And just like that, it's back. The wave of emotions has returned. I find myself staying up late so I don't have to turn out the light because once I do, I feel it all. I think about it all. Where do I even start? Im sorry for the novel that I bestow upon your eyes.
Him. I held out hope for 6 years. I held hope through his relationship, through her first pregnancy, their marriage, and finally her 2nd pregnancy. While the whole time, he told me they were rocky. He told me he wishes he could have me too. He told me he wasn't "unhappy". But then the 2nd pregnancy... you just didnt want to let go of me. That was so selfish of you. It still hurts. The 6 years I held on. Just all of it.
My dad. Since I was maybe 5? Ever since the divorce, I suppose. Now at 31, im realizing the emotional scars you've left and continue to leave. I finally hit my breaking point last time we were together. How are you so confused about what happened? Oh, thats right, because when I tried to explain to you, you disregarded my feelings and thoughts like you always have. You told my mom I was bringing drama to our vacation. You've never understood me and when you try, you don't listen. Youre so emotionally immature, you cant handle having an adult conversation with me. Silence when I left your house that weekend. Silence for a month now. Finally you send me a card as an olive branch thinking we can just sweep this under the rug? "We'll get past this" you say. But no apology. You want to just get over it. Well im not over it. In fact, I believe youre the reason im on emotional edge like I haven't felt in 5 years. Im angry, im depressed, im barely hanging on. You've churned up so much in me that I dont know where to put it all. Im overflowing. But you want to get past it. How do I speak to you when you've caused so much damage and cant own up to it?
Me. Right now, im a problem. I went from never being able to speak my feelings, to now speaking to everyone about how I am feeling all the time. I dont know how to filter what I say. I dont know how to word my thoughts and feelings appropriately. I just come across as crass. Rude. Selfish. I dont mean to be this way - I think im naturally a good and kind soul. But I have so much going on inside me all the time. I think sometimes previous incidents I never acted on, repeat themselves but this time, I blow up. I react. I say what im thinking. The problem is, people dont know where im coming from or the foundation to where my response is coming from. I understand me, but no one else does. Lately I just feel like I dont belong here. I dont feel like I fit in. I feel like people dont like being around me. My emotions are a burden. Im stuck between wanting connection and just hiding myself away for now. There are so many strategies, all at once, that im thinking about or trying. Its all just too much. Im too much.
Society. Im an empath, im sorry. Im sorry I feel for others. Im sorry I feel for animals. Im sorry I feel for characters on a TV show. I feel. I feel too much. I dont stop feeling. Other people aren't this way though. This is what makes me feel so disconnected from others. How can people be the way they are? How do they not care what's happening around them or pain theyre causing to others with their actions? How does one go through life not caring? Thats the easy way out. Not caring. This world is a horrible place and as an empath, I feel all of it. I cant do anything about the evils that walk alongside me except to experience them as they occur.
My chest is tight again. Again like it was 5 years ago when I last wrote about this feeling. But this time its not just about him. Its about me as a person and the experiences, epiphanies, and reflections. My dam has burst and I dont know how to stop it. I can try to keep my mouth shut. I can try to distance myself. But that just doesn't feel like me. I cant stand up for myself or others that way. I feel lost again.
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romaincrisis
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