#lie ren

[howlingday]

Ren: I ship Jaune and Nora based on their mutual interest in protecting innocent lives out of a sense of obligation from their traumas.

Ren: I also ship Jaune and Pyrrha because of her explicitly stated attraction to him.

Ren: I am a simple shipper who is easy to please, folks.

[howlingday]

Nora: The message here couldn't be any clearer: Pyrrha can't get out of this until she gets her daily dose of domestic abuse-

Ren: ?!

Nora: I- I mean Maiden training! What'd I say? Nothing, and you can't prove it! RWBY is a light-hearted and funny cartoon dealing in highly abstract and stylized urban fantasy situations, and nothing about it would ever evoke gritty realities experienced every day by real life abuse victims.

Nora: (Sighs) Now, let's watch a thirty-something-year-old woman beat the daylights out of her adopted sister slash biological daughter.

[wu-gang-writing]

Jaune: I wish I knew why I am always fighting my own stupid nature.

Ren: I suggest Buddhism.

Jaune: Will that help?

Ren: Help explain it or help stop you from doing stupid shit?

Jaune: ...

[siralexander23]

Jaune: hmm the desert count how many sand is here Nora, that is your first mission.

Nora: okay 1. 2. 3.

Ren: why the fuck would you make her do that!?

Nora: 4. 5. 6.

Jaune: * trying not to laugh * it passes the time

Ren: its gonna take so long!!!

Nora: 7. 8. 9.

Ren: Jaune!! It's gonna be so annoying!!!

Jaune: * snickering * I'm curious whats the biggest number is

Nora: 11. 12. 13

Ren: No she's just gonna be counting forever!!

Jaune: perhaps.. but its.. but * starts laughing *

Nora: 14. 15. 16. 17

Ren: Jaune what have you brought!!! This is all your fault!!

Nora: 18. 19. 20. 21. 22. 23. 24. 25. 26. 27. 28. 29. 30 there is over 30 million sand particles in this dessert.

Jaune: * calmed down from laughing * see that was easy

Ren: * exasperated * oh fuck, oh my brothers.

[agentfinder]

The last chapter of “Neopolitan’s Three: an A Love For the Aegis story” is up.

It’s SFW (a little language…)

Read to the end for something special!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/86971036

[superiorsturgeon]

Ren: *serving the first meal he cooked for Team JNPR* 😌 🍲

Jaune: *carefully tasting* Wow…! This is the kind of meal that I could take out on a date, introduce to my family, and have a long-term relationship with!

Jaune: Just kinda take things slow, you know?

Nora: *scarfing down her helping* Oh my gods, I want this food to impregnate me! 🤤

Pyrrha: …it’s as if an angel descended from heaven, landed in the kitchen…

Pyrrha: …and then Ren killed it and stewed its body with root vegetables…! 😋

Ren:

Ren: …all right, I’ll agree to cook this again, but only if you learn to control yourselves.

[howlingday]

Jaune: Do you have any plans for tomorrow? Me, Oscar, and Ren were gonna go get some new gear. Kinda like a guy's night out.

Weiss: And you're inviting me?

Jaune: Sure! Why not~?

Weiss: ...I can't tell if I should be offended or not...

Winter: (Walking by) Good afternoon. Going shopping?

Weiss: Winter! I-

Winter: (Wearing bland civilian clothes) Enjoy yourself, Weiss. These moments are few and far in-between. Good day. (Exits)

Ren: Does... she normally wear clothes like that?

Oscar: Even I'm struggling to find some color in her outfit.

Jaune: Maybe she needs some clothes to better suit her? You know her best, Weiss. You up for it?

Weiss: ...Sure. What's the worst that could happen~?

--------------------------------------------------

Ironwood: SPECIALIST SCHNEE! You are a Specialist of the Kingdom of Atlas! Show some dignity in your civilian attire!

Winter: (Wearing OPPAI shirt, Poo-shape hat, HBIC dog-collar) My apologies, sir.

Ironwood: What on Remnant would possess you to wear something like this?!

