noir • 25↑ • any +more 💿 18+ ✦ dark ✦ angst ✦ whump
masterlist ☆ warnings ☆ fandoms ☆ tags ☆ faq
i like male or gn readers with shitty apartments and a life full of misery (*´ω`*) / my stories are self-indulgent and i prefer them with angst/no-comfort and suffering ψ(｀∇´)ψ / although my works' themes vary, always read the cw/warnings for any triggering themes, because this is a dark blog as well.
♡ jjk + snk ✦ requests: into consideration;;
Hello!! I hope you’re doing well <3 I was wondering if you’d ever update empty? I know i’ve seen some posts of you saying you didn’t like how it was or something like that, but if i’m completely honest, it is truly one of the best works i’ve ever read. It genuinely makes me happy re-reading it. The only reason i’m asking is because there really isn’t any Jean x male reader long fanfics and the way their relationship is, is so good i literally love your writing!! Anyways I hope your day is going good!! (Literally one of my fav fan fics of all time!)
hi, anon!! im doing so-so, but hanging on :)
i would like to update it, yes. but, at this point, i think it would be better to do a complete rewrite (i mean, not completely, just a better delivery lol) since i feel it can be considered a product of its time. 2019, i was 19, and i was just practicing my english, very otaku... and i don't mean i hate the work because, honestly, i don't think i do. i had a lot of fun while writing it, which is something veeery important when you're making fanworks. it's charming in its own way, and it brings me a lot of joy to see you re-read it and still like it :) in all honesty, i didn't think people would like it that much!
and i got you with the lack of fanfics with jean... or the lack of fanfics in long format AND with a male (or gn) reader. unfortunately, my relationship with snk was strained by how the narrative was handled in the end and by how the community was at that point, but i believe i've healed my relationship with the work by now LOL. can't believe it has been more than five years tbh.
but in summary: it's going to be rewritten, not going to follow canon 100%, hopefully better structured chapters... but our mc/reader's personality and charm is going to stay mostly the same.
when? i really don't know /: but hopefully not that long.
thanks for your kind message, and have a good day too! <3
hi !! i just read one of ur posts that you’ll rewriting “reiss mental asylum,” and i wanna say that i was so invested w it in wattpad 😭 and if you don’t mind me asking, where would you be posting it? ^^
hey! i'm still unsure if to edit the original work or start a different one... can you tell i'm the most indecisive person in the world? LOL!
so i'm going to use your question for a small poll. you were the chosen one, anon! and i think it would be better for me to update it again...
Alright, everyone! Sorry for my silence these past few months, but I'm going to graduate for my major + I'm working + Have to do a lot of paperwork = give me the lethal injection already plz. But anyway, RMA is going to be completely rewritten, so, when I post it, there will be some slight changes as reader's role in the hospital being different, a character not... having spotlight anymore..., changing third POV to second... slight changes, nothing drastic. C:
I'm unsure if to delete the old version from here, but it will not be deleted from AO3. So, don't worry about that regard.
The bad thing(?) is that I'll try to write as many chapters as I can to start posting them publicly, so you people are not left in the dark for years Y_Y So it will be posted when it will be posted... sorry!
Also, thanks for still answering the survey I did months ago :] I read your comments, and I'm happy that you still like reading it, even with my poor skills. But damn, writing fanfiction has helped my English a lot!!
hi !! i just read one of ur posts that you’ll rewriting “reiss mental asylum,” and i wanna say that i was so invested w it in wattpad 😭 and if you don’t mind me asking, where would you be posting it? ^^
hey! i'm still unsure if to edit the original work or start a different one... can you tell i'm the most indecisive person in the world? LOL!
so i'm going to use your question for a small poll. you were the chosen one, anon! and i think it would be better for me to update it again...
Hi yo!!! I'm checking if you're still alive! It's been 4 months :( But anyways, Happy late New Year!!! I hope you're doing alright and good <3 Thank you 💗💗
hi!! im surprisingly still alive LOL! thx for reaching out! i don't post often because my writing process is veeery slow Q_Q and for some reason i've been writing different things at the time so nothing is getting finished unfortunately lol
happy new year! hope you are doing good too! ٩( ᐛ )و
—REINCARNATION | ryomen sukuna x gn! reader
⊹ content warnings // modern times. ryo is a bit angry w/ u (wants to kill u). mention of slight cannibalism? the reason of reader's death or absence in their past life isnt explained. reader doesn't have memories of their past life.
⊹ synopsis // after living through centuries without his dove at his side, he finds you outside in a rainy night, alone, suffering with the cold and waiting for the rain to stop.
⊹ notes // (wc. 2,987) / very unpolished, but if i didn't post this the same night i wrote this i would have this in my drafts for years. hope it's enjoyable, though!
devourer of memories
The modern day was different, but not very much. Yes, humans dressed differently and the scenery was different, but humans behaved the same way and looked the same. Boring, clueless, and corrupt.
Sukuna walked among the people in the street, the cold storm forcing some of them run to their destination or get stuck in stores and bus stops. The man holds his umbrella carelessly, his bored eyes staring ahead.
The curse found these times amusing at times, but sometimes, it was too irritating. Masses mean seeing someone looking like you, wearing a semblance of your face, or a voice that mimicked yours like a curse mocking its victim. It was annoying, and wiping out all of these filthy humans didn’t sound that bad.
If someone looked like you, he was sure to kill them. Why? Because your pathetic presence dared to leave him like he was a mere insect. Like a fool, he allowed many things in that past life—cared for you too much, satisfied many of your whims, devoted you too much.
Living through centuries without even meeting another you accumulated a resentment towards you.
If he found you, so he wished, he would fuck you and kill you. Like the perverted curse he was, it was only fitting to destroy you how he knew best. Take, and devour, and ruin. He had done it many times, and he could do it again; no resolve had been clearer than this.
Then, a voice that was engraved in his mind, an exasperated sigh he repeated in his head, over and over, reached his ears. Sukuna, as always, a man of action and not one to wait, quickly turned his head to the source before the illusion he had seen many times could disappear.
And then, he caught something at the corner of his eyes that forced him to stop. His head turned to the left, his eyes widened at the cause of his shock.
There you were—or someone with your face—, waiting outside a supermarket with your hands trying to warm themselves up by hiding inside your coat. The scarf neatly covered up to your nose, but it was evident that you were suffering in this cold night. And Sukuna’s first instinct was…
… to embrace you with warmth.
Before he could form a thought, his feet stopped in front of you. The massive figure quickly took your attention—well, there wasn’t a way to ignore it when he was in front of you, his crimson eyes staring right at you with no shame.
At first, you thought he was dangerous.
“Hello…?” A low murmur, a tilt of your head was all Sukuna needed to confirm your face was really yours. It was really you in front of him.
He refused to respond to the longing in his heart and chose the anger and resentment he had felt for you for all these years instead. How did you dare to look at him with that stupid, foolish stare? As if you didn’t recognize him? Sukuna loathed that look. He wanted to take you, like those nights where you and he were together, and all you could do was exist around him without much choice.
But he found himself not moving.
“Do you need something?” Your tone turned a bit louder, as if trying to reach beyond Sukuna’s demons unintentionally.
“Yes,” a quick answer—an automatic response, if you could say. His soul answered for him, controlled his body to act despite the wrath that yearned to be free, to immediately wipe out this place and turn it into a place where only you and he existed. But then, the punishment that he so desired to inflict on you couldn’t be.
Sukuna didn’t feel fear. That feeling was unknown and foolish—he wanted something, he took it. Easy as that. He was a demon whose desires were a decree; what happened after, happened. If the consequences amused him, good; if not, how boring. It was a cycle of violence that… only one person broke.
You timidly looked up at him, patient yet uncomfortable. Sukuna read you like a book. Any twitch, blink, or flutter of eyelashes had different meanings he had already deciphered. You were a haiku written by life itself, and he was the reader who covered all perspectives.
“Why are you waiting here like a fool?” A tone too harsh for a stranger, but there was something subtle underneath it.
A slight frown passed through your face, and he smirked.
“Well, kind stranger, I don’t have an umbrella, and I’m waiting for the rain to stop.”
“Then, you plan to sleep here or what? The storm won’t stop for you.” The blatant disrespect irked you, which he expected to. The first thing he did to meet you was annoy you.
“Are you trying to get me mad or something? Very rude for someone to come at me like this.” You crossed your arms, sighing exasperatedly. Who the hell did this man think he was?
True. But Sukuna had no shame.
“Maybe you looked like the perfect victim to annoy.”
“Kindly go away. My day is going badly as it is.”
Sukuna wouldn’t. The butterfly he was waiting to catch had come to his orbit. His hand stilled, and waited for it to get near enough to catch it.
“Is that so?” He sighed, shaking his head mockingly. He laughed when you rolled your eyes and looked away, as if the talk was over on your end. “Where do you live?”
You glanced at him for a moment, eyes narrowed but soft. Either you found this funny or didn’t care that much. “Wow. A kidnapper, now? Should I call the police?”
“Not a kidnap if the victim is willing.” A dangerous grin that anybody could tell he was bad news. Or, he wanted something else as a reward for such ‘kindness’. To make you agree, he added: “Or should you die from the cold? It was just too pitiful looking at someone so miserable under this weather.”
You glanced at him a few times, maybe to catch onto any deception or danger. His grin never faltered, and even a small snort came out of his lips at your silly antics.
“I don’t bite, dove.” Him easing his widened grin only made him look crazier. You tried to hide a snort, but Sukuna noticed it quickly.
You looked the same when he took you back then. Identical pout, the exact same frown.
The devil just wanted a taste of that fruit again, but the poison he tasted in the past taught him how foolish he was for giving in. For losing himself in the sweetness of it, his sudden devotion, for once, had numbed his usual cruelty.
“… I live near here. Four blocks.” You gave in in the end and explained where you lived, your shy admission a delight to his ears and your softened features a satisfaction to his dark eyes.
You did the same when he granted you a bit of freedom back then—a composure of nervousness but slight optimism. Even if it were a mere walk in the woods, accompanying him to train his archery, or going to a festival. But never too far, always in his range of sight. A butterfly whose space was limited to his hands alone.
Maybe, now that he had you here, he can enjoy you again and kill you while he’s at it.
“That’s so.” His expression turned neutral, but a pleasant gaze fell on him. He nodded towards the way you had to go, the umbrella right above you to shield you from the rain.
“W-Wait!” Sukuna arched an eyebrow at your sudden hurry. Your hand gripped his arm, and he didn’t understand why he fought against the desire to just take you away and stop this play. But he let you speak and do what you wanted, like he always did.
A small mercy, maybe.
“Uhm…” You pressed your lips while your hands gripped your coat again. “Can we stop at the bakery nearby…? I wanted to go there, but I got stuck here…”
Of course, those were your circumstances. “What a child. That’s why you are trapped here?”
“Hey! I wanted something to eat!”
He scoffed, already walking away. “Let’s go, I don’t have all night.”
Your shoulder bumped into him now and then. You didn’t seem to care, though, so Sukuna succumbed to such faint touches like an imbecile, like fixing thirst with sips.
Eventually, you arrived at the bakery, which had many clients inside already with the same thought as you. Sukuna folded the umbrella before coming in, and you, surprisingly, told him to take any pieces of bread he wanted as a thanks for his help.
When you two approached the counter, Sukuna gently pushed your body with his arm and paid for the three paper bags despite your cute, futile hands trying to stop him. In the end, you two returned to walking back to your apartment, with Sukuna holding the three bags while you held the umbrella for him.
“I don’t know why you paid.” You said lowly, pouting. Where did this man come from?
“To make my victim of kidnapping more complicit.” He stated simply; the game between you was still fresh in his head.
“Ha-ha.”
Silence. The raindrops and the people’s voices passing beside each of you filled the silence between you.
“You know,” you began, and Sukuna noticed your gaze looked partially absent. As if you tried to remember something, or forced yourself to remember. “I don’t know but… hmm… how can I say it…”
Sukuna wasn’t the most patient man. In fact, he wasn’t. Not even you could escape his harshness. “Speak properly.”
You pressed your lips together, and the demon tried to make an excuse that, because he wasn’t taking you and kissing you and doing whatever he wanted with you now, it was because revenge was sweeter when he waited. It was ridiculous, though—how could someone like him wait for something when his guts screamed to possess?
“I feel like I’ve seen you before.” Your eyes, for once, analyzed his expression to get an answer, since what he had been doing was mocking you. You waited, but the only response you got was a scoff.
