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Cosmic Funnies
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@kholinblues
I've been attacked.
Sent this to my very ADHD husband.
His response:
… Like getting hit by a train and feeling every car roll over you.
This is "ADHD Kitchen Gremlin simultaneously making every-vegetable-lasagna, trying to sweep crumbs under the fridge, and pouring self a complicated and concerningly large cocktail" erasure
Stormlight Archive AU where the oathgate malfunctions and lands everyone in Ankh-Morpork.
Sam Vimes has arrested most of the Alethi army for attempted-breaching-of-the-peace and has now adopted Kaladin.
It’s all fun and games until Constable Visit-The-Infidel-With-Explanatory-Pamphlets gets involved. Those heathens.
Vimes and Kaladin struggle mightily to adopt each other into their respective found-family paramilitary organizations without allowing themselves to be adopted by the other.
Dalinar gets roped into a chess match with Lord Vetinari, which after 6 weeks of continuous play is still in a stalemate.
Lift convinces C.M.O.T. Dibbler to sell pancakes.
Colon and Nobby befriend Shallan, she gets them into outrageous trouble on a daily basis. Shallan starts smoking rollups.
Renarin accidentally chops Detritus in half, thinking he's a Thunderclast.
Adolin and Cheery start a fashion magazine. Granny Weatherwax hangs it up in her outhouse.
Hoid and Death slapfight.
I do think it'll be very funny if the Nona cover is revealed and it's someone we've never seen before, like they show Nona and it's like
I think if anyone were to ask me whether I like Harrow or Gideon more I would simply combust, I literally wouldn't be able to pick
Well now you don't have to worry about making that choice anymore, how convenient
specific favorite dynamic is “depressed person and the immoral but funny parasite monster/alien theyre host to”
Apparently Odder Still is just ratatouille in an underwater steampunk city with some added murder...?
Stormlight AU where Syl makes Kaladin fly by yanking his hair in directions
corridor crawl
x
evil stick fashion show
Tag yourself, I'm #4- sleep deprivation soup goblin
in her insanity has harrow purged gideon from her mind??
RAFO, DON'T GOOGLE ANYTHING
I can’t unsee Malak’s prosthetic jaw as someone wearing their mask under their nose now
Kaladin should have been allowed to go at least a little apeshit 💖
Kaladin can have a little apeshit, as a treat
gideon the ninth characters as dril tweets
gideon nav: i like to believe that getting my ass kicked 100 times a day for 50 years has granted me “Street Smarts”
harrowhark nonagesimus: if your grave doesn’t say “rest in peace” on it you are automatically drafted into the skeleton war
judith deuteros: if the united states president deemed me a threat to our nation, absoluitely i would let him zap me in the skull. i would hand him the gun,
marta dyas: stunning: mindful adult , decked out in complete set of riot gear - takes out entire stampede of horses using wisdom and tactic’s
coronabeth tridentarius: THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset. ME: I agree
ianthe tridentarius: i put years of hard work into getting my torture degree at torture college & now everyones like “oh torture’s bad”, “it’s ineffective” fuck off
naberius tern: so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
isaac tettares: 1st grade: Mastered. 2nd Grade: MAstered. 3rd Grade: Mastered. 4th Grade: Heres when they start trying to trick you 5th Grade:This ones hard
jeannemary chatur: if a sniper shot me i owuld run over to where he is and kick the gun out of his hand and kill him because hes not specialized in melee fight
magnus quinn: I lpove making my credit rating lower by having my wife painted on the side of my car
abigail pent: oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.
palamedes sextus: I;ve looked at the facts. Hell im looking at the facts right now
camilla hect: closing my eyes and mentally visuelizing my enemies bodies, in 3d , to analyze them for weak points
dulcinea septimus: hard at work in the Study, pen in hand, orchestrating my next public melt down
protesilaus ebdoma: if you dont post anything for a month and i can’t find the reason why, i just assume you died and got buried in someones yard like a pet
silas octakiseron: unfollow me if you hav e ever done or thought about doing war crimes. i dont want war criminals shitting my feed up
colum asht: startling how im the only person on this site with an actual human soul. you would think the other guys on here have one, but no
This is just The Magnus Institute.
