God damn it! I need to be okay with being forever single.
An ending of a relationship never easy no matter if it's online, offline, long term, short term, one sided, situation-ship or something in between. We still emotionally attached and God forbid have full picture of your future with them.
Like many people, I want to find love. I want the stability, warmth, and companionship that a relationship brings. But the process of actually finding someone? It’s ridiculously fucking hard. And honestly? I feel like I’m done with it.
Swiping on dating app to only match with people that don't even fucking read the things I write on my profile. To join communities only to find people already in a happy relationship or people that are not looking for one. In the back of my mind, I know I shouldn't be chasing love—I should let it come when I’m content with myself. But knowing that doesn’t change how I feel. I’ve been stuck in this cycle for months, growing more miserable with each passing day.
I do not want to admitted it but I start to feel life is being unfair again. I’ve struggled, grown, learned, and pushed through things most people wouldn’t even understand. And now, after all of that, what do I get? More waiting. More learning. More swiping. More loneliness.
It’s exhausting—sometimes, I just want to break down and throw everything into the river. I don't want to hold myself together anymore; I don't want to be strong, resilient, or wise. Because sometimes, I catch myself feeling invisible to the world despite trying my best.
Then—
I remember I've always known life unfairness.
I have held myself together without a safety net, and kept going even when the world felt like it was daring me to collapse—and I'm still standing. I build everything from ground up because I believe I could. It has been soul-draining battles no one else sees but I want to prove a point to me and people that don't believe in me. And for a moment —it feels like I'm getting somewhere. Then I was snapped back from that victory high and here I am.
Back in this depth of darkness and every time I hit this rock-bottom I've always thought it couldn't get worst than this. But then it get deeper and darker, with constant presence of unwelcome old friend staring at the depth of this darkness; hopelessness.
I stopped and sit in this darkness— Catching my breath and trying to be gentle to myself. It's fucking terrible and uncomfortable. I want to run, scream and fight the feelings away. But the realization set in: focusing on them only makes it worse. Just like when nose itches during meditation, focusing on it and being impatience make it worse. I could just scratch it but wouldn't that rob me of the opportunities to learn patience and mindfulness? And I realize I should focus on my thing I can control instead. Even though I’ve heard this advice from everyone before, there’s something powerful about coming to this conclusion on my own. It carries more meaning because it’s resonate with me, not just something people say I should do because it’s the right thing. Learning this make it easier to life my life day by day.