“Is that so, poor victim?” It was laughable for you to say that; it felt like you were mocking him. If you hadn’t had that stupid, oblivious look on your face, he would have fucked you in an alley and killed you in the middle of it.
“Have we?”
Insistent like always, he thought. A bug that got what it wanted in the end. “Maybe.” He answered drily, his eyes glued ahead.
“Where?”
He hummed. “Who knows. Maybe in a castle, or a shrine. Or maybe, in some woods somewhere.”
You groaned. “You’re playing with me.” The pout he enjoyed seeing so badly formed on your pretty lips. He gripped the bags tighter, almost tearing them. “What a mean kidnapper.” That made him laugh.
Silence again. Not for long, though.
“But I know what I feel is true,” you muttered, but loud enough for Sukuna to hear. To him, telling you the truth would anger him further, and it doesn’t seem like you were going to remember anyway. So he let those memories stay trapped only with him instead, and kept quiet.
You arrived at your building, and Sukuna couldn’t help but amusedly stare at such waste. If you noticed his disgust or not, you didn’t mention it. Instead, you turned to look at him with a bright smile. A contrast of the decaying building behind you.
You didn’t belong there.
You belong with me.
“Ryo,” a quick call of his name took his attention immediately. “Please, come inside, yeah? I’m going to make hot choco and I want to thank you for your help.” There was some guilt when seeing how wet he got from your unsteady hold on the umbrella.
He narrowed his eyes and stared at you for a moment in complete silence, and you wondered if you said something wrong. You tilted your head to the side, waiting for his rejection or a snarky remark. His eyes turned… heavy, dark, and it felt like you were trapped in them—like those tales of snakes hypnotizing their victims with their eyes.
But nothing came.
“You don’t have to accept,” you muttered, glancing at the ground for a moment, dispelling… the weird feeling. You couldn’t explain why him not staying felt… wrong. As if you needed to make him stay because you desperately wanted him to.
“Hot choco?” His amused tone, yet slightly restrained, made you look at him with a hopeful gaze. He now stood before you, looking down at you with darkened eyes that you didn’t find concerning at all.
You smiled and nodded. “Yeah!”
This was better, he thought, still deluding himself with the idea of killing you. He wanted it.
Wished to pull the wings from the butterfly, or wished to confine it in his hands?
“You invite strangers into your home just like that?” He mocked, but, in the end, he agreed to stay and followed you to your apartment, right behind you. How stupid could you be?
Interestingly, Sukuna admitted your apartment was… you. You, everywhere. The building was complete trash, but it was clear that your space was taken care of in great detail. Just like the past, your presence was engraved in anything you touched. Your scent filled the room as well—a smell no incense or candle could mimic. As bad as he had tried to.
Sukuna wanted to bury his face on your neck.
“Hey,” your voice took his attention, and he noticed you were staring at him with that dumb, cute smile. Your scarf was already gone, and his eyes couldn’t stop staring at your beautiful face. The expression radiating the warmth he grew used to. The face he stared at like a painting.
He clenched his jaw.
“You can sit at the table or the couch. Whenever you feel comfortable.” For some reason… something felt right. Like a puzzle in your life finally fit. Having this man, in this space, didn’t feel weird at all. You felt… as if his presence was… familiar.
Sukuna gave you the paper bags and sat down on the couch, and you quickly started to work.
“It’s funny. I haven’t asked your name, nor have you asked mine!” You chuckled, still working on the hot cocoa like you didn’t have a stranger with a crazy face in your apartment. And you had turned your back on him… he didn’t know what to feel.
Why was your voice so warm so suddenly?
He kept quiet for a minute. “It’s better that way,” Sukuna responded uninterestedly then. “No hints or clues for me to leave behind.” A fake laugh was your answer to that.
The smell of cocoa quickly filled the place, mixing with your aroma. The demon refused to acknowledge whether what he felt was satisfaction or disgust by such sweetness, so he dismissed it and stared at you instead.
You had your back to him, humming while making the hot chocolate. The cursed demon found your naivety stupid and ridiculous. His mind was plagued with jealousy—did you carelessly trust other people this easily? Did you invite them into your home like an old friend?
That was revolting. His gaze glued to your back, his jaw was clenched, and the image of punishing you came into mind. You deserved it because you left him. You dared to leave the cage he so carefully crafted for you, leaving him alone for centuries.
He approached silently, your dumb hum a sign of your ignorance. Sukuna was thorn. He wanted to wrap his arms around you and get lost in you, while the other wanted to eat your flesh, so, at least in this life, he took both your soul and life—both your murderer and devotee.
This is what you turned me to. This retribution is what you deserve. My hands, the same that touched you, must—
Then, all the anger he wanted to unleash dissipated like a cloud when you turned and saw him. After all these centuries, his guts screamed for him to embrace you again—to, for once, let the precious nymphalid stop at will on his tainted hands. Hand that had only known destruction and blood—but, when they met you, learned to have a bit of maddening benevolence.
“Hope it’s not too sweet,” you said with a grin that took him back to when you peeled tangerines for him while he told you terrific stories that you loved to hear. Or when you excitedly waited for your turn to take the bow and miss a mark like many times.
You offered a mug. A ridiculous mug with a painted cow in a childish flower field. Red eyes stared at it as if it were the weapon to murder you with—your guillotine. And he, your executor.
Was he, really? Or was it reversed?
Steam came out of the silly mug, but he paid attention to your hands. They should be warm enough now, with the help of a mug with an idiotic cow in it.
Back then, he kissed them, held them.
…He wanted to drink the hot chocolate.
He took the mug quietly and sat down at the table. You took your mug and sat across from him, taking big bites of the bread that you seemed to love. Then, you started to talk about anything, and like any siren who lures travelers into drowning, Sukuna found himself indulging in your sweet voice in silence.
And, just as many, many years ago, he listened to all you had to share with a demon like him.
If this was eternity or purgatory, Sukuna didn’t mind listening to your voice until the world around him vanished.
Hello!! I don't know if you see this but I wonder if this account is going to rewrite your other fics? And if you're going to make new stories!! Also are you considering adding some female characters along with the males?
(Aside from historia and Ymir since they're lesbians)
But in general, I hope you're doing well and thriving!! Thanks ❤️❤️
hi anon! well, right now i'm trying to work with RMA, but I've planning to rewrite empty and flower curse at some point... and yeah, i'm going to post more stories! it's just that a lot of them are only around 1-5 chapters so they are not finished, but i don't want to post them yet because i take a long time to update... so i don't want to leave them unfinished.... i got two one shots for jujutsu kaisen, though... hopefully i can finish them soon.
i don't think i'll write female characters in the future :( maybe i could with a gn! reader and maaaybe for fem! reader, but even so i don't think i'll do them... sorry!
thank you! i hope everything is going well for you too! C:
i forgot to post this lol, but if you're tired of "y/n, [name]" in reader insert fics there's a very good add-on for browsers that allows you to change y/n to your name.
the add-on is called interactive fics and the devs have a blog on tumblr. here's the download page so you can get it for your browser (only has firefox mobile extension for android users).
💿 going to share how the survey about RMA is going because i find something funny.....
actually, im surprised levi is the most liked tbh! i forgot he's the favorite in general. zeke and erwin being pair to pair is nice, although i didnt expect zeke being the most liked as well lol nor armin.
also hanji mentioned lol! we'll see some of them for the plot and the funsies
this was what so funny to me 😭 the most liked and the most disliked LMAO i understand it tbh. i like and dislike him but he has eventually grown on me _(┐「ε:)_
also i appreciate the 'nones' too <3 hoping i can make shitty men likable still tbh
i noticed zeke and erwin are always with the same votes! also im also very excited to do something smutty with them 😪 coincidentally, zeke is soon getting something not very exciting but something is everything to these yanderes anyway.
everyone should have something at some point in the story. some sooner than others... but they'll get there eventually!
also you can still vote if you want! this survey is not really about what we're going to have next but rather what can i work with? aaaa i dont even know how to explain myself lol but vote bc it's fun
thanks for everyone who is voting! ٩( ᐛ )و and thx for your kind messages!
hello reiss asylum readers! i know that i always ask for your help when i return to give you another disappointment, but! would you kindly answer this survey?
the survey is about my ff, reiss mental asylum. there are just questions about who do you like the most, who do you like less, what would you like to see, what you are not interested to see, etc. it's pretty short too!
you can also leave any type of comment you want in the last question :) feedback, if you are hoping to see something, if you like it or not, etc.!
AOT | Reiss Mental Aylum 【AU/1970s】
⊹ pairings ; male!yandere!various x male!prettyboy!reader | [eren, jean, connie, armin, reiner, bertolt, zeke, erwin, levi, mike]
⊹ synopsis ; you start your first job working at reiss mental asylum: a place with not much information, but it should be a nice place to start, right? well... you couldn't have been more wrong.
⊹ general warnings ; DARK/DEAD DOVE/18+ THEMES. Non-consensual themes, non-con drug use, home invasion, yanderes, obsessive behavior, murder, abuse of power, power imbalance, manipulation, physical and mental abuse, ableism. read the masterlist for full warnings.
⊹ this chapter's warnings ; (wc. 7.5k) hallucinations, mentions of medication, zeke being an ass towards jean's worries and hallucinations...
thirteen << mlist >> fifteen
chapter 14.1
treats are for kids
“Nice to see you again…” Zeke glanced at the clock on the wall, but [name] knew he didn’t even really read it. “Thirty minutes after your shift.”
“I apologize for my absence, sir.” [name] patted, sweat on his face making him look even more chaotic. “I—I… just… fell… asleep...?”
“Asleep,” Zeke mockingly repeated.
Zeke stared at him with a blank face. [Name], on the other hand, was a mess. His clothes were a disaster, he breathed like he ran a marathon to get here, his hair was messy… The doctor didn’t try to hide his scornful laughter and just chuckled with no remorse in [name]’s face.
“How messy. Didn’t you look in a mirror before leaving?” Zeke said as he covered his smirk by the back of hand, but it was blatantly obvious he wanted to mock his assistant further.
[Name] tried to brush his hair, ashamed by his looks. He hadn’t even seen the mirror before leaving; he didn’t even think about his appearance. The thought of arriving to this place felt more stressful than ever; his mind was obviously in a hurry to arrive on time to not get into trouble. Well, that didn’t go too well, did it?
“I don’t look that bad, do I?” The assistant murmured while his fingers brushed the disheveled strands of hair.
“You look the same.” Zeke stopped just in front of him. His assistant didn’t even notice the lack of personal space between them until his boss had his hands fixing his collar. The soft touch on his skin made the assistant look at him with pressed lips.
“Wha, uh, erm…” He tried to say something, but nothing coherent came out. The proximity wasn’t that much of an issue, per se, yet… just feeling Zeke’s physical contact on him was enough to make him tense. Not in a bad way, but... Perhaps the whole place, including its people, was enough for him to slightly unsettle him these days.
“It must have been embarrassing coming all the way here with those looks.” Zeke had a certain glint in his eyes when he spoke. It was funny just to see how dumbly his little assistant could act by such senseless, foolish acts. That’s why he liked him—he brought funny entertainment to this rotting place. Because of that, seeing him disappear would be unsatisfactory.
Luckily, that will not happen.
[Name] felt his face warming up. He ignored the world around him while running here, but now he understood Margaret’s low ‘Oh my…’ when he passed by the reception. How embarrassing…! The assistant cringed, his hands turned into fists as he stared at the wall in shame. Zeke wanted to laugh when he noticed his assistant didn’t want to look at him out of his embarrassment.
“In any case,” the blond began, “you were called to Smith’s office.”
The assistant blinked and stared at Zeke. “Me?”
“Yes, little you.” [Name] cringed at how bitter that sounded. “Appears to be something more important than scolding your lateness. I wonder the reason.” Zeke’s eyes never left his face as he spoke the last sentence, quickly noticing [Name]’s form tensing.
“I… wonder.”
Zeke gently brushed [name]’s hair with his fingers. “And you didn’t forget about our deal, did you?”
“Deal…?” [Name] stared at Zeke, trying to look for the answer. Then the blond showed a small smirk.
Oh. Shit. His eyes widened when he remembered that childish deal. That stupid, idiotic deal. “The deal.”
The blond uncaringly fixed [name]’s coat. “Yes, the deal. Our deal.”
[Name] felt his insides turn. He gritted his teeth when his mind screamed at him how childish and foolish this whole thing was. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“You will.” Zeke scratched his ear as he stepped away. “Or Connie will be put away from your little sessions.”
“What?!” [Name] couldn’t stop himself from reacting. His shoulders raised in fright as he tried to hastily get near Zeke. “You didn’t say that back then! It was just to play a card game!”
