my slow journey to recovery

they/them - 21 - mentally ill and physically disabled - documenting my journey -

[borderlinereminders]

Definition Post for DBT skills

I am going to constantly update this post, so feel free to check back! Please note that some of the skills link to more detailed posts I've written on the topic (these ones are underlined because of the hyperlink). Some of them are Tumblr posts, and some of them are posts on my personal website (this site has no ads and is safe to use.) If there's a skill you want me to add to the list, let me know. If there's one you want to see described in more detail, feel free to request that one too. The ones I describe in detail tend to have examples to try and assist in understanding the skill.

Mindfulness: 

These skills focus on being present in the moment. Usually, it focuses on encouraging you to connect with yourself and others. 

Some mindfulness skills are:  What Skills:

Observe - Observe what is happening without reacting or adding commentary. For example, you might listen to the sounds around you and listen to what those sounds are without adding any additional comments. The goal is to focus on the here and now. 

Describe - When a feeling or thought arises, describe what is taking place to yourself, and label your feelings.. Let them go and don't dwell on them (don't judge them).

Participate - Fully immerse yourself in the activity and don't focus on other things.

How Skills

Effectively: Focusing on what works rather than focusing on what should happen, and what's right or fair.

Non-Judgmentally: This is about observing something, acknowledging it and then letting it go without attaching any opinions, judgements or guilt to it. Even if you have a judgmental thought, once you observe that thought, you let it go without beating yourself up for having it.

One-Mindful- This is the act of focusing on one thing at a time. This is being fully present in the moment with your focus on only one thing. 

Why Skills

Wise Mind - The goal of this skill is to balance your emotional mind and your reasonable mind. This link also brings you to a worksheet I made.

Tolerance:

These skills focus on surviving an immediate emotional crisis. 

ACCEPTS - Focuses on distracting with: Activities, Contributing, Comparisons, Emotions, Pushing away, Thoughts, Sensations

Grounding - The goal of grounding is to get you in the here and now. This can be especially helpful for overwhelming emotions, anxiety, panic, flashbacks and other situations. See the 5-4-3-2-1 method here.

Pros/Cons - Describe the behaviour you are trying to avoid. Consider the positive consequences (pros) of avoiding that behaviour. Consider the negative consequences (cons) of giving into the urge for that behaviour. Remember consequences from past times acting on those urges, and consider whether they would be pros or cons of doing it again. This can also be used to decide between two actions (or more).  This link also has a worksheet.

Radical Acceptance - The goal of radical acceptance is to accept our feelings, even the negative ones, and not push them down.

RESISTT - This skill is meant to help deal with overwhelming emotions. Reframing the situation. Engage in a distracting activity. Someone else. Intense sensations. Shut it out. Think neutral thoughts. Take a break. 

Self Soothing: These are techniques that involve using one or more of the five senses to provide comfort or pleasure to ourselves.

STOP - Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed Mindfully

TIPP - Temperature, Intense Exercise, Paced Breathing, Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Urge Surfing: The goal of urge surfing is to "ride the wave" until the urge passes.

Emotion:

These skills focus on understanding the function of emotions. 

ABC - Accumulate positive emotions/experiences by actively doing things we will enjoy (eg. watch a movie, go window shopping), Build mastery in new skills (eg. playing an instrument, doing a puzzle), Cope ahead by planning for events we expect will be difficult (eg. a job interview, an upcoming social event).  (See this post for a more detailed explanation of Cope Ahead.)

Check the facts - This is about examining your feelings in a situation and the facts of that situation, and rationally considering whether your feeling response (and the intensity of it) is reasonable given the facts.

Opposite action - Recognize your emotional response to a situation and the action you instinctively wish to take as a reaction to it, and instead do whatever is the opposite of that action (for instance, going out and doing something positive when you feel like staying in and dwelling on something making you sad).

PLEASE - treat PhysicaL illness, balance Eating, avoid mood-Alerting drugs, Sleep,  Exercise. 

Interpersonal: 

These skills focus on getting what you need from other people, building healthier relationships and communication styles, and dealing with boundaries and toxic relationships. ​

DEAR MAN - Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate 

FAST - Be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to values, be Truthful

GIVE - be Gentle, act Interested, be Validating, keep an Easy manner

Six Levels of Validation: - Information about validating someone in a situation which is a useful tool for healthy communication and relationships.

