"this maneuver is going to cost us emotional stability" ao3 tags starter pack
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trying on a metaphor

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@kasztanisagod
"this maneuver is going to cost us emotional stability" ao3 tags starter pack
+ tags from fandoms that have a special talent for making me cry
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man
Your sword is long, your lance is keen, your shining helm afar is seen
But into darkness fell your star, Jolene
Long ago you went away, and where thou dwellest none can say,
In Mordor where the shadows are, Jolene.
The last whose realm was fair and free between the mountains and the sea
Gil-galad was an Elven king, Jolene
(。・ω・。) hai!!!! twitter userz are you coming back uwu? *glomps you* nya (*/ω\*) hooray!!! you can read my super smexy destiel yaoi fic!!!!! >.< Rawr!! haha sorry, I'm random ヾ(•ω•`)o I'm an SJW btw and suuuuuuper proud of it, and I'll cancel u if you don't like my smexy yaois douj--*cutting to look offscreen* god that's not actually a threat is it? peak SJW discourse doesnt actually come close to Twitter toxicity this won't even faze them. Should I--can we change the script? No? just keep--okay keep filming? okay I--nyaaaa!!! >.< Hetalia is Da Best if you don't think Italy is the kawaiiest then--*cutting offscreen again* I can't. It won't work. This won't keep them out.
imagine hiring an assassin and they talk to you in a customer service voice
“Hello, how can I help you today? Wonderful, can I get a first and last name? And how would I spell that? Awesome. And would you happen to have an address for this individual? And place of work? Fantastic.
Now, I’m going to give you a number, and I’m going to ask that you send in a photo of your target alongside any additional information you may have- family members, security, combat training, medical conditions, just anything you can think of that might be helpful.
Wonderful, you are all good. All we need now is a piece of government-issued ID, for insurance purposes, and a location for payment pickup. We accept cash, gold, processed uranium, and etransfer.
I’m sorry, we don’t take american express.
Good, okay, so it looks like we are all set- when the job is complete, you will be notified VIA discreet codeword that a stranger will whisper to you on a crowded street.
We do not issue receipts, but if you’d like, I can arrange for a specific breed of tropical flower to be sent to your home address. Our associates will be able to validate it should the need arises.
And is that everything you were looking for today? Great! Thank you for coming to us. Have a nice day!”
Alternatively,
“I’m sorry sir, but I’m afraid the Pope is a high-status target that is beyond our area of service.
Yes, I- no, I’m sorry, I’m not able to do that for you.
Okay. Okay. Yes, I understand.
Sir, if you’re going to use that sort of language, you should know that our HR department does operate in a hands-on capacity.
Wonderful. You take care.”
They create a perfectly normal call cemter staffed by decidedly amoral college students and paying them at least 4x minimum wage.
hiring manager: you’re not concerned about the ah, services we offer?
a college student who has eaten ramen twice a day for the past year: for $25/hour i’ll pull the trigger myself
Look, the difference between Assassins and Customer Service is that Assassins are paid a lot of money to kill people and Customer Service isn’t being paid nearly enough not to.
Women in France are fighting to wear the hijab while women in Iran are fighting to not wear the hijab
This is not a fight about Islam this is not a fight about religion this is a fight about women not having the right to do whatever they want with their bodies and being killed and persecuted for it
I truly hate the word “unalive.” There are so many other euphemisms that fictional Italian mobsters worked so hard to provide you with and you just ignore them.
Especially when we were given so many of them!
- passed on
- no more
- ceased to be
- expired
- gone to meet his maker
- stiff
- bereft of life
- rests in peace
- pushing up daisies
- his metabolic processes are now history
- off the twig
- kicked the bucket
- shuffled off ‘is mortal coil
- run down the curtain
- joined the bleedin’ choir invisible
- this is an EX-PARROT
Listen, I know Dream winning his duel with Lucifer with hope is like... A BIG DEAL and super symbolic and beautiful, HOWEVER I have something that may not be better, but would definitely be FUNNIER.
