KGraffie

My name is Kaitlin. Level 31. Welcome to my chaos. 😉 Check out my Blog: https://kaitlingraff.wixsite.com/maniclightbulb/blog or Check out my Instagram: kgraffie

[kgraffie]

A lot has changed and changed me it has.

I wish I could go back and tell you everything works out. I wish I could tell you to keep fighting even in the darkest days...but guess what I didn't have to...because I did fight. I worked hard...no not just hard...I worked my ass off for who I am. I am proud of me for once in my entire life.

Keep fighting all! One day you will see it's all worth the fight, but never stop fighting. Hard work DOES pay off!

[kgraffie]

Frozen.

I really am struggling...I think the biggest thing is I have a void right now in me.

I've never been good at making friends, but lately I've been craving the need for one. I have my best friends...but I don't know. I don't have a girl best friend anymore to just talk with...about anything and everything. Sometimes I just crave that honestly.

It's not the same with my other friends...I can't talk to them the same way I need to I feel. It's really been a struggle of mine for sure. I wish I was better at making friends and keep friends.

I just never have been. Never been one to pick good friends, if I'm totally honest. Most of the time it ends up being that we don't have anything in common and then we drift apart most times.

I don't know I just miss having that connection to someone that is MY friend. Not a combination of both Lucas and I's friends...it's selfish I know, but I just sometimes need someone to just talk to without it feeling weird or something. I don't know...

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

I've not ever been much for Valentine's Day, but this year feels a bit different. Especially when it's the right person by your side. I can't believe it's already and only going to be a year together next month. It's crazy how that goes. I never got the concept of a soulmate until now. God I love this man. Thank you for all you do and have done for me. I was drowning when I met you, but you brought me up for that breath I needed in life. I finally am breathing and living for once and it's amazing how one person can change your whole life around. I love you Lucas! To the edge of the universe and back babe!

[kgraffie]

Getting back to Baseline.

It's been a hard...few weeks?...month? Something around that. My mental health has plummeted. It's mostly my fault though. I didn't have one of my anxiety, depression, whatever mental health medication it was prescribed for. It took awhile to get refilled...now if you have had any mental health issues such as those or on top of that Bipolar disorder then you know things can go sideways easily.

My mind decided that I no longer needed the medication since I felt good and had been off of it for around a week at that time. Now I haven't had this situation in a long time where my brain decided 'hey you don't need this'. When I was younger my brain did it a lot where I wouldn't take ANY of my medications for a period of time, because it thought it was good. I was always that person that was like I'll never be the person that won't take their meds. Well let me tell you...doesn't matter if you want to be that person or not. When you have all those mental disorders it doesn't matter. Your brain tricks you a lot. Especially when you are manic or something along those lines.

So anyways my brain decided this. I genuinely thought I felt fine without it. I'm like 'okay well I have my other mental health medication(s) I'll be good'. Yeah...I was wrong...COMPLETELY wrong. I hit a week and a half and (I feel) went totally mental. I started having episodes again. Not little ones either. I was having HUGE meltdowns...the biggest one lasted about an hour or so. My poor sweet, amazing boyfriend...I feel so bad for him especially because he had to deal with it all...

I was crying a lot that week but Friday hit and that night some little thing happened and I went into such a meltdown. It was over NOTHING...it was just the breaking point. Lucas was amazing though. He stayed right there and let me know he was there. Of course my mind didn't think that, but deep down I knew he meant it. That was the hour or so one.

I don't even know how I could cry that long. I've had these in the past, but I was always alone...I didn't want to bother others. Doing it alone makes you feel even more alone honestly. Sorry blabbering on and on, but I feel I need to. So anyways.

I tried to get through the weekend to see if things got better...they didn't. Work rolled around Monday and I had so much anxiety...I tried my hardest not to cry or get sick at work. Tuesday I went back on my medication I went off of. Now you must be thinking why wouldn't you do that earlier, and to be totally honest I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I thought I could do it on my own...that it would just get better and be okay.