[remanence-of-love]

[winged-thinged]

You have to let people love you. You have to let people get to know you. You have to let people help you. Being so completely selfless that you try to erase yourself off the face of the planet and never ask for anything and reject everybody's offers of support makes you very hard to love! Unfortunately. Emptying yourself out of everything that makes you, you is not actually what your loved ones want from you, generally. They want to make you happy! They will be so so sad if you don't give them the chance. It's not all selfish. I promise.

[kaisasrecovery]

Was going through this last week, after talking with my best friend about yesterday his response was that for him, he can't fully be happy and enjoy things around someone of he can't be and fully feel upset and express that around them (due to masking), so for him it's a well worthy trade off to experience my full sadness with me in order to experience my full joy with me as well

[kaisasrecovery]

24-12-2024

My day:

Today was average, I feel like I set myself up to crash a bit today after having such a good end to yesterday. I also only got 5 hours of very broken sleep last night (woke up at least 7 times)

I'm a little anxious about tomorrow being Christmas, I'm spending it in the residential facility and it will be the first time I've celebrated Christmas on Christmas in around 6 years, at least the aspect my trauma around the day comes from won't be present, but it will still be a little difficult. I'm also a little anxious because I know my main support networks will be busy with their own Christmas plans (mum - work, sister - Christmas with partner, best friend - Christmas with family) and especially my best friend as he will be celebrating for two days with the different sides of his family

I'm now doing this while I wait for some switch games (slime rancher and Aspire) to download that I bought as a present to myself

I also got gifted a chocolate stocking by one of the other participants in the facility, which was very sweet of him, I've been spending the afternoon eating some of the chocolate and cuddling Mani (one of my gifts from my best friend)

What I achieved today:

I finished paying the moving loan back to my dad, I still have $3000 I owe him for the caravan but at least I paid off the $1234 moving loan

Let my body rest

Made a few other participants a paper crane as a Christmas present

Self validating statement:

It's okay to need a rest day, you've git to put your body and your needs first

Shadow work prompt for today:

I'm gonna start from the top of a new shadow work list so apologies if I've done some of them already

Do you struggle with showing yourself compassion?

Absolutely, it's probably one of the things I struggle with the most, I'm always so hard and critical of myself, beating myself up for every small thing even if it wasn't actually wrong.

Last weekend was a great example, I spent the night on overnight leave at home with my best friend and I had a great time with him, but I needed a lot of support and was quite distressed at times, and as our time together was ending I couldn't help but beat myself up fir how much support and comfort I needed, telling myself I was a burden and inconvenience for him and all the lovely things that come with that, when in reality that wasn't how he perceived things at all, he had a really nice time and completely understands how hard of a time I'm having at the moment and was happy to give me that extra support and care, but I lack the self compassion to give myself that at this point.

How does showing yourself compassion make you feel?

Honestly, unworthy, and like I haven't earned it, I feel as tho I don't deserve kindness and softness because I should know/be doing better

Song for the day:

[kaisasrecovery]

Life update;

Hey so um I kind of forgot about this for over 2 years, so much has happened even just in the last year and a bit

Finally worked out what was causing my yearly spirals

Changed my name socially

Came out to my dad and brother as non-binary

Was involved in a massive police case

Moved back into home

Adopted a kitten

Was officially diagnosed with IST after over 2 years trying to get a diagnosis and treatment, was also started on medications to help with above yearly spirals

Moved interstate

Found out my kitten has a heart murmur

Figured out I'm more agender than enby

Met and made the absolute best friend in the world

Move interstate again due to unsafe living situations

Figured out I'm on the aro spectrum

Got to see my childhood best friend a few times in my childhood town

Moved interstate AGAIN (3rd time in 4 months and fingers crossed the last time)

Became even closer with my best friend once we were living in the same city again

Was admitted to psych again after 10 months in the community

Found out my new joint diabetes management is working amazing and my HBA1C is down to 6.4

Was out for 1 month before being readmitted and am now in a short term residential facility

So yeah, things have been hectic, but I am (hopefully) finally getting the treatment I actually need and have been searching for for years. I was in residential for Litha (what I celebrate as a mix of Christmas and summer solstice) and will be in for proper Christmas tomorrow as well, which somewhat sucks. I did manage to go on overnight leave for Litha with my best friend though, and I was so greatful for that

Anyway, here are my two kitties who I miss a lot while having been inpatient for the last two weeks (the kitten (calico) is named Sage)

[kaisasrecovery]

30-11-2022

My day:

So I had a hard night last night and just went to bed, today was alright, I got up, made breakfast and had my session with my case worker, I’ve decided to not really open up to her because last time when I did about my ocd and adhd concerns she was very judgy, so now she doesn’t get much from me. After that I chilled in my room for a bit before going to get a few bits and pieces for the weekend from the shops. At home I tried to put my contacts in again and managed to get the left one in on the second try but it must have been folded a bit because it irritated the fuck out of my eye, I couldn’t stop blinking and I had to get mum to help me get it out, when I retried I couldn’t get it back in and my hip started being in a lot of pain and I broke down and gave up. I rested and had a nap, and then started packing for our trip. Now I’ve got all the packing done, but am tired and in pain from standing at the bathroom shaving so haven’t done my night hygiene routine.