Winter: I wasn't aware there was a problem until you said something.

Ironwood: What is wrong with you?! Did you even see what it said on your collar?!

Winter: No, sir. It never entered my line of sight.

Ironwood: Where did you even buy this ridiculous get-up? Did someone get it for you?

Jaune: ...

Ren: ...

Oscar: ...

Weiss: ...

Winter: No, sir. I bought it myself.

Ironwood: ...I see. ARC! REN! PINE! SCHNEE! GET IN HERE NOW!

Jaune: Uh-oh... (Enters w/ Weiss, Ren, Oscar)

Ironwood: I know one of you gave Specialist Schnee these clothes, now confess! Do you honestly think it's appropriate to treat your superiors this way?!

Jaune/Ren/Oscar: (Quivering)

Weiss: (Thinking) They asked me to go with them because we're friends. I must follow my sister's lead and deny their involvement because I know they would never-

Jaune/Ren/Oscar: (Pointing at Weiss) IT WAS WEISS'S IDEA.

Ironwood: (Death glares at Weiss)

Weiss: Dear Mother... You were right... NEVER TRUST MEN.

[howlingday]

Oscar: ...

Jaune: (Bicep curls) Oscar~! You're back~!

Oscar: Wh... What is...

Ren: (Walks in) ...Jaune, you promised that we would do this together. (Disrobes) Brothers don't do this to each other.

Oscar: Wait, are we working out to take down Salem? That's great and all, but I feel like it'll take more than just muscle...

Jaune: Huh? Oh, no, it's just that time of year again for us.

Oscar: Time of year...?

THE HUNTSMAN ANNUAL NUDE CALENDAR EVENT

Oscar: ...The what?!

BAD BOY PECS ASSERTIVE ABS SHY DORSALS INFORMATIVE BICEPS

Oscar: ...A nude calendar?

Jaune: Yup! Every year, we and every other huntsman team does a nude calendar to spread awareness of Huntsmen activities AND to boost morale AND to raise lien for charity~!

Ren: It's so popular that it even rivals puppy and kitten calendars in office workspaces. Each huntsman team is randomly selected to cover a month from January to August. We are in August.

Oscar: What about September to December?

Ren: Popularity based on the top 4 from the previous eight months.

Oscar: What was Team JNPR's rank last year?

Jaune: ...

Ren: ...

Oscar: ...It was last place, wasn't it?

Jaune: It was last place, yes.

Oscar: ...Is this last year's calendar?

Ren: (Nods)

Oscar: Can I look at it?

Jaune: I appreciate your enthusiasm, Oscar~!

Oscar: ...I see you were enthusiastic.

Jaune: Team JNPR always strives for the best, Oscar.

Oscar: ...So, who got first place? Is it December?

Jaune: They've been asked to participate every year. That's the kind of popularity we have to fight.

Oscar: (Opens calendar to December)

Ironwood: (Posing with Clover, Marrow, and Vine)

Oscar: ...AH.

Ren: Only Marrow survived, so we might have a fighting chance this year.

Jaune: True.

Oscar: That's messed up, guys.

--------------------------------------------------

ATLAS

Pietro: (Bench-pressing, Grunting) I must fill the void that James left behind...

Marrow: I don't think that'll be possible, Doctor Polendina.

--------------------------------------------------

Ren: Age wise and looks wise, I don't think it will be hard for us to outdo Dr. Polendina.

Jaune: Mhm. True.

Oscar: That is MESSED UP, guys.

--------------------------------------------------

MENAGERIE

Kali: Come on, cuddle bear~. It's for charity. Don't you want to set a good example for The New Fang~?

Ghira: (Blushing, Covering himself) But, kitten whiskers, you know how camera shy I am~.

--------------------------------------------------

Oscar: Actually, Qrow was part of Beacon, so I wonder what his photo was like?

Qrow: (Posing with Tai, Peter, Bart, and Oz, AWAKEN booming)

Oscar: ...That has to be fake.

Ozpin: Up yours as well, Mister Pine.

