i'm finished now @kaimiller - Tumblr Blog

emiliaxmarks·:

“I really dont want you to think i’m like…some crazy stalker chick.” Em said laughing a bit. She knew how it looked. “But I really do care a lot about Hudson purely as a older sister type thing. Hes more like my kid some days, but he does hang out with my actual child a lot so I need to make sure she’s safe too.” When Kai mentioned his shenanigan’s, Emilia nodded while she smiled. “Thank god, because let me tell you, it is ROUGH handling those myself.”

“Trust me, I don’t. This doesn’t even compare to that.” It hadn’t bothered her when Emilia reached out. She’d heard about her from Hudson, and she planned to reach out. Emilia beat her to it. “He’s a good guy. He always has been. I’ve known him my entire life.” Kai had been in love with him for a long time. “Look, I had to do it by myself until we were 15 and I moved here. You should’ve met 15 year old Hudson.”

#emilia #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

carewmth·:

🚗

Despite knowing they were joking, it was a challenge not to acknowledge that he wasn’t even good at defending his choices. Not that any of the choices he’d making had been the most positive. In fact it was starting to seem like things may or may not have been going down hill the deeper involved he got, which was why what Kai was offering truly made the most sense. It was like she was holding out a tray with the answer to all of the questions in the universe on it and he was stuck standing there, staring at it, uncertain if he wanted to know. Uncertain if the truth, if all of that knowledge was worth losing the safety of being unaware. Even with her assuring him that it didn’t have to be an all or nothing commitment, he felt uncertain. It was easy to say that he wouldn’t fuck everything up but it was another to believe it. He’d barely been there 2 years and had already fucked up one relationship that had meant the world to him. He’d been told enough times over and over that his decisions would likely fuck up the relationships he had at home, and he just couldn’t see a way he wouldn’t find a way to fuck things up with Kai if he agreed. His eyes lowered, unable to meet her gaze as she spoke. Kai was safe. Someone he trusted. Someone who should have made this decision so easy but for reasons he couldn’t explain made them even harder. “How about this. I’ll let you teach me how to fix a few of these up…” He started, glancing back at the car, still unwilling to meet her eyes. “You teach me, don’t hire me. I’ll come in my off days. We’ll see how it goes and if we can make it a month then I’ll come around more often. But you have to promise me that the second things become complicated….” Now her eyes had his attention as he held his hand out to her as if to accept her offer. “When I almost inevitably fuck things up for you, you gotta get rid of me you got it? Don’t keep me around because you feel bad or because we’re friends. I need you to promise.”

Kai knew how it felt to let bad choices run your life. After losing her parents, she spiraled down a dark hole that she didn’t think she’d ever pull herself out of. She lost herself in a scene she never would have dared touch had her parents still been here. They had been her rock and her world, and the loss of them still made her chest hurt and her throat scratchy. Kai didn’t give up drinking, but she learned how to do it in moderation. She learned not to rely on it at anything that inconvenienced her. Kai would do anything to pull Carew up on his feet--even if he kept falling. She’d be right there to help him get better. “Alright, that sounds like a plan.” Kai took his hand as he offered it to her and she gave him a reassuring squeeze. It broke her heart hearing that he thought this way about himself--that he assumed he would fuck it all up eventually. “Hey,” she began, taking his other hand. “Look, you’re not going to ‘inevitably fuck things up’. You never give yourself enough credit. You’ll do great. I’ll promise you, though, but I don’t think I need to. I’ve got a good feeling about this.”

#tw death #carew #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

dirbenaffleck

“ Don’t push it. “

kaimiller

@hudsonbeckett

#the safety of shoreline fading away // musings #didn’t mean to get this close // ft. hudson

avadcniels

kie + facial expressions

#meet your storm // visage

hudsonbeckett·:

“How much time do you need to pack? It took me ten minutes. I took my laundry basket and dumped it into a bag. Easy peasy, simple as that.” Hudson responded, although he did spend a little more time gathering what they would need on their road trip. “Are you callin’ me a long haired weirdo? I’m hurt. Maybe I should pick someone else to come along on this trip with me.” He stood there and tilted his head to the side, pretending to contemplate a replacement for her. “Nah, there’s no one else out there I’d rather take on this trip than you. Honey, too. I mention your name and she starts howling.” As if on cue, his husky began to howl, excited to be around two of her favorite people. “Now what’s the fun in that? Just come along for the ride. Trust me, I’ve gotten better at my navigating skills. Nothin’ like when we’d go out as young kids.”

