Karen

i don't think that i'm important enough to be saved.

[karppuchino]

it's cold and i'm tired. not exactly tired you know, it's just easier to say that i'm tired. actually it's the sadness again. creeping around the corner slowly making room in my life again. weighting me down, making me numb. and i've started to like it. for once i'm not angry that it's back, i'm welcoming it back like an old friend. just like it never even left me.

[karppuchino]

i thought that this year things would turn out better. that i had a reason to wake up every day. that i had friends who i loved. that for once i wouldn't feel so miserable. but it's july now and i honestly do not know what to feel. this year has been everything i wanted and nothing that i wanted. i've lost people from my life that were more important to me than they knew. i've seen people go through things that no one should go through. i've gained more weight than i'd ever tought. i relapsed. more than a few times. i've grown more than i could've possibly imagined. in a good and a bad way.

this has been such a year. good and bad. and i don't know where this year will end up.

[karppuchino]

its funny. i always thought that i wouldn't make it to twenty years old. i had my head wrapped up in the idea that i would end it and i never really planned my life forward. now i have made it. i am here despite it all. and yet i have no idea what i want or what im supposed to do because planning was never part of my idea. but i made it here and all of the sudden life doesnt seem so bad. i am actually happy that i made it here and i can start planning for the next 80 years.

[karppuchino]

it's just that i've reached a point where i don't care anymore. it doesn't matter what clothes i put on in the morning. i don't care about what i eat next or wheter or not i eat at all. it doesn't matter that my friends are all hanging out and yet again i said no to them when they asked wheter i was coming with them or not. i don't wear a seatbelt in the car anymore because i don't care. i have reached the point where i cannot see the point in living or functioning like a normal person. i have stopped caring. and i know that it's bad and i should care about things. i just can't find the point in anything anymore and honestly, i don't even mind.

-k.k

[karppuchino]

i am hard to love. but i am forever grateful for your love, even if you decide that loving me was too much for you. i am grateful for all those nights you stayed up with me when the tears didn't stop. when the world felt too cruel to me and all i wanted to do was to give up. i am grateful that each and everytime you picked me up and pieced me back together. please don't give up on me just yet.

k.k / grateful

[prettypositivity]

don’t feel bad for not checking up on people when they aren’t checking up on you either

[karppuchino]

why do you have the power to make me feel so loved yet so unloved, both at the same time?

k.k / oh why

[karppuchino]

lately things have been falling apart and i do not have any control over them. things are getting worse again but i'm not willing to admit it to anyone. and i've been wondering, because to me this is a hard question; how do you tell a person you love with all your heart that you're tired of this world and you want to give up? that it's been cruel to you lately and everything's a mess and you can't breathe, you can't function. that you just do not want to wake up and you just want it to end. how do you tell that to someone who you hold so dear to your heart?

tired / k.k

[helpingg]

“I wish people could just say how they feel like ‘Hey I really don’t like when you do that to me’ or ‘Hey I’m in love with you’ or ‘Hi I really miss you and I think about you all the time’ without sounding desperate. Why can’t everyone be painfully honest and just save people the trouble.”

— Unknown

[karppuchino]

you should have talked about those things, but you didn't. you laid silently in the bed while i slept and you kept thinking about it. you could have said something but you chose to keep your mouth closed. you kept those thoughts in, wrapped in neatly like christmas presents. you didn't let them out, but instead you let them eat you slowly from the inside. you thought it would be best, and perhaps easiest, to not talk about it, to not cause an another fight between us. but it was not. it was the easy way out. i know that i was hurting, and i still am, and that doesn't justify me hurting you but maybe just maybe if we would've talked about things we would still be we. i know that it's too late to look back on things and wish something would've worked out differently. but maybe we just weren't meant to be.

- i hope you have learned to talk // k.k

[karppuchino]

i don't know if we'll be alright this time. it's just that it's getting harder to breath when you feel like your six feet under water. and i want to make this work, i really do. it just feels like it's getting harder and harder each day passing and i'm not sure how long i can do this. i want you and i need you but this is tearing me apart, even though i love you more than anything.

hurt // k.k

[karppuchino]

i know that this is supposed to be getting better. i know that this ache that’s been lingering in my chest should start to fade away. but every time i see a picture or someone says your name it all comes back. all the hurt and pain. all i can think about is walking back in to that house.

last time i visited your house all i could think of that you were going to be there. you would be sitting in the living room in that chair you always enjoyed. when i saw that chair, empty, and your bed, empty of sheets and pillows, i started crying. it wasn’t necessarily for the fact that you were dead but more to the realisation that you were actually gone. that now you laid six feet underground, dead, and you were not coming back no matter how much i wanted.

[karppuchino]

i love you. dear god i love everything about you. i love you more than anything but lately i've been finding myself thinking that is this what i really want? i want to make this work but it feels like it's too much. i want to try but what if i'm getting tired of trying? what if this isn't what i want anymore? what if we would be better apart? it hurts to think about this so much but what if this is what's supposed to happen to us?

[karppuchino]

the’re are all these drunk people, laughing, smiling, kissing. i know them all too well. the room is spinning around me, my dress is too short, there’s that ache again in my heart. i get up and stumble to get my cigarettes. i go outside without shoes because at this point there’s no point of putting them on. i light up my smoke and instantly the tears start to flow and i can’t help but wonder; why do i keep doing this to myself?

[karppuchino]

i mean i want to get better. i want to be able to say that i’m happy with my life and that things are okay. i really do. it’s just i can’t. i keep screwing up everything, i keep hurting everyone around me, i can’t do anything right. i am just one messed up failure. i’m just a whining baby who can’t handle life. i should stop complaining and just suck it up and move on.

not okay with myself // k.k

[karppuchino]

1. i'm scared that he'll get tired of me one day. 2. i honestly think that i need him more than he needs me. 3. i keep thinking that he isn't really in love with me.  4. i know that if we ever break up it will be because of me. 5. i'm not good at opening up to people. 6. i'm afraid that soon he'll realize how messed up i am and he'll leave. 7. i have learned that everything has an expiration date. 8. i don't want this end. 9. i promise i will try my best.

i love him, but... // k.k

[karppuchino]

six shots later and my hands are still shaking and my heart still aches.  everything is moving too fast and i can't catch my breath. i want you here to hold me but i don’t think you would like to see me this way. i just don’t know how did i end up in my friends living  room having a panic attack while everyone is drinking and  having fun. i keep staring at my hands trying to remember how it felt to hold yours.

k.k / regret & bad decisions (via karenlucretia)