What I achieved today:

• got up by myself

• made breakfast

• did my appointment with my case worker

• got the bits and pieces I needed

• tried my contacts

• respected when I needed rest

• packed my bags

• shaved

Self validating statement:

It’s okay to not always get everything you wanted done

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

Think about your friendships. Which ones make you feel safe, secure, and loved?

My friendship with my best friend/ex girlfriend, she’s such a beautiful person, is always super kind and caring even when she has her own stuff going on, and always makes me feel loved

i) Do you have any in which you feel isolated, pressured, or otherwise uncomfortable?

Occasionally my sister, the tension can make me uncomfortable and he shutting me off can make me feel isolated

ii) Examine why this may be and if you have any negative history

With my sister we both have trauma from growing up, and that can present itself in some interesting ways that sometimes clash with each other, and have caused bad moments/times for us

Shadow work prompt for today:

35. How do you tend to respond to compliments? Make a concerted effort to learn to simply say ‘thank you’, if you don’t already do this.

I tend to be kind of uncomfortable with them, and get a bit awkward, but I try my best to take it and say thank you, and not argue against it

I’m going away tomorrow for 3-4 days, I’m hoping I’ll still be able to do this but honestly some days I may be too exhausted, so we’ll see how it goes

[kaisasrecovery]

28-11-2022

My day:

Today was mostly okay, I went to an appointment with my sister and I got my septum piercing changed to a black one which was nice, went and looked at Kmart before a doctors appointment, went op shopping and got a few pieces and then came home and napped, woke up and had something to eat and then had dinner, my sister still joined us for dinner which was nice, and we had a little chat after dinner which I liked. I did some drawings for my sisters present, it turns out her first cat is really difficult to draw. I’m feeling a little unsettled right now, kind of in the edge of suicidal, I don’t know why, I think it’s just one of those moments.

What I achieved today:

• supported my sister

• went to a doctors appointment

• respected when I needed to rest

• did some drawing

• night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

I did well to still be kind to my sister during her moment today

Shadow work prompt for today:

Negative traits tend to develop in childhood as a defence mechanism. They’re useful at the time, but not as adults. List your least desirable traits.

My least desirable traits would be how much other peoples moods affect mine, and my self doubt/judgement/hatred

There’s more questions to this but I really don’t feel like going over them right now as my mood is just getting worse.

I wanted to talk about a song but I’m also not really up for that anymore, I’ll see if I come back and finish this tomorrow

[kaisasrecovery]

27-11-2022

My day:

Today was alright, it was productive, tho my pain has been bad, which is upsetting. My walking ability has gone down again, I lost it due to using the wheelchair more but I got it back a bit, I was able to walk a kilometre, even more if I was busy, now I can barely walk 0.6 of a kilometre, and that was very slowly and painfully, almost to the point of tears. I made a bookmark for my book today, it’s a butterfly one (my new book is called ‘the butterfly collector”. I managed to get my jobs from yesterday done. I still haven’t got my window cleaned but with my pain I decided to leave that alone. My OCD played up a bit today, but I did some exposure therapy and challenged it. One of my thoughts is that I can’t wear my nice clothes (or any clothes really) because I will contaminate them. But I changed out of my pyjamas and put on a nice outfit anyway and took some photos. Im in too much pain to stand in the bathroom and do my night hygiene tonight, but I’m trying to be easy on myself about it

What I achieved today:

• got my own breakfast

• napped when I needed to

• scraped my carpet

• swept and mopped my floors

• emptied my bin

• did training with aster

• read three chapters of my book

• took the laundry to mum

• half made myself lunch

• challenged my OCD

• took photos and posted them

• went for a walk, but respected my bodies boundaries

• will read three more chapters before bed

Slef validating statement:

My pain is valid, even if there is no visible physical reason

Shadow work prompt for the day:

With whom or in which situations do you find yourself slipping on a mask or embodying a different persona

Well I’m autistic, so masking is something I do a lot, I have thankfully learnt to not mask around my mum, sister, or best friends, but with most other people I do. I find I notice it most when I’m in hospital, I can be sobbing and breaking down with my mum in the waiting room, but when I get out the back and have to talk to the doctors and nurses I act all out together and like I’m fine, obviously all the problems are still there on the inside, but it makes a difficult situation because the doctors and nurses don’t always see that.

