sweat and other loves

extensive commentary on the morbid nature of mortality. our protagonist Keisuke struggles to address why the idea of a Normal Life™ makes so many people, including himself, suicidal.

[brianimanuel]

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[mccnxhild]

open to: m/nb plot: my muse is in love with yours and has already admitted to it, but your muse seems to be playing games?

“Why do you keep doing this to me?” Rei asked the other with a sigh as she stood in their door way. “You call me late at night for something because you know i’ll come – you know how i feel and that i will always come when you need me.” she said and crossed her arms over his chest. “you made it clear you don’t want me like that, but yeah were still friends. but you do stuff like this? why?”

[keisuki]

“Because...” His lips part in an attempt to express inexpressible words... inevitably they close again, with an unsatisfactory but apologetic swallow closely following. Natural charm evades him at such an ungodly hour: his hair gel has a crust to it, his top lip is lined with night-sweat, his hands fidget due to a mixture of panic and yerba maté. "It’s not fair on you, I know. Please? One cup of tea. I’ll give you taxi fare to get home.” 

[keisuki]

#1 [ What was your dream when you were young? Did your dream change as you grew up? If so, how? ]

“Excuse my sub-par Korean,” he begins reluctantly. His Korean is fine. Stiff perhaps but above average. He’s preemptively explaining away questions about the artistic flair that colours his incantation rouge. It’s definitely there, adding character to every quiet word he utters. The subtle rises and falls sound romantic, if not delicately charming; there’s nothing to be sorry about. His dark and hooded eyes search yours but underneath the brooding stare his irises are bright, and his voice encapsulates this contradiction perfectly. “I wanted to write when I was younger. Not necessarily fiction or anything... Anything... Uh, what’s the word... Controversial? I, simply, yearned to have a clear grasp of language as a boy. I... found satisfaction in translating the unfinished sentences in my head on to paper. It’s simple, alas, never underestimate the power of words. The thin... veil between the mind and the world.

“I don’t really uh, want to put myself out like that anymore.”

#2 [ Why did you come to Seoul? Or what made you come to Seoul? ]

“My Grandmother.” As though his answer needs no further context nor explanation, he nods twice and interlaces his slender digits together. Funny bone-tickling tales of his favourite relative by blood, eccentric and adorable, are spared. A visceral description of her wild, white hair and warm, wacky smile is withheld. He chooses not to expand further in a moment of pure selfishness. There’s something honest about this reluctance to open up and share his overly abundant source of joy. People with their sharp tongues and insensitive gazes of sympathy... They have a knack for ruining things.

#3 [ What do you hope to ultimately achieve here? ] 

“Peace. It sounds foolish. A twenty-seven-year-old seeking tranquillity in a big city of youth, growing bigger by the second... But the quieter the town the louder, and more intrusive, the people, I’ve found.” His eyes glitter, poised for a wink that doesn’t quite come. He takes a sip of complimentary coffee, winces at the temperature and then swallows.

[aestheras-deactivated20160129]

bold what applies to your muse.

PLACE IN SOCIETY

financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty.

medical: fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged.

class or caste: upper / middle / working / slave / unsure.

education: qualified / unqualified / studying.

criminal record: yes / yes, for minor crimes / no.

FAMILY

married - happily / married - unhappily / engaged or betrothed / partnered / single / divorced / separated / no.

has a child or children ( technically ) / has no children / wants children (in the future).

close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased.

orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by birth parent(s).

TRAITS + TENDENCIES

extroverted / introverted / in between.

disorganized / organized / in between.

close minded / open-minded / in between.

calm / anxious / in between.

disagreeable / agreeable / in between.

cautious / reckless / in between.

patient / impatient / in between.

outspoken / reserved / in between.

leader  / follower / in between.

empathetic / unempathetic / in between.

optimistic / pessimistic / in between.

traditional / modern / in between.

hard-working / lazy / in between.

cultured / un-cultured / in between / unknown.

loyal / disloyal / unknown.

faithful / unfaithful / unknown.

BELIEFS

monotheist / polytheist / atheist  / agnostic / not applicable.

belief in ghosts or spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in an afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in reincarnation:  yes / no / don’t know / don’t care.

belief in aliens: yes  / no / don’t know / don’t care.

religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious / not applicable.

philosophical: yes / no.