Dream loses. He's been locked in a bubble and had his hopes dashed again and again, even though he's still fighting and still hopeful, it's harder for him to reach that and it doesn't come to mind in time for him to win against Lucifer. He's to stay as a servant in Hell and there's no Endless or divine being that can or will come to his aid. He's trapped. Again.
Only Matthew isn't Jessamy, Matthew knows when the best way to help is a tactical retreat to gather reinforcements. So that's what he does, going immediately to Luciene like, "Hey, so, uh..." And there has to be some way they can help him! Luciene makes it clear that none of the dreaming denizens can. None of the Endless can, no deity would be of any help there against Lucifer. There are Old Laws dictating that Dream lost fair and square and no one can interfere with that. And Matthew's like, "Well what about someone who can challenge Lucifer to win him back? Someone not bound by the Old Laws?"
"The only beings not bound by the Old Laws are humans. There's no human--"
Except there is. There's one. One human that Dream would go off once a century to meet, and it's a long shot, but--
That's how Hob Gadling finds himself being approached by a talking raven asking him to trek into hell to rescue his boss. "You know, Dream of the Endless? Lord Morpheus?"
Hob doesn't know who the hell the bird is talking about until Matthew describes him. "Oh, my Stranger!"
"...He seriously didn't even tell you his name?"
Now, the idea of setting foot into Hell itself to do battle with Lucifer Morningstar is, y'know... Not something he wants to do. He confirms over and over if Matthew is SURE he doesn't have to die to achieve this, because he's not ready to leave yet, and Matthew is like, "Yeah, buddy, shouldn't be a problem." He's lying. He has no idea if it's a problem. (It's not.)
Hob is like, "Yeah, but... I can't FIGHT Satan himself and expect to win, I AM still human."
And Matthew's like, "You don't actually have to fight her, it's like a game! But uh... Pretty sure you still feel all the pain and stuff." And he explains the rules, and like, okay, feeling the painful death of whatever kills whatever you decide to be in your round SUCKS, but Hob's been through that before. It's actually a pretty intriguing game, one he thinks he might win.
See, the way he sees it, it's a combination of the "times infinity" type of game (I love you, I love you more, I love you times two, I love you times a thousand, I love you times a million-- so on and so on) with that counting game where you either say one or two numbers, back and forth with someone, and whoever says 21 loses. Basically, there's one logical conclusion the game is going to reach. Someone is going to bust out the "times infinity" or in this case, "heat death of the universe" or some other completely life-ending thing. And like with the counting game, if you can get your opponent to say specific numbers on the way to 21, you can make sure they're forced to say it.
There's a strategy if you think ahead enough, and he has an entire walk through Hell to plan it.
(It SUCKS. He sees Robyn there. It breaks his heart. It's meant to, it's meant to keep him from reaching the palace, seeing his son in Hell, but they don't know Hob. They don't know the grief he's had to overcome in order for him to say, with absolute certainty, that he still wants to live even though it hurts. He reaches that citadel.)
Dream is, of course, horrified to see Hob there. Hob meanwhile is like a jilted exe all, "Yeah, yeah, we're not friends, you stood me up, but I'm still here for you because I'm the bigger person and I fucking care."
He challenges Lucifer for Dream's helm and their safe passage out of Hell. Lucifer is... Intrigued. She just beat Dream of the Endless, and this human thinks he can beat her when humanity's collective unconsciousness couldn't? His immortality has made him cocky, clearly. So she accepts, and bargains that if Hob loses, he has to give up his immortality.
There's a good minute where Hob pauses at that and has to really think about whether his arrogant, condescending not-friend is really worth that but yeah, yeah he is. Meanwhile Dream is off to the side. "Don't do this, Hob Gadling. It is not your responsibility to fix my missteps." Basically his version of pleading for Hob to leave and not risk this up until Lucifer is like enough out of you and shuts him up.
