cigarettes and alcohol {byler}
"i'm sorry," mike breathed, "i'm sorry for the way i treated you in lenora, i'm sorry for the way i didn't contact you when you left for new york. i'm sorry i didn't listen, i'm sorry i didn't tell you then, i-"
"-woah, mike. slow down, what didn't you tell me?"
"i didn't tell you then because there was so much going on, and i was scared - so fucking scared - and i..." mike's eyes filled with tears and will's followed suite - whatever this was, it was big.
he'd wait for mike to do the talking.
indiana, circa '92. mike lives in indiana, and will just happens to be passing through on his way to visit dustin, and mike has some talking to do.
warnings; swearing, cigarettes, alcohol, internalised homophobia, sexual connotations. not proof read (sry)
a/n: this is my first byler fic and it flips between mike & wills POV. i wasn't ever intending on writing it because i am a lesbian who writes for lesbians, but i was furious with the ending so i wrote this. i hope you enjoy it!!
mike pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and a wash of anxiety fell over him.
mike felt sick to his stomach - sick with guilt, frustration, regret, he wasn't quite sure - but he had to push the bile back down his throat, especially if he wanted to pluck the courage up to speak to will.
he had many regrets, but losing contact with will when he moved to new york was the biggest one. he'd never forgiven himself for that. for not talking to him, asking him questions, for not having his best friend.
will looked happy. well rested. it was all he could've asked for, really, after what life had thrown at him. it fuelled mike with a comfort, one that he hadn't really felt before, seeing will look so content.
he just hoped going over there wouldn't fuck it all up.
he wasn't sure how to approach him - the boy he'd once called his best friend. but mike had done a lot of thinking, about the past, about the future, about will. he missed him, his presence, the way he felt truly... himself around him. he took a deep breath, swallowed the rest of his whiskey down in one and then decided it was time to face the music.
not the strongest of starts.
will was minding his business, mindlessly flirting with the guy behind the bar. he liked it, this kind of flirting was once rare in hawkins, but he'd gotten the gist of it in new york - as well as the gist of... other things. he had been fuelled with a newfound confidence coming back to the place he'd once called home. he wasn't scared of this place, as he once was, and he wasn't afraid to be himself either.
will tensed, just for a moment. so much so, the hairs on the back of his neck stood up - oh, the irony - and he had to stifle a sense of fight or flight, shove it down deep so it didn't threaten to topple over the surface.
he'd recognise that voice anywhere.
hesitantly, he turned on his stool. despite knowing who it was that was standing behind him like a lingering nightmare, he was still taken by surprise. he was taller now - taller than he was when he last saw him, and he was wearing glasses now, stupid round glasses that sat on the bridge of his nose a little wonky. he must've noticed and he pushed them back up the curve of his nose right on cue, shifting the weight in his feet from front to back, hands shoved into his suit trousers.
despite the music, the room felt quiet, like a pin would drop and it would be heard for miles. mike was amazed at how much will had aged. his hair had grown out and he'd gotten into shape, the suit jacket almost a little too fitted across his shoulders. will had developed into the perfect image of the man he was always supposed to be, no longer the awkward, nerdy kid he used to be; and he imagined how proud joyce and jim probably were of him.
"i-is this seat, uh, taken?"
there was a beat of silence, and mike worried for a moment that will was here, in this bar, with a date.
it would be just his luck.
will gestured to the seat, with an open arm, "no, uh, no. no date."
mike claimed the seat a little too quickly, his long limbs working faster than his brain as he practically jumped into it. he felt the awkwardness, reminiscent of when they were teenagers, back in lenora. just thinking of that one stung pretty damn bad.
mike wondered what will was doing in a downtown bar all alone, but will wondered the exact same thing about mike.
this wasn't a gay bar, but it wasn't exactly the kind of place where straight men went, either.
it was a dive bar, with uneven, sticky flooring and dimly lit tables where people would get up to all sorts of things. cocaine lined the urinals and you could smell the weed a mile away. will was pretty sure he saw a guy getting a blowjob down by the entrance when he got here, too.
"so, uh, how've you been?"
mike was talking low, but somehow will could hear every single word. he wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing, though.
