every now and again i think about how byakuya's hair looks uneven and the He Cut It Himself jokes and honestly its grown on me as like, a legitimate take. oftentimes people in stifling lives they feel like they have little control over, especially in terms of maintaining an appearence, will start to control whatever part of their body they can. and oftentimes the first thing that comes to peoples minds is hair-- think the haircut after a breakup, giving yourself bangs during a breakdown. you feel helpless, so you reach for something you CAN control
and idk. byakuya's hair as the one thing that isn't to the perfectly manicured Togami Standard. byakuya's hair as the one thing that, among personal chefs and butlers and all, he does himself, amateurly, in his bathroom. that one act uniting a boy worth billions with The Common Folk he tries so hard to act like he's above. The Common Folk he shouldn't be like, lest he embarasses hia family. himself. forfiet what he bled for, for something as stupid as a bad haircut
but he still does it. he cuts his own hair and it's a bit lopsided every time, and he knows he could easily pay for something better, but he won't, and that's the whole point of it all, isn't it? it's the one part of his appearence that's his.
This is a long list of headcanons (sfw/nsfw), a tangent about background history that may stray from canon, and personal thoughts I have + additional music thoughts.
If there's anything anyone else has to add I'd love to hear it ! (´ ꒳ `)
This is a mix of both Young, BTD and YKMET Strade !
Personal Spotify Playlist: Strade
| Updated Semi-Frequently |
HEADCANONS | Mixed NS/SFW |:
Younger Strade -
beginning engineer, a better mechanic than anything
friendly, but certainly less than modern Strade/more perverted
had a thing for one night stands, no place or time for 'take homes'
on days that weren't packed with college exams, spent time in Berlin fetish nightclubs
^ not to dance, to ensnare the most drunk and vile and get them into his car.
^ to also dance but badly
heavily into latex/leather
sextapes gone 'wrong'
^ they were of poor production. gritty, bad lighting. sloppy and quick
found a group of people into that 'niche', frequenting more harder bdsm clubs to buy his polaroids or vhs tapes
posted snippets of the stills to Rotten .com and Ogrish before going offline early 2007 or so
starting to get into extreme bdsm/edgeplay
breaking/entering, robbery gone wrong roleplay
is it a cnc thing, or is it starting to be more than that?
it was more, way more than he thought
public sex fiend, way more so than his older self (riskier)
sex life was exciting but fleeting due to work and college
Modern Strade -
adding to the already established canon of 'good with machines', is also good with technology
^ not enough to build a pc, but rather fix one
^ or hotwire a car.. battery (>ᴗ•)
shock collar wasn't the only invention, has built his own table saw, created 'bracelets' for comfort, and started working on microchips
owns a lot of dad shirts, ranging from raunchy text to hawaiian prints
also owns a lot of appliances. think sausage makers, blender/mini blender, ice cream maker, heart shaped waffle maker (thank you Ren)
makes his own wine, sometimes.. given the idea by Ren who wanted to try out weird combos (soda.. energy drinks..)
beer snob, possibly drinks leinenkugel's (even the fruity ones)
weird food habits: cold hot dog out of the packet, bites into string cheese, possibly drinks condiment packages/maple syrup/single serving creamers
adding to that ^ wipes up spills with his sleeves, licks his fingers
does a thing where he bites his tongue between his teeth like a cat when concentrating on something
scars and bad callouses on hands and fingers. has stepped on a nail more than once, nearly cut his finger off with a saw before
not only good with machines, good with woodworking
^ not just furniture for neighbours, or a fence, but whittling little animals for Ren or others as gifts as well
Sado-Semi-Masochist
huge thing for bites and scratches and hair pulling towards himself
built a sex machine, possibly tuned a vibrator with electricity, Saw series has given him bad, bad ideas for other types of machines
into petplay, completely down bad for it. leaning more towards utter dehumanization: cages, water dishes, feeding you food not meant for human consumption, will neuter, declaw, pull teeth and install permanent animal tails and ear headbands (don't ask him how..)
tools for sex toys 100% non-debatable
Ren taught him shibari, prefers to hogtie instead
still a public sex fetishist, but more laid back, think groping on a crowded train, or in a low lit booth.
kidnapping fetish (how nice! relive your trauma!)