Zeke seemed to find amusing by how quickly his mood shifted by the change of rules. He held his laugh for the fake respect his assistant deserved. “I changed my mind.”
The assistant felt betrayed—just… what did this man want? To watch him beg? To make a fool of himself? He bit his lips as he looked at the floor, clearly not happy with the sudden change of rules. “This is not funny.” Is this really how the real world works…?
“Doesn’t have to be for you.” He looked bored. Zeke walked to his desk, sat down, and leaned back against the chair. When he looked at his assistant, he couldn’t hide his smirk this time. “You should run, kätzchen; you’re late. Wouldn’t want to face eyebrows’ anger, if he even shows it to you, in any case.”
[Name] kept quiet. But, before he opened the door to leave, Zeke reminded him of what he had to do with a mocking, loud tone. [Name] just cringed and left without any word.
He won’t do it. He couldn’t. Erwin would fire him after such a foolish display…
But… he wanted that talk with Connie. He had the certainty that he could get something about… what was hidden from him, even if it wasn’t something that important. It wasn’t that much of a big deal, but Zeke had found his interest and played it against him for some stupid reason. Perhaps he just wanted to play him, making him look more like an idiot, to bully him, or to just make him give up.
The ‘adult’ world wasn’t how he had imagined, but he had been warned by people around him once. Foolish of him for not taking it seriously. Didn’t know my boss would act like a child!
It was infuriating, but he could play his cards too.
[Name] exhaled to try and clear his head before knocking on the door. He felt physically sick—with shaking hands and a somber expression, he waited for an answer.
In his mind formed plenty of different ways this situation would play out—would Erwin get angry at him? Well, of course. Would he fire him on the spot? Hopefully not. The poor assistant couldn’t stop the shaking in his hands as the unknown awaited right at the other side of the door.
Until a ‘come in’ from the other side was heard, [name] gulped and opened the door. There he was, Erwin behind his desk. The man supported his elbows on the surface, resting his fist under his cheek. As their eyes instantly met, Erwin’s features softened slightly. Even so, [name] couldn’t stop from cringing slightly as he entered the room.
“Good morning,” Erwin said his name as he greeted him, and [name] could notice a soft smile, barely present. The assistant greeted him back. “You are pretty late.” Erwin’s tone was gentler—a contrast from Zeke’s.
[Name] swallowed. “I’m sorry—it won’t happen again, sir. I just didn’t wake up on time and—”
Erwin raised his hand that caused [name] to press his lips tightly. What would he say? Would his paycheck be affected? If it was, then he would surely get kicked out of his apartment and—
“That’s not why I called you.” The blond dismissed his worries with his usual smile. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten: I called you to talk about our date.”
The assistant blinked, as if he tried to process the words like a computer. “…Date?”
“Yes. Date.” Erwin chuckled, his handsome features softening. [name] wondered if he worked as a model in his free time. “Many things have occurred lately, which had made you rather forgetful.”
The date. The damn date with Erwin. [Name] had indeed forgotten about it. The date… The dismissal of his lateness felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at him, making his thoughts and worries look like noodles—he was baffled. This was a bizarre situation, wasn’t it? The date. The deal. Was he being played with?
But maybe, maybe if he played this right… something could work here.
“I didn’t forget at all!” [Name] clasped his hands together and grinned. “I was actually thinking where to go! After all, I don’t know much about you, sir.” He tried to play it off, clearly. Yet, as his tone turned firm and confident, the assistant noticed Erwin’s amused smile. He saw through him—but, perhaps…
“Is that so?” He rested his jaw on his palm, arching a brow. “And which places you’ve thought about, hmm? I thought we we’re just going for coffee, as I suggested.”
[Name] tilted his head and glanced everywhere but Erwin’s face. He hummed loudly. Think! THINK ABOUT ANYTHING IN THIS ROTTING CITY! “We should go to the movies!”
WHAT? ERWIN TO THE MOVIES? THE PLACE IS ROTTING!
The city was… not in a great shape, overall. It was barely a big city—it had enough to categorize it as one, but it was obvious it was neglected enough by its government to make it look like the worst part of New York, even if it was not New York.
There was another town near the hospital, though. But [name] had never gone there before, nor knew about what was available there. Going there was a gamble.
“Aaand… we should go to that coffee you mentioned after! I know one place that has very good bread as well.” He grinned. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Very good bread, you say?” Erwin tapped the desk with his finger. His gaze bored onto the assistant as he playfully smirked at such amusing sight. “And you have decided on the movie? Or is that something else you’re going to improvise?” The director stood up, his imposing figure approaching [Name].
The deer laughed nervously. “Nothing about that! We can decide together as we get there. I’ve heard there’s a new horror movie, ehm… The Forgotten or something…? Ahem, I’ve heard it’s pretty good!”
Erwin’s amused smile didn’t falter. How cute, he thought. His figure towered over the deer’s as he stepped forward. Improvised or not, Erwin was counting the days of this date—the date that he had wished even before the assistant stepped into this white hell.
He leaned towards the assistant to say—whisper—something. Perhaps a silly thing that would make him feel shy, or…
Now or never, [name] thought nervously as his body cringed in preparation. He looks happy enough, better now that he’s in a good mood, right? Please still pay me. Please please please please plea—
With the lowest voice possible, he barely got it out: “Ehm… fuck off.” [name] tightly closed his eyes and waited for the worst. He was going to be fired. He was going to be in a missing person poster. Not only that, but he was going to disappear from the face of the planet if his beating heart didn’t kill him with a heart attack before.
Erwin blinked. And blinked again. And then, raised a brow. No word came out of those lips, but the poor deer could tell the sudden violence appalled or infuriated him. [name]’s figure was anything but confident—both his hands and legs trembled like a leaf. He turned paler, he bite his lower lip by the anxiety clouding his senses.
And then, Erwin’s voice, as deep and intimidating as it ever was, broke through the silence. “That wasn’t you, was it?”
The assistant played with his fingers while his eyes focused on the floor. He sounds really mad. I don’t even need to see his face to know he’s angry. The whole atmosphere shifted into something more… heavy, as if gravity forced him to shrink more and more. Ratting out Zeke didn’t sound viable. No—hearing Erwin’s voice told him enough to not try to even move.
After no answer, Erwin let out a strained chuckle. A shiver traveled down [name]’s spine. Had he ever seen this side of Erwin? Well… he had always been… playful...? Angrily playful. Or playfully angry. Even if the deer had messed up in the past days, there was certain protective anger.
The assistant went rigid as Erwin firmly, yet gently grabbed his jaw to lift his face. He cracked an eye open slightly as if he was a frightened child ready for punishment.
“I’m not mad,” Erwin said, but the assistant was anything but convinced. The man had a blank face that looked surprisingly calm, but anybody could tell those eyes held a glint of displeasure. “But don’t attempt a second time.” His commanding tone was enough to tell he was an authority that had to be respected, even if the deer was allowed to get away with certain things.
Erwin was a patient man, but he also had his limits.
Although he preferred his deer to reach beyond those limits.
“S…Sorry, sir…” [name] stuttering came back by such horror show. “It was just… a prank...? Heh…”
“A prank…” Erwin whispered, his grip tensing slightly. An unamused expression formed on his face as his eyes glanced somewhere else. “I can take a guess who’s the mastermind.”
The assistant flinched by Erwin’s grip. “Forgive me, sir.”
“I’ll forgive you if you call me Erwin instead.” His blue eyes returned to look at his deer, the playful glint once again present. His hand freed the deer’s jaw, not before his thumb ghosted a touch on the assistant’s lower lip.
This was the right time to switch tactics, then. Do it for Connie and the truth!
“Of course, Erwin!” [name] tried to calm his nerves and play his cards this round. He nodded eagerly, staring right into Erwin’s eyes.
The blond hummed at such shift, but said: “You may go now.” He retreated to his seat behind the desk.
[name] was more than ready to leave, but stopped after he turned away. He faced Erwin once again, who had a raised eyebrow at what the little assistant was going to do next. The deer shifted his play—hiding his hands behind his back, playing with his foot, and lowering his head slightly to see Erwin under his eyelashes.
“Um… Erwin…” He softly spoke, which took Erwin’s attention pretty quickly. The man narrowed his eyes by such… act. “I just… wanted to ask something reaaally small…? If I may, of course!”
Erwin kept quiet as he took a hint on what was going on. He chuckled softly and leaned against the seat, his hands folded on his lap. “What is it?”
“I, uhm… I was wondering if…” [name] brushed some strands of hair behind his ear. “If you can let Connie and I play Uno in the next session…”
Erwin shifted his posture. He rested his elbow on the desk, and tapped his finger on the surface, eyes impassive but unwavering.
Can’t win if I don’t make a fool of myself, huh…
“Uno?” Erwin tilted his head, his eyes having a glint of interest.
“It’s a card game! It’s… recent, but fun,” the assistant explained. “Maybe we can play it sometime between breaks.”
Erwin hummed. The assistant didn’t know if the man was preparing to reject his idea or giving it a thought, so he acted before the blond even opened his mouth.
“It’s just that… I think it would be a nice way to get closer to him, that’s all.” [name] pouted slightly, his eyebrows frowning. He had done things like this so Porco accepted to go out: it practically should work. “I asked Zeke for permission, but he wasn’t really… convinced. Is there anything that could be done…?”
Erwin’s lips twitched upwards momentarily at the blatant way the assistant was asking for his approval. He rested his cheek on his knuckles while he thought about how pretty his deer looked—so well behaved. Smart, too, since he learned quickly.
“I’ll talk to him.” That was another way to say ‘His opinion doesn’t matter.’
“Really?!” [name]’s eyes seemed to have shiny stars in his eyes by the green light. Such happy puppy made Erwin smile briefly.
“Sure. I have to discuss something with him, in any case.”
“Thank you!” The assistant smiled brightly. “Well then, let’s see each other on our date tomorrow, Erwin!”
After that, both said their farewells, and [name] left in a good mood.
Erwin kept still as his eyes bored into the door where his deer left. To know that four-eyes could easily command such… jokes for the assistant to do made his blood boil. And to him? Ha, Zeke didn’t give a shit when he knew he was untouchable. Even if Erwin desired his disappearance, it was just not possible when they had hired him personally.
Ah… well, such thing didn’t matter. Not if he took what he really wanted—that assistant. That, little deer that he had seen years ago. If they had met once again, even in this rotting facade, it had to be destiny. Oh, no. Erwin didn’t believe in such things, but… [name] made him hold such foolish thoughts sometimes.
And he was just as he remembered him to be—the very same… Just that this time he wouldn’t let him go out his sight.
At least his life of ambition had another type of goal now.
The assistant contently hummed as he walked in the halls. He had taken a small step forward today, but the day of truth was when he met Connie again. Even so, he hoped Zeke didn’t have anything under his sleeve to ruin that… Vincent and him had to think about something.
His thoughts halted when he spotted who he looked forward to seeing.
“Vincent!” The assistant grinned. “I was just thinking of you!” He hurriedly approached Vincent, who gave back his charismatic grin.
“Same here.” Vincent brushed some of the assistant’s messy hairs. “Rough morning, eh? I saw you running to your office.”
“You saw?! Ugh…” He sighed, not noticing how his shoulders relaxed as Vincent’s fingers brushed his hair. “I overslept, and I almost lost the bus…”
The guard hummed, backing away. Then, he placed his hand on the assistant’s temples. “How’re you feeling now? Tried to call you, but, uh… didn’t know you had company.” He chuckled softly, narrowing his eyes a little.
The assistant nervously chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I didn’t expect visits either… sorry for that call. I didn’t expect him to be… that rude.”
“No biggie, sweets. It’s not like I don’t know him.” He grinned and crossed his arms. “You gonna go somewhere now? Or can we have a short walk in the gardens?”
The assistant checked his watch. “I have… twenty minutes, actually.” He looked back at the guard and smiled. “But I wanted to grab something at the cafeteria…”
“No problem, handsome.” Vincent grinned widely, taking something out of his jacket—a packed sandwich. “Your bodyguard here just coincidentally thought you didn’t have breakfast.”
Both of them agreed to go for a quick break to the gardens. The morning was pretty normal—some patients walked around and busied themselves with their corresponding activities, others decided to strike conversations with some workers around (mostly guards).
[name] found a bench, while Vincent decided to stay on his feet to not look like he wasn’t laying down on the job.
