beautyinchaos

I have travelled down many roads and worn many hats. Much of my adult life has been plagued with borderline personality disorder and has defined me up until this point. If anything these 35 years of life have taught me, it is that we all have the power to overcome any obstacle that obstructs our path. I am ready to catapult myself into the vast unknown with the hope of finding beauty in the chaos.

[teamripka]

In memory of my brother, who passed away on this date, please repost this. You will never know when you’ve helped someone just in time.

[lioninsunheart]

[the-enchanted-witch]

What an interesting world, indeed.

[c-vendett-deactivated20231023]

Every word you write, no matter how thin the plot is or how flat the characters are, is important. It might not win you awards, or fame. It might not be very good. And you might be the only one who reads it. But it is amazing simply because it is a reflection of YOU! You were brave enough to pour a tiny bit of yourself onto paper for the world to see! And that kind of magic is beautiful.

[haleyincarnate]

Quote by Paulo Coelho

[birchbloom]

🌻🌸☀️✨🌈✨☀️🌸🌻

“a period of prosperous personal growth is headed my way”

like = charge

reblog = cast

[kathrynbutterfly4]

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've retreated further into myself. Much has happened. A few explosive conflicts with family have caused me to finally remove toxic people from my life. Unfortunately, that's the majority of people around me. I've been taken advantage of for most of my life. I am an empath so I feel deeply and give those around me all of my energy and don't expect anything in return. Well, actually, that's not true. I try not to expect anything in return but you can only go so long before you realize that those you give your all to should be there for you in return. Also, as an empath, I absorb peoples' energy until it becomes so overwhelming that I'm done. Just done. When I'm at a get together or shopping in a crowded store, I reach full capacity real quick. All of a sudden I run for the exit all the while hyperventilating and yearning for the sweet relief of the open air.

I've recognized that the road to recovery must be proactive. I must follow my intuition. My intuition has been telling me to not do anything I don't want to do, especially if I feel in my gut that something horrible will happen. As a mother of three girls ages 9, 11 and 15, that seems impossible. But I must make the choice when it is possible. Enough is enough. It's time to listen.

[buffysummers]

Break the rules. I’ve always hated the idea that you should be wearing this or that, because it makes me feel like I’m getting everything wrong. I hated it at school, and I don’t want it as an adult. If you want to wear a fucking flowerpot on your head and that makes you happy, then wear a fucking flowerpot on your head.

[ximborderlinex]

[kathrynbutterfly4]

When you’re going about your business trying to heal from past trauma and you’re finally on the right path but then all of a sudden people happen and you're like…

[kathrynbutterfly4]

Today I went over to one of my husband's family member's house. 2 Christmas' ago I had an extremely horrible BPD episode at their house and I hadn't been over since. And guess what. I didn't die! I am so proud of myself for working through that. Recovery, here I come!

[kathrynbutterfly4]

I am so exhausted from pretending like I don't have a mental illness. My whole life I have been upstaged by someone else. I never had it bad enough. Someone else always had it worse. I could never get recognition for the struggles I'm going through so I just pretend like I'm ok. That leads to me not working on recovery which leads to worse symptoms. I want to get better but it's so damn hard. Please tell me I'm not the only one!

[knightleyfans]

“The way that we have raised young women to be terrified of making mistakes and to always be perfect—that’s absolutely impossible. I think there’s a lot of anxiety around the pursuit of perfection and we shouldn’t be trying to pursue perfection, we should be liberated by the mistakes we make.”

— Keira Knightley (via midtempohands)

[kathrynbutterfly4]

I know I can do so much more, be so much more, but my mind is always there to prove me wrong. When is enough, enough? I am so ready to allow my life to begin.

[untrusteveryone]

SHOUT OUT TO EVERYONE WHO STILL TRIES TO GET BACK INTO THE SWING OF THINGS AFTER DEPRESSION HIT THEM HARD. THERE ISN’T ENOUGH RECOGNITION FOR THOSE PEOPLE WHO KNOW THAT THEY’RE GOING TO LOSE INTEREST AND MOTIVATION AGAIN BUT PUSH THEMSELVES TO DO STUFF ANYWAYS. YOU ARE FIGHTING A DAILY BATTLE WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND YOU’RE STILL COMING OUT ON TOP, YOU’RE ALL BRAVE AS FUCK

[trauma-tape]

i hate it when people bring up stuff that you were obsessed with in the past when you don’t even like the things anymore and wish no one would remember them and they keep refering to them and act like you still would enjoy them… like… let me change my personality every six months in peace

[kathrynbutterfly4]

Happens all too often!

[kathrynbutterfly4]

Just Live Your Life

Yes I did listen to T.I. and Rihanna this morning! But seriously, just live your life. Don’t let anyone tell you how to be, where to go, who to love, etc. I’m teaching my girls this. Of course when you’re young there is a fine line between not allowing someone to control you and being disobedient. It’s difficult because as a parent you want to teach them consequences of their actions and to be safe. But I always listen, give them choices, and speak with them about the consequences of their choices. I never want them to feel they can’t come talk to me. After all, my job is to teach them to be independent and eventually not need us anymore. For my oldest I only have 4 1/2 years to do my job. 

Anywho, I’ve spent much of my life worrying about what other people thought of me. I can tell you that is not the way to live. Be you. There is no one else in this whole entire world like you. This world needs you.

[kathrynbutterfly4]

I’m learning

I’m learning to let my bullshit go. Withdrawal symptoms have begun but I’m learning to just roll with that too. Letting go of all the toxic feelings and physical weight is so vital to my recovery. I will beat this. A few weeks ago I had rescinded myself to the fact that I will always be unhealthy and I was ok with that. I was ready to die at any moment. I welcomed death. My mental condition seemed so unbeatable. It was stronger than me. But now I’m stronger than it. I’m physically active, my mind is sharper, I’m losing weight, my mood is changing everyday. I am a strong woman. What I’ve been through in my life can attest to that. Borderline is treatable and I do not, in fact I absolutely refuse to believe, that it is only treatable through therapy and meds. I’m not saying it’s not going to be a struggle. I welcome struggle. It’s the only way I’m going to reach the other side. I’m just saying bring, it, on!