It's "Kerne" With An "E"

Post grad who is immensely scatter-brained and trying her best to be creative. 

[kernewithane]

Emptiness

In 5 months, I’ve spent most of my time deciding who to message. 

My “go-to” is gone.

Texts are stored in my head, almost to capacity. 

Sentences I wouldn’t say to anyone else but you. 

 “What do you think of this outfit?" 

“What should I say to my boss about a day off?" 

“Can you help me with my train ticket home?" 

“Am I doing okay?" 

I can ask these questions to thousands of people, but the opinion I want most is yours.   

I haven’t given away your clothes because I’m still convinced you’ll be home soon. 

I leave the dishes unkept in hopes that you’ll shout at me to put them away. 

My room isn’t as tidy as it would be when you were across the hall. 

It feels as if I’m a different person now, trying to make up for what was left behind. 

You didn’t want this to happen. 

I didn’t want this to happen. 

That wasn’t the plan. 

  There’s too many pieces of myself that I’m missing now that you’re gone. 

You verified my thoughts. 

You made me feel worthwhile. 

You convinced me of things no one else could. 

I have to do all of that for myself, and I’m scared I’ll mess up. 

I don’t want a reaction. 

I just want your ear listening to me again. 

I want your voice to tell me everything will be okay. 

I’m stuck in a memoir I wanted no part of. 

   If you could see me now, I hope you’d be proud I need to hear it from you 

Everyone immediately jumps on me when I say that 

“Of course she’s proud!" 

“Of course she knows!" 

Do you know?

Are you proud? 

Can you let me know soon so I can put this thought to rest? 

My phone is in my hand. 

A new message template up. 

Words written out. 

No number to send it to. 

  “All ok?" “Hope a good day there" “I love you" 

More than you can even imagine, Mom.

[kernewithane]

I’m still waiting for you to return my texts and calls. 

I don’t think that will ever end. 

[kernewithane]

Hey Mom, 

It’s been a while.   

First off, I want to start off by saying how much I miss you. I’ve thought a lot about what the first thing I’d say would be if I saw you again, and I know those would be the only words I’d be able to get out. How has it been over three months since you died? I don’t even like using that word, but it’s a fact I can’t change. You’re gone. You’re not here anymore. I miss you so much, it feels unbearable sometimes. Missing you hasn’t stopped. I don’t think there will ever be an occasion that wouldn’t make me miss you. It feels like a lot has happened already, and I hate that you’re not hear to see it. Yes, perhaps you can see it in a spiritual sense but that’s not enough. I want you here to physically see it. I know that’s not possible, but it’s what I want most. I never thought I could miss a person so much, but I do and it’s hard. Fortunately, our family and friends get it and are doing what they can to help. I just wish you were here to help too. 

Second, I can’t tell you how much I need you lately. Who am I supposed to talk clothes-shopping with? Who do I consult for medical advice? Who will text me now to remind me of a cousin’s birthday or a graduation on Facebook? I used to get annoyed with some of your text messages, but now I miss every single one. I would give anything to see a message about the TODAY show puppy or a 40% discount at Old Navy. You knew me better than anyone. I realize that now. I don’t just need you for the silly things, I need you for the emotional stuff. You helped me get through generalized anxiety and major depression. I use your advice constantly to get through a tough day. You were not perfect, Mom. You didn’t always say the right things, but your constant support made life easier on me. I’m thankful for the words you left me with; “tears are a release”, “take everything in chunks of time”, “put a smile on your face and try”. Your voice is still in my head, and I hope it never leaves.   

Lastly, and most importantly, I want you to know how much I love you. I love you so much, Mom. I ended every phone call with you on those words because it was always important for me to say. I wanted to make sure you always knew that I loved you, especially during my darkest times. I will never forget calling you during a particularly tough time, and your reaction was to tell me you love me and that you would never let me be alone in my sadness. You provided me with unconditional love and support. You worked extra hours to help me out financially. You put in so much effort to help me succeed. My hope is that my future child loves me as much as I love you, and that I provide them with the same love and care that you gave me. They will know how amazing of a mother you were. You’re still the most important person in my life. Mom, I miss you, I need you, and I love you. That’ll never change. Not for a second. 

But that’s okay. I’ll be okay, and that’s thanks to you. Without you as my mom, I’m not sure how I would have handled any of this. Thank you for raising me to be strong and resilient. It’s coming in handy now. 

Love always,

- Em

[kernewithane]

i sincerely wish i just felt numb, not sad. 

i’ve never felt so lonely in my life. 

i miss you so much. 

[kernewithane]

Mom,

I miss you. 

This feels impossible. 

How is that you were here over a month ago and now you’re gone?

I’m so incredibly lost without you.