Kai nudged her duffel bag. “Oh, I’m done. It’s all in here. I will say I put more effort into it than just my laundry basket.” She laughed, shaking her head at the imagine of him packing. “Nothing’s folded, is it?” she wondered. “Absolutely I am. Oh, no. You aren’t taking someone else.” She knew he was only teasing, but she played along. Kai stepped forward and pulled him by the hem of his shirt so he was closer to her. Arms wrapped around his shoulders loosely. As he went on, Honey howled at the two of them and she laughed. “I’ll just put all my faith in you then. I hope you have gotten better because I have not.” Kai leaned on to kiss him. “What are we waiting for? Show me those new navigation skills.”

#hudson #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

emiliaxmarks

Setting a muffin down in front of the girl at the table, Em put on her best smile and sat down across from her. Hudson told her to be nice, and she would. She just wanted to get to know the girl her lug-headed younger brother was so in love with. “Kai, i’m really happy you decided to come over here. I just wanted to get to know you since you’re such a big part of Hudson’s life.”

@kaimiller

kaimiller

Kai sat on Emilia’s couch with her knees pulled up to her chest and chin resting on her knees. “Thank you for inviting me,” she said, smiling at the woman across from her before picking up the muffin. “I’ve heard lots about you. All good things. I’m glad he has someone else keeping an eye on his shenanigans.”

#emilia #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

justifiiied-deactivated20220723

closed starter for @kaimiller !!

“you ready to go or what?” hudson asked as he approached, a goofy grin on his face. parked behind him was what he liked to call the ‘travel van’, something he had invested in shortly after graduating college. it had taken him to plenty of places so far and now his best friend got to tag along. honey could be spotted in the passenger seat, head hanging out the window and tail wagging excitedly as she saw kai. “the destination is still a secret, but i hope you’ve packed enough for quite a few days. i plan on being gone for at least a week. we gotta say goodbye to summer in the best way possible, right?” he wiggled his brows, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and placing a quick kiss on her cheek before heading towards her bags. “where’s your surfboard? i have a spare, but figured we could bring yours. we’ll definitely be surfing along the way.”

kaimiller

“Don’t rush me,” she teased. Her duffel bag was swung over her shoulder as she came out of her apartment to meet Hudson. “You know, most girls run when a long-haired weirdo pulls up in a van and says the destination is a secret. I’ve know you long enough to know you aren’t an axe murderer or something.” His dog, Honey was in the front seat. Her entire body seemed to wag with her as Kai reached up to pet her head. “I’ve got enough for about a week, I think.” Kai was on cloud nine knowing that for the next week it was just her and the love of her life. Cheeks turned red as he kissed her cheek. She returned the kiss to his cheek, and her eyes lit up at the mention of surfing. Kai disappeared into her apartment for a few moments before coming back out with her board under her arm. “At least tell me our first stop. Please?”

#hudson #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

thebellamy-kane·:

“Yeah…fine.” He downed the glass of water before going for a refill. He knew he could trust Kai and it’s not like he hasn’t divulged now and then, but tonight…he just couldn’t talk about it. He didn’t want to put that on her. “Why are you up?” Bellamy asked, quickly running a hand over his face. “You good?”

“You don’t look or sound fine, Bells.” She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders as she came into the kitchen to get a better look at him. “Couldn’t sleep. I’m okay. My brain just won’t shut off.” Her head tilted to the side as she looked at him. “Talk to me. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

#bellamy #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

carewmth·:

🚗

“Callouses? Oh absolutely not!” Was he absolutely being dramatic for the sake of teasing her? Yes. But did he not still try and put on the most convincing performance? Perhaps just a little. “I feel like a job itself cannot be inherently bad for me. I mean it probably doesn’t help being surrounded by every vice I could possibly try and get my hands on, but are you telling me if I come here that we’re never going to be allowed to grab a drink after work?” The question was once again playful as he pushed himself off of his seat to lean against the car she’d just popped the hood on. “I mean aside from the fact that it’s probably the only thing I’m good at?” He was trying. Or at least that’s what he was telling himself. Trying to have a serious conversation with her. A part of which included having to close his eyes to swallow his pride just a little in his answer. “Being around shit like that was all I’d known for a very long time. Kind of feels like it’s just built into who I am you know? Little bit destructive, ruin everything I touch and all that jazz. You worked really hard at building this place and don’t deserve that you know? Just because the shop isn’t filled with booze does not mean I wont find a way to be just as shit here as I was there. Disappointing you’d be one of those real big gut wrenchers.”