They talked of mundane things first. Vincent liked movies, although since he took this job he was too tired to go. The assistant could relate to the stress this job could have, but proposed that both of them went out once they shared a day off. [name] also learned that Vincent was considering finding a job as a cook in a restaurant, since he had “other priorities for the future and didn't want to rot in here,” whatever that meant.
Priorities for the future… that left the assistant wonder about his own. The patients couldn’t stay at the hospital forever, right? They would get better and leave one day. Although his job was to help those affected with the stigma of society, those whom mental illnesses were mocked by those “normal” in society, he couldn’t stop thinking that this place… was too violent...? It was pretty far as well. Trying to find a more accessible job wouldn't hurt.
Plus, now that he thought of it… had there been any relatives around? Visits were a must when someone close to you was in treatment… Yet he hadn't seen anyone different. He should ask Zeke later about this.
“Do your parents know you work here, Vincent?” The assistant looked at the guard with a curious peep as he took a bite of the sandwich.
Vincent became still for a moment, but quickly a stiff smile formed. “Well…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes…? Well—actually… eh…”
[name] cringed after he realized his hasty imprudence. Vincent had already told him that he had no contact with his parents the other day—did his thoughts wandered that far? “Jesus—I’m sorry, Vincent, I forgot! I just was thinking about something and it just came out… I mean, sorry, oof…” He physically shut his mouth, facepalming. How did I forget?
“No, no, it’s fine, sweets.” He dismissed it with his hand. “Things have been… different lately. Just… complicated. My mom and I… don’t have the best of relationships, you know? Just…” He sighed, every word physically hurtful to take out.
The assistant kept quiet, not wanting to make this more awkward. It seemed Vincent was collecting his thoughts, anyway.
“My mom has… some… problems, err… with drugs,” he spoke lowly, his thumb scratching his palm. He didn’t look at the assistant. “It’s hard to talk to her when she just… doesn’t want to listen to me, so I don’t call her that much.” His eyes stared at the grass, resembling a child.
Vincent was tense, the assistant could notice. He looked shameful, and [name] knew very well why. There had been an epidemic of drugs all over the nation, and the city had took a big hit because of it. Most people turned a blind eye towards those who didn’t “handle” drugs, and often received such rough treatment that made [name] wonder how cruel people where with those who were vulnerable.
[name] tried to keep up with any news about solving the issue. As far as he knew, there was barely a helpful program in the works. Of course, this city wasn’t in the eye of the government. At least not to help, that is.
“Does she live in the city?” He couldn’t help but ask lowly.
“In the town nearby, actually. I don’t visit her, though.” He grimaced. “She also has visits I don’t particularly get along with.”
The assistant could get a hint about what he meant. The remembrance of the past made something ache on his back—a permanent gift. “I see.” He unconsciously rubbed his left shoulder, his eyes absent and sandwich forgotten.
Vincent quickly picked up the change between them and patted the assistant’s shoulder with gentleness. “Come on, I didn’t share that to make you feel bad.” He let out another sigh. “This has been going for too long. Don’t sweat it.”
The assistant felt bad for making Vincent open up and confess something so personal, but he didn’t know what to say to make a compensation. Perhaps a secret of his own would make them even. “I… had someone who wasn’t particularly fond of me, either.”
Vincent stared at [name], who now avoided his gaze.
“Maybe your mom and this person don’t share the same problem, but maybe they said the same things.” He rubbed the bread, his lips pressing together for a moment. “So, I understand what you mean.” He showed a weak smile as he met Vincent’s stare. "But we're here now, despite it all."
Perhaps between two souls who had been shattered by the people they loved, certain secret codes between the lines were clearer. Only those who had suffered, understand each other’s pain better.
“I have tried to make her quit, you know?” Vincent broke the silence again, perhaps more comfortable by being understood. “Almost succeed one time, but… her boyfriend at the time was an addict, too, so he didn’t want his main ‘income’ to rehabilitate. There’s not many places, anyway…” He clenched his jaw and passed a hand on his face."
"The treatment is.. too rough. I’ve heard about a new program available but, this city… it's just completely abandoned.” Vincent crossed his arms, his eyes distant.
The assistant tried to come out with a solution. Oh, how nice it would be if you could solve your friends’ struggles with the snap of your fingers… but people like them were meant to struggle through life—their fate seemed to decide that.
Even him, who was supposed to help others, was often lead to dead ends.
Vincent was a nice person, he could tell. There was a thing that made him softer, someone… normal? Being with him felt like being back to his student years. The people from the hospital were… nice, but… he felt… as if walking on eggshells. Vincent brought comfort only one so honest could give.
“You know,” the assistant started to say, “back then I—”
“So here you were,” a voice they knew very well made them both flinch. “And with that… guard.” Zeke stood behind them, exhaling the cigarette smoke. His eyes fixated on Vincent in particular, not giving even a glance to his assistant.
The assistant felt cold immediately after checking his watch in fright. Fifteen minutes late. Oh, I’m… oh. “Sir!” He stood quickly, his wide eyes fixated on the grass. “Sorry, I didn’t see the time!”
Zeke hummed, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Seems Mr. Guard here has been keeping you away with meaningless chatter?” He narrowed his eyes, momentarily glancing behind the guard before retreating his focus back to him. “Will this interfere with your job, kätzchen? Or should we fire… which one of you?”
The assistant’s heart hurt. “What?” The assistant’s widened eyes stared at Zeke, who just stared back without much emotion. “He doesn’t—He didn’t—”
“He didn’t?”
“I’m—”
“It’s my fault, I didn’t see the time,” Vincent cut through them, his stare matching Zeke’s. The blond’s eye twitched but didn't back off. “I was just making him eat breakfast, since he looked pale.”
That simple, firm excuse bothered Zeke. “Ah, so you volunteer to get fired? That’s much easier.” Zeke’s sarcastic tone made [name] flinch. There was a false normality in it, if [name] didn’t catch the tension beneath those words; Zeke's hiding hand in his coat pocket, gripping something.
“Zeke,” the assistant seemed to plead, and oh, how Zeke found it amusing how easy it was to force that look on his pretty face. “I’m sorry, okay? It will no happen again.” The assistant didn’t dare to question Zeke’s power inside the institution, if it was true or not, now wasn’t the time to test it. Not when it felt like Vincent was the only person who gave him sanity. If he left…
The assistant swallowed.
“Come,” Zeke merely ordered without even sparing him a glance. His voice came out rougher than he intended, and the assistant didn’t dare to look back at Vincent when he obeyed.
Zeke turned and walked away with [name].
Silence lingered during their walk back to the building.
Once they got to the reception, Margaret happily greeted them. But, just as Zeke passed by, her face told [name] everything. The old lady even made a face without Zeke looking before loudly gasping. “I almost forgot! Sweetheart! You got a call from… uh…”
Margaret looked through her notebook, her eyes squinting to read the lines. “Aha!” The assistant didn’t notice Zeke had stopped to stare at them. “Some… Mr. Woodburn? Said to give him a call if you could!”
The assistant blinked. Woodburn…? “Uhm, are you sure he was Woodburn?” He repeated the name as he tilted his head.
“Yeah! I made him repeat it because he seemed annoyed by me by not understanding him!” She chuckled, finding joy in the smallest things.
Woodburn… His brows furrowed. Annoyed…? Oh! Then [name] blinked and straightened as if realizing. “I see! Well—”
“Are you going to keep me waiting, doctor?” Zeke’s voice cut through with clear venom. The assistant’s body winced and immediately followed him like a dog.
Margaret mumbled something under her breath. “Someone is emotional today…”
“I’m sorry!” [name] tucked some strands of hair behind his ear. “I didn’t mean to, Zeke.” He muttered, staring at the ground.
Zeke glanced at him for a moment as they walked, then let out an exasperated sigh. “See? I’m not with you for a moment and you do all this ruckus.” He brushed a strand of hair behind [name]’s ear. “Staying with that useless guard? In the garden? You don't even know who he is.”
“Vincent is a good coworker,” the assistant was quick to defend his new found friend. He looked at Zeke, his eyes pleading for a chance of gentleness. When he caught Zeke's features softening, he felt like breathing again. “Why would the guards be dangerous? They get background checks, haven’t they?” He spoke more openly now that Zeke appeared more relaxed.
Zeke watched him, and his eyes returned to see ahead.. “Doesn’t matter. You don’t know who they are. And why are you questioning me? I’m your superior. Act like a pretty assistant and keep doing what I order you to do.”
Ugh! Not the “superior” thing! I’m so—
Once they went inside their office, Zeke slammed the door behind them and cornered his assistant against the wall. He grabbed [name]’s jaw with enough force to sting, but the thumb rubbing his lower lip gave enough false comfort to patch his roughness.
“Such a funny face you made,” he lazily spoke, his tone low but heavy. His eyes engraved to his assistant’s, perhaps holding back something. “My assistant as been acting rebellious lately, don’t you think?” Zeke clenched his jaw, the softness gone.
“Sorry,” the assistant breathed out, his eyes wide. Did I make a face? “I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean to,” he brushed [name]’s hair, and he sighed again. As if the whole thing was something so annoying. So pitiful. “Talk to me, kätzchen. We can’t go back and forth like this if you don’t say what’s wrong.” He freed his hold and backed away.
Zeke leaned against the desk, his hands on his coat’s pockets. “That guard,” he licked the back of his teeth. “What has that guard been telling my assistant?”
What followed was the echo of the old clock ticking. Neither of them moved. Unforgiving eyes glued to the lonely deer in the corner. Cold eyes that gutted his prey while looking down at him. A man that was not afraid of giving punishment.
I shouldn't say anything. The deer thought. I feel… This doesn't feel right. He swallowed.
“Nothing,” [name] muttered, but let out a shaky sigh and recovered. “He has just been kind with me.”
Zeke blinked. “Kind.” He scratched his cheek, humming loudly. “Kind is not keeping my assistant in childish dates to be late. Do you wish to be fired? To be punished thanks to someone like him? You can accomplish greater things, but I can’t put aside how you've been acting lately.”
The assistant caught himself before saying anything. Hearing how rough Zeke talked about Vincent, someone so genuine and honest, made his stomach feel funny. But even he, a naive assistant with no experience, knew better than to run his mouth.
We are going to be thrown at the real world, a classmate had said once when those times fearing about the future came. It’s just ‘nod your head and look down.’
It was real, not matter where you were going. Even if your job was help other people. Nothing was fair because you are not above them.
Wait. He paused. Did Erwin already talk to him?
Zeke narrowed his eyes.
“My assistant can be gullible, which is why I have been tolerant for some time now.” He sighed. “What do you think making your boss look like a fool will get you to? Me foolishly congratulate you? Don’t forget you’re are my assistant. Mine. Not Erwin’s, not Vincent’s.
You’re under my wing. Which means you do as I say, when I say it. Or have you forgotten how easily wings can be clipped? In this place, with barbarians like them walking with us…”
Zeke rambled cruelty words that [name] blurred out. His own mind had its own mess provoked by this argument.
I know… I can do something.
Can you?
I’m strong.
Repeat it until you believe it, sweetheart.
“Sorry.” [name] didn't notice his feet guiding him to Zeke. An automatic response.
Zeke fixed his assistant’s collar and patted his shoulder. “Accepting your mistakes is enough for me, kätzchen. But I will not be lenient next time.” His hands cupped [name]’s face so their eyes met. “This is just for your precaution. You’ve already seen the violence of those… barbarians.”
The sight of blood and death had certainly made him sick. Perhaps Zeke had some points, above his rough handling. He was just an assistant, a newbie. What was he thinking?
The assistant shyly stared back. Zeke’s eyes had turned softer, less strict. Like a mother who had been too cruel and now tried to soothe. His eyes darted away. “I understand.”
Hands stilled for a moment before letting go. “Good.”
This time, his job was to observe Zeke work with Jean. Perhaps [name] was in “time-out” after today. But he knew better than to open his mouth again, so he nodded and followed Zeke like a good boy.
Good boys deserve treats.
I don't need your treats.
[name]’s thoughts dissolved when Zeke’s hand pressed against his chest, halting his steps. The assistant glanced up at Zeke, who stared back at him cautiously.
“My assistant is dreaming awake. Wake up.” It was then that [name] noticed he was so close to hit his face with the door—his nose barely brushed against it.
Another quick apology from him before he hurried to the other room. He sat down behind the desk against the glass, opening his small notebook. Jean was already at the other side of the glass.
[name] observed Jean’s side profile. He looked pale, his eyes occasionally glancing at the corner on his left as if he expected someone to be there.
Zeke settled on the other side of the desk, in front of Jean. Zeke looked careless about Jean’s anxiety or his constant checking on that empty spot of the room.
