You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because sheâs already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, yâknow, donât disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are SchrĂśdingerâs Rapist. Donât assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what sheâs signaling, and back off.
If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, sheâs saying, âI donât want to be rude, but please leave me alone.â You donât know why. It could be âPlease leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.â It could be âPlease leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.â It could be âPlease leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.â
On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.
Thereâs a man with whom I went out on a single dateâafternoon coffee, for one hour by the clockâon July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, âLook, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.â It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I donât know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope heâs not. But he is certainly SchrĂśdingerâs Rapist, and this particular SchrĂśdingerâs Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a womanâs NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, youâre sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when sheâs tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.
Can every one of my male followers read this? And please, before you get defensive (âI would never rape anyone!â) keep in mind, women being afraid of Shrodingerâs Rapists (oh my god i still canât get over the encompassing brilliance of this phrase) is a conditioned, learned response from being immersed in rape culture and the evolution of sexism and sexual violence in our society from the day weâre born. And unfortunately, itâs very difficult to unlearn without the efforts of all genders to dismantle it. Which is where you come in.
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