I'm not the type to rewrite characters completely; I'm someone who fills in the blanks, speculates, goes off of what is established to further the story in my works. If things change, it is purely for plot purposes, and not meant to desecrate the existing canon.
Background:
In Canon we know that he was born in, and living in, Germany, attending school for an engineering degree. He had a normal childhood, and was all around really friendly. Machine pattens were sold, and for an unknown reason he had to flee to Canada under a different name with the help of a politician.
I believe that these machines could be Beg and Cry from TINR, the ones Strade was using to demolish and torture villages full of innocents with. In TPOF, and in various other posts in the lore for BtD, Rire was the one pulling the strings for Strade, eventually leading the monstrosity we see in one of the Desert endings.
Putting two and two together: I can assume that once he was arrested on suspicion of homicide, and caught with Beg and Cry in Germany, Rire somehow found out and took an interest in him. In exchange for the freedom to continue his bad habits, Strade gave up the torture machine patents, and immigrated off to Winnipeg, Manitoba.
Personal Thoughts:
Strade is someone who I alter the least in my writing. I think how he is in YKMET is the perfect way for him to be. Most things others have headcanoned for Strade can be applied to my writing, same goes for things others have said. I do tend to write him more clumsily, messy, more ditzy, sometimes less cruel. He has a capacity for seeing someone as a partner in crime, rather than a partner in love.
Strade has those who matter to him, who are off limits, think: bar friends, neighbours, the mailman, ect. People that he can just hang out with, no strings attached, no murder, although that isn't saying he doesn't still have those thoughts and feelings involving them.
My experiences in the American Midwest™ leads me to write him as a middle-aged dad figure. A goofball with possible undiagnosed autism, and a shit ton of skeletons in his closet. Then again, I suppose that isn't much different from how he is after all.
Musical Thoughts:
The two songs I think of immediately when it comes to Strade are: Stripped | Rammstein | and Stand the Pain | And One |
My playlist for him consists mostly of German industrial music, despite being the complete opposite of the things he would really listen to. The grittiness, the harshness, if I want to write for Strade, I put on BODYPOP by And One and fall into the fantasy of complicated, gross masochism.
An honorable mention is White Suburb Impressionism | IAMX | I think this song fits him and his ideals extremely well !
Miscellaneous:
My personal voice claim for Strade is Steve Naghavi (at this point, I'm probably more recognized for my And One thoughts than my BtD ones)
Manitoba, CA was picked for no particular reason. I just thought it was urban enough for loads of 'guest' encounters, and a pretty neat area overall ! (can you tell this is written by an american.... ('～`;) )
It's really funny to think of him sharing custody over Beg and Cry with Rire. It's even funnier to think of him paternal over the machines, asking for check ins, wanting pictures of them, asking to 'speak to them'. Ren doesn't like them very much.
Not added to the earlier headcanons but I do think Strade is understanding anime more and more because of Ren, and that'd lead him to liking Evangelion or Mobile Suit Gundam
Closing Thoughts:
I think Strade is a well-written character, and that the balance between his 'work' and 'life' create great opportunities for a lot of interactions between people of all sorts of backgrounds. To the mundane, to the cruelest of activities. These two parts of him bleed into each other more often than not, clashing together before mending in a twisted form of harmony.
Strade's writing in: Fervent Care of Dying Things by tenuous, First Time for Everything by 0viraptor, BOYFRIEND TO DIE 4 by lilkrissmuffet, and Cherry Slush by evilgnome are all great depictions of his character, and have all inspired me in my own writing, as I was really struggling with how to understand his character. Please show these works of art some love ! (´ ꒳ `)♡
This one was a little harder to write than Rire, as, instead of thinking outside the game itself, I had to psychoanalyze the man in front of me. Pin him down, pick him apart, put myself not only in the MC’s shoes, but Strade’s as well.
