I just remembered that waterproof mascara is an option.

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@kaiyaangel
I just remembered that waterproof mascara is an option.
I had an extremely freeing moment at work today. I very much understand, to a degree, it was likely driven by grief, but I still felt of sound mind in the moment, just less filtered, I guess. I was speaking to a director who was asking me how the recording function worked on our meeting software. I realized in that moment I just couldn't be bothered to give a shit about the issue. Just Google it..shesh! It was like my brain overloaded because too many words were used to describe the issue and her request for help. I apologized to her for my "less than pleasant attitude at the moment" and stated that "I just couldn't seem to make myself care about this shit". I have given a majority of my life to this role, and even when I can't stop caring, the company will never care about me. I am seeing this more than ever before with how they are handling the passing of my friend and teammate. I felt like that guy who gets hypnotized to stop stressing out about his job in the movie Office Space and just lets loose with 'The Bobs'. The director was actually kind about it. She chuckled and agreed it was ridiculous. I still helped her but let her know I was pretty much done with everything the company has been putting us through.
I am always kind. I am always on call, always. I have always asked others how I can help them and am striving always to continue learning new skills for the benefit of my employer (and myself since they are transferable). I basically sleep with my phone in hand, ready to sit up and deal with any issue that might come up. My other teammate and friend, bless her heart, knows I have a sleeping disorder, and that you just have to keep hitting redial till I come around. Any disaster (literal and figurative), any crazy issue that comes up... call Kitty, she will answer..she will know what to do..
I received such a call on new years eve day when I was taking a midday nap. My manager called and explained the issue. I reminded him we were in a tables freeze and we couldn't proceed. He then explained he understood, and that is why he was calling me, so we could escalate up to VP level for approval to make changes during a freeze. And my immediate unfiltered response was "are we really doing this??". I laughed it off and apologized, stating he caught me asleep on my DAY OFF.
He has always been kind and supportive. Along with the nice director lady, i let loose on today. But damn, I just can't seem to care about this shit anymore. I'm in it for the greater good, but I'm going to be less stressed and measured in the correctness of my responses. Like the sayings about being stupid.. that it should hurt, and if you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. Buckle up peeps...it's about to get wild.
I did tell my manager the other day that "when he looks back on this time, to please give me grace and to forgive the crazy things I may have said, just blaming it on a temporary lapse in sanity". It just feels so good to give it straight, no bullshit, no pulling punches. It is very liberating! I just have to be careful that I don't find myself liberated from my job altogether.
I have moments where I am just blindsided by a wave of sadness, and all I can do is cry. It is still grief for the death of my friend, but now I find myself contemplating so many questions and struggles regarding life and death. Apparently, i was living my life blissfully ignorant and as if death didn't exist. It is overwhelming when it happens, so I sit in my car or hide in the bathroom and do the ugly cry. I have a daughter, and I don't want her to see me always so broken. She knows I am sad and I miss my friend very much. But I don't want her to see how broken I feel. And I am trying not to slip down into overwhelming and paralyzing fear and anxiety. I am looking for a professional to talk to but it is hard not to put myself second with us being overwhelmed still at work with trying to maintain without my mentor and with my responsibilities as a mother. I guess all these personal things I type here are just cathartic and a reminder to myself when I look back. Sorry if that isn't how this place works.
Today, I learned there is a set timeline for grieving, and I am taking too long.
Today, I received a frantic call from my teammate telling me our other teammate/friend had died. I have known this person for over 20 years. She helped shape me into the person I am today. She was my mentor and friend. I have learned so much in life from her both professionally and personally. My first words were, "No, she can't die. She is the person who tells death to f*** off." She was my rock. But now I have the impossible task of trying to keep things at work going while I mourn her as a friend. I am still in shock. I seriously thought she was unstoppable. I have been trying to keep busy, but every thought I have goes back to her. I can still hear her voice. She was an amazing person, and I don't know how we will be able to keep going without her.
While heading to the office today, I fell down near the sidewalk as I was crossing the street. I dropped my water spilling it all over as I obliterated the cup with my body weight.
It wasn't so much the embarrassment of what happened, or the shock that the person near me kept going and walked AROUND me... it was the realization that falling down as you get older is super fucking painful. I went down HARD and torn up my knee in the process.
I laid there for a moment before collecting myself and making it the remaining blocks as I bled through my pant leg...
I am definitely at a low point. Listening to an asmr video of a person talking soothingly. Just so I can hear someone say the words, "Everything will be okay." And I didn't expect the amount of tears in response to them asking me, "Friend, are you okay?".
141 x POC!GN Intelligence Operative - Joint Mission Author's Notes: This was supposed to be short but I had an epiphany after I finished Warnings: MDNI, Angst
This was a standard joint mission. Two teams, one task, in and out, and it's done. So why did John Price feel so nervous?