Nope.
They have a gas-based firefighting system instead of sprinklers for obvious reasons. It does lower the percentage of oxygen in the building, but not enough to kill anyone.
I found this by googling “Yale library fire oxygen.” It was literally the first result.
Fact-checking is your friend.
It’s true. It’s not the fire suppression system that kills you. The Librarians come and personally murder you for starting a fire in a library. But you didn’t start a fire you say? No matter. You are collateral damage. Everybody gets killed to show that arsonists have no chance of escaping justice
an orangutan traveling at non-euclidean speeds erupts from the aether to clothesline you into another dimension
god im trying so hard to decipher that last addition and im coming up empty
OOK
the boys are out tonight huh?! based on this
Somehow I just knew Din was going to be Baba Booey
Read more here:
"You are no longer licensed to use the software," Adobe told them.
Friendly reminder that GIMP does pretty much everything Photoshop does, and it’s 100% free. Fuck DRM and the license culture, we have plenty of open source options available to us as a consumer.
Lightworks is a freeware video editor on par with Premiere
Blender is an excellent freeware 3D renderer,possibly better than After Effects
Lightzone to replace Lightroom
Inkscape to replace Illustratr
Audacity to replace Audition (I also received a free version of Pro Tools with my Scarlett Solo audio interface)
If Adobe is going to be greedy shitheads, then fuck ‘em. Don’t use their stuff. Freeware can be just as good, if not better, than Adobe CC.
reblog to save a digital arts major
Reblog to save an artist.
oh jEEZ
I will keep saying this: GIMP sucks butts.
- Medibang Paint and Fire Alpaca for more cartoon style illustration
- Krita for painting
- Clip Studio Paint (not free, but often on sale and cheap even at full price) is better than PS for art and I’m about to cut adobe entirely. Even does some photo editing.
- Paint Tool SAI (again, not free but cheap) old but good, there’s a ton of hacked copies around too. Not hard to get for free.
- Open Tunez for animation.
I’m currently using Affinity Photo and it’s a great Photoshop alternative. One time fee only and it’s not really expensive, plus supports PSD formats. Free trial available too! Davinci Resolve for video editing is amazing as well! :)
All of this except Reaper is a million times better than Audacity (I say this as an Audacity stan.) Reaper is as close as it's possible to get to open-source ProTools, the $60 dollar price tag can be delayed indefinitely (the developers made it with an unlimited trial), and it's just great all around- aside from being pure ugly to look at, which honestly I stopped minding after the first year I used it.
star wars ladies in action
Shit. Just noticed Kelsier Fortnite comes with 3 Massive HEMALURGIC SPIKES
What the fuck are you going to do with those?
Chill he's just gonna make some kabobs
Headcanon that Luke and Obi Wan got the money to pay Han Solo by selling the moisture farm at bargain-basement prices in Anchorhead without telling anyone that it was totally torched, and by the time anyone find out they were well off planet. Luke now has a reputation as one of Tattooine’s most famous con men despite the fact that it was Obi Wan who ran the con.
#I don’t know if you meant it this way but I totally interpreted this as them selling the farm multiple times to different people#luke: *wrestling over selling the wreck of the farm to someone he knows is a complete scumbag*#obi-wan: hello are you interested in buying a farm#complete scumbucket: *interested noises*#luke: wait didn’t we already-? *gets zapped by R2* ow!#luke: oh#luke: ohhhh#luke: >:)
i haven’t cared about star wars ‘canon’ since i was 3 years old- I LOVE the idea that the reason Luke had to dramatically speeder in and out of Jabba’s without hitting up any of his local connections is he is like, wanted by a bunch of scum in Mos Eisley. Can you- can you imagine Vader or whoever doing a recon in town on ‘the last son of the Jedi who blew up the death star.’ His close friends and family have all a) died b) moved off planet or c) both.
So the only reputation he has is ‘that bastard con artist who banked 19 years of aw-shucks-wormie-ness and used it to outrageously fleece everyone who’s almost anybody.’ Vader reading the report like…damn you Kenobi did you get HONDO to raise my son??