OPINIONS

pro-suicide / anti-suicide / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-euthanasia / anti-euthanasia / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-choice / anti-abortion /  doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-marriage / anti-marriage / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-death penalty / anti-death penalty / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-drug legislation / anti-drug legislation / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-murder / anti-murder / doesn’t care or on the fence.

pro-cannibalism / anti-cannibalism / doesn’t know care or on the fence.

left wing / right ring / middle / doesn’t know or on the fence.

SEXUALITY + ROMANTIC INCLINATION

allosexual / asexual.

alloromantic / aromantic.

sex repulsed  / sex neutral / sex favorable / doesn’t know or unsure

romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable / doesn’t know or unsure

sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious / uninterested.

potential sexual partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all.

potential romantic partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all.

ABILITIES

combat skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

literacy skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

artistic skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

technical skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none.

HABITS

drinking alcohol: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

smoking: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

other narcotics: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

medicinal drugs: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

indulgent food: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

splurge spending: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

gambling: never / sometimes / frequently / to excess.

[yosukehasghosts]

There was no telling if his pandering had been a success. Not when the tall stranger, looking like he’d just been plucked out of a daze, stared back at Yosuke as if what he’d just said had gone through one ear and right out the other. It wasn’t to say he was all that surprised. On a night like tonight where the noise of the evening prickled across slippery skin, and frivolities lumbered at a high pitch fever– who was he to assume his first question would be the last? But he was as stubborn as they came, and he straightened up with what might’ve been a flourish if his eyebrows weren’t covered by the rim of his beanie and he hadn’t worn the same pair of jeans two days straight. 

“Happy new year, man. You willing to spare a guy some change? Don’t got my wallet on me.. y’can see how that might put a damper on my drinking plans.” Lazy nonchalance stuck to the back of his teeth, something closer to a grin replacing what had just been a sheepish fold of lips. Yosuke figured honesty was his best policy, and he saw no reason to come up with any sort of scheme when all he wanted was a bottle between his fingers and something bitter on the flat of his tongue. For all of his thoughts that he had left the house prepared, his original intention had been a beer run and a quick escape to the safety of his living room where he’d spread knobby elbows and too long legs across the couch. Instead here he stood, jacket zipped only halfway up and trying not to badger a quiet man too much for anything that would get him closer to his plans for the new year. 

He can’t remember when he’d become so boring, but there was no swell of regret. Just amusement at the fact the him of years ago would’ve brandished this scenario like a badge of pride for all his companions to see. “Promise I ain’t sketchy.”

[keisuki]

Honesty was the last thing Keisuke expected to leave the mouth of an alcoholic, lest of all an alcoholic stranger; the transparent request unknowingly increased the odds of Yosuke stumbling home inebriated by the end of the night. Alcoholics didn’t tell the truth. Victims of any addiction didn’t tell the truth. The lied, they stole, they fooled nobody but themselves, reeked of self-pity to the extent that their unbearable woe often rubbed off on others. The poorly thought out ‘promise’ made him linger (‘Promise I ain’t sketchy’ was something only sketchy people said) but in the interests of getting home as soon as possible, and potentially making someone’s night that little bit better, he slid out his wallet. Odd how he felt more like the archetypal self-sacrificing martyr almost every single time he stepped out on to the streets, in comparison to the self-hating white-collar mess he became cooped up in that charity office six days a week, attempting to shift impermeable walls of paperwork. 

“Sure.” 

The transaction cost Keisuke 60,000 won and a jolt of regret. On the flip side, 60,000 won worth of alcohol would be enough to make anyone belligerent and unintelligible for the next passerby to safely ignore. The silence felt substantial enough for him to comment –– say something futile about drinking responsibly, wish the fellow a prosperous New Year, or something, anything, to change his mind. If Keisuke had less inhibitions as a foreigner in a strange and new land, he’d pose a question about future plans, not because he cared, but because he wanted them to have a deeper connection than future-drunkard and supplier of funds. Instead, he nodded, both hesitant and self-assured. 