Some photos from today

[kaisasrecovery]

26-11-2022

My day:

So I haven’t done this for the last three nights, I’ve had breakdowns before bed every night, and last night was especially bad. I’m doing this in a different order today because I still need to tidy my room and do my night hygiene routine but I came into my room and aster is being all snuggly so I’m spending some time with her first. Today was okay, I woke up at a good time even tho I took a dose of olanzapine that has previously knocked me out, and I actually woke up in time for an appointment that mum thought was later than it was, and thankfully we made it with one minute to spare. It was to learn how to put my new contacts in, and I struggled a bit with getting the left one in but managed not to breakdown in public. I did however have a break down in my bathroom trying to get the left one in again when I put them in to get use to them, for about 10-15 minutes I was trying to get it in following the instructions but it just wouldn’t stay in, eventually I managed to get it to stay in when I pressed in on actually making contact with my eye (I was told not to physically push it in but to hold it just above the eye). Standing for that long caused excruciating pain in my hips, they have been really bad lately, and always swapping which hip is the issue. I also talked to my sister, we’ve been having some problems, she didn’t really share the problem but I’ve been feeling like she’s been cutting me out/shutting me off a lot recently from the way she’s been acting, and it’s really hurt. I was really angry and upset about it last night. But we talked, and I think resolved some things, and I hope things can be better now and we can enjoy our trip to the city in a few days, and hopefully it won’t be uncomfortable. My anger has been getting bad lately, things are pissing me off and frustrating me, and I’m finding myself wanting to yell and scream, which is not something I like to do. I was quite angry and agressive (not at people) last night, and I hated so much and ended up directing that anger and aggression towards myself, which is not great, I’ve started self harming more again since my anger has been getting worse. I lied and didn’t put it on my diary card last time because I didn’t want it to be a big deal with my therapist, but I did it substantially more last night so I don’t think I can get away with not recording it agin.

What I achieved today:

• got up at a good time

• went to my optometrist appointment

• regulated myself in the appointment

• talked to my sister about what’s bothering me

• decided to try and get into reading

• wore my contacts to get used to them

• went for a little walk

• did some drawing to work on my sister’s Christmas present

• will tidy my room

• will do my night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

Excruciating pain is not normal, and I should respect my bodies boundaries and I don’t need to just toughen up

Shadow work prompt from the 23rd:

Who regularly (or last) belittles and downplays your emotions?

Thankfully that is not a common occurrence in my life, but if it had to be any one it might be my mum, she does do it much, but sometimes she says the wrong thing, or doesn’t see things the way I see it or see what I see happen (all of those things happened last night and were big parts of my breakdown)

i) How does it make you feel?

Really not great, it hurts a lot, like a lot a lot. It caused more distress last night then what I was actually in hospital for and it made everything 10x worse, I felt betrayed, and rejected, and crazy, it made me not want to be near her and I didn’t want to go home

Shadow work prompt for the 24th:

Think about unhealthy relationships you have currently or have had previously, what is the common theme?

Me loving the person, and being willing to overlook the unhealthy things because I don’t want to lose them

i) Why do you think you find yourself in this kind of dynamic?

I used to have a very anxious attachment style, and the second someone showed me a little bit of love I was attached, I was so deprived of care when I was little that anytime I get a smidge of it I cling to it, even to my own destruction

ii) How can you recognise and avoid allowing this type of relationship to develop?

If I get instantly attached, and my mood is dependent on their actions that’s a big red flag and means I need to take a step back and look at things, I also have a deal in place with my sister that if we see anything dodgy in each others friendships/relationships we tell the other person, because we’re aware that in the moment we can both be blind to the red flags

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

What emotions tend to bring out the worst in you?

Anger

i) why do you think that is?

It turns me into my dad, I am loud and yell a lot, I punch myself or more recently walls (never someone else) I hate being angry and how I become when I’m angry

Shadow work prompt for today:

When have you been self-sabotaging or destructive in your life?

I don’t know if I self sabotage too much, but I can be quite destructive towards my self with self harm when I’m really upset/angry

i) Examine how you were feeling how you were feeling at the time and what triggered the behaviour.