"good," will responded, swirling the remnants of his drink, the ice sloshing around in the bottom of the glass made mike's ears ring. "new york's fun, i can't complain really."
there was a beat. mike wondered if that's where the conversation would end, and he wondered if this was all a big mistake. will felt it too.
"how's, uh, how are you?" will asked, and mike wondered whether it was genuine, or whether it was being spoken through gritted teeth.
"good, uh, really good," mike smiled warmly, and will hated the fact that his lips curled up into a smile. after all this time, he thought. "i've just moved into a new apartment in indiana, relatively close to dustin and uh, yeah," he paused again, "how's new york, my mom told me you're working in a gallery now?"
will smiled at that, and mike smiled alongside him. will deserved it.
"i'm not painting or anything yet," he paused, "i mean... my paintings aren't in there yet. haven't quite made it that far."
there was a beat, and mike waved down the barman - the same barman that will was flirting with mere minutes ago. he ordered himself another whiskey, took one look at will's glass and ordered him one, too. it seemed they had the same taste even in alcoholic beverages.
"i can't say the same about you, though, can i?"
will turned to mike, a small smile on his lips and mike frowned, the familar pouty lip and creased eyebrow that hadn't changed since they were kids.
"mister barnes and noble," will teased, and mike couldn't help but laugh softly, "i saw a big flyer for your new book in the window on my drive down."
the barman placed their drinks on sticky coasters and mike handed him cash without hesitation, without even looking away from will. it shouldn't have taken as much of a toll on him as it did. he slid the glass over to will and they took their first gulp in silence, unsure of where the conversation was going next.
"do you ever think about it?" mike asked.
there was a lot that question could have insinuated. will wasn't sure whether he was willing to unpack it, and maybe he wouldn't have if it weren't for the year of intensive therapy. or maybe he wouldn't have if the question wasn't being posed by mike fucking wheeler.
deep down, he'd never stopped loving him.
that was the worst part in all of this.
"you're gonna have to be more specific, mike," will spoke with such demeanor it took mike back a little, unexpectedly. "because i think about all of it. constantly."
a pang of guilt hit mike's chest, like it was his fault. in retrospect, some of it probably was his fault, although unlike will he hadn't gone through a year of extensive therapy, instead he'd chosen to write things down and make money out of their trauma.
it wasn't necessarily the best option, but he was a storyteller after all.
"do you ever think about, i don't know," mike's face became flustered, "me? el? vecna..." and then, ever so quietly, "...us?"
will would've missed that last bit had he have not grown up studying mike's facial features, the movement of his mouth, the softness of his lips and the way in which he spoke. he wasn't sure whether he felt pity, anger or a mix of both.
"us? what the hell is that supposed to mean, mike?" will's voice was low now, as if he didn't want anyone to overhear this specific part of the conversation. mike felt as if he'd taken another blow to the chest.
"there was never any us, mike," will finished the rest of his drink and began to slip out of his chair, "thanks for the drink."
will didn't dare look back as he left the bar, regret already washing over him like summer rain at the way in which he'd spoken to the man he once loved.
the man in which he still did.
mike smashed a fist against his typewriter and pushed away from his desk. he couldn't think, couldn't type. frustration had taken over his body, exhaustion taken over his limbs and he needed to take a break.
ever since seeing will in that goddamn dive bar three days ago, he'd been feeling foggy. he'd fucked it all up once again. frustration continued to lament his body, and he could've succumbed to the sensation of sleep but instead, he decided he needed air. walking into the kitchen, he'd jammed open the drawer next to the fridge and picked out a packet of cigarettes. he hated it. it was disgusting, and holly would tell him every time she saw one in his hand - 'imagine how mom and nancy would feel if they saw you smoking one of those' - but right now he felt like he fucking deserved one.
he slipped on his shoes and pulled on a coat. he didn't know where he was going, but he needed a fucking smoke.
will wasn't sure what possessed him to go into the city.
indiana wasn't all that exciting, and he didn't really know it as well as new york, which was strange considering it was his home state. it was still warm in early september and he wasn't sure what possessed him to wear a coat, but he was regretting it deeply. he found himself aimlessly entering shops on main street just so he could relish in the air con, and if the coat wasn't a gift from hopper on his 21st birthday, he would've ditched it hours ago.