Zeke knows what he’s doing. Let’s just learn. [name] sighed, rubbing his temples. Maybe he had been overthinking—he still had a long road ahead, perhaps this being his first “real” job turned his mind into a mess. Well, making imaginary scenarios in your head about fucking up was enough to get someone restless.
Jean was the first to break the silence.
“I have something to complain, doc,” Jean said firmly, his arms crossed and eyes glued to Zeke’s relaxed form. “I don’t know what the hell are you really giving me this time, but I keep… I keep seeing him.”
Zeke hummed, tilting his head. “Him?”
The assistant mirrored Zeke, his eyes fixated on Jean.
“Don’t act like an idiot.” Jean gritted his teeth. “You know who I’m talking about—” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head, as if remembering where he was. “Oh, forgot you don’t actually give a shit.”
“…Ah,” Zeke blinked lazily, his hand looked inside his coat, only to remember that he didn’t have his cigarettes. “Your friend, right?”
That seemed to irk Jean more. “How thoughtful, doc.”
For a moment, Jean kept quiet, as if to try and recollect his thoughts. Even if he talked to a hole, to someone hollow, Jean appeared to wish for whatever anguish he carried to be out of his chest.
The assistant scribbled things on the paper.
“It’s only because of… those nasty meds you’ve been giving me.” Jean shuddered. He ran his hand through his hair. Another glance towards that spot was enough to worry the assistant; yet, now it seemed that Jean avoided to stare at it for too much. “Before that, I didn’t even hear him.”
Zeke tapped his finger on the table, his eyes not even sparing a glance towards the ghost. “You didn’t? Days ago, you said you were hearing his voice at night.”
Jean frowned. “I… didn’t. I thought I did, but I knew it wasn’t real.”
“Then, you did hear him?”
“I’m telling you I didn’t! I thought I did but I it wasn’t him.” Jean shook his head to try and dispel whatever mess was going on inside him. Then a shaky, humorless laugh came out from his lips. Brown eyes fixated on Zeke again, a death stare that quickly switched on. “I know what you’re trying to do, fucking four-eyes son of a bitch.”
Zeke’s gray eyes stared back at Jean’s.
After some minutes of contemplation, he spoke:
“You’ve been feeling paranoid lately. The medication is new in your system, it’s common to have side effects or have unexpected reactions.” Zeke opened his notebook, his pen already writing things [name] couldn’t see. “What else have you been feeling or seeing?”
Jean frowned, his eyes seemed to have a magnet towards that cursed spot.
The assistant tapped his fingers on the desk, eyes fixated ahead and thoughts wondering about that corner.
“I hear the people from the church.” His shoulders dropped from a second before tensing again. A glint of despair remained on his eyes, and the assistant noticed the man pressing his nails on his arm. "Head hurts too." He muttered.
The assistant’s finger stopped, his brows frowning. Church…? What church?
“It’s normal to have hallucinations since you’re taking this medication, it’s not out of the ordinary.” Zeke keep on writing as he rephrased what he said, not even sparing a look towards Jean.
Normal? The assistant tilted his head, his eyes glued to an imaginary spot as he recalled the current medications on the market. Hallucinations could be caused if he’s taking more than prescribed… or if there’s another medication being taken. Either way, that shouldn’t be normal. He knew the unexpected side effects of medications, but that didn’t mean that they should be shrugged like nothing.
“Normal? Hearing a dead guy talking to me is normal?” Jean snickered, but he let out a hollow laugh. “Bullshit. That med is venom—you’re giving me something else. I know it’s something else.”
“You’re worrying too much, Jean. Medication is advancing nowadays; testing them is a must.” Zeke’s black expression told enough—this ‘issue’ was over. “What we can do is prescribe a different medication so your state improves.”
Jean clenched his jaw, leaning back against the chair. His breath seemed to ease, but the burning glint on his eyes told a different story. The assistant wondered if he was containing from lashing out. “What would be the difference? I haven’t had a damn day of resting since taking all of that shit you force me to take.”
“All medication has side-effects. You are the one responsible to speak for yourself and let me know what works or doesn’t.” A simple answer. The assistant grimaced at such ruthless words.
Jean rolled his eyes. “You keep repeating the same shit every time, huh? Aren’t you a fucking expert, doc?” Jean grinned. “Am I really just a rat lab after all?”
Zeke stiffened for a split second. The assistant thought his boss would respond, yet nothing disrupted the silence.
Jean and Zeke glared at each other.
“Hmm,” Jean glimpsed at the glass. “These… Me seeing Marco again… that’s not normal.”
“Your situation isn’t ideal, per se.”
The assistant made a face.
“What a shitty thing to say, doc,” Jean snorted. He scratched his hair. “Anyway, that shit is not medication.”
“And how do you know it’s not?” Zeke’s tone was flat, yet, it also sounded cynical. Like a call center agent who had been in the phone with the same client for too long.
“I just know, what’s the fucking big deal? You saying I’m a druggie now or what?” The mocking tone aggravated Jean, as his voice got louder and his face reddened.
The assistant instinctively stood up.
Zeke cleared his throat, his dead-pan expression back. “No, Jean. We’ve talked about this plenty of times before. I’m only trying to help you but I need your cooperation as well.”
Jean opened his mouth to retort, but something invisible stopped him. His head turned to the left, his brows frowned and his eyes widened. The assistant noticed his hands shaking, his nails marking his skin.
Jean stood up abruptly.
“FUCK! Why I’m seeing him again?! Fucking do something about it, you useless man!” Jean threw his chair at the corner of the room and pressed his back against the other corner like a scared animal. “Why is he here?! You’re making me see him!”
The assistant walked out of the other room without thinking, his steps quick and clumsy as he went inside Zeke’s room. Everything happened in seconds—Jean’s clenched fists grabbing onto Zeke’s coat, their faces inches from each other. From here, the assistant thought it would be too easy for Jean to bite Zeke’s face off. Jean looked rabid.
“Calm down, Jean.” Zeke clenched his jaw, his hands trying to peel Jean off of him. He wrinkled his nose, his head turned away.
Jean glanced at the corner, at the other wall, at the glass, and something inside him snapped when whatever cursed ghost appearing only in his universe was everywhere around him, whispering things only he could hear. He slammed Zeke against the wall, his voice loud and choleric. “That’s not him! This is your doing, you think I don’t know?!”
“Jean!” The assistant tried to pry Jean away from Zeke, which only made Zeke push him away before Jean took a hold of him as well.
“Don’t get near!”
“But—!”
“Stay away!”
The assistant froze, his mind screaming what to do—help Zeke or call the guards. Jean was screaming things about “he’s there because of you,” “where’s Reiner,” “I’m gonna kill him,” “What are you giving me,” and other things that [name] couldn’t understand. Zeke yelling at him snapped him out of his panic and he rushed towards the door.
Maybe Jean’s screams alarmed whoever it was nearby, since it didn’t take much steps to find someone to help Zeke. Two guards came—one of them being the one Vincent was often. The assistant decided to stay outside to not be in anyone’s way, noticing how that guard sent him a glare.
Zeke came out with a bloody nose and a faint bruise on his cheek after some time. The assistant placed a hand on his forehead at the sight, clearly horrified.
“S-sir! Are you okay? I mean, despite the nosebleed?!” He took out a napkin from his coat pocket and gently pressed it against Zeke’s nose.
Zeke sighed, the touch from his assistant feeling divine. “Yes, kätzchen, I’m fine despite the nosebleed.” His hand pressed [name]’s hand against his nose, not leaving a chance to let [name] free. He stopped his assistant as the poor kätzchen tried to get away, which provoked the the poor deer to stare at him with slightly widened eyes.
“Uh… sir?”
“Hm? Thought my assistant was going to take care of his boss.” Zeke’s playful tone left the kätzchen bewildered—did the quarrel back there didn’t happen? Why did the man appeared careless?
Warmth grew on the assistant’s face. What’s with everyone doing whatever they want with me! “You can just keep the napkin,” the assistant muttered. His eyes glanced the other way, a small scowl present on his face.
“Or I can just keep my assistant around.” [name]’s hand freed when Zeke eased his grip. He hummed loudly, scratching his head with his other hand.
“Shouldn’t we go to the infirmary?” His assistant inquired.
Zeke raised a brow, as if he had heard something foolish. “For a simple nosebleed? No.”
The assistant let out a low, soft ‘okay’, waiting for Zeke’s orders. His boss seemed to think their next step.
The assistant noticed Jean’s screams had died down. His eyes glued to the door, his mind and body thorn if he should go inside. Just when he was going to take a step forward, Zeke’s grip on his arm stopped him.
“Get going, kätzchen. You must finish all the work you’ve been neglecting thanks to that day off.” Zeke already started walking without giving him another glance, expecting him to follow.
His assistant gave a last glance at the door. What can I do, anyway? He thought, and walked by Zeke’s side once more.
AOT | Reiss Mental Aylum 【AU/1970s】
⊹ pairings ; male!yandere!various x male!prettyboy!reader | [eren, jean, connie, armin, reiner, bertolt, zeke, erwin, levi, mike]
⊹ synopsis ; you start your first job working at reiss mental asylum: a place with not much information, but it should be a nice place to start, right? well... you couldn't have been more wrong.
⊹ general warnings ; DARK/DEAD DOVE/18+ THEMES. Non-consensual themes, non-con drug use, home invasion, yanderes, obsessive behavior, murder, abuse of power, power imbalance, manipulation, physical and mental abuse, ableism. read the masterlist for full warnings.
⊹ this chapter's warnings ; (wc. 7.5k) hallucinations, mentions of medication, zeke being an ass towards jean's worries and hallucinations...
thirteen << mlist >> fifteen
chapter 14.1
treats are for kids
“Nice to see you again…” Zeke glanced at the clock on the wall, but [name] knew he didn’t even really read it. “Thirty minutes after your shift.”
“I apologize for my absence, sir.” [name] patted, sweat on his face making him look even more chaotic. “I—I… just… fell… asleep...?”
“Asleep,” Zeke mockingly repeated.
Zeke stared at him with a blank face. [Name], on the other hand, was a mess. His clothes were a disaster, he breathed like he ran a marathon to get here, his hair was messy… The doctor didn’t try to hide his scornful laughter and just chuckled with no remorse in [name]’s face.
“How messy. Didn’t you look in a mirror before leaving?” Zeke said as he covered his smirk by the back of hand, but it was blatantly obvious he wanted to mock his assistant further.
[Name] tried to brush his hair, ashamed by his looks. He hadn’t even seen the mirror before leaving; he didn’t even think about his appearance. The thought of arriving to this place felt more stressful than ever; his mind was obviously in a hurry to arrive on time to not get into trouble. Well, that didn’t go too well, did it?
“I don’t look that bad, do I?” The assistant murmured while his fingers brushed the disheveled strands of hair.
“You look the same.” Zeke stopped just in front of him. His assistant didn’t even notice the lack of personal space between them until his boss had his hands fixing his collar. The soft touch on his skin made the assistant look at him with pressed lips.
“Wha, uh, erm…” He tried to say something, but nothing coherent came out. The proximity wasn’t that much of an issue, per se, yet… just feeling Zeke’s physical contact on him was enough to make him tense. Not in a bad way, but... Perhaps the whole place, including its people, was enough for him to slightly unsettle him these days.
“It must have been embarrassing coming all the way here with those looks.” Zeke had a certain glint in his eyes when he spoke. It was funny just to see how dumbly his little assistant could act by such senseless, foolish acts. That’s why he liked him—he brought funny entertainment to this rotting place. Because of that, seeing him disappear would be unsatisfactory.
Luckily, that will not happen.
[Name] felt his face warming up. He ignored the world around him while running here, but now he understood Margaret’s low ‘Oh my…’ when he passed by the reception. How embarrassing…! The assistant cringed, his hands turned into fists as he stared at the wall in shame. Zeke wanted to laugh when he noticed his assistant didn’t want to look at him out of his embarrassment.
“In any case,” the blond began, “you were called to Smith’s office.”
The assistant blinked and stared at Zeke. “Me?”
“Yes, little you.” [Name] cringed at how bitter that sounded. “Appears to be something more important than scolding your lateness. I wonder the reason.” Zeke’s eyes never left his face as he spoke the last sentence, quickly noticing [Name]’s form tensing.
“I… wonder.”
Zeke gently brushed [name]’s hair with his fingers. “And you didn’t forget about our deal, did you?”
“Deal…?” [Name] stared at Zeke, trying to look for the answer. Then the blond showed a small smirk.
Oh. Shit. His eyes widened when he remembered that childish deal. That stupid, idiotic deal. “The deal.”