I’m hurting more than I could ever imagine.

If I could get 5 more minutes with you, all I would be able to get out is “I love you”. 

I love you so much. I need you desperately.

Love, -Em 

[sarahseeandersen]

[kernewithane]

100 Books in 2015

Since 2013, I have been reading 100 books each year. Here is the list for this year’s book challenge: 

"Egghead or, You Can't Survive on Ideas Alone" by Bo Burnham

"Supergirl, Volume 1: Last Daughter of Krypton" by Michael Green, Mike Johnson, and Mahmud Asrar"

"The Strange Library" by Haruki Murakami

"Just Don't Fall: How I Grew Up, Conquered Illness, and Made It Down The Mountain" by Joshua Sundquist

"Batman: The Killing Joke" by Alan Moore and Brian Bolland

"We Should Hang Out Sometime" by Joshua Sundquist

"Matilda" by Roald Dahl

"On The Books: A Graphic Tale of Working Woes At NYC's Strand Bookstore" by Greg Farrell

"Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters In The End" by Atul Gawande

"No One Belongs Here More Than You: Stories" by Miranda July

"Dear White People: A Guide to Inter-Racial Harmony in "Post-Racial" America" by Justin Simien

"Another Bullshit Night in Suck City" by Nick Flynn

"Gasping for Airtime; Two Years in the Trenches of Saturday Night Live" by Jay Mohr

"Confessions of a Sociopath: A Life Spent Hiding In Plain Sight" by M.E. Thomas

"Girl Walks Into A Bar… Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle" by Rachel Dratch

"Silver Screen Fiend; Learning About Life from an Addiction to Film" by Patton Oswalt

"Girl In The Dark" by Anna Lyndsey

"Still Alice" by Lisa Genova

"Live From New York; An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live, As Told By Its Stars, Writers, and Guests" by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller

"Girl In A Band" by Kim Gordon

"I Am Sorry To Think I Have Raised A Timid Son" by Kent Russell

"Selfish, Shallow, and Self Absorbed; Sixteen Writers on the Decision Not To Have Kids", edited by Megan Daum

"I Don't Know What You Know Me From: Confessions of a Co-Star" by Judy Greer

"The Reason I Jump: The Inner Voice of a Thirteen-Year-Old Boy with Autism" by Naoki Higashida

"Acorn" by Yoko Ono

"So You've Been Publicly Shamed" by Jon Ronson

"Nobody is Ever Missing" by Catherine Lacey

"Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood, and the Prison of Belief" by Lawrence Wright

"The Happiness Project: Or, Why I Spent A Year Trying to Sing In The Morning, Clean My Closets, Fight Right, Read Aristotle, and Generally Have More Fun" by Gretchen Rubin

"The Art of Asking; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Let People Help" by Amanda Palmer

"The First Bad Man" by Miranda July

"How to Grow Up" by Michelle Tea

"Fun Home; A Family Tragicomic" by Alison Bechdel

"Prozac Nation; Young and Depressed in America" by Elizabeth Wurtzel

"Urgent, Unheard Stories" by Roxane Gay

"Brain on Fire; My Month of Madness" by Susannah Cahalan

"Spinster; Making a Life of Ones Own" by Katie Bolick

"You Deserve A Drink; Boozy Midaventures and Tales of Debauchery" by Mamrie Hart

"Make Something Up: Stories You Can't Unread" by Chuck Palahniuk

"The First Collection of Criticism by a Living Female Rock Critic" by Jessica Hopper

"Ordinary People" by Judith Butler

"Modern Romance" by Aziz Ansari

"Are You My Mother" by Alison Bechdel

"Banished: Surviving My Years in the Westboro Baptist Church" by Lauren Drain with Lisa Pulitzer

"The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexie

"A Work in Progress" by Connor Franta

"One of Us: The Story of Anders Breivik and the Massacre in Norway" by Asne Seierstad

"Room" by Emma Donoghue

"Me and Earl and the Dying Girl" by Jesse Andrew

"Go Set a Watchman" by Harper Lee

"Self Help" by Miranda Sings

"Hector and The Search For Happiness" by Francois Lelord

"Portrait of an Addict as a Young Man" by Bill Clegg

"Between the World and Me" by Ta-Nehisi Coates

"Fat Girl: A True Story" by Judith Moore

"The Psychopath Test" by Jon Ronson

"The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless Versus the Rest of Us" by Martha Stout

"Them: Adventures With Extremists" by Jon Ronson

"Hunger Makes Me A Modern Girl" by Carrie Brownstein

"Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things" by Jenny Lawson

"Binge" by Tyler Oakley

"M Train" by Patti Smith

"The Martian" by Andy Weir

"The Magic Finger" by Roald Dahl

"The Beautiful Struggle: A Father, Two Sons, and an Unlikely Road to Manhood" by Ta-Nehisi Coates

