rough slouching beast

kil/37/monster | formerly a-giant-spider | reblog blog: hugeguts | bsky:kilbaro | mastodon: [email protected] | avatar by stablercake, header by zenophrenic!

[angelicguy]

just something i whipped up for pride month. youre welcome gay community

[angelicguy]

it was nothing really

[weirdmageddon]

i am fixated on this peanuts scene in particular. its so unsettling and dreamlike. lynchian in nature, down to the fucking sound design

[limitedmedicine]

【Rippi/リッピ】

fuzzy bugs series

w140×h130xd90mm

@shiba0607

[sushitrash666]

[kilbaro]

it's really alienating to be in a vent chat with all these people saying how EMDR or parts work or therapy in general has changed their lives and after going through like 20 providers i can't even find a therapist i'd trust to wipe their own ass much less help me in any way whatsoever

almost every single interaction i've had with any therapist, psych, etc has gone like this:

i calmly and objectively, to the best of my abilities, describe my past, or a situation and my feelings about it. i explain my thought processes and reasoning and *pause to give them a chance to ask questions or challenge me or anything*

i never get more than 'can you think about that differently?' or some variation of 'you sure?' and maybe every so often 'that's tough'. at the end of the session i get a prescription or a buzzfeed quiz printed out as 'homework' or something.

not a scrap of meaningful input or feedback whatsoever. Most of the time I feel like I'm annoying them by being there. In person they're usually just looking at their phone the whole time (not writing notes or anything, just staring at it) or playing with a fidget toy.

i've had three different people attempt to do EMDR on me and it felt like the biggest stupidest scam each time. the last one, my current therapist, got pissed off and stopped it because i wasn't feeling the emotions he thought i should felt (i felt nothing. which is why i was, yknow, seeking therapy in the first place)

so what are my conclusions?

that 20+ providers in three different states are all incompetent dipshits and I just have the amazing luck of getting them each time. this seems unlikely!

many, many other people have literally never had the thought 'can you reframe that' or some other utterly basic insipid thing until a therapist suggested it to them. ie: most people are very stupid. a strong possibility, given how many people are so taken with chatbots who at least provide more interaction than therapists do in my experience.

therapy and perhaps the bulk of psychiatry in general is utter bullshit filled with scams and grifters: also seems quite likely

i am fundamentally too broken to help and each provider IS skilled enough to recognize this BUT they would like my money so they do the bare minimum to move the session along until my 40 minutes are up: we have a winner!

[kilbaro]

i am doing very bad. ideating like hell. making plans to sell all my shit so there's nothing to deal with once i'm gone for good.

i lost the one valuable thing i brought to the life i had (my job+income) i do not deserve to be alive.

[kilbaro]

i don't think anyone will ever convince me it's actually okay for me to be around people. That's just factually, objectively untrue. If I'm too much of a fucking coward to kill myself I can at least try to keep myself in line and away from people.

[kilbaro]

i don't know why i ever thought i could talk to people. someday i'll fucking learn.

i just need to have 'i will never have anything worthwhile to say, i will never be funny, useful or companionable to anybody' tattooed on the inside of my eyelids

[bogleech]

lol what if there's actually lots of people who went from liking me to completely demonizing me in their thoughts over just things in my art that I didn't know about, what if hundreds of people develop revulsion like that towards me as a person for reasons they didn't bother to say and they just assume I'm consciously putting malicious ideas in my work without even checking with me or just asking wouldn't that be wacky

[kilbaro]

i'd like to propose a new literary idea: death of the audience

(ie, internalizing the idea that you cannot ever know or control how people interpret your work)

[uboatheflesh]

Today, I have outlived the release of this record by 7 years. Would be nice if this record would be less relevant, and was simply detailing a difficult time in both my life and in our shared history that has long since been confined to the past. Sadly our world had other plans. So did my autonomic nervous system. It never ceases to surprise me when somebody states that this record helped them come out. If being trans is social contagion that spreads by promising happiness, then this is probably the worst advertisement for 'transgender ideology' conceivable. Probably because it is evident that transitioning has nothing to do with happiness at all. I am still not a happy individual, and have come to accept I likely never will be. If you start using a utilitarian calculus on your own life - and your life has been a difficult one simply because of who you are - then you quickly come to some dark conclusions. That is exactly how I ended up in the ER of St. Vincent's Hospital months prior to this records release. I didn't realise this record was 'honest'. In reality, I censored the lyrics heavily in order to obscure references to real people using metaphor. Stuck on what to sing about, I was told to "write what you know". I followed this advice literally. I wasn't really aware of the taboo around singing about the topics of the record things I discussed - depression, dysphoria, regret, sex work, abuse etc. It is honest simply as I did not read the room. I did not realise that for most people in music social convenience and money were more important. Things are more difficult now than ever. They may be difficult for the rest of our lives. But what makes lives bearable is not happiness. Happiness means very little if you are surrounded by lies. Suffering likewise becomes unbearably pointless without reference to a truth. Without truth - and acting faithfully upon that truth - nothing is bearable. That is why we have such high rates of attempted and completed ... well, you all know the story of the cover already. However, I'd still like to make a case for remaining alive. -- 2026 marks 10 years since I came out and began medical transitioning. As of a few days ago, I am on the waitlist for a sex change (yes, sex can indeed be changed!). I tasked for a BA too, as Ritalin seems to keep me too thin and flat for my liking. The list is free but the wait is years long - and I still have a lot of rehabilitation from chronic illness to do before getting a surgery that will mess me up for months (and will itself require more rehabilitation). However, the very fact that such a service exists - provided by the Monash Gender Clinic - is a privilege, even if it is slow. The wait is likely going to be more painful than the recovery, the dilation or the inevitable complications. I thought I had minimal dysphoria regarding my genitalia, but really it was cope. It built up slowly over time the more I neglected it, to the point of it wrecking havoc on my self-confidence and relationships. I'd like to wear a bikini or use a change room without my life being in danger. I'd like to have a comfortable bath without bubbles or sex without zoning out. I just want to be done with it, so I can move onto the next problem. Sorry, chasers. But turns out despite all the truthfulness I allegedly demonstrated in my music, I still wasn't being totally truthful with myself. --