a smell of stale cigarettes hung in the air and it reminded him of joyce. he thought about dropping by and seeing steve, considering he didn't live that far out of the city, but he didn't have a number for him and didn't want to show up unannounced; although he tempted fate at going to find dustin - he'd be in a library of some sort, he just wasn't sure which.
it was then that he spotted him.
across the road, idling on a park bench, nursing what looked to be a cigarette.
he knew deep down he shouldn't, way deep down in his body that it was not a good idea to go over and join him - although he wasn't sure if it was because of the cigarette or because of the last time they spoke. will's last words hung on his tongue like a bad taste and he regretted every ounce of what he said. he spent that night awake in the bed of a man who's name he couldn't remember, replaying mike's words over again in his head.
he wasn't exactly sure what it meant - he'd been wrong about this exact thing before and his mind was unreliable, but seeing him sitting on a park bench felt like fate and he had to go and find out exactly what mike wheeler had meant when he said those words.
"what would your mom say if she saw you smoking those?"
will figured he should start lighthearted, if to just diffuse the tension.
mike's eyes lit up when he saw will standing there, as if he'd just seen heaven. he smiled softly at will, and to his happiness, will smiled back.
"holly says the exact same thing," mike muttered, flicking the ash away, "yet i still do it anyway."
will shoved his hands into his coat pocket, even though they were already soaked in sweat. "mind if i sit?"
mike scooched up on the bench, "be my guest."
the silence was awkward once more, although it wasn't surprising. will wasn't sure what to say, whether to just dive straight in or whether they should have this conversation somewhere a little more private. either way, will was going to try and figure out exactly what it was that mike meant.
"i'm sorry-" in a cruel twist of fate, it seemed they'd both been doomed to say it at the exact same time.
"-no, i'm sor -" and once more.
"jesus, mike, will you listen to me?" will's voice was stern, and it took mike by surprise, but he kept quiet nonetheless, "i'm sorry. for what i said in the bar the other day, i didn't mean to just leave you there without giving you the chance to explain yourself. i'm uh, i'm sorry, mike."
mike smiled at him softly and nodded, as if by way of accepting his apology, and for a moment will wondered if he should've let mike apologise first.
"i'm sorry too," mike muttered, and he took a long drag of his cigarette before throwing the rest of it across the pavement. "for, uh... actually, i think we should probably talk about this in private," he paused, "my place isn't that far from here, if you want to, uh, talk... in private."
will stood up, unsure whether he was going to regret this decision. he walked a pace behind mike in silence, which was odd because they never used to walk in silence - in fact, he wasn't sure that he'd ever seen mike silent for this long.
mike slipped off his shoes and slung his coat on the rack when they walked into his apartment, and immediately he fired up an air-con machine, one that will remembered used to be in the wheeler's basement. it still had D&D stickers clinging on for dear life to the back of the monitor, and for a moment, everything felt normal. warm. he felt safe.
"do you want a drink or anything? i've got, uh, water, classic coke, or some juice."
"juice would be good, thanks."
will followed mike up the stairs to his kitchen door, and soon found himself sitting on his sofa, juice in hand. the condensation running down his fingers was a nice, soothing sensation. it calmed him, almost.
"do you, uh, do you want to carry on?" he asked mike once he was sitting down on the leg rest opposite him.
mike shifted, as if all of a sudden he wasn't sure how to get comfortable. fuck, he thought. here goes nothing.
"i don't, uh, i mean... i can't quite figure out the right words, and i don't really know where to start," he said, pulling at his fingers as if he was stressed. "i, uh, i've done a lot of thinking, recently, and i, uh..." mike's voice trailed off and will noticed he was sitting on the edge of his seat. he slipped back down until his back was pressed against the cool leather of the sofa.
"i'm sorry," mike breathed, "i'm sorry for the way i treated you in lenora, i'm sorry for the way i didn't contact you when you left for new york. i'm sorry i didn't listen, i'm sorry i didn't tell you then, i-"
"-woah, mike. slow down," will breathed, and he placed his drink down on the floor beside the sofa, "what didn't you tell me?"
he casted his mind back to '89 and skimmed over the years before that. there was the odd occasion mike didn't listen but he always did in the end, and they were always able to talk to one another, usually about anything. mike had moved now, sitting beside will on the sofa with his elbows digging into his knees.
