Bad Blood @kblynn-blog1 - Tumblr Blog

jayxlynn‌:

I was scared. I was scared and I wasn’t thinking. Running away was just so much easier. I didn’t want to think about how anyone else might take it. I didn’t know how to tell you. I barely knew it myself. Kiera, I have missed you with every fiber of my being and I wanted to but… there was never a good time to try. And I’m selfish, I fucking get it, but I have missed you. [delete]and I would love to put a face to the woman in all the stories I’ve told Riley.[/delete]

Even if I knew you then, I can’t say I know you now but that means there’s nowhere to go but up, right?

I will do whatever you want me to, just don’t do this. Don’t walk away. One chance, that’s all I want. Once chance to even try and make up for the last decade and everything I missed.

I don’t know what to tell you, Jay. You lost my trust, broke my heart, made me feel like I don’t deserve to be in your new life or get to know you again, like all of a sudden, Im this person from your old life and I dont belong in your new life.

I need to know if I belong in your new life, Jay because if not, then Im walking and I’m never coming back to a place where I’m not wanted. If I was wanted that, then I would’ve stayed home. First, you didn’t want to tell me, but now, you don’t want me to walk out of your life only because I threaten to cut myself out of your life. How about, you figure that out on your own and let me know what you find out.

#c:jay #//st are private thoughts

jayxlynn‌:

I never said that. I never said I didn’t miss you. I missed you, I missed everyone. I just… I couldn’t stand the idea of getting rejected, okay? I couldn’t do that. Please, don’t do this.

Why would I reject you? Huh? You’re my sibling, Jay. I love you, unconditionally, the one person I thought I could trust and the one person I thought would let me be in their life, no matter what. I confided in you when I found out when I was diagnosed with a learning disability. Though, thank you for proving that our entire relationship, has been a lie and that you don’t know me at all. Maybe its for the best, who really knows.

#c:jay

jayxlynn‌:

We were! Of course it wasn’t, Kiera! But I was fucking wreck when I left Canton at 18. I was running. I didn’t know how to runaway and keep people close, because you can’t. I’m fucking sorry that I cut you out, but it wasn’t just you, it was everyone.

I’m not looking to get out of my shit. I know I shouldn’t have, but I did what I did. I can’t take it back. Nor would I. Because back then I did what I had to, to survive myself. I just don’t want to fight, Kiera. Because fighting isn’t going to get us anywhere productive and I’d really rather not cut you out again, but if a fight is what you think you’re going to get here, I will.

......Whatever, Jay. Don’t worry, I’ll cut myself back out of your life since you weren’t missing me anyway. Have a nice life, again.

#c:jay

jayxlynn‌:

I didn’t contact anyone! That was the point! Disappear, new name, new life, less rejection. And when mom found me, while in Lima visiting her brother and things didn’t exactly go well… I don’t know, seemed like a bad idea reaching out further. I’m an idiot, what’s new?

You want the crash course of my life over the last decade or?

Okay, but I thought we were close?? Was our entire childhood and relationship a lie? Because if so, I need to know, now. You’re a dumbass, no longer an idiot, Jay. The point is, to tell your sister what the fuck is going on, forget mom. This is between you and I.

What do you think, Jay? No, I don’t want the fucking crash course and have you make it your way to make things better when, spoiler alert, they’re not. You also know that I will cave once you tell me and I will not cave this time. You have to own up to your shit, you’re not getting a pass this time around. Not with me.

#c:jay #alcohol tw

jayxlynn‌:

After being a single parent for six years, it’s fucking amazeballs. Getting things done is nice, though I’d rather sleep, as work tends to run til late, if I go in after noon, so… it’s give and take.

Oh? Im an aunt? That’s great to know, so thank you for letting me know that Im an aunt. What to know what’s fucking amazeballs? My sibling, dropping off of the face of the earth and then reappearing after a DECADE. I’d rather have a relationship with my sibling, but y’know how that ends. Why didn’t you contact me, Jay? Your fucking little bit, or am I replaced by someone else in that category. Which, I wouldn’t be surprised by that.

#c:jay

jayxlynn‌:

I hate being an insomniac, even when it means I get shit done. Like, yes, I did all this stuff I’ve been meaning to do around the house, but fuck I am exhausted and am going to regret needing to be a person later. Guess that’s where having a partner who enjoys being a stay-at-home-parent comes in handy. Means I can try and sleep until just before I have to leave for work in the afternoon.