Ups, Mostly Downs.

Battling depression, learning and being a mum!

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[kellymaries89-blog]

The Black sheep

So today after around 3 years I got a friends request from my dad now the problem with that is I don’t speak to my dad. I walked away from me an alcoholic and habitual drug user and a very nasty two faced self centered mum whom both abused me physically and emotionally....after almost three years I'm still licking my wounds so to speak and battling depression an anxiety because of everything they put me through. Is it wrong that I never want to see them again? Anyway I messaged my brother whom I also don’t speak to as he is just as bad as my parents and told them I wanted nothing to do with any of them and basically hoping he will pass the message on. The problem I have now is, I don’t know how to put this but I seen my mum in passing and she looked happy and then I saw my brothers profile and to me, it looks like they are all doing well and I am so hurt and angry by that. Why them? My brother is pursuing his dream of being a sports coach and he’s at uni and driving a lovely car with his big house and his missus and 3 kids. Don’t get me wrong I really do love my family and wouldn't trade them for the world but sometimes things are so hard.......we struggle for money sometimes, my daughter is disabled, I'm battling depression and it just feels like where is my happy ending? I've been nothing but kind all my life, I've never been nasty, I have always went out my way too help people and i lived with so much abuse yet still supported everyone of them. Where is the Karma.......why are things so hard for me when they are nothing but nasty people and have everything. I'm left not knowing who I am and a shell of a person after all they did but their lives just go on.......maybe I was wrong, maybe I am selfish. Maybe I was the problem all along and that’s why I'm here  now whilst all of them are happily living their lives and I'm struggling to get out of bed in the morning.

[kellymaries89-blog]

Today was a good day @jambo2310

[heartbreakhur]

[heartbreakhur]

:)

[kellymaries89-blog]

[kellymaries89-blog]

I crave love

I text my partner today and instead of the usual I love you message, today I told him I was so in love with him. Now I have two thoughts in my head. When you’ve been with someone for so long do those three words I love you mean I’m in love with you, your my everything, I can’t live without you or do you still have to make sure you show your in love and not just love the person as a friend? Does that make sense? My second thought was am I saying I’m in love with you because I need to hear it too and I’m coaxing you to tell me?….turns out I was. Now I know my partner would do anything for me, I know he loves me but I get so scared that he’s with me because it’s what he’s used to. That he does just love me as a friend! I need him to tell me how much like all the time and he does but I still don't believe him! I hate my illness, I hate that I put my partner threw this, I wish I could believe him and be smothered in love but how can anyone love me? Anybody who "loved" me only abused me so is this the case again? Does the security and the cuddles mean he stays with me? I wish I could understand I wish I felt wanted and loved, I wish I wasn't insecure and any time he was out or with friends or didn't text me straight away that I wouldn't automatically go straight to he doesn't love me, he's cheating on me, I'm not good enough.....I should leave! Now as I'm writing this I know I sound insane!! My handsome wonderful and absolutely stunning partner is an absolute Jem. I am so lucky to have him like he's unbearably gorgeous and funny and so amazing. He should be with someone one hundred times better than me but at the end of the day he's here with me and we have made two children and one heavenly baby together! I'm getting excited, I want to kiss him and get a grip of my shit! Depression and anxiety can push everyone out! It can play games with your head! I wish I could feel all the love and not doubt it.

[kellymaries89-blog]

Moving on isn't always black and white

Well today is my first blog, hopefully the start of moving on and dealing with everything.....sort of a therapy if you will! I'm a 26 year old mum with two kids and a doting partner who has the patience and kindness of a saint! I love him! I would say more about myself but no doubt everything will unravel the more I write. Everything is connected and intertwined. My youngest is having a nap and instead of using this time to clean my house, I've chosen to begin this, to take a step and tell my story. Where does my story begin? I feel I should start with something dramatic and gripping but I won't. Like I've already said I'm 26 and don't feel my age at all. I don't understand myself or feelings most of the time, I have suffered from anxiety, depression and panic attacks all my adult life! Every single day I question my abilities as a mum as a partner as a friend, everyday I struggle to smile and just be! I'm so tired all the time and could happily sleep my life away.....I don't want to die I just want to lay in bed and not talk, not live......just exist I suppose. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe it means I have some hope inside me still.

 Today I tried to fix a blind. It fell down weeks ago....I haven't had the time nor the energy to fix it since My beautiful daughter has just been diagnosed with cerebral palsy and although it's mild and I'm so thankful that we got the best of the illness if that even makes sense, I still hurt every single day and think why her? I feel it's a punishment, I feel it's because of me, I blame it on myself! I mean my first was healthy and happy when he was born but I had a third degree tear, I was rushed into theatre and my partner was left holding his first baby and told your partner could be paralysed! Thankfully I came threw it fine and although it's a painful memory for my partner we have a gorgeous and smart 6 year old boy who is our world! Years later my partner and I made the decision to have another baby, we got pregnant and it was amazing....we were so happy. We sorted out finances, started redecorating and then started buying baby things...no one knew about our little bundle not even our parents and not because we wanted to make it special but as much as I was happy and super excited I was so scared about telling my parents because they had TOLD ME not to have another baby....I felt I was being defiant and almost like a little girl who had done something bad. We decided to tell them once we had a scan picture so it would loosen the blow so to speak because then they would see a little baby, something more to love....we never got to that point. My sorry our little baby had died. I had lost our baby. It took everything from me, and still does.....my beautiful baby....we named our baby Grape soda because well you should go watch the film Up.....my partner and I always thought it was our lives so it seemed fitting to name our baby Grape soda.Little Grape soda, how I miss you and I'm sorry, I hope I'm making you proud, I love you. We never moved on or forgot but a while later we decided to try again, we were scared but wanted another baby so bad. Along came our little princess..she was born via c section due to my third degree tear, she was tiny (we had been told she would be a big baby) but here she was this tiny little baby with rosy red lips and porcelain skin. She looked like a doll. Everything went blurry I felt sick, I couldn't breathe, I was tired all of a sudden. The doctors and nurses were fussing over me, my partner was standing holding my baby looking at me in a way he never did. Machines were going crazy, I was dying.....

My daughter is now 16 months old and after months of speculation and uncertainty my baby girl was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy. My heart is breaking every day. I think its OK and then its not. IT’S ALL MY FAULT! Its my body, I was almost paralysed with my first, I lost my second and my third has cerebral palsy.....I feel responsible, its me, I done this to my babies. My beautiful babies......I want to cry and make a blanket fort, I want to turn back time enough to go back to the day before my daughter was diagnosed and have that little hope in me that she’s going to be OK, that everything was fine. I hate myself even more and now I have nothing left, I have no energy and I'm not good enough for my babies. I cant cope, how can I go on and be happy? I need the doctors, I need my antidepressant dosage increased but I cant even do that right. I have no energy........where is my blanket fort?