“Is that your worst nightmare?” she teased, waving her hands at him. “You realize saying that you’re surrounded by every vice ever is not helping your argument.” Kai nodded. There were plenty of times she wanted a drink after a long day, and, years ago, she never knew when to stop. “Of course you can grab a drink. I’m not saying you can’t do that. I’m just worried about you, Carew.” Kai wanted her friend to be healthy, and the casino seemed like the farthest thing from a healthy environment. “You gotta try something else to find out what your good at, you know. This can be a start. You don’t give yourself enough credit, you know.” Carew was capable of so much more, and Kai noticed that from the first day she met him. “I know exactly what you mean. That’s how I was, for years. I lost my parents and went downhill. You don’t have to keep that path.” Kai frowned. Disappointing you’d be one of those real big gut wrenchers. Her stomach hurt and she looked at her friend with sad eyes. “You won’t. Don’t say you don’t deserve good things. You won’t disappoint me, okay? I won’t hold it against you if you decide not to stick around here, but I think it can’t hurt to give this a shot.”

#carew #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

owencarterr·:

“I’m such a sucker for scary movies. Or the really cheesy horror movies, some of my favorites.” Owen signed back with a grin, easily falling into the conversation. He looked towards the Cowardly Lion as well, eyebrows raised some as he watched her hands. “The suit of an actual lion or just a lion because if it’s the first…” He made a face and shook his head with a laugh. Owen paused for a moment, it seemed like all he did these days was talk about the break up, was linger on it for too long, and he knew that he needed to just move on. So he gave a shrug of his shoulders. “I don’t know if I do or not. Part of my just wants to move on, what’s done is done, you know?” He signed back to her once more, though a rather sly look made its way onto his face. “Or we could talk about you and Hudson, what’s going on there?” Owen asked with a grin.

“The cheesy movies that are so bad you laugh at the scary parts,” she signed, laughing. The two of the had gotten along fairly easily and met when he started dating Circe a while ago. “It was a giant lion pelt. It was nearly a hundred pounds. Can you imagine carrying that around?” Kai hated that her childhood movie had so many horrible stories to it. She doubted her friend actually wanted to talk about his break up, but she wanted to ask. She needed to know he was okay, or that he knew he could talk to her. “You can always talk to me about it when you want. I’m more than happy to listen.” She offered him an apologetic smile. “Oh, god. I’ve know that he was the love of my life for a very long time, but I only recently had the balls to do anything about it.”

#owen #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

hudsonbeckett·:

“You sure we can’t just lay here for the rest of the day?” Hudson mumbled as he dug his face into the crook of her neck, the idea of staying in bed for the remainder of the day a lot more appealing than getting up and dealing with his current hangover. Despite the pounding headache, he was still in good spirits thanks to Kai. It was hard not to be around her. He reached for her as she stood, his attempt to grab her and pull her back. It was a fail though, as she was already heading towards the kitchen. It was time to follow. Letting out a small groan, he got up off the couch and stretched himself before following. “Hmmm. What do you want to do? I’m all ears. Once I get some food in me I promise I’ll be in better spirits - or at least have more energy than what I do at the moment.”

“We can go back to bed after. But, I’m starving right now.” His face buried in the crook of her neck and she giggled before kissing his temple. Her head was aching from the night before, and Kai couldn’t remember the last time she was actually hungover. He attempted to pull her back onto the couch, but Kai was already tugging him up as she headed to the kitchen. Kai had started pulling a few things out to start making breakfast for the two of them. “Always in a better mood with a full stomach,” she laughed. Kai turned to face him for a moment and reached a hand up to push his bedhead back. “I can keep the shop closed all weekend if needed.” Kai said as she started mixing things together for some pancakes.

#hudson #i've got to run to keep from hidin' // interactions

thebellamy-kane·:

@kaimiller·

“Shit- fuck!” Bellamy muttered as he accidentally banged his foot into the counter. It was nearing two in the morning and he couldn’t sleep, but he was trying to not wake Kai, if she was even sleeping. He muttered some more as he went to pour himself a glass of water. Hearing Kai’s door open, he sighed. “Sorry, go back to sleep.”