And that is really what the record is about. Admittedly it has taken me years to really understand my own record, as I was very dissociated while making it (while abusing dissociatives). It isn't primarily about depression, or any specific mental malaise. Many cis people seem to get the record too - so it is more than about being a stereotypically depressed transsexual too. It's about something else, perhaps. While it is true that truth is good, it is not even remotely pleasurable. It has nothing to do with happiness. It is often completely indifferent to our wellbeing. For Plato, escaping the cave is certainly not pleasurable. It is easier to remain in there seduced by the puppets casting funny little shadows on the walls. The light outside hurts. It's too bright. But there are far more important things at stake. "Slowly, [her] eyes adjust to the light of the sun. First [she] can see only shadows. Gradually [she] can see the reflections of people and things in water and then later see the people and things themselves. Eventually, [she] is able to look at the stars and moon at night until finally [she] can look upon the sun itself." (edit mine) Upon seeing the sun for the first time, would it not make sense for this prisoner to feel a deep and profound grief? Would there not be a period of mourning all those years misspent in the cave? The discovery of a truth is not joyous - truth rarely has anything to do with joy at all. Truth hurts. Facts don't care about feelings. Why is truth so slow, and so difficult to encounter? Why is she so fragile that it can easily be redacted without consequence, or shattered under the butt of a gun? This mourning is also melancholia, as not some external object that is lost, but ourselves. We are nothing without the truths that make our life intelligible and bearable. Once you start seeing truth as painful, suddenly the horrid age we live in makes a lot more sense. Might as well just seek (sadistic, nihilistic, empty) pleasure instead. It is certainly easier. So I guess that's the message: be honest with yourself even if it makes everything worse. Live for something more than happiness. Don't survive merely out of spite, as spite alone does not grant a life meaning. Nor does happiness. Something more is needed. Live for a truth that cannot be calculated, even if it tortures you. No love, artwork, scientific discovery or political revolution - or transition - can be reduced to a mere utilitarian calculus. You don't need to believe in a god to commit oneself to the Absolute. You won't have fun, and you won't be happy. There's unlikely to be any reward for doing so in the hereafter. But you will be able to bear the life that you currently have. You will have a life that makes sense. Love what you will never believe twice. Fight for it too.

Happy valentines day -Xandra

[dustsculptures]

“no one’s ever mad at me unless they tell me so” is the best assumption i’ve ever made

[dustsculptures]

sorry for tagwatching but you still have to act like they aren’t mad at you imo! bc it’s the mad person’s duty to make it known if they want anything changed. it is never anyone’s duty to be a mind reader.

[nooblord9001]

If I am mad at someone and am remaining Quiet about it, it is because I Do Not Want them to know that I’m mad.

Please respect my boundaries and assume that I am Not mad.

If you’re worried that I am mad, consider the possibility that I am mad for reasons I know are stupid and do not want to make it your problem.

[blazing-butterfly-inactive]

Ohhh that last addition opens my eyes in a big way, thank you.

[kilbaro]

the last part works until you decide all of your emotions are stupid and invalid (speaking from experience)

[professional-egg-layer]

woah dude..... your hurt sound is vaguely sexual..... im trying to kill you but im. im getting a bit flustered

[professional-egg-layer]

who is leon dbd

[professional-egg-layer]

ok i looked up leon dead by daylight and omfg why does he... wh.... why does he sound like that

[professional-egg-layer]

this literally is not an exaggeration

https://youtu.be/mGUJlJGimJY

[nevertoomanyspiders]

some disjointed yapping about thoughts on Twin Peaks, Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me and Twin Peaks: The Return. impressions, thoughts, etc.

Margaret Lanterman is one of the most important entities in Twin Peaks and possibly across realities. thanks, Log. rest in peace Catherine E. Coulson.

2017 Deputy Hawk fucking MVP. Frank Truman's just kinda there

Freddie Sykes also MVP.

