Kent Smith, NYT

They don't have enough room in the New York Times to publish everything I write. Contributor @ClickHole Twitter @kentsmithnyt

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Ah! Goddammit! WHy!

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Made this for The Jug last year. https://brownjugmag.wordpress.com/2016/05/30/what-each-state-googled-most-in-2015/

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

A conversation with a Trump supporter

Here’s a conversation (paraphrased, but pretty close) I had with a Trump supporter this morning at a little coffee shop. I think this really speaks to what’s going on in this election:

“Hi, I noticed you're wearing a Trump button,” I said, tapping the man on his powerful shoulder.

“Yep,” said the man, a little defensively. “I know he’s a bit much but I love him and I want to eat his toes.”

“Do you mind if I ask why you support Trump?” The caffeine was starting to kick in and I wasn't afraid of a little back and forth.

“I hate the moon,” he replied. “I’ve called my congressman every day for the last fourteen years and asked him to blow it up, but he’s never done anything about it. When I called Trump he promised to stuff the moon’s awful laughing mouth full of nukes. It’s nice to feel like I’m being listened to for once.”

I nodded.

“What if I told you that Trump isn't anywhere near as rich as he says he is? He says he’s successful, but he’s actually a lot more like you.”

The man stopped spinning in constant circles and thought for a second.

“I guess I’d never thought of it like that. My innumerable snakelike sons have been whispering in my ear that Trump is a self-made billionaire and that eyes are black with white sides rather than the other way around but I never considered that he might be a conman, like the devil.”

“Donald Trump got a loan of $1,000,000 from his father to start his business,” I had this poor, beautiful man by the throat and he didn't even know it. “Now, I don't know about you, but if my father had a million dollars to give me I probably would've been able to start a few hotels.”

This struck a nerve. He struggled through his reply: “My father convinced me he was John F. Kennedy’s ghost and tricked me into investing my life savings into the first ever car with a roof. I made a billion dollars and gave it all to the pentagon under the condition that they use it to stop the moon from laughing.”

Sadly, the story for all too many Americans. It’s no wonder why people are angry.

“America is already great,” I told him fourteen times without stopping for breath.

“Thank you,” he said after exactly 6/5ths of an hour, eyes welling up with gooey tears. “I am still going to vote for Trump but only because I don't dare let Jill Stein win.”

“As is your duty.” I smiled, my job done.

By this time the server had finished burning the shit out of my egg sandwich and I took it from her and placed it on the trash can.

Please share this to remind people that we’re all in this together, and please remember to vote.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Made this with some friends a couple years ago.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Let’s break this down real quick.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

loling at this old yearbook photo of mine. i look so different now.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Made this for Brown University.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Inspiring quote from Dave Grohl.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

You know who you are...

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

The Oregon Militia Asked Me To Come Perform Stand Up For Them, And I Said No

These men will not be hearing my jokes.

It’s all over the news - the Bundy family has taken over a federal wildlife preserve headquarters in Oregon and encouraged gun overs from all over America to join them in making a stand. A prime opportunity for a comedian on the rise to make a name for himself. So why, when Ammon Bundy reached out to me personally to ask if I’d join them in Oregon to do 30-minutes of stand up for him and the militiamen, did I say no?

Something else I’d say no to? Cleaning out my inbox. Don’t even ask.

Well first of all, I’ve never done stand up before. I don’t have much prepared, and if I’m going to try it out, I want to be in front of an audience I can trust, and not a bunch of armed men I don’t even know. While I’d certainly appreciate the exposure if I had a good set, I wouldn’t want to bomb and have one of the men send the iPhone recording he took to CNN. There IS such a thing as bad publicity.

Secondly, Ammon made it seem like if I wanted the thirty minutes I’d have to emcee their open mic as well, and I didn’t want to do that.

An American flag.

Third, they weren’t going to pay me beyond transportation and a per diem, and it’s important to value yourself and your work. If I do a pro bono show for this militia, who knows what other anti-government groups might try to exploit my labor in the future? Maybe some militias would crop up around the country just to get me to perform, taking over federal buildings just to save on venue. It’s important to value yourself and your work. 