The mission seemed pretty straightforward and the new guys seemed formidable. Not at the same caliber as the 141, but they're getting there.
Really, everything looks fine, so why is he nervous?
Things are getting good!!! Thank you, thank you!!
The way my brain is wired reminds me of the movie 50 First Dates. I go to sleep and start the next day not remembering all the shit that happened the previous day. At least the things that are accompanied by heavy or strong emotions. I think I need to start writing notes to myself or recording things so I can remember them the next day and actually work towards solving the issue versus forgetting it and thinking all is right in the world. And then when things get bad again (which they do when you don't address the issue and try to fix it), my brain gets overwhelmed and just melts. Then it's like I just sit and exist for a while till I pass out then wake to start a new day with no issues other than a lingering headache and swollen eyes from crying myself to sleep. I just kick into autopilot and keep things going for everyone.
It is the worst cycle to be in and is debilitating when times get tough which causes stress that brings out strong emotions from everyone.
I think my brain is broken. And I'm just so sad and numb again. I need to remember to read this post tomorrow. And know this is not okay, it won't go away, and something needs to change.
sworn sword
knight!könig x plus-size!fem!reader
part 1
there has been civil unrest in the kingdom, prompting the king and your father to hire a knight to protect you. thankfully it is a knight you already know.
tw: fem reader, plus size reader, mentions of body image, not proofread
wc: 1.8k
masterlist
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“The king insisted upon having a knight guard you,” your father said, hands clasped behind his back as he faced you.
He stood in front of the large windows overlooking the courtyard and the rose gardens. Your father had been appointed to the King’s Counsel, moving himself and you to the royal palace while your mother stayed behind to handle the estate and your sister’s wedding to Ser Garrick.
You were brought along to the palace with the hope that it would make finding a husband easier. Of course it was quite the same as at home, just the competition broadened from just your sister to the entirety of the other women at court. You were still too soft around the edges while the other women were willowy and slight in their gowns.
It was hard to hold a candle to them.
Thank you for continuing the story!!
Have been sick lately. If you are looking for something to knock you out and erase time itself, I recommend Delsum nighttime cough syrup. I am still trying to get oriented and figure out what all happened over the last 15 hours. Totally didn't realize I had conference calls this morning and my manager had to request my presence, to which I was horrified. Thank goodness I just had to smile and nod because my brain is still mush. But I don't feel as sick anymore so that's good I guess.
I experienced words this evening that truly felt like a knife to the heart. I always thought it was just an exaggeration, some poetic saying for heartache. But, I felt every bit of it and it took my breath away. It was like an out of body experience. And I think I'm still trying to find my way back.
Very first project call at the absolute START of my day (haven't had coffee or even eaten), and a grown man says some shit attitude comment to me... the same which I recall my CHILD saying to me the other day. You are a grown man!!
Also, I am learning more about my recently diagnosed ADHD which includes learning about emotional dysregulation. Fun!
I am beginning to realize my mental health is worse than I thought. I guess I was doing such a good job at hiding it that I was able to fool even myself.
Can someone help me please? I have been looking forever for the story where Captain John Price rejects a flirtatious member of his task force in front of a general and then the task force member wants a transfer. I'm been feeling down and that story always comes to my mind when I'm feeling sad. The words he uses to shoot them down are just heart stopping. I would be most appreciative if someone could help!! Also I would like relief from my hyperfocused hunt for this story. I need a break....
I am still looking... at this point, I'm more excited to find it so my fixation can end. I feel like I have been doom scrolling through fanfiction for days... Of course, I still want to read the story!!
Additional information: I came across it here when someone sent an ask looking for said story. Whoever answered I think provided the link in the comments and the person who reblogged it mentioned loving when the tumblr community comes together. I hope this jogs someone's memory!
Can someone help me please? I have been looking forever for the story where Captain John Price rejects a flirtatious member of his task force in front of a general and then the task force member wants a transfer. I'm been feeling down and that story always comes to my mind when I'm feeling sad. The words he uses to shoot them down are just heart stopping. I would be most appreciative if someone could help!! Also I would like relief from my hyperfocused hunt for this story. I need a break....
I am still looking... at this point, I'm more excited to find it so my fixation can end. I feel like I have been doom scrolling through fanfiction for days... Of course, I still want to read the story!!
Can someone help me please? I have been looking forever for the story where Captain John Price rejects a flirtatious member of his task force in front of a general and then the task force member wants a transfer. I'm been feeling down and that story always comes to my mind when I'm feeling sad. The words he uses to shoot them down are just heart stopping. I would be most appreciative if someone could help!! Also I would like relief from my hyperfocused hunt for this story. I need a break....