Sheâd introduced her as her sisterâŠand regretted it so quickly now.
Face down in the pillow of her bed she willed her heart to stop beating, but it failed to obey her. If sheâd stayed quiet, if she hadnât gone to that bar, if sheâd not made friends, if sheâd never gone to the ReachâŠ
If sheâd never left the damn estate except on missions.
If sheâd never been so bold as to want her own life.
She could have waited for Gareth to work up the courage to ask her out. Would have never met Bria to know to be hurt by it. Never met Grayson and broken his heart.
If sheâd just listened to her father she would have avoided all this.
And possibly have been just as miserable. But at least she wouldnât have Aethenn angry with her. Had she really put Soraya in danger?
The thought ached more than a blade in her back. Reminded her that the nightmares she was having and Kasem too were her fault.
Sheâd threatened to kill herâŠright there. Maybe she should have. The Witch, Ren, just by existing she seemed to cause trouble. Maybe she was too much of a risk to leave alive.
She was going to tell Shadow. He would make that call.
Her stomach roiled. She didnât want to think about that. How disappointed heâd look.
Lying on the bathroom floor she stared at the wall putting together that the big mistake was that she had thought that Kahlea could exist outside of the walls of Shadowâs Rest. Pallas and Kahlea were not compatible existences.
She should have known. Umbra and Shadow had other names but they were merely masks put on for the outside world. The agent was the true identity, the given name a facade. Did she really have to choose one or the other? Dama seemed to do it so easilyâbut was always tense and unhappy. Ocelot dealt with it by being silent.
Was the only way to not fail to mute herself?
She caught her tongue between her teeth, considering the offending appendage. All it would take was willpower to press teeth through and remove it. She squeezed briefly but ultimately relentedâthe tongue could stay until Shadow decided how badly sheâd failed them this time.
You can grow up with them Kahlea, you can love them, sleep with them, marry them, bear their children but you will -never- be one of them.
Maybe that was the real truth. Her father had warned her all her life that she was not a Valdyr, no matter how closely their lives were entwined. She was at base a no oneâŠpirate child with no surname. Tolerated as of use, but the moment she had dared to reach out to Aethenn, to offer aide and comfort, nothing was remembered but the fault.
Now Soraya would be moved -again-. Aethenn would be in the house to follow her with those disapproving eyes. Teddy would be angry with her for nullifying all his hard work to win over the child. Wit would be cross.
She groaned and reached for the bucket again as her stomach gave her something more immediate to worry about.