If that wasn’t enough, Ammon’s manager let me know in a separate email that they weren’t going to do any publicity or social media for the show, and that his gunmen would go so far as to discourage anyone who wanted to come to the show from entering the venue, potentially with threat of force. DO NOT feel like you have to do your own publicity.

Reminder to comedians: you don’t have to take this kind of stuff. I’m not a hero, I’m just trying to make a living.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

This Caption Works For Every New Yorker Cartoon

It took hours of brainstorming and days of trial and error, but I finally came up with a caption that works for every single New Yorker cartoon.  Here are a few examples to get you started:

Genius! It starts off and you’re thinking: “Where’s the boat?” and then he tells you IN THE CAPTION. The boat is somewhere else!

So, these cartoon characters are in a torture chamber. That’s no place for a boat. Good thing my caption specifies that the boat is somewhere else. 

It’s got mystery! Intrigue! Why is the boat sinking? Where is the boat? Cool.

It even works for this classic cartoon, in which one dog explains to another dog that his boat is sinking. Also, one of the dogs is using a computer.

It’s not easy to do this, which makes it all the more impressive that I did it.

Wow.

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

I'm making an app! Help me develop it by answering a few questions about your preferences.

Would love your input on the app I’m making!

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Uh...

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

Is this one of those bots I’ve been hearing about haha

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

We Put a Blindfold and Earmuffs on a Reporter Who Had Never Seen Any Star Wars Movies and Had Him Review “The Force Awakens”

Above: an image our reporter did not see. He probably would’ve had something to say about how incredibly similar it is to Nazi imagery, but, again, he did not see it.

I can’t see anything. I can’t hear anything. I have been told they are taking me to see the newest installment of the Star Wars franchise in theaters, but there is no way for me to know.

I’m the one they’re sending to see “The Force Awakens” because I’ve never seen Star Wars, and they want to see what I think of it. I didn’t know about the blindfold and the earmuffs until I got to the car. I don’t know what that part is supposed to prove.

It’s not like I made a point of not seeing Star Wars; I just never got around to it. It’s very dark here.

I smell the popcorn and I feel the arm of a stranger pressing up against my arm. I do not know if the arm belongs to a woman or a man. I don’t know what this movie is about, but I have seen the trailer, and I understand that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, although not the significance of that. They tied the blindfold tightly and told me if I peeked or even tried to get anyone to help me untie the blindfold they would fire me. My managing editor was explaining the whole gimmick of the review but the earmuffs clamped down around my ears before she could finish.  

Our reporter might’ve been amazed or perplexed by these spacecraft and the sounds they make, not being familiar with the Star Wars universe, but he neither saw nor heard them.

I’ve never been awake and not been able to see for this long before - or at least I think it’s been a long time. Time passes strangely, or perhaps not at all. They paid my theatre ticket and I thought, “hey, why not go see a big movie for free - in imax no less!” I can do a little silly write up.

I find myself looking inward in the absence of any way to look outward. The movie of a generation plays before me, incredibly powerful speakers shake the carpeted floor, and I am here, alone but for my own mind - the only dialogue my own thoughts and doubts bouncing around my skull. The only character development the way I change through this experience. Maybe I will try to sleep.

Could the movie still be going? I should’ve checked how long it was before agreeing to this assignment. Sometimes these spectacle films run on forever. The pressure on my arm is gone, so the person beside me has left. They’d tell me, right?

I’ve made up my own story for the Star Wars movie. It involves a mystical race of warriors called “Jedi” who take it upon themselves to rescue an abandoned reporter from a movie theater. They are all beautiful women, and they cure the reporter of his blindness so he can look upon them. They carry him out of the theatre and agree to tell no one if he should feel the need to cry. They fix his ears and sing him beautiful songs. They are kind and strong. He helps them find the weaknesses in the evil publication that did this to him. They accept him.

I did not like this movie.

4/10

[kentsmithnyt-blog]

[kentsmithnyt-blog]