This is a little sporadic, okay.. A lot sporadic, but I have tried my hardest to stay on track and keep it in chronological order, or, in the order that the game itself progresses.
(Keep in mind that this is a very long post, and there are huge spoilers for YKMET: Strade !)
"It’s more of describing being in a safe place, and safe-keeping and being cherished and held…it’s not supposed to be creepy…it’s another way of describing being ‘kept’ in a special place. I love playing with those contrasts."
(Deftones' Chino Moreno on the track Entombed | Koi No Yokan )
The Braying Mule isn’t really anything out of the ordinary. It’s a relatively clean bar, safe and comforting. There’s people hanging out in groups, chatting the time away. It’s inviting, a warm (both literally, and in its autumn color scheme) place away from the rainstorm brewing outside.
Strade blends into this place very well, actually. A middle-aged, plainly-dressed man in a bar drinking beer? Typical, expected. He’s openly friendly, it’s not off-putting for someone like him to come up and want to chat. He’s very obviously a regular here, stating that this is his favorite bar, implying that he might know everyone (or mostly everyone) here, and is perhaps on more than just a first name basis with some.
This is where you come in. In Rire’s route, you stick out badly, bringing attention to you with your demeanor and your attire. The Braying Mule is a bar where anyone and everyone is welcome. You, with your job or your education, your basic hobbies and inoffensive thoughts, blend in as well.
However, there are two things to consider.
1: The MC (You) feels out of place compared to the mingling patrons (BTD)
And 2: Strade’s never seen you around here before. (Both Games)
This is deeper than just having an MC, and a gameplay mechanic needed to progress the story.
When you look at Strade’s dialogue added to YKMET, he states, quote: “I was just thinking to myself how I wanted someone to talk to.”
When combined with the later conversation after being kidnapped, when you threaten him that someone could’ve seen and called the police, he brings up the fact that the bar has four cameras, and that the second he locked eyes with you, they went down because of the rain.
This is interesting to note. Especially if you respond ‘Yeah’, to him asking if you just got off work, and were headed home. His face changes, pretty drastically, compared to any other option chosen. He goes from looking sympathetic, to looking fairly guilty, saying you have ‘terrible luck’, rather than just saying you’re ‘unlucky’.
The bar is a ‘great place for conversation’, (read: frequent bar goer) he says early on. And then later, ‘I guess your bad luck is my good luck.’ (read: the entire game)
The MC asks themself during a short downtime: “What am I doing here?”
There were plenty of other buildings to seek refuge in. Maybe further down there was a cafe, or maybe a restaurant, even a corner store. Maybe you didn’t live too far away, as you’re seen to be walking, rather than driving.
But this bar is ‘nostalgic’. It calls to you quietly, and lulls you into a false sense of security.
You wandered in to seek shelter, then were trapped, not only by the weather, but by Strade himself.
So, we know why you’re there, and we know why Strade’s there, when taking his words into consideration.
He was casing the joint, eager to meet someone new to sate his ‘itch’, couldn’t take anyone already there, either because he knows them, or because they’re already paired with someone. He was waiting for someone unrecognizable.
This is possibly another explanation as to why no one is ever reported missing, even though he takes people from the Braying Mule all the time.
Who’s going to remember the face of someone new? People are fickle, they bar hop all the time, if someone doesn’t come back, there could be a variety of reasons. Maybe they didn’t like the alcohol, maybe it just wasn’t their style.
This scene in YKMET is very different than in BTD. Where you choose to go there, then choose if you want, to go home with Strade, leave, or use the bathroom. All of which lead back to Strade being overly aggressive with you, with a very short conversation beforehand.
YKMET: Strade has him more fleshed out right off the bat, making him feel like a father figure, emphasized with him saying that he likes to fix things for neighbours.
In Boyfriend to Death, getting kidnapped makes you feel punished for daring to walk through the doors to begin with. As if the MC made the wrong choice of bar to drink at.
In YKMET, getting slammed against the brick wall, then thrown into Strade’s trunk makes you feel betrayed. The friend you made under poor circumstances, the upstanding, outgoing guy who loves machines has turned against you. You should’ve been more weary. But.. How could anyone have seen this coming?