[figgs5]

Visit Original Link

[keisuki]

@eloquvnt:

➛                      The past… It really was something she couldn’t let go of, yet she knew she had to try to let go of the things that had hurt her so much. Never had it been something she would be proud of. Here, a stranger, pointing out the facts once more. A mere stranger telling her how to deal with the past. But how? She did not know. Yuna was often confused with the human rights, deeds, often going the wrong way instead of the right like a broken compass. She had never expected that living a human life would be this hard, there was no way she could shut down her emotions and risk going on a rampage. Who knew where she would end up after? Yuna pinched the bridge of her nose with a soft sigh escaping her lips, there was a gentle curve of the corners; indicating a smile. Her brown orbs carefully searched the male in curiosity, was he really wise or?

“Without a doubt it’s not something you should linger… Although, it’s hard to let go of things that happened in the past. Have you? Are you able to stay with your mind in here and now?”

“Sure.” Who didn’t give the occasional short nod back at better times, greater times, worse times and sadder times? Who didn’t spiral down the dreaded dark hole of nostalgia with their chosen vice from time to time? It was never his intention to sit tall and mighty on a cheap, plastic, soju-tent, picnic-chair, holding on to a cheaper-still bottle of flat beer. He wasn’t an almighty wisdom-sprouting Buddha with liquor problems, just a common man with a blunt word or two for whoever stuck around to listen. It was a tightrope slicked with oil, balancing between acknowledging the past, learning from it even, and refusing to stay in the present. But he managed. Had to focus on that dying day, the impending zombie apocalypse, love, and all of the dire sentences patiently waiting in store. Besides, he’d run out of things to reminisce about if he refused to top up his archives with new experiences from time to time.  

If he knew her, he’d tell her to stop being so hard on herself. He’d also put forward the crazy notion that she was making her life harder for herself, for whatever reason. But he didn’t know her. And what right did he have? He shrugged apathetically. “Am I able to stay with my mind, you ask? Well, you tell me, what am I without my mind?” 

[keisuki]

❛ it’s freezing, i can’t feel my fingers. ❜

“We’ll be there soon. Promise.” His agreement comes in the form of indirect acknowledgement. It’s freezing. He also cannot feel his fingers. A throbbing numbness claims monopoly over his exposed left hand as they battle against the howling winds (a harsh addition to the otherwise picture perfect weather). Scarf-less and glove-less, Keisuke feels helplessly unprotected, even with the inky black turtleneck concealing his neck. He can only be grateful that they have a place to go, unlike too many poor souls trapped bearing the brunt of the frigid winter. 

"Imagine someplace warm. And by the time you’re deep in a daydream we’ll be there.” (Purely wishful, fanatical, thinking; Do Not try this at home.) 

[futuriistic]

Until Dawn Sentence Starters Pt 1

may contain spoilers.

❛ whatever you say, darling! ❜

❛ understand the palm of my hand, bitch. ❜ 

❛ maybe we should start with a little, you know, making out and see where it goes from there. ❜ 

❛ what did you do?!  ❜ 

❛ jesus hot sauce christmas cake. ❜ 

❛ i suspect that SOMEONE is not being entirely honest with me… ❜ 

❛ i know you’re all probably worried about me. ❜ 

❛ wait a second, are you saying we should break in? ❜ 

❛ i don’t think it’s breaking in if you own the place. ❜

❛ maybe if we’re lucky, she’ll follow us out here and get eaten by a bear. ❜

❛ let’s party like we’re fucking porn stars! ❜

❛ do you intend to continue with this elaborate self indulgence? ❜

❛ you want to ruin our fun that bad? well, guess what? you can’t! you can’t ruin our good time. _______ and i are gonna fuck! that’s right! we’re gonna have sex! and it’s going to be hot! so enjoy it, because we will! ❜

❛ you couldn’t buy a loaf of moldy bread with your skanky ass. ❜

❛ that bitch is on crack or something. ❜

❛ i didn’t really figure you for the glass half empty type. ❜

❛ stay out of it, you dumb oaf. ❜

❛ when are you gonna take him/her/them to the bone zone? ❜

❛ get away! get away from me! ❜

❛ you just won’t listen to me, and things seem pretty fucked up. ❜ 

❛ you had so many people who cared about you, who were willing to help, but at every turn you chose to push them away. and now you’re all alone. ❜