They play. Lucifer starts out with the wolf again, because it's a good starting point to see what direction her opponent plans to take, to get a glimpse into Hob's mindset entering this game. Her plan is, of course, to cause pain enough that Hob will have a hard time thinking, but Hob makes that really fucking hard from the get-go and throws everyone in the room for a loop when his answer is...
"I am the over hunting of the local deer population. Ecosystem destabilizing, predator killing."
Well. Okay. Yeah, sure. Fucking fine. It's hard to kill that painfully. Lucifer manages to come up with, "I am hunting restrictions, nature preserving, ecosystem balancing."
Hob, by that point, is like, I got this, actually. This might be fun. "I am the expansion of civilization. Forest destroying, hunting law nullifying."
Matthew, who had been feeling pretty iffy about calling this guy in to help, is no longer questioning that choice. Dream is a little starry-eyed.
Eventually Hob is the head of the Home Owner's Association. Lucifer is a bear, scrap hunting, person killing. Hob is family, revenge-seeking, bear euthanizing. Lucifer is Pride, argument starter, family destroying. Hob is friendship, blood covenant, thicker than womb water. Lucifer is jealousy, friendship rending, relationship ruining. Hob is personal growth, jealousy ending, apology giving. Lucifer is relapse, progress destroying, confidence killing. Hob is perseverance, step taking, progress rebuilding. On and on until finally Lucifer decides to end this the way she did with Dream and Hob leads her along until it reaches that natural conclusion, the death of all.
Now there's some temptation there to go with the obvious, since he can't die even if the universe was destroyed. At least he doesn't think so. But he had already decided that it was an obvious choice to go for and he could think of a few clever ways Lucifer might get around that. So instead, Hob goes the far better choice and personal insult of being God, universe creator, life giver. He's very proud of himself when the demons erupt into boos and Lucifer looks about ready to rip his fucking throat out with her teeth.
The way he sees it, there are two choices for her there, unless she really pulls something unexpected out of her ass. Option one is the whole "what's a god to an atheist" thing in which Hob would have then been a miracle, faith affirming, god-proving. Not much can destroy a miracle.
But Lucifer, livid and prideful, goes with option two. "I am Lucifer Morningstar, God defying, His Kingdom ripped sunder!"
And Hob has the absolute glee to grin and go, "I am Hob Gadling, clever, death defying, and triumphant over Lucifer Morningstar."
He and Dream are promptly kicked out of Hell on their asses, Dream's helm is thrown at his head with a force strong enough to break the sound barrier, and the gates are slammed shut behind them. The whole thing is so humiliating that Lucifer has to change their gender and moves to LA to open a nightclub.
@cryptotheism I submit a new spell for consideration by the wizard council
BANNED
NO ONE knows how to use thou/thee/thy/thine and i need to see that change if ur going to keep making “talking like a medieval peasant” jokes. /lh
They play the same roles as I/me/my/mine. In modern english, we use “you” for both the subject and the direct object/object of preposition/etc, so it’s difficult to compare “thou” to “you”.
So the trick is this: if you are trying to turn something Olde, first turn every “you” into first-person and then replace it like so:
“I” → “thou”
“Me” → “thee”
“My” → “thy”
“Mine” → “thine”
Let’s suppose we had the sentences “You have a cow. He gave it to you. It is your cow. The cow is yours”.
We could first imagine it in the first person-
“I have a cow. He gave it to me. It is my cow. The cow is mine”.
And then replace it-
“Thou hast a cow. He gave it to thee. It is thy cow. The cow is thine.”
This is a ‘glench’ and
This is a ‘glench’ and it is so small that you can’t see it
[ID: A bat, perfectly visible, sitting in the palm of someone’s hand. End ID]
Don’t lie.
