Young-woo never has Quiet Hands (h/t to Julia Bascom)
I've been toying around with this post for a while, possibly since that early episode where Jun-ho started to reach out for Young-woo's hands, then didn't. It was in my mind during all those shots of Young-woo twisting her hands together until her knuckles were stark white. I was definitely thinking about it during the episode where the young girl self-harmed by scratching her hand. And I thought about it today when Jun-ho pinned Young-woo's wrists as part of getting her into a hug to help provide the sensory relief she needed.
We're going to proceed with the understanding that while this does not and would not work for everyone, that it did and does work for Young-woo, and I'm going to assume that Jun-ho, for whatever reason, had a reasonable belief that it would, that it wasn't just something he was doing to randomly restrain her.
For us to proceed, I really need you to go read this very brief post from Julia Bascom. I really don't think the rest of what I have to say will make sense without it. (And HUGE thanks to the internet sleuths who were able to help me find an essay with "It was like ten years old? And written by an autistic woman and started with a gif from Glee? Maybe her name started with J?" because the internet is a gift.)
Julia Bascom's piece on Quiet Hands.
This was the first piece of writing I ever read that was written by an (openly) autistic person. I sobbed reading it 8 or 9 years ago, and still can't make it through without crying. I walked into the next preschool meeting with a print out and slapped it down on the table and said "My child will never hear the words "quiet hands." I didn't know this at the time, but the way they looked at me with horror and said "We would absolutely never -" was a gift from god.
(I don't know if I actually need to say this, but do not ever defend ABA on my posts, I will block your ass so fast)
Every time I saw Young-woo's hands, every time they flap and move at her sides, every time she twists them around each other, every time she splays them out to the point I can imagine the tendons creaking, every time they come up near her face because she's excited or thinking or just feeling -
I flinch.
I wait for someone to stop her. To tell her that she's doing something wrong, to scold her, to make her be still, to stop being so strange (yes I chose that word on purpose).
No one ever told me "quiet hands!" but I knew I wasn't supposed to enjoy the feel of things the way I do, that I wasn't supposed to find my fingers fascinating. That I shouldn't wear endless bangles just to enjoy them jingling against each other. That, it occurs to me now, I've avoided replacing the leather band of my old pandora bracelet because when I was in the library and my hand was moving because the weight and the sound of it filled me with glee people began to glare.
I was 38 years old and I stopped flapping because people could see me.
No one tells Young-woo quiet hands.
@kdramedies pointed out that when Jun-ho has to grab Young-woo, when he's concerned because she's hitting herself in the head and could seriously injure herself, he moves his hands off her skin as quickly as possible, brings her arms in so that he's compressing all of her.
But he never touches her hands. He never stills her hands. He never, ever, makes her hands quiet.
He doesn't ever cut off her voice, and so she can tell him.
Tighter. Tighter.
I'm going to go replace that bracelet now, I think.
Tighter.
I had a voice memo on my phone of me just reading this aloud. I wanted to make sure I could save it without it getting lost through time.
Incidentally, I was drawing a comic, and a character stims in it. I immediately think the words "quiet hands" and this post came to the fore front of my mind.
"I need to read that again."
I knew it was on tumblr, that's all I remember, and that it was talking about young woo (man i miss watching this show, how is 2022 so far away yet so close) I searched thru my tumblr with the search function, no dice!
"Fuck" Searched for it on google, no dice. google rlly is worthless now gosh haha. Then i remembered the voice memo, past me even had the sense to name it (something i never do with voice memos), and luckily voice memos are dated. The day i read this i reblogged it most likely.
I listened to it again.. and ahh. I miss the me from 2022. i just miss.. those times even when things were uncertain. at least i was more sure of myself, anyway enough wallowing!
I got on my computer, and went to the posts editor to go back to august 2022. it took some searching, and just when i gave up and started looking at just random posts reminiscing about interests i had, I see the words Young woo never has quiet hands.
Thank you op. Thank you thank you thank you. That's why I came back here, I rlly wanted to say thank you.
I still.. have a lot of internalized shame about my stimming. I always try and stop myself, or maybe stim only for a few seconds, shaking my hands. But before I found this post, I once had a break down, and my mom was there. I was flapping my hands, and it was so.. she looked at me like i was insane, like i was sick in the head. she got freaked out and said "whats wrong with you?" I stopped immediately, and whenever i stim i think of that moment.
but i also think of this post. thank you.
Jesus I've mostly just been off Tumblr for months now, but came back to find something and find THIS? This is a gift to me on a terrible day, and I cannot thank you enough for it.
I hope your comic is amazing. I'd love it if you sent me a link.
I hope you're well.