Jabba’s reaction to Luke’s message is INFINITELY funnier if we consider the idea that ‘Skywalker’ amongst the wretched local villainy (who mostly ignore imperial and rebel propaganda) is actually synonymous with TWO things - that brat who totally messed up the podrace bookies 25 years ago, and the infamous Anchorhead Con. Jabba gets this message about ‘Jedi’ and is like LOL i think the other Skywalker tried to pull some hotshit with that too before wimping out.
Everyone openly laughs like sure you’re a Jedi and I’ve got a bargain vaporator farm I want to sell you.
AND THEN HE WRECKS THE JOINT WITH A DEBT-RIDDEN HALF-BLIND SMUGGLER A RANDOM SLAVE GIRL ONE GUARD AND TWO BEAT UP DROIDS WHAAAT
I’m imagining some random palace guard telling Vader this, afterwards.
“So this fucking—SKYWALKER, dude, have you ever heard the name Skywalker? You know what it means? A FUCKING ASSHOLE, that’s what it means. Like. The first one was bad enough, this little shit named Anakin who was fuckin’ NINE YEARS OLD and he just WON THE FUCKING BOONTA EVE PODRACE and set SIXTEEN bookies out of business and if I ever meet him I’m gonna set him on fire for it—
“And then this new one, Luke? Fuckin’ nobody, raised by his aunt and uncle out in the Wastes, little aw-shucks hick farm kid, the kind you could give him a five-credit piece and a ten-credit piece and he keeps taking the fiver because it’s BIGGER, that kind of simple, and then he comes into Mos Eisley one afternoon and sells his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm, right, I’ve been out there a few times, several of us have, and it’s a nice place as far as moisture farms go, mildly profitable, and the kid is fucking happy to get like two-thirds its value, so he sells the farm, right? TO NINETEEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how much Jabba’s finance people had to do to get that sorted out? Nineteen fucking mortgages on ONE fucking property, puts every real estate con Jabba the Hutt’s entire CLAN ever pulled and we were on the WRONG SIDE OF IT! We had every pirate and smuggler from here to Corellia laughing at us! And THEN! And THEN—!
“So he pops up via hologram message acting like a DIPLOMAT from the REPUBLIC, claiming a title and rank from an extinct, defunct, ILLEGAL order and wanting to bargain with Jabba—are you fucking kidding me, BARGAIN WITH JABBA for a smuggler who’s up to his ass in debt when he’s responsible for that farm scheme, acting like he doesn’t even fucking REMEMBER it and expects that Jabba’s forgotten it too. Like. Absolute fucking idiot, and anticipating that Jabba’s just as stupid. And he offers a pair of droids as a gift. Like, built-in-the-Republic-era, random-ass droids that he probably picked up from the Jawas that morning for a few hundred credits and a junked ‘vaporator.
“I mean, Jabba’s seething here, but hey, free droids is free droids. Whatever. He takes the droids, throws things, orders a fight to the death between two gamblers who owed him money, killed one of his dancers at some point … and then Boushh shows up with fucking Chewbacca in chains—he’s Solo’s first mate, so Jabba was all happy about that, but not happy enough to pay the full bounty—and what’s Boushh do? Pull some gonads out from somewhere after all these years, and also pull out a fucking THERMAL DETONATOR! Going to blow us all to fuck if he doesn’t get his measley fifty thousand, and, well, there’s no arguing with crazy like that.
“So now, if you’re keeping score, Jabba’s lost an absolute SHITLOAD of money and had his bookmaking industry fucked all to hell for like three years after the stunt from Skywalker the First, got screwed out of ANOTHER shitload of money in the farm scam by Skywalker the Sequel, got all but called an idiot to his face and insulted six times over by the same dude who’s apparently scammed so many people he’s forgotten who he has and hasn’t scammed, and got threatened out of fifty thousand credits by a second-tier bounty hunter IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT.
“And then the next morning, what the fuck? Jabba’s favorite sculpture is gone, the one with Solo as its main ingredient that Boba Fett brought him. And Boushh is gone. And Jabba’s got a brand-new dancer chained up next to him. Night duty guy tells me Boushh unfroze Solo, and the new dancer girl IS Boushh, which, okay, you’re dealing with people like that and you look like that? You definitely need a helmet, but I feel like pretending she didn’t breathe oxygen was overkill. Anyway, then Skywalker shows up. All alone, no weapons, nothing, like he really believes in this Jedi shit. Arrogant little bastard, and we’re all laying bets on how Jabba’s going to kill him.