Oscar: Actually... Team RWBY is on the list... I... I wonder if any of them...

Somewhat: (Flexing mighty mouse muscles)

Oscar: YOU'RE NOT EVEN A CHARACTER ANYMORE! YOU WERE ONLY THERE FOR ONE VOLUME!

Yang: (Cracks knuckles) What exactly were you hoping to see, Oscar~?

Oscar: N-NOTHING! I SWEAR!

--------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile, elsewhere...

Bleiss: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO~! Don't tell me it's that time of year again! I want to see my darling naked- I really do- BUT NOT WHEN EVERYONE ELSE COULD SEE HIM TOO~!

Bluby: U- Uhm, Bleiss? They're asking us to help with the puppy and kitten calendar...

Bleiss: Be quiet, recolor! Can't you see I'm in mourning~?!

--------------------------------------------------

Jaune: (Switchin' 'tween crunches/planks)

Oscar: You're really putting a lot of effort into this, huh? To be honest, I haven't seen Team SSSNN in here, either.

Ren: Most of Team SSSNN are popu-stars. Just look at their last photo; they nearly won the popu-star vote by being popu-stars.

Oscar: Stop saying popu-star. (Opens)

Sage: (Bathing, Looking away from camera)

Oscar: ...There's no way this is consensual.

--------------------------------------------------

VACUO

Sun: Anyone seen Sage?

Neptune: I think he's taking a bath.

Sun: (Walks that way)

Scarlet: Let me guess... It's calendar season again, isn't it?

Sun: I don't care what it takes. Team SSSNN is NOT gonna be bottom of the barrel again this year!

Scarlet: I wish you used that enthusiasm for something other than being a creep.

Sun: (Ignores, Keeps going)

Sage: (Behind Sun) HEY. I don't like what you did to me last year. You think I didn't notice?

Sun: I'm a burning star, Sage. The world is always gazing at me. They seek a shade to aid in shielding their eyes. It has to be you. There can be no one else.

Sun: (Grabs Sage) IT HAS TO BE YOU, SAGE AYANA!

Sage: ...Me? Alright, that does it! Gimme that camera!

Sun: NO! Not until we're number one!

--------------------------------------------------

Oscar: It's pretty pathetic that we're dead last every year to photoshop, noncon photos, and a literal animal from another dimension. That can't be good PR on our part.

Jaune: That's all in the past, Oscar. This year, we have you AND a secret weapon that'll get a kick out of the ladies this year~!

Oscar: It was just you and Ren, right? Also, what's this stupid pose you were doing?

Jaune: Stupid pose? That's not right, right, Yang?

Yang: Snrk~! You kiddin'~? Everybody loves that pose~! C'mon, do it for us~!

Oscar: ...

Jaune: (Curls bicep) FLEX...

Jaune: (Turns down) PECS.

Yang: PFFFFT~! FLEX PECS~! HAHAHA~!

Oscar: There's no way it's actually that funny.

Ruby: Hee hee hee~! Stop it, Jaune~! You're hurting my sides~!

Oscar: C'mon, not you, too, Ruby...

Jaune: I told ya~. The ladies love it~.

Oscar: They don't love it. They're laughing at you making an ass out of yourself. Besides, that's just two girls. You have to impress the WHOLE world.

Jaune: Oscar, we are Team JNPR. We never back down from a challenge, and when we give our word, we dedicate our lives to it~!

Oscar: It's just the three of us, Jaune, and I'm pretty sure Nora is more qualified for this nude calendar job than I am.

Jaune: Don't sell yourself short, Oscar; I'm sure there's tons of people who wanna see you pose nude.

Oscar: THAT IS NOT AS ENCOURAGING AS YOU THINK IT IS!

Jaune: Alright, enough fooling around. We need to practice our secret weapon.

Oscar: Please don't tell me it's another stupid joke...

Jaune: (Curls bicep) FLEX...

Jaune: (Turns down) PECS.

Jaune: And then...

JPR: (Turns one arm up) MIX~!

TEAM JNPR GOT LAST PLACE