Y’all hate feminine Nb people so much, it’s so obvious
Nb person: *wears skirts, has long hair, has large chest, does traditional feminine things*
Y’all: what if... we ignored you... and used incorrect pronouns for you...
It’s the same for masculine nb people too... y’all just hate nb people who aren’t androgynous
Anyways if ur nb and you don’t dress androgynous, I love you. This goes for he/him nbs who dress feminine and she/her nb who dress masculine as well. Also to gender fluid nb people who only dress one way.
If you are a transmeds and you reblog this, I’m grinding your bones to dust, this isn’t for you.
whoever the fuck i saw saying “i can’t stand english bitching because they’re so complacent” and whoever else thinks we’re not doing enough i’d like to invite you to DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH.
a law was recently passed that deemed any kind of protesting as disruptive and able to be punished by the police, alongside giving the police more power.
we all watched the police storm the PEACEFUL VIGIL for sarah everard - a woman raped and murdered by a police officer.
PEOPLE ARE CURRENTLY BEING ARRESTED FOR OUTWARDLY EXPRESSING ANY SORT OF DISPLEASURE WITH THE MONARCHY.
A WOMAN WAS ARRESTED FOR HOLDING UP A SIGN. JUST HOLDING IT.
PEOPLE WERE ARRESTED FOR BOOING.
everything in britain has been put to a standstill. hospital appointments have been cancelled. funerals have been cancelled. we can’t do anything about it.
many of us will be unable to pay our energy bills this winter. we will freeze. we will starve.
it has been demonstrated to us time and time and time again that protests simply make people talk about how we were protesting and never why. and now the police has increased power to punish us for any public opinion that they don’t like.
we have been under tory rule for 12 years. 12 years of the same people - hey americans, can you imagine that?
we are tired, no, we are exhausted. we are struggling. we are scared. and it has been made clear to us that our government does not care.
so fucking forgive us if we’re putting our own survival over the opinions of americans (and other non-brits but americans are the worst) online who expect us to learn everything about their politics and their country and don’t put in an ounce of effort to learn about ours.
a fic writer asking for comments never leads to anything good, but that still doesn't prevent me from letting y'all know I refresh the Ao3 inbox about 200x a day hoping there will be something new for the fics I've just posted so my brain will give me The Good Chemicals
andddd here's another gilethen fic
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
this one's for @witchersgoldenbard, big thanks for the emotional support you provided
i swear to gorlog you are a treasure
amid the celebrations about the queen probably dying soon, we need to remember how this will negatively affect the country. there will be millions spent on a funeral and charles’s coronation while we are in the middle of a severe economic crisis and working class families are having to choose between heating and food. it will take attention away from all the important politics and parliament may be suspended. all news and television will be about her death and her reign — it’s been said that comedy programmes will be cancelled for potentially up to a fortnight out of ‘respect’.
yes, celebrate this news. but her death does not erase the fact that the monarchy exists, and it will be a spit in the face for working people when the money we all so desperately need is spent on her and the rest of her family
But how would Jaskier react if he's the one that gets... jaskiered?
Like- It's early in the morning, he's spent a great night with a lovely lass in the sheets, both of them still asleep when Geralt comes back from a hunt, walking in on them and suspecting the worst. They are woken by an angry witcher noise, Geralt standing at tje foot of the bed with his hands on his hips, looking at Jaskier displeased. He says something along the lines of "Seriously, Jaskier? I thought we've talked about this," pointing at the lass who's scrambling out of bed and into her skirt. She holds the rest of her clothes to her chest, takes one last panicked look at Geralt and says "I had no idea, he's married!" before climbing out the window and running away, like Jaskier had to do so many times before.
Geralt and Jaskier stare at each other. Did that just happen?
andddd here's another gilethen fic
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works
this one's for @witchersgoldenbard, big thanks for the emotional support you provided
in a turn of events entirely unforeseen, MY HEART IS FUCKING SHATTERED
...sorry?