Kai was wide awake with her pillow hugged tight to her chest. For some reason, sleep seemed to not come to her no matter how hard she tried. The rain sounds didn’t work and neither did the counting sheep. She nearly jumped out of her skin hearing the banging from the kitchen. She peeked her head out the door with her pillow still hugged to her chest. “I wasn’t asleep. Are you alright?”

#bellamy #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

hudsonbeckett·:

Hearing the time he let out a small groan, closing his eyes and pulling Kai close. “Just a few more minutes, yeah? M’not ready to get up yet. My head is pounding.” He said with a small chuckle, clinging to her for a little while longer. As much as he wanted to stay in this spot all day, breakfast did sound like a good idea. Busy DJing and interacting with the crowd, he hadn’t really eaten anything at the reception. A mistake on his part. “I like the sound of that.” Hudson really meant that he liked the idea of her being all his, but the food was nice as well. “The plus side of owning your own business? Making the rules. I made sure the bar would be closed today knowing that we had the wedding.”

Kai giggled, letting herself lay back down on him. “I can make you another surprise after breakfast if you want,” she teased, wiggling her eyebrows at him before erupting into laughter. Still, Kai loved sitting here with him and letting him just hold her. She could stay here all day with him. “Come on, we gotta get up,” she groaned before pushing herself off the couch. Arms stretched up towards the sky to stretch out her back before offering a hand to him. “I am my only employee, so, I feel you. Makes our lives a lot easier, huh? Besides breakfast what should we do today? If we go back to sleep, I don’t think my back can handle sleeping on the couch again.”

#this is garbage love me #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions #hudson

owencarterr·:

Owen let out a soft laugh at her remarks. “Creepy but cool- right up my alley.” Once more looking back towards the Tin Man, his eyes wandering around a bit more from where they were currently standing. As odd as a place this was, Owen was having a great time so far. And was glad to see that the friendship between him and Kai remained even though he had ended things with Circe.

“Yeah? I’m glad to hear that you’re doing good, Kai. That sure was one hell of a wedding, I feel like the entirety of the city was there at some point.” It had for sure been a wedding reception to remember- for the most part, he really did have a great time during it. At her question, he shrugged his shoulders some. “I’m alright- I know the break up with my idea but I can’t help but feel shitty about it. Sort of questioning if I made the right decision or not. So I sort of just been throwing myself into work and now school.”

“It’s my favorite category. It’s why I like scary movies.” Kai looked at the Cowardly Lion that was a few feet to the right of the Tin Man. “Now he scares me. Always has. You know, in the movie, he wore an actual lion suit?” The actually facts of the movie itself were horrifying, but Kai tried not to think about it too much.

Kai nodded in agreement. It had been a wedding to remember, and it was the first wedding she remembered actually having fun at. “You’re allowed to feel shitty about it. It still hurts. Do you want to talk about it?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at him. “It’s just me, you, and uh,” she gestures to the lion “And him, of course.”

#kai #fear is the brightest of signs // interactions

carewmth·:

🚗

Carew couldn’t name what it was that so often made it challenging for him to say no to Kai even if all of his instincts suggested it. At times it felt like self-destruction was all he knew and he’d purposely made sure there weren’t enough people in his life that truly knew him well enough to call him on. And while he loved the time they got to spend together, every so often it had been the same kind of fear that pushed him away. Made it easy to stay stuck in places that allowed him to cycle as often as he needed. “I’m not gonna get my hands messy am I?” He teased as if that’d ever be a concern for him. Kept a stern look on his face to try and place serious but inevitably let it crack. “You’re not wrong. Frankly I’m surprised working for Jack’s hasn’t thrown a gambling addiction on top of everything else.”

Kai knew how it felt to completely destroy yourself every day because fixing yourself was simply much more work. She spent years tearing herself to shreds, and spent even longer picking up the pieces. “Don’t wanna get any callouses?” she teased, flashing him a smile. His own faux stern face cracked, causing Kai to smile bigger. “That’s why it’s bad for you, you know. Give this a shot, and I’ll match what they pay you.” Kai popped the hood of the car, propping it up. “What makes you want to stay so badly? I just want the best for you, you know? I worry about you all the time. Even if you stop working at Jack’s, you can still go visit. It doesn’t have to be a complete end.”