I’ll use last night, so last night I went into overwhelm/a meltdown, and I got agent when my bottle knocked over and I threw it, which scared my mum and then I felt so horrible and dangerous, like I can’t be around people, this lead to being angry at myself and feeling like I’m a bad person which led to self harm. Later at the hospital she said something that really hurt and upset me, and made me very angry and I went back into self harm mode again

Here’s some cute photos of the neighbours pets to lighten the mood

[kaisasrecovery]

22-11-2022

My day:

Today was productive but also still sad, I got some jobs done and I’m all caught up for this week, but I still felt quite down and low. I’ve missed my brother a lot recently, I was on a call with him for hours last night and crying to him because I missed him, and he’s been on my mind today. I struggled with a little bit of paranoia this morning during my therapy session because my laptop was playing up, but thankfully the trusty shut down and restart fixed the issue and I was able to move on. I’ve gotten upset a few times today, over the bus system in my town making no sense, and being overwhelmed at everything that is “wrong” with me and that most of it has no easy answer/treatment. I’m now in bed and am honestly just gonna try and distract for the rest of the night until I go to sleep

What I achieved today:

• did some drawing

• cleaned my bedside table

• organised my job/task list

• went for a walk

• had a bath

• did some research on training my cat

• made myself a snack

• did my night hygiene routine

Self validating statements:

Things can be okay as they are, and I don’t need to be different

Shadow work prompt for the day:

What is your definition of failure?

For part of me I would say when I can’t get everything done that I need to, but a more realistic answer would be when you don’t try your best

Some cute cat cuddles from today

[kaisasrecovery]

21-11-2022

My day:

So I don’t post yesterday, it wasn’t a great day and at the end of it I just wanted to crawl into bed so that’s what I did. We restarted the experiment from last night, and I woke up today feeling better. I was able to get my own breakfast (something I couldn’t do yesterday), and I even got some jobs done, before I was stuck down by a migraine. I spent most of the afternoon resting trying to get the migraine to go away, and it thankfully finally has. I managed to get up and eat some dinner and watch a show with mum, and now I’ve done my night hygiene routine and am going to draw until I’m ready for sleep, because I haven’t done that in a while.

What I accomplished today:

• getting my own breakfast

• scrapped my carpet

• swept, vacuumed and mopped my floor

• did my DBT homework

• came up with a productivity plan

• a tiny bit of colouring

Self validating statement:

It’s okay to rest even if you have more you want to do, and especially when you’re ill

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

Which traits would you least wish to be described as having?

I really do not want to be described as annoying, or obnoxious. Those would probably be the worst ones to me

i) Why would it be so terrible?

For me, I was raised being told I was constantly in the way, or I was too much, so I guess if I was to be called those things it would feel as if I failed what was ingrained into me

Shadow work prompt for today:

Do you have similar traits or traits you share with your parents or childhood caregivers?

Haaaa yes, some of them are good, but some of them are unfortunate

i) Is this a conscious decision? In what ways would you like to emulate them?

I don’t think it’s really a conscious decision, I think most of it is inherited/ingrained (such as my dads temper), for ways I would like to emulate them, I would like to emulate my mums patience, she’s so kind and patient and gentle (most of the time), I can’t even be as patient to myself as she is to me. For my dad, I honestly don’t think there’s much I’d like to emulate, maybe his work ethic?

ii) How do you actively choose (or try) to be different?

I am constantly trying to be different than my dad, especially is temper/anger, mine is very similar, and I have to work hard to keep it under control and not let it burst

Here is some photos of aster from our snuggles today, I feel like the first photo gives off “grandad falling asleep in his armchair” vibes

[kaisasrecovery]

19-11-2022

My day:

Honestly today wasn’t the best, nothing bad happened but coming off two good days to feel it all slipping away again wasn’t great. I didn’t really do anything today, just laid in bed all day. We watched a movie as a family during dinner and it was my sisters idea, which was really nice. While doing my bath with mum I was talking about how I don’t want to go back to how things were before the last two days, and I realised that the only thing that was different that could’ve caused the good days was that I had a super low dose of olanzapine 3 nights ago, and the following two days were the good ones. I’ve also figured out olanzapine seems to last in my system for two days (all of the times I’ve taken olanzapine at a higher dose I’ve just slept for the next two days). After this discovery my mum and I decided we’re going to run an experiment, I’m having 1.25mg of olanzapine tonight, and we’ll monitor how I go over the next three days. If I drop of on day 3 again then I’ll have another dose, and will continue to have a dose every second night. We will then discuss the results with my doctors and can hopefully figure something out. The last two days were the easiest/most normal days I’ve had in a long time, and it’s allowed me to control my diabetes in a way I haven’t been able to do for more than 3 years, and that’s amazing. I don’t want to lose that again.