As most would say. Though this is always the case when it comes to serial killers. They’re the ones you least expect.
His behaviour here should be noted as we go further into his game. The way he stands up even before you answer yes-or-no to having a drink, the way he pressures you to drink if you do say no, the way he refuses to let go of you if you push him away when walking together.
Both Strade’s share this behaviour. In Boyfriend to Death, he is more relentless about it, whereas in YKMET he plays around with you more, lets up a little easier.
Regardless of the game, Strade is self-righteous, almost viewing himself as immortal. Taking the cameras out of the equation, he seemed so sure no one would see you out on the street, even in BTD. He seemed so sure that you had absolutely no one to worry about you. When you’re at ‘home’, he knows Ren won’t come to save you. When you scream, both times on the first night in YKMET, Ren, and Ren with Strade, ignore you and go about their day. On the third night, the only one to get answered when calling for help is Strade himself, even the times when you’re right in front of Ren.
Strade’s done this dozens of times, says so himself if you ask him. No one has caught him, killed him, yet.
When getting into the meat of things, we need to focus less on the torture itself (but we’ll discuss that too), and how the MC and Strade both interact with/react to each other.
How both MC’s possible masochism and sadism is in tandem with Strade’s. How MC’s pain, fear, comfort, are all reflected off Strade like a mirror.
Before the game was ‘conceived’, Gatobob had done a playthrough on stream (now a VOD on her website under the gamepage for YKMET: Strade), saying early on that Strade had something called ‘dark empathy’.
That this feeling he gets from others is an addiction, reiterated through flavor text in MC’s inner dialogue within the game. Such as, the very first torture scene with only the knife.
The MC writes Strade’s behaviour during the game off as weird. I write it off as fascinating.
Here is where I want to talk about the original game for a bit, which came out nearly 10 years ago now. I want to point out not only the huge improvements in Gato’s writing between the two games, but Strade himself growing over the years as well.
In Boyfriend to Death, Strade comes across as utterly selfish, and even amateurish.
He is eager to get started the second he knows you wake up in the basement. He cuts you with no fanfare, no dialogue talking you through it, telling you how it’ll go. If you continuously refuse the stitches, he will not give them to you, instead leaving you to bleed without being cleaned up (or if you were cooperative/had low sanity, you get the bare minimum of a washcloth to the face). When not choosing the drill or the hammer, he outright mocks you, grinds his boot into your wounds, then says that some people weren’t meant to have control.
The hammer scene in BTD plays out differently. He’s not drawing it out, he’s slamming nails into your body, then a screw, and before you know it, there’s a car battery stuck onto the metal and you’re convulsing until unconscious. In the same scene, if you spit at him, suddenly your leg is being sawed off and eaten by him.
Similar overt sadism happens with the drill as well. Where he’s drilling into you, and then again, cutting your leg open. Except this time, it’s fed to you instead. Otherwise, you’re a one-hole pony, before he forces himself upon you.
During floating death endings (as Gato calls them), he’s either uncaring, or obviously pissed off at something you did.
Like, how if you cut yourself to death, he lets you and laughs (read: uncaring).
Or if you refuse to speak, he kills you, even though he went through the effort in taking you in, and it hasn’t even been a full day of you being there. (read: pissed off)
What I’ve learned from playing and replaying Boyfriend to Death, is that Strade only cares about two things. And that’s himself (his pleasure and safety), and Ren.
Though I have to put Ren a bit further down in this analysis since it comes up later during a few YKMET scenes.
If the MC is bleeding and dirty, he only gives it thought for a scene that’s easily avoidable if you are persistent in saying no. If the MC is hungry or thirsty, he offers twice, but doesn’t linger on it. If the MC is crying and in pain (9/10 times), he reacts with excitement, and doesn’t offer much comfort, if at all. Sexual assault scenes are frequent, just as frequent as the dreaded love-stat death ending, which lets us know he is easily lost in his own feelings, even if the MC is actively dying.
