something about Jaune is different... But aren't I just doing the same thing others were doing to me? The thing I hated most of all?

Jaune: See ya around, Ciel~!

Ciel: (Waves, Leaves)

Jaune: (Messages to Ciel, Smiles) That was nice... You guys wanna catch a movie?

Nora: I learned something today. About myself.

Ren: Oh?

Nora: Yeah. I learned that I REALLY hate the idea of Jaune getting a girlfriend before I get a boyfriend! That's why my heart skipped a beat earlier!

Ren: Ah. So that's it, huh?

[howlingday]

Jaune: Wow... This new weapon fits me perfectly~!

Ruby: Of course it does! I've been working on it day and night for almost a whole week without sleeping! Heck, the only reason I'm still awake is because I still wanna see your reaction while using it~!

Jaune: Wow, that's some real dedicat- WAIT... Did you... get my measurements while I was asleep?

Ruby: Yeah! I mean, you left your door unlocked, so I got real lucky, huh?

Jaune: WHAT KIND OF FREAK ARE YOU?!

Ren: ...Why don't you lock your door?