What I achieved today:

• got myself a sausage and egg muffin

• did a bath

• did my night hygiene routine

• drank all my water

Self validating statement:

It’s okay if not every day is productive

Shadow work prompt of the day:

Think again about those memories of shame. Close your eyes and take yourself back to when you were at your very worst. Relive the feelings of that time. Now look around and see how far you’ve come.

For me those memories of shame from yesterday and the time I was at my worst were different times. But I’ve still come a long way from when I was at my worst, I was 15/16, having seizures multiple times a week, being on the edge of psychosis constantly, with full episodes regularly, in hospital weekly, and requiring admissions to psych wards every 3 months. I’m now 19, turning 20 in less than 3 months, have only had one seizure in more than 2 years, and have only been admitted to hospital twice this year (10 less times than last year). I still have a long way to go, and things are still insanely difficult at times, but this has made me see how far I’ve actually come, and I’m kind of proud of it.

A photos of aster cuddling in my lap today, just cause she’s cute

[kaisasrecovery]

18-11-2022

My day:

I had group therapy to start today off which always sucks, but I got through it. I did some op shopping with my mum and sister which was nice, and my sister and I continued to look around town while mum had an appointment. We walked from the main street to kmart, I had to keep stopping a lot due to pain, which I don’t exactly like, but I’m trying to be easy on my body and listen to it. I had a nap when we got home, and then spent the night in the lounge room, my sister joined us for dinner and we watched some minions shorts. The set times for the festival my sister and I are going to next month we’re finally released so after the minions shorts we planned our day. I then went to my room and tidied up a little bit and tried to fix my defuser, which caused a lot of pain again and started to get overwhelmed because it wasn’t working. That mixed with not being able to find my new toothpaste stressed me out a little bit and I’m on a little bit of an edge, but I’m hoping to just relax and get it under control again. Oh another thing, my diabetes has been great over the last two days, I’m remembering to bolus for everything (something I’ve always struggled with) and my bloods have been under 11.4 for more than 48 hours. I have however been having some hypos now that my bloods don’t have as much room to go down, one yesterday and two today (having my second right now), but hopefully we’ll be able to adjust my rates a little and work things out.

What I achieved today:

• went to DBT group

• worked out how long to heat my sausage and egg muffins for

• put on sunscreen

• walked around the op shops, to Kmart and through central

• respected my body and it’s needs

• planned my sister and my’s festival day

• tidied my room

• got my defuser working (with mums help)

• did my night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

It is okay that I had to take breaks today, and I did well to listen to my body and take care of it

Shadow work prompt for today:

What memories being you shame?

It’s not one I think about a lot, but something I told my sister recently. There was a time when I was 12 that I had a friend who was self harming (something I also did), and in a desperate attempt to convince her to stop, I told her that if she did it then I would do it (I know, extremely manipulative and not something I am proud of)

i) Think about who you were then, what led to your behaviour, and how you’ve changed since.

I try not to be too hard on myself, I was just a little kid, and I was still learning how to do things and what’s acceptable. I was faced with a concerning situation that I didn’t know how to handle and wanted to give my friend a reason to stop. She pointed it out at the time that what I said wasn’t okay, and that’s not how it works, and when she said that it did click in my brain that she was right, but especially since I’ve grown I know now why I was wrong to say that.

[kaisasrecovery]

17-11-2022

My day:

My day started with cuddles from my baby again, that was very nice. The early day was pretty easy, I had my first day with my prepared food and I was able to get breakfast myself, I think it’s going to be a little bit if trial and error on how to heat up my sausage and egg muffins the best way, but that’s okay. I tried to go back to sleep for a little bit but I can’t remember if it worked or not. My sister and I had our date which was nice, it helped us build our relationship back up a bit after the events from earlier this week. We came home and I rested and then watched tv with mum before going for a walk by myself, and I did really well, it’s the furthest I’ve walked in a long time, and included a decent hill. Mum and I did my bath for the first time in a few days due to the OCD thoughts, it was a bit of a struggle but I got through it and didn’t act on the compulsions. I’ve just done a tidy up and my night hygiene routine, I want to start doing a chamomile oil defuser at bed time and we finally got the oil today but I discovered my diffuser isn’t working and can’t be bothered dealing with that right now.