This Strade punishes you for having a knife, multiple times. Even when he’s dying, the only thing he can focus on is making you hurt, making you know that you fucked up. He gives no second chances.
I’m certain in this particular game Strade has killed dozens as well, maybe even more, but it seems like he does it for the same reason someone has a quick hook-up, to get off and then leave. He says he wants to get to know you intimately, but then doesn’t give you many options to do much, or say much, without turning things for his own benefit.
He’s obsessed with your pain, addicted to it, but not in the same way that he is in YKMET.
I want to get back on track. I want to dig my fingers into his head, read his thoughts and his expressions in YKMET extensively now. Every scene, every ending, every possible option. I’ve dedicated around 3 days straight of playing and re-playing YKMET, then watching playthroughs of others’ experiences with the game when not going through it myself.
I’m definitely not some psychiatrist, but I felt like one at times, taking notes on pen and paper before formatting everything here.
It’s odd from the start, just like MC says, when paying direct attention to Strade over everything else.
He is still cruel, very much so, in some of his dialogue and actions. Like during the second day, before your choice between tools, as he’s telling you how cute you’d look with your liver in your mouth. And if you fall down the stairs during the first night, he’ll drill, or hammer nails into your broken knee, then press upon it on day three as it’s swelling (which happens regardless).
But.. he is soft, too, just as much as he is sadistic. I think, omitting BTD2 Ren, Strade cares about you the most. And his care is cruel by default, yes, but these little mercies are something to look into.
During the intro, as I said before, he’s pressuring you to drink, eventually letting up and apologizing. This isn’t the only time within the game where this occurs.
When you back out of cutting yourself, he says that he won’t make you. When he offers you the granola bar and you decline, he says again, that he won’t make you. Letting you have these choices, alongside the ‘major’ one, I think fits him nicely. He likes making you do things, but he also likes letting you have free reign, despite you not really being free.
During the first night, you can call him down (lie), and either ask for something to eat, or have him turn up the heat in the basement, both of which he obliges. If you’re low enough sanity, and nice enough to him, during the second night, he’ll touch you until you orgasm. The same goes for a hidden scene during the third and final night, where you back out of killing him at the last second, leading to a semi-consensual oral sex scene.
These are the more obvious soft moments. Interlaced between are times when he has feather light touches, he is careful around your wounds, and he is weary of the damage he’s causing.
He doesn’t let you deny the stitches, even if you’re afraid of the needle or if you try to fight back. He doesn’t drop you like dead meat after the tool choices. Instead, he resuscitates you after the hammer, even kissing you after you gasp back to life. He makes sure to clean your ‘tiny holes’ after he loses control and forces himself upon you after the drill.
There’s something to note about his words, too. The way he tells you to relax when kidnapping you, the way he talks you through the house and into the basement. The way he reassures that no, he isn’t going to hurt you yet. This continues throughout the entire game.
He’s very sweet, and unfortunately very honest, as well, when considering that he openly states how he thinks he’s going to kill you, and then later, that he had fun, but is going to kill you.
Even when you attempt to escape, both on the first and the third day, he understands, sympathizes with you. When you fall down the stairs, sure, he’s hurt you before, but it was all planned. He didn’t want you to break your leg, he even asks you not to cry otherwise he will (but he catches himself before really admitting that). You aren’t even punished for having the knife during this, or really during any other time, as he just makes a mental note that he needs to be more careful.
You can attack him lots of times within the game, but to me, there’s two notable times that are important. Once, when given the knife to cut yourself. And the other, when you tie him up in his side room.
The first one shows us that he’s masochistic, too. That, even when he knows what you’re going to do, he wants you to anyway. The tension between you two, held tightly just for a few moments, before you lunge at him. Of course, you don’t actually get to hurt him, he stops you immediately, but that isn’t the point for him. This is another reason why I believe him to think of himself as immortal. That is..
Until you zip-tie his hands.
But, now I want to focus on his face. Throughout the game, his expressions are varied, emotions plastered for you to see, unabashedly. This.. rage.. on his face that he has, when he knows he’s captured, knows you have the upper hand. It isn’t rage at all.
