All this while I thought healing was about forgetting. To be able to erase your memories. To be able to forget what it felt like when you were still there in my life.
It's been years now. But have I forgotten you?
Your memory still lingers in my mind. Sometimes I catch myself smiling remembering the warmth that I used to feel every time we'd speak, like a scented candle slowly burning in the dark, spreading a pleasant fragrance as it faded away. No matter how hard I tried to fight it, you still hold a place in my heart. A tiny part of it doesn't want to let go of that warmth. I still speak about you from time to time; to my friends, to my mother, to myself. I still think about you, and what you were, and what we were, and I wonder if I'll ever find something like that again. My mother tells me, why not? There are countless good out there in the world. Different doesn't have to be bad. But a tiny part of me craves the comfort of familiarity. I know she's right though, there are plenty of good in this world, and sometimes different is the best we could hope for.
It's been years now. And I still think about you.
I could not erase your memories. I could not put out the candle that still keeps burning, a pleasant fragrance that I can still smell sometimes. But this time, your memory no longer brings tears to my eyes, it no longer pierces through my heart. It's like a warm squeeze; melancholic, nostalgic, bittersweet. It's bearable. I can talk about you without breaking down. I can remember you and actually smile. I can live and laugh with people again, without feeling the burden of guilt, without feeling the absurdity of time's movement, without being filled with bitterness towards this world.
Maybe healing is not about forgetting at all. Maybe healing is remembering, without the pain. Maybe it's acknowledging your absence, and moving past denial. Maybe it's coming to terms with Qadr and no longer wondering why. Maybe healing is accepting your loss, and finding contentment with that acceptance; finding contentment with the decree of Allah عز وجل.
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