The blond uncaringly fixed [name]’s coat. “Yes, the deal. Our deal.”
[Name] felt his insides turn. He gritted his teeth when his mind screamed at him how childish and foolish this whole thing was. “I don’t think I can do that.”
“You will.” Zeke scratched his ear as he stepped away. “Or Connie will be put away from your little sessions.”
“What?!” [Name] couldn’t stop himself from reacting. His shoulders raised in fright as he tried to hastily get near Zeke. “You didn’t say that back then! It was just to play a card game!”
Zeke seemed to find amusing by how quickly his mood shifted by the change of rules. He held his laugh for the fake respect his assistant deserved. “I changed my mind.”
The assistant felt betrayed—just… what did this man want? To watch him beg? To make a fool of himself? He bit his lips as he looked at the floor, clearly not happy with the sudden change of rules. “This is not funny.” Is this really how the real world works…?
“Doesn’t have to be for you.” He looked bored. Zeke walked to his desk, sat down, and leaned back against the chair. When he looked at his assistant, he couldn’t hide his smirk this time. “You should run, kätzchen; you’re late. Wouldn’t want to face eyebrows’ anger, if he even shows it to you, in any case.”
[Name] kept quiet. But, before he opened the door to leave, Zeke reminded him of what he had to do with a mocking, loud tone. [Name] just cringed and left without any word.
He won’t do it. He couldn’t. Erwin would fire him after such a foolish display…
But… he wanted that talk with Connie. He had the certainty that he could get something about… what was hidden from him, even if it wasn’t something that important. It wasn’t that much of a big deal, but Zeke had found his interest and played it against him for some stupid reason. Perhaps he just wanted to play him, making him look more like an idiot, to bully him, or to just make him give up.
The ‘adult’ world wasn’t how he had imagined, but he had been warned by people around him once. Foolish of him for not taking it seriously. Didn’t know my boss would act like a child!
It was infuriating, but he could play his cards too.
________________________
[Name] exhaled to try and clear his head before knocking on the door. He felt physically sick—with shaking hands and a somber expression, he waited for an answer.
In his mind formed plenty of different ways this situation would play out—would Erwin get angry at him? Well, of course. Would he fire him on the spot? Hopefully not. The poor assistant couldn’t stop the shaking in his hands as the unknown awaited right at the other side of the door.
Until a ‘come in’ from the other side was heard, [name] gulped and opened the door. There he was, Erwin behind his desk. The man supported his elbows on the surface, resting his fist under his cheek. As their eyes instantly met, Erwin’s features softened slightly. Even so, [name] couldn’t stop from cringing slightly as he entered the room.
“Good morning,” Erwin said his name as he greeted him, and [name] could notice a soft smile, barely present. The assistant greeted him back. “You are pretty late.” Erwin’s tone was gentler—a contrast from Zeke’s.
[Name] swallowed. “I’m sorry—it won’t happen again, sir. I just didn’t wake up on time and—”
Erwin raised his hand that caused [name] to press his lips tightly. What would he say? Would his paycheck be affected? If it was, then he would surely get kicked out of his apartment and—
“That’s not why I called you.” The blond dismissed his worries with his usual smile. “Perhaps you’ve forgotten: I called you to talk about our date.”
The assistant blinked, as if he tried to process the words like a computer. “…Date?”
“Yes. Date.” Erwin chuckled, his handsome features softening. [name] wondered if he worked as a model in his free time. “Many things have occurred lately, which had made you rather forgetful.”
The date. The damn date with Erwin. [Name] had indeed forgotten about it. The date… The dismissal of his lateness felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown at him, making his thoughts and worries look like noodles—he was baffled. This was a bizarre situation, wasn’t it? The date. The deal. Was he being played with?
But maybe, maybe if he played this right… something could work here.
“I didn’t forget at all!” [Name] clasped his hands together and grinned. “I was actually thinking where to go! After all, I don’t know much about you, sir.” He tried to play it off, clearly. Yet, as his tone turned firm and confident, the assistant noticed Erwin’s amused smile. He saw through him—but, perhaps…
“Is that so?” He rested his jaw on his palm, arching a brow. “And which places you’ve thought about, hmm? I thought we we’re just going for coffee, as I suggested.”
[Name] tilted his head and glanced everywhere but Erwin’s face. He hummed loudly. Think! THINK ABOUT ANYTHING IN THIS ROTTING CITY! “We should go to the movies!”
WHAT? ERWIN TO THE MOVIES? THE PLACE IS ROTTING!
The city was… not in a great shape, overall. It was barely a big city—it had enough to categorize it as one, but it was obvious it was neglected enough by its government to make it look like the worst part of New York, even if it was not New York.
There was another town near the hospital, though. But [name] had never gone there before, nor knew about what was available there. Going there was a gamble.
“Aaand… we should go to that coffee you mentioned after! I know one place that has very good bread as well.” He grinned. “Wouldn’t that be nice?”
“Very good bread, you say?” Erwin tapped the desk with his finger. His gaze bored onto the assistant as he playfully smirked at such amusing sight. “And you have decided on the movie? Or is that something else you’re going to improvise?” The director stood up, his imposing figure approaching [Name].
The deer laughed nervously. “Nothing about that! We can decide together as we get there. I’ve heard there’s a new horror movie, ehm… The Forgotten or something…? Ahem, I’ve heard it’s pretty good!”
Erwin’s amused smile didn’t falter. How cute, he thought. His figure towered over the deer’s as he stepped forward. Improvised or not, Erwin was counting the days of this date—the date that he had wished even before the assistant stepped into this white hell.
He leaned towards the assistant to say—whisper—something. Perhaps a silly thing that would make him feel shy, or…
Now or never, [name] thought nervously as his body cringed in preparation. He looks happy enough, better now that he’s in a good mood, right? Please still pay me. Please please please please plea—
With the lowest voice possible, he barely got it out: “Ehm… fuck off.” [name] tightly closed his eyes and waited for the worst. He was going to be fired. He was going to be in a missing person poster. Not only that, but he was going to disappear from the face of the planet if his beating heart didn’t kill him with a heart attack before.
Erwin blinked. And blinked again. And then, raised a brow. No word came out of those lips, but the poor deer could tell the sudden violence appalled or infuriated him. [name]’s figure was anything but confident—both his hands and legs trembled like a leaf. He turned paler, he bite his lower lip by the anxiety clouding his senses.
And then, Erwin’s voice, as deep and intimidating as it ever was, broke through the silence. “That wasn’t you, was it?”
The assistant played with his fingers while his eyes focused on the floor. He sounds really mad. I don’t even need to see his face to know he’s angry. The whole atmosphere shifted into something more… heavy, as if gravity forced him to shrink more and more. Ratting out Zeke didn’t sound viable. No—hearing Erwin’s voice told him enough to not try to even move.
After no answer, Erwin let out a strained chuckle. A shiver traveled down [name]’s spine. Had he ever seen this side of Erwin? Well… he had always been… playful...? Angrily playful. Or playfully angry. Even if the deer had messed up in the past days, there was certain protective anger.
The assistant went rigid as Erwin firmly, yet gently grabbed his jaw to lift his face. He cracked an eye open slightly as if he was a frightened child ready for punishment.
“I’m not mad,” Erwin said, but the assistant was anything but convinced. The man had a blank face that looked surprisingly calm, but anybody could tell those eyes held a glint of displeasure. “But don’t attempt a second time.” His commanding tone was enough to tell he was an authority that had to be respected, even if the deer was allowed to get away with certain things.
Erwin was a patient man, but he also had his limits.
Although he preferred his deer to reach beyond those limits.
“S…Sorry, sir…” [name] stuttering came back by such horror show. “It was just… a prank...? Heh…”
“A prank…” Erwin whispered, his grip tensing slightly. An unamused expression formed on his face as his eyes glanced somewhere else. “I can take a guess who’s the mastermind.”
The assistant flinched by Erwin’s grip. “Forgive me, sir.”
“I’ll forgive you if you call me Erwin instead.” His blue eyes returned to look at his deer, the playful glint once again present. His hand freed the deer’s jaw, not before his thumb ghosted a touch on the assistant’s lower lip.
This was the right time to switch tactics, then. Do it for Connie and the truth!
“Of course, Erwin!” [name] tried to calm his nerves and play his cards this round. He nodded eagerly, staring right into Erwin’s eyes.
The blond hummed at such shift, but said: “You may go now.” He retreated to his seat behind the desk.
[name] was more than ready to leave, but stopped after he turned away. He faced Erwin once again, who had a raised eyebrow at what the little assistant was going to do next. The deer shifted his play—hiding his hands behind his back, playing with his foot, and lowering his head slightly to see Erwin under his eyelashes.
“Um… Erwin…” He softly spoke, which took Erwin’s attention pretty quickly. The man narrowed his eyes by such… act. “I just… wanted to ask something reaaally small…? If I may, of course!”
Erwin kept quiet as he took a hint on what was going on. He chuckled softly and leaned against the seat, his hands folded on his lap. “What is it?”
“I, uhm… I was wondering if…” [name] brushed some strands of hair behind his ear. “If you can let Connie and I play Uno in the next session…”
Erwin shifted his posture. He rested his elbow on the desk, and tapped his finger on the surface, eyes impassive but unwavering.
Can’t win if I don’t make a fool of myself, huh…
“Uno?” Erwin tilted his head, his eyes having a glint of interest.
“It’s a card game! It’s… recent, but fun,” the assistant explained. “Maybe we can play it sometime between breaks.”
Erwin hummed. The assistant didn’t know if the man was preparing to reject his idea or giving it a thought, so he acted before the blond even opened his mouth.
“It’s just that… I think it would be a nice way to get closer to him, that’s all.” [name] pouted slightly, his eyebrows frowning. He had done things like this so Porco accepted to go out: it practically should work. “I asked Zeke for permission, but he wasn’t really… convinced. Is there anything that could be done…?”
Erwin’s lips twitched upwards momentarily at the blatant way the assistant was asking for his approval. He rested his cheek on his knuckles while he thought about how pretty his deer looked—so well behaved. Smart, too, since he learned quickly.
“I’ll talk to him.” That was another way to say ‘His opinion doesn’t matter.’
“Really?!” [name]’s eyes seemed to have shiny stars in his eyes by the green light. Such happy puppy made Erwin smile briefly.
“Sure. I have to discuss something with him, in any case.”
“Thank you!” The assistant smiled brightly. “Well then, let’s see each other on our date tomorrow, Erwin!”
After that, both said their farewells, and [name] left in a good mood.
Erwin kept still as his eyes bored into the door where his deer left. To know that four-eyes could easily command such… jokes for the assistant to do made his blood boil. And to him? Ha, Zeke didn’t give a shit when he knew he was untouchable. Even if Erwin desired his disappearance, it was just not possible when they had hired him personally.
Ah… well, such thing didn’t matter. Not if he took what he really wanted—that assistant. That, little deer that he had seen years ago. If they had met once again, even in this rotting facade, it had to be destiny. Oh, no. Erwin didn’t believe in such things, but… [name] made him hold such foolish thoughts sometimes.
And he was just as he remembered him to be—the very same… Just that this time he wouldn’t let him go out his sight.
At least his life of ambition had another type of goal now.
_______________________________
The assistant contently hummed as he walked in the halls. He had taken a small step forward today, but the day of truth was when he met Connie again. Even so, he hoped Zeke didn’t have anything under his sleeve to ruin that… Vincent and him had to think about something.
His thoughts halted when he spotted who he looked forward to seeing.
“Vincent!” The assistant grinned. “I was just thinking of you!” He hurriedly approached Vincent, who gave back his charismatic grin.
“Same here.” Vincent brushed some of the assistant’s messy hairs. “Rough morning, eh? I saw you running to your office.”
“You saw?! Ugh…” He sighed, not noticing how his shoulders relaxed as Vincent’s fingers brushed his hair. “I overslept, and I almost lost the bus…”
The guard hummed, backing away. Then, he placed his hand on the assistant’s temples. “How’re you feeling now? Tried to call you, but, uh… didn’t know you had company.” He chuckled softly, narrowing his eyes a little.
The assistant nervously chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck. “Well, I didn’t expect visits either… sorry for that call. I didn’t expect him to be… that rude.”
“No biggie, sweets. It’s not like I don’t know him.” He grinned and crossed his arms. “You gonna go somewhere now? Or can we have a short walk in the gardens?”
