nobody's perfect

Kellan A. Crisp. 18. Senior at Lancaster Academy.

[thewardlogan]

"… This is awkward.."

[kellancrisp]

"Trust me, it's more awkward on my end."

[thewardlogan]

"... Ohh, well.."

[kellancrisp]

"What?"

[reid-cole-deactivated20140821]

Is it summer yet?

[kellancrisp]

Seeing as it's only like October, I'm going to say no.. it's not.

[jcdedlove-deactivated20160624]

I’m so happy with how my sketches are turning out.

[kellancrisp]

Sketches?

[absolutely-andie]

Are too. I thought I was twelve and a half, not four.

I know you do, and it makes me incredibly happy. I can confidently say you are the one and only American baseball player who’s also a sort-of hockey fan.

[kellancrisp]

Wait, if you're twelve and a half, does that make me a little weird for dating you?

Shh, don't tell people I'm a sort-of hockey fan, it may ruin my rep forever if everyone knows I gave in to the Canadians.

[absolutely-andie]

Because you’re amazing.

Of course you were. I know, and I love you for it, because really, what other self-respecting American baseball player would give a shit about hockey?

[kellancrisp]

Am not.

Aw, I love you, too. Um, well, I don't know. I can't answer that question.

[absolutely-andie]

Hey, at least you knew it was a hockey team! 

But at the very least, you’re really adorable when you don’t know what you’re talking about.

[kellancrisp]

I've done a little research, I must admit.

Oh, well, I knew I was doing something right. Hey, at least I tried.

[absolutely-andie]

I’m pretty sure make up work is the worst thing in the entire world. Next to the Leafs.

[kellancrisp]

I'm going to pretend like I know about hockey for a second.

Oh, yeah, those damn Leafs are horrible.

[absolutely-andie]

So I’ve been learning. It’s a definite possibility, just saying. I would love to hear the story, but only if you feel comfortable telling it. You were a little crazy then? So.. what does that make you now? I only laughed because I never would have guessed. 

And I’m really proud of that.

[kellancrisp]

One day I will tell you the whole story. I'm a lot crazy now, but in a different way. Of course you wouldn't have guessed. No one could have guess, and that makes me really proud.

You should be.

[absolutely-andie]

I really don’t see you making me angry any time soon, but alright, deal. As long as you do the same when I start to annoy you. You really did, it was kinda hilarious. Babe, I was kidding. I get it, you have a past. Obviously, I do too, but the only thing that matters to me is the person you are today. I have to admit, though, thinking about you doing that stuff makes me laugh. 

That’s very true. I definitely am just a weird Canadian, but hey, apparently you like it so I’m not complaining.

[kellancrisp]

You never know, I can be unpredictable at times. Alright, I don't think that's going to happen, but you have certainly got a deal. Oh, I thought you wanted to know the story. And I had to defend myself because I was a little crazy when I was with her. Hey! Don't laugh at me. It's not fair.

You are a weird Canadian, but you're my weird Canadian.

[absolutely-andie]

That’s true, although Leo and I have quite the wealth of useless facts about Canada. You didn’t have to, but you did, because you’re amazing. It’s totally normal in Canada! I’m really surprised you haven’t heard of it, honestly. I did not! And you’re not one to judge. My “innocent” boyfriend who has apparently had a threesome and done drugs?

If I didn’t love you, I’d think you were a hypocrite.

[kellancrisp]

Okay, you have to remember that I am amazing if I ever make you angry for some reason. Oh, I really shocked people when I drank for that confession. Andie, I was 16 and my girlfriend at the time was very into drugs and we took some -- I don't even know what it was -- and then we had a threesome.

But you love me, so you don't. And if I didn't love you, I'd think you were just a weird Canadian.

[absolutely-andie]

That would be really fun, and, I mean, I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty sure I’d make a great tour guide. Oh, okay, that makes sense. Well, I’m glad you had each other. Really, you guys being friends makes me really happy.

Weird? No, no, it’s really normal. You just buy it in a bag and pour it into a pitcher or something. I didn’t mean it that way! 

[kellancrisp]

Well, I think anyone that has lived there before would make a great tour guide, plus you're very energetic so that's even better. I had to at least try for you, right?

No, no, no, it's not normal. What? No. That is so weird. Uh, I think you did!

[absolutely-andie]

That sounds pretty accurate to me. Really, Kell, I think you just need to visit Canada in order to fully understand. I’m totally okay with that plan, and I really am glad you two are friends. When exactly did that happen?

Oh, Jesus. It’s just milk, like, it’s how we buy our milk. It’s not messy if you know how to do it. And that sounded really dirty.

[kellancrisp]

I think so, too. We will have to go there one day. Uh it happened when you were in the hospital. I had to talk to someone who knew what was going on.

Oh, I was thinking it was powdered and you had to mix it with something to get milk. Okay, bagged milk is extremely weird. Um, okay, I think the girls at that party we went to are rubbing off on you. What has happened to my innocent girlfriend?

[absolutely-andie]

I can see why you would think that, but… I don’t know how to explain it. Hockey is to Canada what baseball or football is to America. I have honestly never met a Canadian who dislikes hockey. He wouldn’t.. okay, yeah, he might, maybe just a little bit. 

While we’re on the topic of Canada vs. America, you’ve heard of bagged milk, right?

[kellancrisp]

I think the Americans love for baseball and football combined is almost as much as the Canadians love for Hockey. Oh no, it would be way more than a little bit. I need to stay friends with him so I'm never going to mention your love of baseball to him.

What the hell is bagged milk? That sounds awful. Isn't it messy?

[absolutely-andie]

I guess it’s just how both of us were raised so differently. No, I don’t think that’s weird. If I did, it’d be a bit hypocritical, because Canadian money literally has people playing hockey on the back of it. I guess every country has their sport. Besides, I kind of like baseball, but I swear to God if you tell Leo I’ll deny it.

[kellancrisp]

I suppose that's it. I think Canadians tend to over do it, but I think that's what makes them pretty awesome. Oh God I will not be the one to tell Leo. Do you think I want him to kill me? I don't think I want to die this early.

[absolutely-andie]

A little bit, yeah. But let’s be honest, a lot of things about Americans are weird. Good, but weird.

[kellancrisp]

I think Americans are the most normal out of all the nationalities, honestly. Our love for baseball isn't really weird, if that's what you're talking about.

[absolutely-andie]

Of course he was, if it’s as weird as people say it is. I don’t know, I guess I just don’t hear the difference?

[kellancrisp]

Of course you don't hear the difference. You probably think the way we say it is weird, don't you?