“So he talks a little, and fwoop! goes the trapdoor, and okay, everybody who bet on “Rancor” is doing a little happy dance, but then! BUT THEN! He fucking KILLS THE RANCOR! Drops its own cage door on its head and punches right through its skull! And—fucking NOBODY bet on that, which is a damn shame because everybody else would’ve just torn the winner apart out of sheer rage at that point and we coulda used some good bloodshed then, y’know? I mean, I dunno if you’ve ever met Jabba the Hutt, but he’s the kind of boss that’ll just go off and kill you for failing him or just because he’s angry at something. Just complete fucking asshole. I mean, he was pissed enough that everybody was worried for their safety, and so somebody dying messily right then would’ve calmed him down a bit.
“So Jabba’s big mad, and he gathers Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca all together and says he’s gonna feed them to the Sarlacc, which is a nasty tentacled carnivorous plant out in the desert, so we all board the sail barge and have a nice little pleasure cruise—have you ever been to Tattoine? I’m fuckin’ kidding, it’s brutal. But hey, we get to see Skywalker executed, right? Wrong.
“Jabba offers them the chance to beg for their lives, and Solo calls him a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, which, I mean, I could do better, y’know? If I’m about to die? Anyway, Skywalker goes up first, gets prodded to the edge, flips a salute off to who-knows-where, and does this little twist in midair, catches the fucking plank, and fucking SPRINGBOARDS himself back onboard, CATCHES HIS LIGHTSABER FROM MIDAIR where the one DROID shot it to him, and starts sending guards over the side, usually in pieces.
“So more guards rush forward to help, and there’s this huge fight, and fuckin’ BOBA FETT falls in, and while that’s going on? The fucking dancing girl has grabbed her chain and is FUCKING STRANGLING JABBA WITH IT! Like, I look over and he’s bucking and struggling and she’s pulling on that chain like anything, and then somebody hits me over the head with a bottle of Corellian brandy, and by the time I look again he’s pitched over dead! And nobody freaking bet on that!
“And then? Off they fucking go, Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca and the dancing girl and the droids and one of the guards who I played sabacc with the other night and he owes me twenty credits! And that fucking Skywalker just cost me my job, and if I see him again I’m going to burn him to cinders myself!”
The man subsides, eyeing the gigantic ebony figure in front of him who, except for a couple of momentary starts as though he might say something, has been silently listening to him all this time.
Size-wise, Darth Vader has nothing on Jabba the Hutt, but somehow, he is scarier.
Finally, the dark form speaks. “You said you could do better.” A moment’s silence, and he clarifies. “If you were about to die.” He gets the impression that whatever monster lurks behind the helmet is smiling. “You are about to die now. Because you are a criminal, and because of what you have said about my son, Luke Skywalker. You have an opportunity to do better. Use it.”
The so-condemned criminal, late of Jabba’s palace guard, lets his jaw hang open unflatteringly for a moment while his brain catches up with events. HIS SON, which means …
“YOU’RE Anakin Skywalker’s HUSBAND?”
The steady, hissing rhythm of Darth Vader’s rebreather actually stops dead as the Dark Lord straightens up as if stabbed with an electroprod.
In the instant before the man’s brains, blood, and spinal fluid coat the far wall, he has the momentary satisfaction of having, indeed, done much better than Solo.
“You know, taking the 5 credit piece is smarter than taking the 10 credit piece.”
“... Excuse me?”
*robotic breathing* “If you take the 5 credit piece every time, everyone will think you’re stupid, so they’ll keep doing it. If you ever take the 10 credit piece, the game is over.”
“.... WHAT?”
“I used to pull that one all the time. ‘Oh look, it’s Little Ani, the slave boy who can’t do math, ask him if he wants the 5 credit piece or the 10 credit piece!’ I almost bought out my mother’s slave debt doing that, and then Qui-Gon showed up.”
“Okay you’re definitely a fucking Skywalker.”