❛ no, no, no, not again! ❜

❛ you are a coward! ❜

❛ i don’t take orders from you. you can’t tell me what to do. ❜

❛ okay, i trust you. i trust you. ❜

❛ why didn’t you save me, ______? ❜

❛ come on, it’s okay. ❜

❛ are you sure? ❜

❛ well, i’m not dead yet. ❜

❛ it’s freezing, i can’t feel my fingers. ❜

❛ i’d like to focus on how we’re going to get the fuck out of here, please. ❜

❛ it doesn’t hurt anymore. really. ❜

❛ fuck, i can’t do this. ❜

❛ you did the right thing. ❜

❛ no, there’s no excuse. there’s no excuse for this! ❜

[keisuki]

Dearest [ Keisuke ],

First of all, [ Happy New Year! ]. I’ve no doubt that last year was pivotal for the both of us, if not a steep yet bumpy learning curve that taught us a thing or two. We really appreciate [ your semi-permanent (albeit effortlessly gloomy) presence around the home ], we have taken a liking to your [ ... Unorthodox approach to enjoying life, French musings, rare smiles and abundant fortune cookies ]. Next time Year, [ please laugh a little! We have karaoke every Friday evening, would be great to see you there! ]. We really appreciate you, [ Keisuke ] !

Yours Faithfully, 

[ Freind Friends of The Elderly! ]

[lexiakalamarli-deactivated20180]

[keisuki]

happy new year

[yosukehasghosts]

Yosuke had never understood the hype.

Albeit, he’d never needed the excuse to drink beyond his means and engage in activities his folks would disapprove before either. More often than not, he lost track of the months and only took to remembering the days of the week as they pertained to his work schedule. For all he knew it was 2014– though even that was a bit of an exaggeration of his part. Some days he still thought he’d give up most anything to get back to 2012, long before broken throats and looks of sympathy were in his horizon.

Although he’d promised himself to drink less, how could he be expected to stop entirely when fireworks crackled in the distance and all he could think about was how well the burn of alcohol would go with it? But of course as most things went, he’d forgotten his wallet in the depths of his other jacket, and now he stood under the entrance of a convenience store looking as pathetic as he could. Yosuke knew if nothing else he’d have to wield all the charm he could muster at this rate. He was quick to half grin at the appearance of a leaving patron, hands shoved in his pockets and chin itchy where his scruff had overgrown.

“Hey… y’think you could spare some change? I just need a beer, left my wallet at home– fuckin’ something else, huh?” He’d never admitted to being good with words, and if he came across poor, so be it. Whatever would get him closer to a drink. He had the gall to look sheepish, or as close to it as a man in his state could.

[keisuki]

No matter the occasion, on universal holidays he would forever wind up lightly coated in the fluids and scents of other people, left on the sidelines to fester quietly as he reflected. New Years smelled unnervingly identical to Liberation Day –– carbon, alcohol and drunken vomit (he’d narrowly avoided the latter thus far) –– and Keisuke didn’t like it. His only getaway took the form of a long, straight path home, lined with drunkards singing and screaming and scuttling on the ground in vain efforts to regain their bearings and successfully reach for another bottle. It was amusing in a morbid way, humans behaving drastically animalistic, so much so that they looked like the caricatures he’d gawp at as a child. Caricatures that had finally escaped the flat thin pages of the Sunday paper, only to slink around, helplessly disproportionate, on streets where they didn’t belong. He hoped for their sake, that the New Year would be different.

The stench of liquor was so prominent on everything and anything that Keisuke couldn’t distinguish that person’s Hennessy from this person’s Courvoisier; a cloud of putrid vulgarity permeated everything in a 10 mile radius, and being bang in the middle of the action, he was starting to get used to the previously unbearable odour. Home, a peaceful start to the 2016, was so close yet so far. 

“Eh, sorry?” Lost in a daydream, the only proof his brain had that someone had attempted to make contact, was the image of an expectant stranger looking at him. A sheepish smile complimented his innocent apology. “Could you repeat, I didn’t hear...”

[kiceun]

         Yield? For him to do as she desired in first place. Arms folded across her chest in a vexed manner, expression derisive as she was not used for being declined. Normally, people would do as she pleased – for she was capable of charming other either by her lovely appearance or her stubbornness. “Do you think you can just buy me?” Because he could, anyone could.