Now I'm trying to get back to baseline. I can tell just by the two days of taking it that it really does help me. It really is amazing what medications can do for you. I know some people are against taking any medications. I can understand that, but for me if you need them you need them. I have to severe of mental health issues to not take medications, and that's okay. I was ashamed for a awhile taking them, but I really am okay with it now. Does it suck to take so many medications in general? Yes, yes it does, but if it helps that's what counts in my opinion.

Anywho. I'm doing better, but it takes a bit to get there. I'll get back to baseline soon (hopefully).

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 14

Late again posting on here, and last night almost missed doing a picture. BUT we did. We're keeping up with it. :)

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 13

Lucas was so sweet and got me flowers and some treats. It was a rough day and it really helped. Well he usually helps either way, but that was just above and beyond.

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 12

We went out on just a little outing today to Boise. Didn't do a lot. Went to Target and looked around slowly there, and then grabbed lunch after that. Then we came home and hung out. It was a nice day for sure. I couldn't decide what picture to put so I ended up posting a few.

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Days 8-11

Kinda of fell off for a bit on here. Still going with photos though! Posting today's (Day 12) also.

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 7.

Was an exhausting day, but here we are.

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 6.

First day back to work for us. My parents took us out to eat at Red Robin for dinner. It wasn't easy going back to work today, that's for sure, but we made it through thankfully. Now to make it through the week (haha).

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Let’s do this 😜 #photoaday #photoadaybook #photography #photographer #paperchasephotoalbum

[kgraffie]

It's funny I got this in 2016 and maybe used a page or two. Now it's for our Photo a Day Challenge we are doing this year. (haha)

[kaitlingraffphotography]

This photo was taken back in 2013 when I had been in Art School in Portland, OR. I don't know what it is about it..but I've always liked it. Just one of my friends smoking a cigarette. Nothing very special about it. Maybe I like the lighting. Maybe it's the positioning of it. Either way it's just one of those photos that I really like. I'm sure every photographer has a few. I do not condone smoking tobacco really, but to each their own is how I see it. I don't really judge, but it's just not for me.

[kgraffie]

Day 5.

Last day of Christmas break for us. Took a small adventure to Boise, ID (we live about 30 to 45 minutes away) to just look around at a different Target and a game store (Phoenix Fire Games in Meridian, ID about 20 to 30 minutes away from where we live; went on the way home). We have been collecting Pokémon Cards again recently, but obviously with the holidays it's been hard to find anything. Just something fun for us to do though. So somewhat productive today even though we didn't get out of bed really until around 10am (haha).

Enough Said.

[kgraffie]

Day 4.

Not much going on. End of break is QUICKLY approaching! haha.

[kgraffie]

I changed the URL name by one word (haha), but here is my Wix blog.

[kgraffie]

How am I Supposed to Look.

LONG POST.

Mental illness is so hard to understand most times. When I first got diagnosed Bipolar I got the phrase from many people- "You don't look Bipolar". Ummm okay how am I supposed to look? Am I suppose to look like that character in that movie that was off the walls and deranged looking? Like come on...do a little research or ask me questions before assuming things. 

I've suffered very big ups and downs over the years after my Bipolar diagnose. I was originally diagnosed as Biploar II. Which is more of the depressive side of it (or how I feel it is). As years went/go on I have had increased manic episodes. So quite a few years ago now I was offically diagnosed as Bipolar, Mixed. Biploar, Mixed is a lot newer and just recently within the last few years was added to the diagnose codes in the hospital system(s). Not sure if all of them have it, but the one I go to finally had it added. I actually came across Bipolar, Mixed while doing some research on Bipolar in general. Mixed fits better with the traits I've had and am having with my Bipolar. 

As I said previously on this blog...I have other mental diagnoses other than Bipolar. 

Bipolar, Mixed

Anxiety Disorder

Depression Disorder

Trauma and Stressor Disorder

ADHD

PTSD (so they claim)

OCD tendencies 

Those are the ones I've been diagnosed with at least. When you see it in a list like this (or at least when I see it in a list like this) it feels/looks like A LOT of stuff going on. Which it is a lot, but my mind says 'hey, it's not as bad as others', and as true as that could be...that doesn't matter. Everyone has their shit they deal with. Some deal some don't. Some get help others don't. We are all different. We all have our burdens or things to deal with. 