What I achieved today:

• got my own breakfast, lunch, and dinner

• put on sunscreen before going out

• had a date with my sister

• went for a long walk by myself

• had a bath

• tidied up my room

• did my DBT group homework

• did my night hygiene routine

• had great control of my blood sugar and bouls’d for everything I ate

I think that’s a pretty successful day!

Self validating statement:

Just because I functioned well today doesn’t mean I’m failing other days

Shadow work prompt for today:

Do you generally feel less than, better than, or equal to others? Explore this.

Although I’m getting better at it, I still generally feel less than others. I think this is due to being treated as if I was below everyone else for a lot of my childhood, but I am slowly unlearning this mindset.

Have a nice photo I took from a spot my sister and I sat during our date at the lake

[kaisasrecovery]

16-11-2022

My day:

So I had a massive breakdown last night, as I have been most nights recently, so didn’t post. My day started out a lot better today with my beautiful cat snuggling up to me in my favourite way. It was so sweet and I loved the cuddles. I’ve had a mostly productive day, and no breakdowns or set backs! But am in a decent bit of pain now, I’m not sure if I’ll manage to do my night hygiene routine to Iggy or if I’m in too much pain, I’ll try and do some of it at least.

What I achieved today:

• meal prepped sausage and egg muffins from scratch

• meal prepped apple blueberry and hazelnut muffins

• meal prepped a few over night oats

• napped when my body needed rest

• cleaned some sticky earphones and charger cord

Self validating statement:

I did really well coping through all of my cooking today

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

What most frightens you?

I think being a burden frightens me most

i) How might you be able to expose yourself to that fear in a safe way?

I could probably accept more help, which is something I would like to/should do, but is terribly scary

Shadow work prompt for today:

What misconception do people have about you?

Honestly I don’t really know, maybe some people think I’m stronger than I am

i) How does that make you feel?

It’s nice that they think I’m so strong, but sometimes I’m worried that means they’ll expect more of me and I’ll disappoint them

Here’s one of my favourite photos of baby aster, she’s so cute, sweet and peaceful in this one ♥️

[kaisasrecovery]

14-11-12022

My day:

So I missed two days of this, they were both really hard shitty days. Today has also been hard. I had my doctors appointment this morning that went alright, we talked about my mental health a lot and she’s quite concerned. Then we came home and rested for a bit before going to the shops, but right at the start there was an incident with my mum and sister where they both raised their voices had a panic tone and jumped at me and it scared me quite a bit, when I tried to explain why I was scared my sister got quite defensive which made things worse, so I felt like shit for the whole trip and wanted to shit off. When we got home I laid in bed and cried for a bit before having a nap, when I got up I did my diary cards and had dinner then went for a walk. I was in a lot of pain so I didn’t even make it half way, and when we came back I had a massive breakdown that lasted a few hours (I’m just coming out of it now) I was first upset about getting me food that I can make myself for breakfast, and then about my bathing situation. I haven’t been able to have a bath in days because the last time I did one I sat there scrubbing one arm for 10 minutes before having a breakdown for an hour over it still not being clean enough and thought about it for the rest of the night, so now my brain won’t let me do it at all. Then I was upset about all the jobs/tasks, mums being saying to give them to her but she doesn’t have the time/energy to do them either, she can hardly keep up with everything there already is, that turned into a fight after me expressing that it always feel like she’s dismissing my concerns when all she says is “it’s fine”. I then felt like I was just the problem for not wanting to live in a mouldy house or have my cat eating/drinking from mouldy bowls since everyone else seems fine with it and it made me pretty suicidal, feeling like I was just the problem. I ended up self harming a bit with the only thing I had available (not mentioning what it was) and say in bed and cried for 2 hours. Mum has now cleaned the laundry and all the cat stuff which I’m thankful for but I still feel like shit.

What I accomplished today:

• morning hygiene routine

• made myself lunch

• did my diary cards

• went for a little bit of a walk

• night hygiene routine

Self validating statement:

My cats and I deserve to live in a clean and safe environment, and I’m not demanding too much to want that to be met

Shadow work prompt for the 12th:

Describe a relationship you walked away from. Write down the reasons it’s been a positive life choice.

The most recent was with an ex boyfriend, we stayed friends for a while afterwards but he started treating me really shit, and not respecting the deals and agreements we had, he knew what I needed and expected of the relationship and even tho they were very basic requests he broke them, so I decided I didn’t deserve to be treated like that, and when I left he tried to make me the bad guy and blame it on me to our mutual friend (who is now my sister and moved out from his house into mine)

Shadow work prompt for yesterday:

Describe yourself with objectivity.