The assistant checked his watch. “I have… twenty minutes, actually.” He looked back at the guard and smiled. “But I wanted to grab something at the cafeteria…”
“No problem, handsome.” Vincent grinned widely, taking something out of his jacket—a packed sandwich. “Your bodyguard here just coincidentally thought you didn’t have breakfast.”
Both of them agreed to go for a quick break to the gardens. The morning was pretty normal—some patients walked around and busied themselves with their corresponding activities, others decided to strike conversations with some workers around (mostly guards).
[name] found a bench, while Vincent decided to stay on his feet to not look like he wasn’t laying down on the job.
They talked of mundane things first. Vincent liked movies, although since he took this job he was too tired to go. The assistant could relate to the stress this job could have, but proposed that both of them went out once they shared a day off. [name] also learned that Vincent was considering finding a job as a cook in a restaurant, since he had “other priorities for the future and didn't want to rot in here,” whatever that meant.
Priorities for the future… that left the assistant wonder about his own. The patients couldn’t stay at the hospital forever, right? They would get better and leave one day. Although his job was to help those affected with the stigma of society, those whom mental illnesses were mocked by those “normal” in society, he couldn’t stop thinking that this place… was too violent...? It was pretty far as well. Trying to find a more accessible job wouldn't hurt.
Plus, now that he thought of it… had there been any relatives around? Visits were a must when someone close to you was in treatment… Yet he hadn't seen anyone different. He should ask Zeke later about this.
“Do your parents know you work here, Vincent?” The assistant looked at the guard with a curious peep as he took a bite of the sandwich.
Vincent became still for a moment, but quickly a stiff smile formed. “Well…” he rubbed the back of his neck. “Yes…? Well—actually… eh…”
[name] cringed after he realized his hasty imprudence. Vincent had already told him that he had no contact with his parents the other day—did his thoughts wandered that far? “Jesus—I’m sorry, Vincent, I forgot! I just was thinking about something and it just came out… I mean, sorry, oof…” He physically shut his mouth, facepalming. How did I forget?
“No, no, it’s fine, sweets.” He dismissed it with his hand. “Things have been… different lately. Just… complicated. My mom and I… don’t have the best of relationships, you know? Just…” He sighed, every word physically hurtful to take out.
The assistant kept quiet, not wanting to make this more awkward. It seemed Vincent was collecting his thoughts, anyway.
“My mom has… some… problems, err… with drugs,” he spoke lowly, his thumb scratching his palm. He didn’t look at the assistant. “It’s hard to talk to her when she just… doesn’t want to listen to me, so I don’t call her that much.” His eyes stared at the grass, resembling a child.
Vincent was tense, the assistant could notice. He looked shameful, and [name] knew very well why. There had been an epidemic of drugs all over the nation, and the city had took a big hit because of it. Most people turned a blind eye towards those who didn’t “handle” drugs, and often received such rough treatment that made [name] wonder how cruel people where with those who were vulnerable.
[name] tried to keep up with any news about solving the issue. As far as he knew, there was barely a helpful program in the works. Of course, this city wasn’t in the eye of the government. At least not to help, that is.
“Does she live in the city?” He couldn’t help but ask lowly.
“In the town nearby, actually. I don’t visit her, though.” He grimaced. “She also has visits I don’t particularly get along with.”
The assistant could get a hint about what he meant. The remembrance of the past made something ache on his back—a permanent gift. “I see.” He unconsciously rubbed his left shoulder, his eyes absent and sandwich forgotten.
Vincent quickly picked up the change between them and patted the assistant’s shoulder with gentleness. “Come on, I didn’t share that to make you feel bad.” He let out another sigh. “This has been going for too long. Don’t sweat it.”
The assistant felt bad for making Vincent open up and confess something so personal, but he didn’t know what to say to make a compensation. Perhaps a secret of his own would make them even. “I… had someone who wasn’t particularly fond of me, either.”
Vincent stared at [name], who now avoided his gaze.
“Maybe your mom and this person don’t share the same problem, but maybe they said the same things.” He rubbed the bread, his lips pressing together for a moment. “So, I understand what you mean.” He showed a weak smile as he met Vincent’s stare. "But we're here now, despite it all."
Perhaps between two souls who had been shattered by the people they loved, certain secret codes between the lines were clearer. Only those who had suffered, understand each other’s pain better.
“I have tried to make her quit, you know?” Vincent broke the silence again, perhaps more comfortable by being understood. “Almost succeed one time, but… her boyfriend at the time was an addict, too, so he didn’t want his main ‘income’ to rehabilitate. There’s not many places, anyway…” He clenched his jaw and passed a hand on his face."
"The treatment is.. too rough. I’ve heard about a new program available but, this city… it's just completely abandoned.” Vincent crossed his arms, his eyes distant.
The assistant tried to come out with a solution. Oh, how nice it would be if you could solve your friends’ struggles with the snap of your fingers… but people like them were meant to struggle through life—their fate seemed to decide that.
Even him, who was supposed to help others, was often lead to dead ends.
Vincent was a nice person, he could tell. There was a thing that made him softer, someone… normal? Being with him felt like being back to his student years. The people from the hospital were… nice, but… he felt… as if walking on eggshells. Vincent brought comfort only one so honest could give.
“You know,” the assistant started to say, “back then I—”
“So here you were,” a voice they knew very well made them both flinch. “And with that… guard.” Zeke stood behind them, exhaling the cigarette smoke. His eyes fixated on Vincent in particular, not giving even a glance to his assistant.
The assistant felt cold immediately after checking his watch in fright. Fifteen minutes late. Oh, I’m… oh. “Sir!” He stood quickly, his wide eyes fixated on the grass. “Sorry, I didn’t see the time!”
Zeke hummed, taking a drag of his cigarette. “Seems Mr. Guard here has been keeping you away with meaningless chatter?” He narrowed his eyes, momentarily glancing behind the guard before retreating his focus back to him. “Will this interfere with your job, kätzchen? Or should we fire… which one of you?”
The assistant’s heart hurt. “What?” The assistant’s widened eyes stared at Zeke, who just stared back without much emotion. “He doesn’t—He didn’t—”
“He didn’t?”
“I’m—”
“It’s my fault, I didn’t see the time,” Vincent cut through them, his stare matching Zeke’s. The blond’s eye twitched but didn't back off. “I was just making him eat breakfast, since he looked pale.”
That simple, firm excuse bothered Zeke. “Ah, so you volunteer to get fired? That’s much easier.” Zeke’s sarcastic tone made [name] flinch. There was a false normality in it, if [name] didn’t catch the tension beneath those words; Zeke's hiding hand in his coat pocket, gripping something.
“Zeke,” the assistant seemed to plead, and oh, how Zeke found it amusing how easy it was to force that look on his pretty face. “I’m sorry, okay? It will no happen again.” The assistant didn’t dare to question Zeke’s power inside the institution, if it was true or not, now wasn’t the time to test it. Not when it felt like Vincent was the only person who gave him sanity. If he left…
The assistant swallowed.
“Come,” Zeke merely ordered without even sparing him a glance. His voice came out rougher than he intended, and the assistant didn’t dare to look back at Vincent when he obeyed.
Zeke turned and walked away with [name].
Silence lingered during their walk back to the building.
Once they got to the reception, Margaret happily greeted them. But, just as Zeke passed by, her face told [name] everything. The old lady even made a face without Zeke looking before loudly gasping. “I almost forgot! Sweetheart! You got a call from… uh…”
Margaret looked through her notebook, her eyes squinting to read the lines. “Aha!” The assistant didn’t notice Zeke had stopped to stare at them. “Some… Mr. Woodburn? Said to give him a call if you could!”
The assistant blinked. Woodburn…? “Uhm, are you sure he was Woodburn?” He repeated the name as he tilted his head.
“Yeah! I made him repeat it because he seemed annoyed by me by not understanding him!” She chuckled, finding joy in the smallest things.
Woodburn… His brows furrowed. Annoyed…? Oh! Then [name] blinked and straightened as if realizing. “I see! Well—”
“Are you going to keep me waiting, doctor?” Zeke’s voice cut through with clear venom. The assistant’s body winced and immediately followed him like a dog.
Margaret mumbled something under her breath. “Someone is emotional today…”
“I’m sorry!” [name] tucked some strands of hair behind his ear. “I didn’t mean to, Zeke.” He muttered, staring at the ground.
Zeke glanced at him for a moment as they walked, then let out an exasperated sigh. “See? I’m not with you for a moment and you do all this ruckus.” He brushed a strand of hair behind [name]’s ear. “Staying with that useless guard? In the garden? You don't even know who he is.”
“Vincent is a good coworker,” the assistant was quick to defend his new found friend. He looked at Zeke, his eyes pleading for a chance of gentleness. When he caught Zeke's features softening, he felt like breathing again. “Why would the guards be dangerous? They get background checks, haven’t they?” He spoke more openly now that Zeke appeared more relaxed.
Zeke watched him, and his eyes returned to see ahead.. “Doesn’t matter. You don’t know who they are. And why are you questioning me? I’m your superior. Act like a pretty assistant and keep doing what I order you to do.”
Ugh! Not the “superior” thing! I’m so—
Once they went inside their office, Zeke slammed the door behind them and cornered his assistant against the wall. He grabbed [name]’s jaw with enough force to sting, but the thumb rubbing his lower lip gave enough false comfort to patch his roughness.
“Such a funny face you made,” he lazily spoke, his tone low but heavy. His eyes engraved to his assistant’s, perhaps holding back something. “My assistant as been acting rebellious lately, don’t you think?” Zeke clenched his jaw, the softness gone.
“Sorry,” the assistant breathed out, his eyes wide. Did I make a face? “I didn’t mean—”
“You didn’t mean to,” he brushed [name]’s hair, and he sighed again. As if the whole thing was something so annoying. So pitiful. “Talk to me, kätzchen. We can’t go back and forth like this if you don’t say what’s wrong.” He freed his hold and backed away.
Zeke leaned against the desk, his hands on his coat’s pockets. “That guard,” he licked the back of his teeth. “What has that guard been telling my assistant?”
What followed was the echo of the old clock ticking. Neither of them moved. Unforgiving eyes glued to the lonely deer in the corner. Cold eyes that gutted his prey while looking down at him. A man that was not afraid of giving punishment.
I shouldn't say anything. The deer thought. I feel… This doesn't feel right. He swallowed.
“Nothing,” [name] muttered, but let out a shaky sigh and recovered. “He has just been kind with me.”
Zeke blinked. “Kind.” He scratched his cheek, humming loudly. “Kind is not keeping my assistant in childish dates to be late. Do you wish to be fired? To be punished thanks to someone like him? You can accomplish greater things, but I can’t put aside how you've been acting lately.”
The assistant caught himself before saying anything. Hearing how rough Zeke talked about Vincent, someone so genuine and honest, made his stomach feel funny. But even he, a naive assistant with no experience, knew better than to run his mouth.
We are going to be thrown at the real world, a classmate had said once when those times fearing about the future came. It’s just ‘nod your head and look down.’
It was real, not matter where you were going. Even if your job was help other people. Nothing was fair because you are not above them.
Wait. He paused. Did Erwin already talk to him?
Zeke narrowed his eyes.
“My assistant can be gullible, which is why I have been tolerant for some time now.” He sighed. “What do you think making your boss look like a fool will get you to? Me foolishly congratulate you? Don’t forget you’re are my assistant. Mine. Not Erwin’s, not Vincent’s.
You’re under my wing. Which means you do as I say, when I say it. Or have you forgotten how easily wings can be clipped? In this place, with barbarians like them walking with us…”
Zeke rambled cruelty words that [name] blurred out. His own mind had its own mess provoked by this argument.
I know… I can do something.
Can you?
I’m strong.
Repeat it until you believe it, sweetheart.
“Sorry.” [name] didn't notice his feet guiding him to Zeke. An automatic response.
Zeke fixed his assistant’s collar and patted his shoulder. “Accepting your mistakes is enough for me, kätzchen. But I will not be lenient next time.” His hands cupped [name]’s face so their eyes met. “This is just for your precaution. You’ve already seen the violence of those… barbarians.”
The sight of blood and death had certainly made him sick. Perhaps Zeke had some points, above his rough handling. He was just an assistant, a newbie. What was he thinking?
The assistant shyly stared back. Zeke’s eyes had turned softer, less strict. Like a mother who had been too cruel and now tried to soothe. His eyes darted away. “I understand.”
Hands stilled for a moment before letting go. “Good.”
This time, his job was to observe Zeke work with Jean. Perhaps [name] was in “time-out” after today. But he knew better than to open his mouth again, so he nodded and followed Zeke like a good boy.
Good boys deserve treats.
I don't need your treats.