[keisuki]

“It’s either that or nothing Your Call.” He raised a single eyebrow, poised to receive an answer entailing an object of some description, hopefully something that would be fun to shop for. Money was out of the question and off the table –– would only provide fuel backstreet purchases, and things he could never keep tabs on or control. Keisuke too could be stubborn, sometimes.

[crookedflesharchive]

[ † † ] – Possibly the most important question of our time hovered on the edge of his tongue. One that he destroyed many friendships and created even more enemies. It was a sensitive topic, which Yoongi held very high in regard. Most of the time, he wouldn’t even bother, but there were some people that he looked at and just needed to know. What’s their opinion on this earth-shattering topic? Am I ready for everything beyond this point to be changed forever? And, if the answer was ‘yes’, then he would indulge himself. Eyebrows furrowed in concentration, he asked boldly of the person next to him, “Uhm, so– what’s your favorite scary movie?”

[keisuki]

“Pardon me?” Had he... Had the man, so boldly standing before him, just attempted to ascertain key knowledge by using the golden and sacred enquiry in such a haphazard manner... ? (hyperbole) Or were the ears that God himself had gifted the young anthropologist simply deceiving him in a matter of jest, malfunctioning just to bring light to his eyes in lieu of subtle sarcasm–– (also hyperbole) One question mark and the air shifted, the conversation suddenly intense. Keisuke was not, had never been, sufficiently equipped with impartial critique to address the broad conundrum he’d been presented with, on the spot nonetheless... Of what decade exactly? Era? Of what sub-genre? Horror or terror? Even then, action horror, body horror, comedic horror, gothic horror and psychological horror–– Science-fiction, slasher, zombies... His brain slowly went into overdrive trying to process hundreds of titles and compare the incomparable. Overthinking? Well in a field he’d always been so emerged in it was difficult to not get swept up and away–– ‘Scary’ was not enough, would never be enough. Thankfully, Keisuke’s mental meltdown was private in it’s entirety –– his face remained eerily still, not a blink, not an eye twitch. “Uh, come again?”

[keisuki]

020112 // but you do not understand, my guilt, it stems from truth:

in an attic brimming with ideas, conceptions, gross assumptions and withering synapses, he does not belong. the only organ able to withstand the smoker’s bruises and unfiltered alcohol from my alter, he dares to hug me strong, a stiff sturdy ivory bone encasing rotten flesh. and i cannot describe those reproachful eyes, not glossier than heaven’s polished doors that turn us away...

i turned him, i did, into a drunk and a past tense. · ·☆ ☸ ⚛ ⚬

[keisuki]

The conversation unwittingly sends him back a number of years ago, to a seminar he’d attended as a hesitant first year. He envisions a virtually empty lecture theatre and ten idle students unsuspecting but eager, with new stationary, inkwells and recording tapes at the front. And then the presentation, black and white, subject topic underlined clearly. Morality and integrity. He’d been the only one to remain impartial throughout, to separate logical threads of thought from emotional gut responses. Psychopathy has never been a correct medical term, certainly couldn’t be associated with such a warm boy in any case––

We make rules to avoid chaos. But that doesn’t mean there is an innately mutual ‘wrong’ and ‘right’. We don’t want people murdering, stealing, raping because we’re all afraid we’ll somehow get caught in the crossfire –– this ‘moral code’ is poisoned by selfishness and ‘mutual’ gain. Some of us see that there isn’t sufficient gain, for us personally. The benefits aren’t mutual, the scale isn’t equal. So we bend the rules and get away with it. If aliens arrived on the planet tomorrow, and you had to explain this so called ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ how would, how could you?

If he’d been poised to say something before, he certainly wasn’t anymore after a brief reminder of the subsequent events. History repeats itself.

“Of course I believe in ghosts. But I don’t disturb them.” His shrug is unapologetic, his smile small. Lanky legs extend in front of him in languid strides as he strolls away, assuming she’ll follow. He decisively heads for what he knows to be the nearest cemetery as the sun begins to melt into the skyline... It’s still hot, but almost... Lazier as the previously harsh glow of the day softens. “If you got your hands on an ouija board, I wouldn’t join in. Disturb a vengeful ghost and you’ll never have peace.” 

[hanunishi]