How am I Supposed to Look.
Mental illness is so hard to understand most times. When I first got diagnosed Bipolar I got the phrase from many people- "You don't look Bipolar". Ummm okay how am I supposed to look? Am I suppose to look like that character in that movie that was off the walls and deranged looking? Like come on...do a little research or ask me questions before assuming things.Â
I've suffered very big ups and downs over the years after my Bipolar diagnose. I was originally diagnosed as Biploar II. Which is more of the depressive side of it (or how I feel it is). As years went/go on I have had increased manic episodes. So quite a few years ago now I was offically diagnosed as Bipolar, Mixed. Biploar, Mixed is a lot newer and just recently within the last few years was added to the diagnose codes in the hospital system(s). Not sure if all of them have it, but the one I go to finally had it added. I actually came across Bipolar, Mixed while doing some research on Bipolar in general. Mixed fits better with the traits I've had and am having with my Bipolar.Â
As I said previously on this blog...I have other mental diagnoses other than Bipolar.Â
Trauma and Stressor Disorder
Those are the ones I've been diagnosed with at least. When you see it in a list like this (or at least when I see it in a list like this) it feels/looks like A LOT of stuff going on. Which it is a lot, but my mind says 'hey, it's not as bad as others', and as true as that could be...that doesn't matter. Everyone has their shit they deal with. Some deal some don't. Some get help others don't. We are all different. We all have our burdens or things to deal with.Â
For me though I for a long time didn't deal with it. I didn't acknowledge any of it even. We were that family that didn't express things...let alone acknowledge something was wrong. Stuff it deep down. Which I guess worked for awhile (not in a good way though). By the time I hit the age of 13 or 14 (middle school) I was pretty well off as a anxious and depressive mess. Yes there were changes going on of course. I was a tween when it started and a teenager when it REALLY started. I remember my first BIG BIG anxiety attack. It was the first day of High School for me. First time since moving to Idaho that I had to take the bus to school. I was so nervous to the point I was pretty much sick. I couldn't breath, my heart was pounding so fast. I was so nervous I'd be late, or the bus would be late, or something. My mom though brushed it off as just it being the first day. It continued on worse and worse after the start of High School. Once I got a car it somewhat subsided, but I still had anxiety badly. Depression was in waves also. I had a lot of different daily things that I HAD to do. I had to have a routine or my whole day was off. I'm sure my mom noticed, but we really didn't talk about it or address it.Â
As the years went on it all increased more and more. Once I graduated from High School I moved to Portland, OR for college...it didn't last long. If I'm honest it didn't do any good for me. I got into a group of friends that were okay, but not good for me. I went into a relationship fast with a guy and it was VERY toxic. I NEVER slept. I was 19 so at least at that time I could still function without much sleep. Still wasn't good for me, but still. I lasted about 6 months...when winter break came and I went home for it...that's when it all hit me. My then boyfriend and I broke up, and that was really the thing that broke it all.
I just remember sitting at my mom's kitchen table going over my brother's High School Senior pictures and when we were done I closed my laptop just shaking like no other. I didn't think it all the way through it was just a sudden thing I said. "Mom I think I have to move home." I remember the look on her face...and a squeak of okay, and then her going to her room and crying. It was never talked about why I need/wanted to come home. I never will probably know why she went and cried. It's all weird. Few days later my brother and I drove to Portland, did my exit stuff for the school, packed all my shit into the car, said goodbye to sa few people, and drove home in a day. It was a very long and emotional day for sure.Â
Very long and emotional time in general. Years went on and when I turned 23 years old the next day I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. At 23 fucking years old...like okay good it finally happened, but wow. Then again I ignored a lot of things that would have probably helped with a sooner diagnosis...for more than just the Bipolar.Â
It's amazing what we feel is needed to keep us "normal"...whatever that is. I really feel growing up I saw that if you don't acknowledge it then it's not a problem kind of thing. I've learned later in life now that, that in fact is not correct (haha). It's okay to get or need help. Taking medication is not a bad thing. Going to therapy can be a good benefit. It's okay to be open (to an extent I suppose). It's okay to express yourself. Repressing things does NOT help anything. I was miserable for so long. I'm at least content and happier than I ever have been now.Â
If anyone reads this and needs help or to talk...I'm here, but also it's okay to seek help from others. Take the steps you need in order to help yourself. The first step is always avocating for yourself. If you need someone there to hold your hand, talk to randomly, or anything I'll do it. I get it and it's not an easy thing to do. It's nice to have someone understand or at least be there to help and try and understand.
If you are suicidal or thinking of something along those lines...reach out to someone. Or even call a hotline. 988 is the Suicide and Crisis hotline. If you have even a slight thought about needing to have to call the hotline or someone you trust DO IT. It can help so much. You are NOT alone in this life! Reach out. Do what you need to, to get help and feel better.Â