I stopped worrying about things that really don’t matter. And I stopped caring about that guy that broke my heart into a million pieces. And I stopped trying to create my own destiny. For the first time in 23 years, I have stopped thinking that my plan is better than His. Listening to His word and following my heart is so absolutely freeing. Taking chances and saying yes to adventures and seizing the opportunities God places in front of me. It’s pretty fun, actually.
One thing I have done (you can call it taking a chance, saying yes to an adventure, or seizing an opportunity God placed in front of me) is catch up with James. I drove down to Columbia one saturday of spring break for the day, expecting to have awkward silences, hostile conversation, and a lot of tears. The tears were definitely present, but the rest was replaced with dimpled cheeks and sore stomachs. I had a genuinely good time and was reminded of why I was in love with the kid for 5 years.
The effortless ability to fall right back into the comfort of being fully myself after not talking in months was actually quite terrifying at the beginning. I was not exactly expecting to go up for the day and instantly feel those butterflies as soon as I saw the way he looked at me as I dribbled Dr. Pepper down my shirt in the booth at Shakespeare’s (an all-too-familiar scene for him). That’s when I knew we were in trouble.
I’m not actually sure what my intentions were going up to visit him. I missed him. And the more time went on, the less he texted me, the less I saw him around town, so the more I missed him. It was weighing on my heart. Heavy. So, I asked when he would be home for spring break and if he wanted to catch up. I was surprised when he asked me to come up to Columbia, and I was even more surprised when I said yes. I made the decision not to tell any of my friends. Not Jessie, not Jordan, not Gloria, Andrea, or Allie. I needed to do this. And I needed to do this without anyone else’s opinion in my head. I honestly think it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. Too often I depend on other people’s advice and am influenced by their opinions. It was liberating to do something that I felt I needed to do, with no one else’s voice echoing in my head.
We ended up going to get sushi on Saturday night and sat eating, talking, and belly laughing for almost 3 hours. After, we went out for drinks and I felt so taken care of, so cared for. James has always had a gentle soul and a sweet, sweet charm. That was never my issue with him. The issue lied in the fact that he gave up on himself towards the end of our relationship. Which forced me to have to give up on him as well. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. He was just dragging through life, and dragging me down with him. It was the hardest and easiest thing I ever had to do, breaking up with James. At that point I was so numb to all feelings and really had no choice other than to end things. It doesn’t mean it didn’t kill a little piece of me, though. A year before, I 100% thought this was the man I was going to marry. But I couldn’t let someone love me who didn’t love themselves. And the exact opposite was displayed to me as I sat in that booth staring across the table at this man. The same man I fell in love with 7 years ago, but with a completely different spirit. His confidence, his attitude, his discipline, his faith, his intentions, his aspirations. They all radiated off of him. And it was so, so good to see. No matter if we’re together or not, I’ll always root for him. For his success and happiness. James has had tough times and has been through more trialing times than most people I know. And I could not be more proud of his growth and continued amelioration. It confirmed that I made the right decision in breaking up with him, not only for me, but for him as well. Because I was no perfect angel in our relationship either, and this time apart has brought me through more trials and tribulation I ever thought possible, but I’m so so SO thankful for it. The lessons I learned, the paths I was taken on, and the place I ended up was more than worth it.
Anyways, long story short I ended up staying in Columbia for 3 days. And I probably would have stayed more if he hadn’t had to work. After I left, I texted James what my favorite part of the weekend was. On Monday morning, I begged James to go to iHop with me, a place we had been to 100 times before. He asked if he could take me to this little diner downtown instead and I was hesitant. After a little convincing, I allowed him to take me to the diner and I got a banana pancake (well, he got a banana pancake but I think he only got one bite….:) ) which is different for me. And I know this sounds stupid but it wasn’t because the food was delicious, which it was, or because James paid for it, which he did, but it was because it was new to me. I wanted iHop, something sooo familiar to me and comfortable to me. But he insisted we go somewhere new. In a way, it was like pushing me out of my comfort zone, which is something I’ve been praying about a ton. When James and I broke up, I asked myself what kind of man I wanted to be with. And over the years I have come to the conclusion that I need someone who can push me, test my limits, get me out of my comfort zone and really see what this giant world has to offer. And I want someone who wants to make life an adventure. I wanna travel and explore, see new places and try new things. And I need someone who wants to hold my hand along the way. Even if its as simple as going to a cute little diner I’ve never been to in a city I lived in for 3 years over the chain restaurant you can see every 10 miles driving down the highway.
I had a really good time, better than I could have ever expected. And I’m really eager to see what the future has to offer me and James. As of right now, we are just trying to get to know eachother again. No labels or promises, just learning about the past 2 years of eachother’s lives. Struggles, successes, good times, and bad. And I’m actually really, really excited.
I did some things. And I’m really glad I did.
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