Andy having a more serious moment as he encounters the Fireman is a cool change of pace when most of the time he's a bumbling goober. and Lucy firing a gun. fuck yeah

Benjamin Horne was a fun character in the original series. he's at least a more decent guy in 2017 haha

Jerry what the fuck were you doing in the woods. even though his adventures are spread apart across multiple episodes considering the way Lynch handles time i gotta wonder if it all took place during one day and a very bad trip

what the fuck is the deal between Audrey and her husband Charlie? will Mark Frost give us answers? also nice callback to Audrey's bizarre writhing dance in the original series

the Dougie saga is so bizarre. did part of Cooper's consciousness get stuck in transit when he got squeezed through a power outlet? did Dougie come to existence in 1997 during one of Cooper's extra-dimensional escapades as what in episode 18?

I'm glad the blind lady (Naido?) didn't die when she was electrocuted

when Cooper is very quiet and serious, in the red room and other bizarre places, especially prior to his doppelganger's introduction in The Return, it makes sense. his expression and mood being unreadable as he explores these strange realms gives more room to ponder their significance. even after Cooper's doppelganger is seemingly out of the picture, this neutral, serious demeanor feels more sinister. is he really gone?

i love the strange purple sea and the surreal greyscale locations where the Fireman and the unnamed lady dwell. especially the theatre feels like a location in an old point-and-click Myst clone adventure game.

the woodsmen and the entity inside the glass box and dang scary wtf

episode 8 of The Return is great

I'm not too crazy about romance stuff in the series and how people just throw themselves in the arms of other people despite already loving someone else but i understand why they're there

Leo Johnson's eventual fate kept me wondering wtf happened to him. oh no, tarantulas. anything but tarantulas.

James Hurley really needs to wear a helmet when riding his motorcycle, jesus. also it's nice that he performs his song again in 2017

dang how did Nadine get so crazy strong after her coma?

Leland Palmer is a very, very troubled man and it's ambiguous how much is inherent to him

2017 Sarah Palmer just watching a glitched boxing match while mixing tomato sauce into her liquor and smoking in chains as always. just going through the motions. and what entity is living in her making her violently kill an asshole trucker? the way she had an outburst at the grocery store over turkey jerky was strange but also? very mundane, somehow. do grocery stores typically carry hard liquors in the US?

Pete Martell is such a dork (rip Jack Nance). Catherine is such a schemer (jesus those yellowface prosthetics, why). Josie Packard is such a mysterious woman and her death is just as mysterious

what would Twin Peaks be like as a series without Bob?

Chantal and Hutch are damn funny even if they're horrible people haha

Laura Palmer was going through so much shit. i feel you girl. i feel you

ok because i just finished The Return it's more fresh on my mind. the supernatural elements ate definitely more prominent in it as opposed to mystery and intrigue of the first two seasons of people scheming against each other (all parties involved in the sawmill business, One-eyed Jack's with Jean Renault, cocaine dealing, etc.), and it's fascinating how much of the web involves Laura Palmer in some form or another.

dang I'm tired rn lol. maybe I'll blabber more later. but man. i love weird dreamlike nonsense. it's great stuff. glad I've finally seen Twin Peaks. I'm sure it'll stay with me for a good while.

[kilbaro]

so about sarah face-voring someone, i think the fandom consensus is that she's possessed by the Judy entity (the thing that created Bob) like how Leland was possessed by Bob and Laura is somehow specifically an anti-Judy entity. judy was also made when the atom bomb was dropped. or something, maybe, it all operates on dream logic lol

i think nadine getting crazy strong was (if it was anything besides being shitposty) part of them lampshading soap operas, where there's ridiculous subplots like that all the time. lynch also has a weird adult swim sense of humor sometimes (or rather, i think a lot of adult swim content was influenced by him. definitely all of tim and eric's stuff). this is a man who would 100% be making deranged youtube poops if he'd been born later, he did an animated series /entirely on his own/ called Dumb Land in 2000 that would predict the style and humor of most adult swim stuff

re: dougie, i had this theory while i was watching that it turned out that dougie and Mr C were the two components of Cooper's personality and he wouldn't be himself until they got merged and reconstituted together. entirely wrong but it sounded so good at the time. i also thought diane would turn out to be literally just a tape recorder sitting in the police station's evidence locker lmao

[bogleech]

[heavyweightheart]

every time you leave the house w some aspect of your physical appearance challenging norms but honoring yourself, you get a little firmer in your conviction that you have the right to exist and be a body however tf you want

[kilbaro]

it'd be nice if this was true

[tempural]

🐟 Hello my wonderful internet friends and enemies! I put our new stickers, prints, and zines up on our online store. This update's flavors include:

Kink of The Hill stickers and 4x6 prints.

Texan Pride stickers, for the three genders of lesbians, gays, and gooners.

Parasite animation concept art zine (edited by Shane!)

King of The Hill Yaoi zine.

The zines are free to read on my wiki as well. As always, everything is designed, printed, and cut in our home studio.

For sticker club subs: I'm gonna send out sticker club packages on Monday, so you have 'til then if you want to order extras and/or merge store orders with sticker club 😀

Please enjoy! Thank you for reading, thank you for supporting us, and hope you had a good October.

[ink-the-artist]

irony & sincerity