[name]’s thoughts dissolved when Zeke’s hand pressed against his chest, halting his steps. The assistant glanced up at Zeke, who stared back at him cautiously.
“My assistant is dreaming awake. Wake up.” It was then that [name] noticed he was so close to hit his face with the door—his nose barely brushed against it.
Another quick apology from him before he hurried to the other room. He sat down behind the desk against the glass, opening his small notebook. Jean was already at the other side of the glass.
[name] observed Jean’s side profile. He looked pale, his eyes occasionally glancing at the corner on his left as if he expected someone to be there.
Zeke settled on the other side of the desk, in front of Jean. Zeke looked careless about Jean’s anxiety or his constant checking on that empty spot of the room.
Zeke knows what he’s doing. Let’s just learn. [name] sighed, rubbing his temples. Maybe he had been overthinking—he still had a long road ahead, perhaps this being his first “real” job turned his mind into a mess. Well, making imaginary scenarios in your head about fucking up was enough to get someone restless.
Jean was the first to break the silence.
“I have something to complain, doc,” Jean said firmly, his arms crossed and eyes glued to Zeke’s relaxed form. “I don’t know what the hell are you really giving me this time, but I keep… I keep seeing him.”
Zeke hummed, tilting his head. “Him?”
The assistant mirrored Zeke, his eyes fixated on Jean.
“Don’t act like an idiot.” Jean gritted his teeth. “You know who I’m talking about—” He rolled his eyes, shaking his head, as if remembering where he was. “Oh, forgot you don’t actually give a shit.”
“…Ah,” Zeke blinked lazily, his hand looked inside his coat, only to remember that he didn’t have his cigarettes. “Your friend, right?”
That seemed to irk Jean more. “How thoughtful, doc.”
For a moment, Jean kept quiet, as if to try and recollect his thoughts. Even if he talked to a hole, to someone hollow, Jean appeared to wish for whatever anguish he carried to be out of his chest.
The assistant scribbled things on the paper.
“It’s only because of… those nasty meds you’ve been giving me.” Jean shuddered. He ran his hand through his hair. Another glance towards that spot was enough to worry the assistant; yet, now it seemed that Jean avoided to stare at it for too much. “Before that, I didn’t even hear him.”
Zeke tapped his finger on the table, his eyes not even sparing a glance towards the ghost. “You didn’t? Days ago, you said you were hearing his voice at night.”
Jean frowned. “I… didn’t. I thought I did, but I knew it wasn’t real.”
“Then, you did hear him?”
“I’m telling you I didn’t! I thought I did but I it wasn’t him.” Jean shook his head to try and dispel whatever mess was going on inside him. Then a shaky, humorless laugh came out from his lips. Brown eyes fixated on Zeke again, a death stare that quickly switched on. “I know what you’re trying to do, fucking four-eyes son of a bitch.”
Zeke’s gray eyes stared back at Jean’s.
After some minutes of contemplation, he spoke:
“You’ve been feeling paranoid lately. The medication is new in your system, it’s common to have side effects or have unexpected reactions.” Zeke opened his notebook, his pen already writing things [name] couldn’t see. “What else have you been feeling or seeing?”
Jean frowned, his eyes seemed to have a magnet towards that cursed spot.
The assistant tapped his fingers on the desk, eyes fixated ahead and thoughts wondering about that corner.
“I hear the people from the church.” His shoulders dropped from a second before tensing again. A glint of despair remained on his eyes, and the assistant noticed the man pressing his nails on his arm. "Head hurts too." He muttered.
The assistant’s finger stopped, his brows frowning. Church…? What church?
“It’s normal to have hallucinations since you’re taking this medication, it’s not out of the ordinary.” Zeke keep on writing as he rephrased what he said, not even sparing a look towards Jean.
Normal? The assistant tilted his head, his eyes glued to an imaginary spot as he recalled the current medications on the market. Hallucinations could be caused if he’s taking more than prescribed… or if there’s another medication being taken. Either way, that shouldn’t be normal. He knew the unexpected side effects of medications, but that didn’t mean that they should be shrugged like nothing.
“Normal? Hearing a dead guy talking to me is normal?” Jean snickered, but he let out a hollow laugh. “Bullshit. That med is venom—you’re giving me something else. I know it’s something else.”
“You’re worrying too much, Jean. Medication is advancing nowadays; testing them is a must.” Zeke’s black expression told enough—this ‘issue’ was over. “What we can do is prescribe a different medication so your state improves.”
Jean clenched his jaw, leaning back against the chair. His breath seemed to ease, but the burning glint on his eyes told a different story. The assistant wondered if he was containing from lashing out. “What would be the difference? I haven’t had a damn day of resting since taking all of that shit you force me to take.”
“All medication has side-effects. You are the one responsible to speak for yourself and let me know what works or doesn’t.” A simple answer. The assistant grimaced at such ruthless words.
Jean rolled his eyes. “You keep repeating the same shit every time, huh? Aren’t you a fucking expert, doc?” Jean grinned. “Am I really just a rat lab after all?”
Zeke stiffened for a split second. The assistant thought his boss would respond, yet nothing disrupted the silence.
Jean and Zeke glared at each other.
“Hmm,” Jean glimpsed at the glass. “These… Me seeing Marco again… that’s not normal.”
“Your situation isn’t ideal, per se.”
The assistant made a face.
“What a shitty thing to say, doc,” Jean snorted. He scratched his hair. “Anyway, that shit is not medication.”
“And how do you know it’s not?” Zeke’s tone was flat, yet, it also sounded cynical. Like a call center agent who had been in the phone with the same client for too long.
“I just know, what’s the fucking big deal? You saying I’m a druggie now or what?” The mocking tone aggravated Jean, as his voice got louder and his face reddened.
The assistant instinctively stood up.
Zeke cleared his throat, his dead-pan expression back. “No, Jean. We’ve talked about this plenty of times before. I’m only trying to help you but I need your cooperation as well.”
Jean opened his mouth to retort, but something invisible stopped him. His head turned to the left, his brows frowned and his eyes widened. The assistant noticed his hands shaking, his nails marking his skin.
Jean stood up abruptly.
“FUCK! Why I’m seeing him again?! Fucking do something about it, you useless man!” Jean threw his chair at the corner of the room and pressed his back against the other corner like a scared animal. “Why is he here?! You’re making me see him!”
The assistant walked out of the other room without thinking, his steps quick and clumsy as he went inside Zeke’s room. Everything happened in seconds—Jean’s clenched fists grabbing onto Zeke’s coat, their faces inches from each other. From here, the assistant thought it would be too easy for Jean to bite Zeke’s face off. Jean looked rabid.
“Calm down, Jean.” Zeke clenched his jaw, his hands trying to peel Jean off of him. He wrinkled his nose, his head turned away.
Jean glanced at the corner, at the other wall, at the glass, and something inside him snapped when whatever cursed ghost appearing only in his universe was everywhere around him, whispering things only he could hear. He slammed Zeke against the wall, his voice loud and choleric. “That’s not him! This is your doing, you think I don’t know?!”
“Jean!” The assistant tried to pry Jean away from Zeke, which only made Zeke push him away before Jean took a hold of him as well.
“Don’t get near!”
“But—!”
“Stay away!”
The assistant froze, his mind screaming what to do—help Zeke or call the guards. Jean was screaming things about “he’s there because of you,” “where’s Reiner,” “I’m gonna kill him,” “What are you giving me,” and other things that [name] couldn’t understand. Zeke yelling at him snapped him out of his panic and he rushed towards the door.
Maybe Jean’s screams alarmed whoever it was nearby, since it didn’t take much steps to find someone to help Zeke. Two guards came—one of them being the one Vincent was often. The assistant decided to stay outside to not be in anyone’s way, noticing how that guard sent him a glare.
Zeke came out with a bloody nose and a faint bruise on his cheek after some time. The assistant placed a hand on his forehead at the sight, clearly horrified.
“S-sir! Are you okay? I mean, despite the nosebleed?!” He took out a napkin from his coat pocket and gently pressed it against Zeke’s nose.
Zeke sighed, the touch from his assistant feeling divine. “Yes, kätzchen, I’m fine despite the nosebleed.” His hand pressed [name]’s hand against his nose, not leaving a chance to let [name] free. He stopped his assistant as the poor kätzchen tried to get away, which provoked the the poor deer to stare at him with slightly widened eyes.
“Uh… sir?”
“Hm? Thought my assistant was going to take care of his boss.” Zeke’s playful tone left the kätzchen bewildered—did the quarrel back there didn’t happen? Why did the man appeared careless?
Warmth grew on the assistant’s face. What’s with everyone doing whatever they want with me! “You can just keep the napkin,” the assistant muttered. His eyes glanced the other way, a small scowl present on his face.
“Or I can just keep my assistant around.” [name]’s hand freed when Zeke eased his grip. He hummed loudly, scratching his head with his other hand.
“Shouldn’t we go to the infirmary?” His assistant inquired.
Zeke raised a brow, as if he had heard something foolish. “For a simple nosebleed? No.”
The assistant let out a low, soft ‘okay’, waiting for Zeke’s orders. His boss seemed to think their next step.
The assistant noticed Jean’s screams had died down. His eyes glued to the door, his mind and body thorn if he should go inside. Just when he was going to take a step forward, Zeke’s grip on his arm stopped him.
“Get going, kätzchen. You must finish all the work you’ve been neglecting thanks to that day off.” Zeke already started walking without giving him another glance, expecting him to follow.
His assistant gave a last glance at the door. What can I do, anyway? He thought, and walked by Zeke’s side once more.
i take them into consideration. if you read my warnings and considerations, i'm a super extremely slow writer, and mind you i have requests from 2020..... if that doesn't stop you, go ahead! even if im an unreliable pos im happy when people req things ;D
★ can i translate your works?
i only give permission to translate series/works with multiple chapters! just give me the link of where you will post it so i can share it, give me credits (my tumblr or ao3), and i ask you to not completely use an MT. You can use it to assist you, but you have to do your work as a translator too (just like i suffered writing it, lol) MT are unreliable with fanfics. also, you can ask me anything anytime.
★ when will you update / are you alive
yes, unfortunately, i'm still alive. i don't give anymore estimates because i give false hope lmao! i know people dont like this answer but the update comes when the updates come...
shingeki no kyojin // erwin ; levi ; zeke ; reiner ; berutoto ; eren
love and deep space // sylus ; caleb ; sometimes xavier
jujutsu kaisen // toji ; sukuna ; nanamin ; ...sometimes gojo... (only in certain scenarios. like when he's considered a danger to the world and he knows it so he likes to joke how he can kill many people by the snaps of his fingers if he so wants to :0. sorry, i don't like his character that much to make normal works ;;)
★ Dead dove/dark/whump. Some works may be darker than others, but my post will always have tags at the start of the post so, if someone sees them, know if they want to read it or not. some warnings may vary with the following: yanderes, stalking, obsessive behavior, possessive behavior, murder/death, violence, kidnapping, abuse, dub-con/non-con, (pseudo)incest, and other warnings depending on the work. always read the tags and don't ignore them, anon!
★ Heavy angst. look... i write my protagonists with much misery or with the intent to make them suffer because i want them to suffer as much as i do so i can identify and relate to something in this life ;; which, some works may vary with the following: depression, anxiety, self-destructive behaviors, sad endings, low-self stem, self-hatred, and other warnings depending on the work. if you get easily influenced by themes like this and consider they worsen your mental health, don't read them, please! consider your health first.
> THINGS TO CONSIDER
★ Slow posting. my inspiration has vanished along with my desire to consume more media. i'm stuck in the past and i don't take the future with joy. so! my updates are once in two years or maybe once a month... but i always have you all in my mind lol sorry anons i'm a loser.
★ Bad writing. english is not my first language, so my works have grammatical and many other types of mistakes... consider that when you spot a cringy mistake in the wild ;; i don't have a beta i die like myself. also i over-describe a lot... it's to make the misery hit deeper, okay?! ;; srry for making walls of text.
> UNLIKELY TO WRITE
★ Fluff, tooth-rotting works. look... anon... fluff... i like it, but i can't make it. im bad at it and my writer's block is worse when i try to write fluff. if you make a req for fluff... the fluff will come with angst. i don't make the rules. beware im a menace and nobody is safe >:)
★ Smut. i absolutely can't, unless i need it for the plot. but it will be cringy. it will be embarrassing. i can't make stories focused on smut because i can barely describe a sad face ;; the most i can do is drabbles/concepts with suggestive content. i can give you a kiss but that will be enough to make the characters pregnant. i'm practicing tho!