"The Giraffe and the Pelly and Me" by Roald Dahl

"My Brother, My Sister: Story of a Transformation" by Molly Haskell

"Welcome to Night Vale" by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor

"Oh The Moon (Stories from the Tortured Mind of)" by Charlyne Yi

"Born Standing Up; A Comic's Life" by Steve Martin

"Missoula; Rape and the Justice System in a College Town" by Jon Krakauer

"Why Not Me?" by Mindy Kaling

"If You Feel Too Much: Thoughts on Things Found and Lost and Hoped For" by Jamie Tworkowski

"Pansy" by Andrea Gibson"

"Lost At Sea; The Jon Ronson Mysteries" by Jon Ronson

"Thirteen Reasons Why" by Jay Asher

"Blackout; Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget" by Sarah Hepola

"Sick in The Head; Conversations About Life In Comedy" by Judd Apatow

"Where Men Win Glory; The Odyssey of Pat Tillman" by Jon Krakauer

"The BFG" by Roald Dahl

"On The Run; True Tales of Everyday Craziness" by Jon Ronson

"Big Magic; Creative Living Beyond Fear" by Elizabeth Gilbert

"Holidays on Ice" by David Sedaris

"After Alice" by Gregory Maguire

"Don't Worry, It Gets Worse" by Alida Nugent

"Humans of New York: Stories" by Brandon Stanton

"Danny and the Champion of the World" by Roald Dahl

"Batman: The Dark Knight Returns" by Frank Miller

"Yes, And: How Improvisation Reverses 'No, But' Thinking and Improves Creativity and Collaboration" by Kelly Leonard and Tom Yorton

"Player Piano" by Kurt Vonnegut

"American Widow" by Alissa Torres

"Poorly Drawn Lines; Good Ideas and Amazing Stories" by Reza Farazmand

"The Witches" by Roald Dahl

"Three Cups of Deceit: How Greg Mortenson, Humanitarian Hero, Lost His Way" by Jon Krakauer

"Thing Explainer: Complicated Stuff in Simple Words" by Randall Munroe

"Summer Crossing" by Truman Capote

"Girl Stories" by Lauren R. Weinstein

"The Old Man and The Sea" by Ernest Hemingway

"Going Solo" by Roald Dahl

"An Illustrated Book of Bad Arguments; Learn the Lost Art of Making Sense" by Ali Almossawi

[dreamybrowngirl-deactivated2015]

Okay we can all have a good laugh and cheer at what went down tonight but in all seriousness what she was doing was calling out a white person on her horribly patronizing, racist behavior. A white person tried to silence and belittle a Black woman’s pain because she didn’t like how it was presented and proceeded to dismiss it because she was too angry. Miley condescended to her, telling a black woman how best to deal with something that she as a white person will never have to deal with. And Nicki clapped back. On national television. In front of a live audience, in front of the world, on air.

If you think the media and its industries aren’t going to punish her for it then I need you to pay real close attention to her the next coming months, because you can bet she won’t have as many appearances or invitations, you can bet she will get even less recognition and even more criticism, you can bet most mentions of her will associate her with the Angry Black Woman stereotype without ever addressing why she was angry or recognizing that her anger was justified. They are going to make Nicki out to be the ultimate bad guy when the reality is she was defending herself-and by proxy, Black women in entertainer everywhere-against some serious displays of ignorance and racism. But you watch. Watch what’s going to happen to Nicki after this.

The clap back was hilarious, yes, but there is a reason Black people are celebrating it; because Nicki showed some serious courage. Black people, Black women especially, are expected to shoulder any and all abuse silently. She refused. At the end of the day, to these people, she is just a Black woman who is supposed to shut up and take whatever bullshit gets thrown at her. She isn’t supposed to defend herself, especially not if it means hurting white people’s feelings. Protect Nicki Minaj at all fucking costs. Support her at all costs, because she’s going to come under serious fire.

EDITED: Miley doesn’t identify as a woman, my apologies for misgendering. Thank you for the correction!

[brittany-murphy]

[getyourspoons]

[getyourspoons]

Tommy doing an excellent job explaining away such a head scratching line.

[killingyves]

tv meme: [1/10] friendships ➝ abbi abrams and ilana wexler

[kernewithane]

I’m sorry I forgot about you, Tumblr.

It’s not you, it’s me. 

[kernewithane]

#DontStealPossible I'm demanding great schools for all kids. Join me: http://thndr.it/1979dPp

[snacksandharts-blog]

"The Grace Helbig Show" Premieres April 3rd on E!

[wherethewildnoizeare]

EPIC

[thesimpsonswayoflife]