It’s fear. It’s desperation. It’s the turmoil of a man who has been turned to prey.
Strade shows anger lots of times, but if you really look at it, it’s a manic sort of thing. A twisted growl, a smirk. You can see impatience twitch when he waits for your choice on day two.
In Boyfriend to Death, even when you’re quiet, his anger is quickly dissolved into Schadenfreude. And in that game, the only time there is a similar look of terror/rage, it’s when you attack Ren and get the axe ending.
That quick fear, one that falters out into complete silence. There’s no time to play around with you. He wants you gone, plain and simple.
I don’t think I’ve seen anyone ever say that Strade was afraid in that moment, maybe because we didn’t know he could feel that back then, but maybe it’s that fear and anger are hard to distinguish on a face sometimes.
Ren was unable to defend himself. Ren was scrawny and skittish, and Ren wasn’t the Ren we know. Why wouldn’t Strade fear for him? Fear losing him?
In YKMET, attacking Ren leads to him fighting back, Strade kicks you off when you get close to killing him, but he knows that Ren had been down there anyway. Knew, before any real danger could arise. And he knows Ren has that backbone, an ache just like Strade does.
Just like you do.
-
There’s one ending that sticks out the most to me. Written off as just another death, but one with a layer of uncertainty to it. And it is uncertain at a surface level glance. But there is something deeper there. And to understand it, we need to go back and read Strade’s dialogue during day three with the table saw.
Strade says, quote: “I really love machines. Did I ever tell you that? I like to pull them apart and figure them out. But there’s more to it than that. Machines are all made by people. For a purpose.. Ah, an intention! I love to look for that intention. The reason people make what they make. Do what they do.” Pause. “People think machines are ugly. More than ugly. Repulsive. People make the machines, but they don’t want to look at them. I find that very interesting. But it does make sense, doesn’t it? Intentions can be very ugly.” End quote.
The main menu theme for YKMET is called ‘Words Are Such Gross Machinery.’
Within the game, MC’s inner monologue also mentions machinery, more specifically, when thinking about Strade.
“He moved with perfect sureness and precision, like a well-oiled machine.” When choosing the hammer.
“I felt like I was being pushed through a corridor. Sweat and heat, walls closing and pushing me closer to a killing machine.” When choosing the drill.
Multiple different scenes say that Strade moves with mechanical precision.
This isn’t about the table saw, some power tool, or even the killing machines Beg and Cry from TINR. This is commentary on Strade himself, the things he does to Ren (and you), and a fourth wall break all in one.
This is calling out to the player, even me, as I sit here and write this all down. Looking at something grotesque and wanting to know more, finding meaning in the grossness, finding comfort at the end of the bloody tunnel.
Strade is a serial killer, not unlike real life ones. And this analytical behaviour is present in our everyday lives, living on in true crime documentaries and conspiracies around cold cases. The why and how. How could someone like Strade exist? Why would someone like this game, this.. man?
MC says in the uncertain ending ‘You Loved Him Too Much’, quote: “He was looking at me like he had destroyed something magnificent. Destruction is too simple. He was looking at me like he had built something magnificent.”
From the ground up, Strade has built someone just like him. Taking you apart like one would a broken machine, and mending you to fit his worldview, sadomasochism and all.
Quote: “Once you stare into the sun long enough, you can’t see anything else. I shared his addiction now; His ravenous hunger for light and life. I opened my eyes and my body. And I let him inside.” End quote.
You had died, yes, whatever you that was there before wandering into the bar, before being torn apart, before breaking down completely.
You metamorphosized into him. And so has Ren.
I was keeping this discussion about Ren, and the TPOF dream sequences that occur in the game, for last. I anticipated that this would take up most of the word count, and even though I wanted to strictly talk about Strade, I knew I had to include this as well.
Afterall, there is no TPOF without Fox, no Fox without Ren, and no Ren without Strade.
Strade was the catalyst for the entirety of Ren’s ‘dark path’, even though he had such a little cameo in TPOF himself.
