My feelings about chapter 66 of Saezuru.
Today I want to speak simply, without psychological analysis or technical jargon. I want to speak from the love I have for the work, the author, and its characters. From my jumbled feelings and thoughts.
Warning: there are spoilers, many spoilers, and paraphrased dialogue, so it's not exact.
Doumeki confessed his feelings and left. As I said in the previous post, he consciously or subconsciously relinquished control to Yashiro. Without expecting anything in return. It was honesty personified, and a farewell kissed his way to goodbye. The decision was now in Yashiro's hands, and Doumeki wouldn't pursue him anymore.
Then we had chapter 65, which really affected me. Doumeki stood firm in his feelings. Kamiya had revealed absolutely everything Doumeki had hidden about himself. Tsunakawa was heartbroken and felt betrayed, and Muraji was outraged. Doumeki failed. He didn't apologize and even declared his loyalty to Yashiro, saying he was his reason for living. As a consequence of his profound honesty, an excessive punishment was imposed, without him even having shared a drink. He lost his place to live once again. Chapter 65 left me so distraught that I tried not to talk about it for two months.
I was impressed, as always, by the range of expressions and physical perspectives that Sensei gives us. A truly talented artist who, through her lines, conveys a wide range of emotions.
The chapter begins with Amou and Tsunakawa. One man disappointed, the other worried. A disturbing conversation.
We move to Yashiro's office where he is visibly agitated and grumpy, with dark circles under his eyes and looking tired. He asks if they've found Kai; nothing. Nanahara confronts him and receives a violent response. Yashiro is restless, shouting, desperate; it's the first time we see him without a plan, feeling helpless. He knows that Doumeki will receive the worst punishment and is hiding behind the Yakuza's directives; he can't help Doumeki. But Nanahara doesn't remain silent and tells him about that conversation on the hospital terrace. Amou interrupts Doumeki's words and Yashiro's attitude. We then shift to a scene in a café. Amou speaks of the past; after all, he knows that wayward 19-year-old Yashiro, he's seen him in all his facets. Things about Amou are revealed, and one phrase haunts me: Amou says that Misumi sees Yashiro as a son, but Yashiro doesn't see Misumi as a father, saying, "You don't sleep with your son" While Misumi saved Yashiro, and they know I've always agreed with his methods, Yashiro's heart aches, and he's carried that burden for 20 years. This gives me a change of perspective, and while I previously supported them staying in the Yakuza, now I don't. I'd like them both to get out; I'd love for Yashiro to be free from the Yakuza, just like Doumeki.
Returning to the chapter. Amou confronts Yashiro, asking, "Did you get rid of Doumeki four years ago for his own good or for yours?" Yashiro is shocked. Amou knows him better than anyone and can't answer; they both know the answer. Without even touching his coffee, he receives a call.
We shift to the street. Yashiro is walking in the rain, lost in thought, when he's intercepted by Kamiya. Kamiya doesn't mince words and confronts Yashiro with reality, paraphrasing him to say something like, "You must be worth a lot for a man like Doumeki to risk his life to protect you." And for Yashiro, who has very low self-esteem, receiving those words from someone who doesn't know his past is truly harsh. Yashiro simply listens, and Kamiya unleashes his frustration by throwing him a motel key and a challenge, leaving Doumeki's salvation in his hands. Then he walks away.
We see the rain, the key, and then the key disappears. The next panel is one of my favorites. Yashiro holds something in his left hand and looks up at the rain-soaked, gray sky.
Now we change scenes. Doumeki is alone, gun in hand. The doorbell rings. When he opens it, Yashiro, soaked from head to toe, kisses him with a tenderness and passion the reader can feel in their own skin. Doumeki stands there, not responding, simply receiving, his eyes wide open. Yashiro pushes him aside and enters the room. Their faces part, saliva joins their lips, Yashiro's tongue is visible, and then they kiss with exquisite passion. And the chapter ends.
To say I liked the chapter is an understatement; this chapter is legendary. After so many years, Yashiro no longer does things for others, doesn't sacrifice himself for the sake of others, isn't a tool, an empty shell, a bargaining chip. He has become a human being with his own decisions, and he listens to his own heart. I loved that, without premeditation, three people came together to shake Yashiro to his core. These three already knew of the mutual feelings between them, and all three cared for Doumeki so much that they couldn't bear to see him lost. They placed the trust and responsibility for his salvation in Yashiro's hands.
Yashiro made his decision, a selfish one, leaving everyone behind—well, not everyone. Ties of cups, groups, loyalties, Misumi—he put everything before Doumeki. And what greater happiness could there be for Doumeki, who has always been the abandoned one, than to see Yashiro there, with a clear answer? Because after such a confession, seeing the man of his dreams standing at the door, frantically pressing his lips to his, is a wonderful answer.
I don't think Yashiro will do the same thing he did four years ago. I think he feels responsible for his actions and believes he's to blame for Doumeki's current state. I think he'll take responsibility and join Doumeki to resolve this whole mess. I also believe that together they are a powerful, dangerous, and unstoppable force. And I have faith, above all, I have faith in Yoneda-sensei and that they will both emerge from this in the best possible way.
Despite being a chapter to celebrate, it's also truly sad. There are wounds in the heart that don't heal easily, and I see a deeply hurt Yashiro. He's aware of all the harm he caused Doumeki, and I think his despair stems from that. He hurt the person he loved most and the person who loved him most. Yashiro doesn't feel worthy of affection, but in the end, he has such a valuable man giving his all for him. That's not easy for someone like Yashiro to accept. I can feel his pain, his regret, and his despair, and it breaks my heart.
Yoneda-sensei is incredible. She surpasses our highest expectations. I'll be eagerly awaiting the next chapter.
If you've made it this far, thank you for reading my jumbled thoughts. I didn't come here with technical jargon today; I just wanted to chat with you all. Hugs, and see you in four months!
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