"i didn't tell you then because there was so much going on, and i was scared - so fucking scared - and i..." mike's eyes filled with tears and will's followed suite - whatever this was, it was big. will thought he had an idea, but as he knew, he was unreliable and he'd gotten it wrong before.
he'd wait for mike to do the talking.
"...i was so fucking scared and it all felt so daunting and i'd just lost el and i didn't want to lose you too, will, i was terrified of it," he paused, "but me staying silent pushed you away. it's the biggest regret i have and ever will have," he took a breath, "do you remember, in lenora, w-when el and i had that big fight?"
will nodded, seemingly invested in mike's side-story. he was talking about his sister so fondly, will couldn't help but listen with intent.
"yeah? well, she thought i didn't love her anymore because i never said it and i-"
"-well that's ridiculous mike, of course you loved el. you love her and you always will."
"-it's because i loved you."
there was a beat of silence.
the air in the room was thick, stifling and it somehow felt much more like mid-july than early september. will felt like the room was spinning and mike felt as though he was going to throw up. mike was rocking back and forth on the chair and he looked as if he was going through a fucking withdrawal.
say something, will thought. say anything.
"y-you, uh, you loved me?"
a little pathetic sounding on will's behalf, but it would do.
mike nodded slowly, as if he was still contemplating the feelings. "yeah, i did," he breathed, "i do."
the breath caught in will's throat and now he was the one who felt like he was going to throw up. he wasn't entirely sure what to do with this information, and he felt his head spinning at lightening speed.
"you had all that time to say it mike, and you never did," he looked him in the eyes now, properly, for the first time since their reintroduction. "why?"
"i was terrified. terrified that you didn't love me and it was all for nothing, terrified of what everyone would think, terrified of upsetting el," he huffed, his body caving in and collapsing onto the sofa. he sank into the leather, pulled off his glasses and pinched the bridge of his nose, "look, i know it's a lot to take in, and i'm sorry it's coming so late. i haven't figured out all the details, not yet. b-because i still like girls - i mean, i think i do, but i love you, will. i know i do."
the silence was deafening. will felt like he was paralysed, like any moment the goosebumps would reappear on the back of his neck.
"will, say something," mike uttered, grabbing ahold of his hand, "say something, please."
tears brimmed in will's eyes, overcome with emotion he never thought he'd feel. "i loved you too, mike," he paused for a moment and let some tears fall, "i still do, i mean, i think i still do. i don't know."
mike saw right through the lie, he saw right through every single one of will's lies. he was the only person will couldn't lie to, aside from joyce, but even then, he struggled to do that.
mike inched closer and squeezed will's fingers, and all of a sudden he was closing the gap between their bodies and it felt as if it was all too much - until it wasn't. will's brain went quiet. the quietest it had been since he'd been back in indiana.
his hand pressed against mike's cheek and his lips felt softer than will had dreamt they'd be. will's cheeks were wet, but not from his own tears, and he pulled away for a second to look at mike - really look at him - and he wiped the tears away with his thumb. mike needed this, more than anything, he'd been yearning for it in silence for so long, and nobody could fill the will shaped void in his life.
"i lied," will mumbled, pulling away again, but keeping their foreheads together, "the one thing i know, the one thing i'm absolutely sure of, is that i fucking love you, mike wheeler. and i always have."
mike giggled, and will felt as if he was transported right back to his teenage years. he pulled his forehead away from mikes, although kept his sweaty hand locked in his. it felt comfortable, and in this godforsaken world where he feared they'd never be accepted - it felt right.
"so where do we go from here?" mike's voice was low, soft, as if he was scared about what was to come next.
"i'm not sure," will replied matter of factly, "but there's one thing i do know, a thing i got taught by a very good friend of mine."
mike smiled, "oh yeah? what's that?"
"if we go crazy, at least we'll go crazy together."
"yeah," mike agreed, kissing will's knuckles. will felt a surge of butterflies. "crazy together."