There’s 7 dream sequences that can occur on night two, I labeled and put them in a somewhat coherent order.
Fox (Beginning)
City (Celia)
Desert (Derek)
Mountain (Mason)
Death (End)
Doppelganger (Strade)
Lawrence
Lawrence isn’t really necessary to go over, however the other ones are.
The bold words are green in YKMET, being said by Strade himself, demon or not. These are just my interpretations, so bear with me. I’m open to what others might think about these, too.
Fox is as follows:
I'm in a box. A moving box. Dark shapes of a world outside rushed past me.
Like a car... but I wasn't driving.
Why am I so afraid?
“Are you ready to live?”
The car is going too fast. I can't focus!
“Let me out!”
“You're already out. This isn't a test drive.”
“You're going too fast! There's fire!”
“You're already burning.
Living.”
“PLEASE LET ME OUT!!!”
“Oh... I love you so much.”
When you start The Price of Flesh, you’re groggy, waking up mid car ride to the auction, before someone notices you moving, and another voice tells them to put you back to sleep.
In the beginning of YKMET, we all know Strade blindfolds you and throws you into his trunk. However, after the scene where he gets you off, he says that calling an orgasm ‘the little death’ in french doesn’t really make much sense, as this is as alive as you can get.
I take this at face value, this dream meaning that this new life of torture is already living. That they aren’t trapped on a simple test drive. That they can’t get out of the car once the ride has started. They can’t get rid of Strade once he’s there. He’s imprinted, burned into their memories and onto their skin.
City is as follows:
I was up somewhere high. The window was hard to see through. Cold.
“Are you down there?”
I tried to see, but it was blurry and dark. City lights bled through the window, into my eyes.
“I don't know. I can't see.”
“If you're not down there, where can you be?”
“What do you mean? I'm down there... I just can't see.”
I pushed my face against it and it stretched.
“Are you?”
My fingers began to poke through the glass. My weight pushed it further and further out. But I still couldn't see.
“You can stay with me, here.”
I pushed… My face slid through, followed by my body.
And I fell.
“I love you so much.”
If you have played Celia’s route, you know that you’re trapped within an abandoned office building on the very top floor.
Across the street from the bar in YKMET are very high-rise buildings, ones you have to crane your neck to see the top of. MC could be dreaming of themself up high, watching another version of themself down there walk into the bar. Wanting to stop it, they burst through the window, but it’s too late, they’re already inside.
I think of another scenario, too. One where the MC internalizes Strade’s fear of losing them, hence Strade wanting confirmation that they’re still down there (in the basement), and telling them they can stay there with him.
Desert is as follows:
I struggled to breathe. Something weighed down on my body.
“Are you here yet?”
I struggled under the weight as panic travelled through my nerves. I can't breathe! I- I...
I thrashed in terror, and the sand fell away around me.
“Are you coming to see me? Will you ask for me?”
I blinked away the last grains and tried to see where I was. Nothing but darkness and warm sand. I tried to see a horizon, but I couldn't focus.
“There will be blood here. But not yours.”
“Hello? Who are you?”
I tried to stand up, but I couldn't seem to get a foothold. The sand kept shifting under me.
“PLEASE!”
“Exquisite vitality... Sublime profanity…”
I sank into the softness and screamed.
“I love you so much.”
This one takes place in Derek’s route, the only time Strade appears at all in TPOF. Morphed into a demon of pure sadism, feeding off of pain and fear.
There will be blood here, he says, but promises that it won’t be ours. MC dreams of being crushed, suffocated under sand, but it's as if they’re being crushed under Strade’s expectations, too. The expectation to survive the climate, to ask for him, to bring upon him by killing another as a sacrifice.
Are you here yet? Yet, implying that you will be there, eventually, inevitably. The MC dreams of something that is bound to happen, written in stone. They’ll go through this again, and go through the path needed to reconnect with Strade again. Nightmares of forever.
Mountain goes as follows:
My body ached from climbing. That's right... I was climbing a tree.
I grabbed and pulled, fighting through a thick canopy.
“Can you see it yet?”
Frustration and sharp branches clawed at me.
