Iâve been thinking about this line from Andrew for an absurdly long time. every time I come back to it, it brings up the same thought that I can never quite put into words, because I still donât fully understand how far that thought actually goes. the simplest conclusion I keep drawing from it is that itâs obviously a confession from Andrew. but the more I think about it, the more I realize thatâs far too simplistic. he isnât just admitting that heâs attracted to Neil. heâs being much more careful, and, at the same time, much more intimate, about acknowledging what could potentially exist between him and Neil if Neil ever figures himself out.
Neil is trying to understand whether Andrewâs physical boundaries are absolute. whether there is anyone for whom those boundaries could be different.
and Andrewâs final answer is: âIt doesnât matter to a man who doesnât swing.â
and this is where it gets much more interesting to me. because Andrew doesnât give Neil a straightforward âno.â he doesnât say, âI donât like being touched at all.â âI donât let anyone touch me.â âI donât want you touching me.â Instead, he does something very specific: he ties the relevance of that information to Neilâs sexuality. and thatâs where I start reading the line as a confession.
because if Neil genuinely isnât attracted to men, then Andrew is right: there is absolutely no reason for Neil to know who Andrew allows to touch him, where exactly his boundaries are, or whether there is anyone he allows closer than that. none of it matters to Neil because Neil isnât a âpotential participant in that situation.â
but then there is the OTHER possibility: If Neil figures out his sexuality and realizes that he is attracted to men, suddenly that information stops being abstract. and this is where Neilâs status in Andrewâs eyes changes.
as long as Neil doesnât know whether he is attracted to men at all, Andrew has no reason to give him access to that information. why would Neil need to know where Andrew can and cannot be touched if Neil doesnât even know whether he would ever want to touch a man that way?
but if Neil eventually figures himself out and realizes: yes, men attract me (or, more accurately, yes, Andrew attracts me, heh) then the situation becomes completely different.
now Andrew can look at him and, theoretically, think: you could be someone for whom there is room for something deeper than just getting each other off with your hands cuffed together.
and thatâs why Andrewâs boundaries stop being just information. they become coordinates.
and a much more intimate reading of the line suddenly becomes possible:
âIf you realize that youâre attracted to men, then I can show you my boundaries. I can tell you where youâre allowed to touch me. I can give you permission to go places I have never let anyone else go.â
knowing Andrewâs boundaries doesnât only mean knowing where you canât touch him. potentially, it means learning where you can. and that is a huge difference.
because that is where Andrewâs confession lies for me: in the fact that he is allowing for the specific possibility of Neil gaining access to him.
theoretically, there is a chain of events:
Neil figures himself out â realizes he is attracted to men â Andrew has a reason to consider him potentially interested â Andrewâs boundaries become relevant to Neil â Andrew can give him that information â and along with that information, he can give Neil permission to cross boundaries that were previously off-limits. (a pass into a level of physical and emotional intimacy that Andrew has kept forbidden to everyone around him. especially when Andrew is clearly already interested in Neil in a way that goes deeper than his earlier casual hookups.)
and that, to me, starts sounding almost like an invitation to take their ânothingâ further.
not necessarily in the sense of a relationship or romantically. but to stop keeping the physical intimacy between them at the level it exists at now.
and I keep coming back to the fact that Andrew introduces this specific condition at all:
âa man who doesnât swing.â
because that means Neilâs sexuality isnât merely information about Neil. It becomes the reason Andrew could potentially let Neil closer than anyone else.
and that is the part that feels so significant to me: Andrew already has the desire and interest in Neil. the only thing separating that desire from actually letting Neil further into his boundaries is, in a sense, the formality of whether Neil has the necessary sexual orientation to want what Andrew could give him.
and that is why I read the line as such a careful confession:
âIf you donât want men, there is no reason for you to know what I might allow you to do. But if you realize that you do want them, then you might become someone I would allow to do those things.â
now weâre talking about Andrew choosing a specific person who could potentially be given access to something he has never given anyone else access to.
and yet, he still doesnât promise anything. but he also doesnât cut off the possibility with an absolute no. he leaves a condition.
and that condition essentially amounts to: if Neil ever realizes that Andrew is someone he could be attracted to, Andrew is willing to consider Neil as someone he could let closer. further than anyone else.
and I think thatâs exactly why this line feels like a confession to me even though, technically, Andrew never directly confesses anything. It isnât a confession in the form of: âI want you.â Itâs a confession in the form of:âI could potentially give you something I donât give other people, but first you have to figure out whether youâre capable of wanting it.â
and suddenly âIt doesnât matter to a man who doesnât swingâ stops sounding like a deflection. It almost becomes an instruction with a condition attached. It becomes a conversation about access, permission, trust, and the possibility of becoming an exception for Andrew.
and I think thatâs probably why this line feels so much like a confession to me. because Andrew doesnât tell Neil: âThereâs nothing between us.â he tells him: âRight now, this is nothing because you donât yet know whether it could mean something to you. But if you ever realize that it couldâthen the situation might change for me, too.â
and that might change is the most important part of the entire line to me.
because Andrew leaves open the possibility that one day nothing might stop being simply nothing.
because he is admitting that, if Neil really does turn out to be someone who is attracted to men, Andrew might choose him as the person he allows to come closer.