For me though I for a long time didn't deal with it. I didn't acknowledge any of it even. We were that family that didn't express things...let alone acknowledge something was wrong. Stuff it deep down. Which I guess worked for awhile (not in a good way though). By the time I hit the age of 13 or 14 (middle school) I was pretty well off as a anxious and depressive mess. Yes there were changes going on of course. I was a tween when it started and a teenager when it REALLY started. I remember my first BIG BIG anxiety attack. It was the first day of High School for me. First time since moving to Idaho that I had to take the bus to school. I was so nervous to the point I was pretty much sick. I couldn't breath, my heart was pounding so fast. I was so nervous I'd be late, or the bus would be late, or something. My mom though brushed it off as just it being the first day. It continued on worse and worse after the start of High School. Once I got a car it somewhat subsided, but I still had anxiety badly. Depression was in waves also. I had a lot of different daily things that I HAD to do. I had to have a routine or my whole day was off. I'm sure my mom noticed, but we really didn't talk about it or address it. 

As the years went on it all increased more and more. Once I graduated from High School I moved to Portland, OR for college...it didn't last long. If I'm honest it didn't do any good for me. I got into a group of friends that were okay, but not good for me. I went into a relationship fast with a guy and it was VERY toxic. I NEVER slept. I was 19 so at least at that time I could still function without much sleep. Still wasn't good for me, but still. I lasted about 6 months...when winter break came and I went home for it...that's when it all hit me. My then boyfriend and I broke up, and that was really the thing that broke it all.

I just remember sitting at my mom's kitchen table going over my brother's High School Senior pictures and when we were done I closed my laptop just shaking like no other. I didn't think it all the way through it was just a sudden thing I said. "Mom I think I have to move home." I remember the look on her face...and a squeak of okay, and then her going to her room and crying. It was never talked about why I need/wanted to come home. I never will probably know why she went and cried. It's all weird. Few days later my brother and I drove to Portland, did my exit stuff for the school, packed all my shit into the car, said goodbye to sa few people, and drove home in a day. It was a very long and emotional day for sure. 

Very long and emotional time in general. Years went on and when I turned 23 years old the next day I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. At 23 fucking years old...like okay good it finally happened, but wow. Then again I ignored a lot of things that would have probably helped with a sooner diagnosis...for more than just the Bipolar. 

It's amazing what we feel is needed to keep us "normal"...whatever that is. I really feel growing up I saw that if you don't acknowledge it then it's not a problem kind of thing. I've learned later in life now that, that in fact is not correct (haha). It's okay to get or need help. Taking medication is not a bad thing. Going to therapy can be a good benefit. It's okay to be open (to an extent I suppose). It's okay to express yourself. Repressing things does NOT help anything. I was miserable for so long. I'm at least content and happier than I ever have been now. 

If anyone reads this and needs help or to talk...I'm here, but also it's okay to seek help from others. Take the steps you need in order to help yourself. The first step is always avocating for yourself. If you need someone there to hold your hand, talk to randomly, or anything I'll do it. I get it and it's not an easy thing to do. It's nice to have someone understand or at least be there to help and try and understand.

If you are suicidal or thinking of something along those lines...reach out to someone. Or even call a hotline. 988 is the Suicide and Crisis hotline. If you have even a slight thought about needing to have to call the hotline or someone you trust DO IT. It can help so much. You are NOT alone in this life! Reach out. Do what you need to, to get help and feel better. 

Enough Said. 

[kgraffie]

Day 3.

Christmas break is almost over, but still relaxing. Woke up a little late this morning, but that's okay. Might still be a movie marathon day and games. Finished the LOTR extended editions the other day and we started the Hobbit marathon last night, also extended editions or at least we'll watch the last two as extended since the first one doesn't have one on MAX. Been a good break for sure. Sometimes don't know what to do with all the time we've had. Work is around the corner though now.

Enough Said.