“Just... a little more”
“Are you looking?”
My head burst into clear night air. I saw a mountain, and a forest.
“Look.”
“At what? What am I supposed to-”
My body froze. Cold sweat covered my palms.
“Where are they?”
Something smiled, and I stared into the sky.
There was no moon. There were no stars.
“No…”
There was nothing. Only nothing.
I looked down as the world shifted.
“Why don't you let go?”
My hands slipped as I tried to grasp the rough branches. They flowed through my fingers as my legs dangled into the sky.
“NO!”
I couldn't hold on. They wouldn't stay still.
“I love you so much.”
I fell into the void.
The tree overlooking the neverending forest, and Mason’s cabin.
This is another falling dream, except this time, you’re falling up without meaning to, as if sucked into the black hole of a sky. MC is trying to grasp onto the world, as meaningless as it could be. This is fear of losing what they have in life, losing themself before Strade. Strade wants them to let go, there’s no need to hope for something else other than this life they have now, can’t they see it yet?
(Another thing I noticed, and perhaps am just projecting, but ‘I stared into the sky. There was no moon. There were no stars’ reminded me of My Own Summer by Deftones. If that was intentional, that's pretty awesome on Gato’s part.)
Death goes as follows:
I gasped and sat up slowly. As my eyes adjusted slowly, I took in the soft waves of the snow. It fell around me in thick, warm clumps.
“Are you listening?”
Of course, none of that was real. Silence and snow surrounded me. Softly caressing me.
“Why won't you listen?”
I looked for the voice.
“I am listening.”
No wind or muted snowfall penetrated my cloak.
I am happy here.
I am safe here.
“You are not here.”
The voice!
I screamed at the voice.
I screamed again.
Why couldn't I hear!?
“I will listen for you. And you will scream for me.”
“I love you so much.”
A Mason ending that happens when you wander the wilderness until the beginning of winter. Or, have a run-in with Lawrence, and more importantly, death itself. The snow is warm because you’re hypothermic, actively dying.
This is an escape for MC, a way to forget about Strade and the things that ‘aren’t real’. They are bickering with the voice, no longer afraid, and no longer tormented. They are angry that it won’t listen to their pleas for death, and Strade is angry that they want to die (read: you are not here). He takes their voice, as it is all they have left to fight him with, and morphs it to scream for death by his hand, and his hand only.
Doppelganger goes as follows:
I blinked and strained to see in the darkness. Slowly, I began to make out a shape. It moved with me.
“Who am I?”
I fearlessly reached out and touched the moving shape. My fingers met soft, familiar flesh.
“Oh. It's me.”
“It's me.”
It was my skin, I could feel it. I could tell by the electricity inside it.
“That's me.”
I moved, and my reflection moved with me.
“Are you sure?”
My fingertips halted, gently pressed against my own. I tried to focus on the details.
What do I look like? What am I supposed to look like? Who is this?
“It's me.”
Filled with sudden revulsion, I pulled back.
But I did not.
I reached for my throat as I stumbled backwards.
“I love you so much.”
You and Strade are now one. You love him so much that you two are indiscernible from each other, sharing the same familiar flesh and electricity.
Ren and Strade are now one. Strade loves Ren so much that Ren is now molting from himself, ready to burst out of his cocoon to show off his new body.
You and Ren are now one. Two victims that went through near identical situations, picked out of hundreds of others to live.
You are not scared in this nightmare as you are in others. You are repulsed, but curious about the thing in front of you. You do not try to run, you do not try to escape, you merely pull back and clutch onto yourself, as if confused as to how you ended up like this.
You understand Strade on a deeper level, forced to stoop to his fervent sadomasochism. You’re a cog in a machine that he created, his words your blueprint.
I’m unsure of where the MC ends up after this specific ending. I’m unsure of just how bad the chaos of having not one, not two, but three ‘Strade’s’ all in one house would be.
I know it would be repulsive, I know it would be ugly. But there’s something to admire about a love so violent, so sadistic, and so self-destructive.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and Strade couldn’t find something more beautiful than you.
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