I’m not really sure what to say here, I struggle with a lot of tasks, but I care for people a lot, sometimes to a downfall.

How easy was this task?

Kinda tricky, but I came up with it alright (tho I’m not sure if I really answered the question correctly)

Do you know who you truly are?

Honestly? I don’t know if I do, I’m quite detached from myself a lot and kind of just go off what other people say about me

Do you like who you are?

Not really, I don’t like how limited I am by things and how much I struggle, and I don’t like the way my brain functions

Shadow work prompt for today:

What person has hurt you the most in your life?

My ex best friend George, our friendship and what happened still haunts me

Write them a letter telling them all the things you’d like to say.

George, you’re an absolute peace of shit, I hate you with my whole body, but the worst part is that some of my heart still loves you. That day you SA’d me has lived with me and still haunts me 6 years later. I’m still  tortured by dreams with you, half of them good we’re we make up, half of them horrible with you attacking me, all of them bad in some way. I wish you knew how much you hurt me, but you probably don’t care, I was just one of your many victims, even tho you were my best friend for a year and half, the first person I trusted again, the first person I opened up to, the first person that made me feel loved and worthy of care and compassion. Then you broke all that and you taught me that all I’m good for is sex, and to get what you want around me. The rumour spread around school that someone in my grade slept with someone in your grade, and the one in your grade finally got what they had been wanting for months, but the girl in my grade didn’t live up to expectations and was disappointing, and they were just a shitty prostitue. So thanks for that, thankfully they didn’t figure out it was me but I could never go back. Then when David confronted you you blamed it all on TJ, who was also a rapist piece of shit, but you knew what you did, you admitted it to me over text, but played it off like it was someone else. I hate you, I hate you’re guts, you don’t deserve a nice life for everything you did to me and those other girls. I should’ve listened when I was warned after what you did to Ali, but I was naive, and I loved you, I wish I never met you, you monster.

Ha sorry that was a bit long and a bit intense, if you can’t tell, I’m still quite affected by that whole situation

Anyway, here’s some photos of my cat to cheer us up, she has an instagram now, little_asterroid

I didn’t listen to music today so unfortunately I don’t have a song, so I guess goodbye for tonight

[kaisasrecovery]

11-11-2022

My day:

I didn’t go to group this morning, I was way too tired so decided to sleep for a little longer but when I woke up had a headache that felt like an ice pick in my head, and that type of headache always gets worse with the pitch of the noise from the computer. My sister and I were gonna do some photos but the place we wanted to do them is being used this weekend so we can’t, that was kind of upsetting, and my sisters mood dropped a bit and it kind of affected me. I managed to not let it pull me down too far though. My sister and I ended up playing unravel two for a while though which was nice, I really enjoy playing games with her. Just before our walk we discovered that a band we will be seeing at a festival next month is also playing a side show in the area we’re in the night before, so after our walk I did some researching and booked another nights accommodation, bought our tickets for the side show, and also booked out tickets for our ride to the city, it was stressful but I coped. I just realised I haven’t done my job of readjusting my jobs/tasks that I said I would do today, I will see how I go with it otherwise I will try and do it tomorrow. I had a moment of thinking about someone from my past while listening to a song, but I just tried to keep repeating the lyrics “I’d rather dream ‘bout all the things we’d see than have you seeing me, I’d rather dream ‘bout all the things we’d do than having you doing me” because I feel it’s fitting, tho I would love to just not dream about him at all. There is also a line “I don’t lack imagination to my own god damn frustration” which also feels very accurate, as quite often my imagination can haunt me.

What I achieved today:

• spent quality time with my sister

• found the best accommodation for us

• did my night routine

Self validating statement:

It’s okay to have a day of rest when you need it, and spending time with loved ones is just as important

Shadow work prompt for the day:

Do you consider yourself confrontational? Why? Is this something you’re proud of or would you prefer to be different?

I am definitely non confrontational, I hate confrontation of any kind. I think I grew up with any mild confrontation indicating I was in danger, so it’s something I’ve learnt to avoid. I’m glad I’m not confrontational, I feel that wouldn’t be fun for anyone, but I’m not overly proud of it either.

i) Would others be more likely to describe you as confrontational or a pushover? How would you preferred to be viewed?

More likely I would be described as a push over, but thankfully that is an area I’m getting better at, and I would prefer to be viewed as standing up for myself and my needs more than when I was young these days.

Here’s some photos of my cat from this afternoon