i dont know how things could've gone now. its weird just waiting and wanting to do something that isnt there. i spent my week in a fog trying to wait. the only thing i did on reflex was to study.
it was also waaay too hot to study in my chair as the leather sticks to my thighs quite a bunch.
i feel like my schedule somehow works in my favor though i must admit im barely hanging on a thread. its hard. (but im still blaming the heat !)
i just decided now to try harder. maybe itll help.
something i figured out this week which is kinda sad but im older now so that's apparently a norm.
i used to think i could be a writer, but i figured out that i'm just a kid who likes to talk to myself but hates the sound of her own voice.
irony.
hence also, this blog.
other things :
> i have figured out that i have broken the mental focus streak that i have currently been trying to maintain, i guess its hard when i would rather drown myself with stupid media than face the impending collision of having to study things i should know by now but i don't remember and it feels like im just repeatedly wringing myself out the dryer and not being dry again
> it's kinda sad i just compared myself to a wet pile of laundry but at the very least they're cool. of which i am not. ha ha.
> i have been making headway of my notes but i hope i remember them
> i apparently enjoy the wringing
> but then, i need to pass the damn board exam so i can be a contributing member of society. i have overstayed my visa for being a baggage to my parents for waaaay longer than i should've.
I dont know how the week went past me and I just let it.
the days have been longer and warmer. Things felt off by some part i didn't understand. Like there was a second running off from Father's time watch, you know something was different but you couldn't figure out what it was.
It felt heavy. I keep hoping for an announcement that we would be back somehow. i don't know.
the pre-season review schedule has been up for a few weeks now, and though things have not been the best as of now, i think it's fair to think that I have been doing enough.
this sunday, my review center announced the start of pre-season boards and I just got into my portal...which is when i felt shit got real.
of course, with that was the lovely things you have to do because that is the whole point of the review center right. Hungry to redeem myself from my poor grades in med school, i went for it that day.
I took the diagnostic test - i did okay?
did all the exams that followed - kinda wanna shoot myself in the head right there, but while answering i repeatedly told myself that " i haven't tackled this yet, didn't read this yet. yet. yet. yet,"
But i can't help but think maybe i should have done more?
i KNOW i did something during the months in e-nternship but that strange sensation of not doing "enough" just gets me.
added the fact that i seem to forget things as I read them, does not help my mental situation at all.
Right now though, i divided the handouts to the number of pages I had to do in a day. It's a lot, this is on top of doing internship related things.
Oh and they just uploaded a 5 hour rationale of that big exam, God help my schedule.
I'm still trying everything that i need to do, but I will be honest and say that i feel like I am still not doing enough, i need a high grade, heck i need to get a top spot. Maybe i just need to try harder. consistently.
i had a really good week prior to this but i think i overdid it? When the holy week rolled around i think i basically threw all that productivity out the window and now im struggling again. My dreams have not been the best and the current situation is so negative right now.
im gonna go off my dopamine hit (my phone) for awhile, this has not been good for me. the healthcare system crashing is doing nothing for me. I just keep comparing my progress with others and I just feel like im helpless or im not doing enough
seeing 10k cases rising steadily, recommending an anti parasitic for COVID 19 , VIP treatment and vaccination for movie stars and politicos and people having a hard time due to COVID really took an emotional toll on me today.
with no hope of stepping foot inside the hospital to get clinical experience and the looming board exams....there's so much hopelessness that its really hard to focus.
but i have to. i have an exit exam upcoming, and settle things for my next department transition. God help me.
give me steady guidance and focus. and to keep holding on. keep me sane.
the future after the board exams looks grim, is there a future for us?
> cases in my country has decided to hit an all time high of 10k per day (with some testing centers not even submitting data). Our country has decided to take a step backward and just keep on doing the same thing (LOCKDOWN) without any other measure in place. It feels like March 2020 all over again.
> there is very little chance that we may get to do internship in the hospital again. there is no way to do it safely. Maybe once we're vaccinated? (could happen). missing out on a lot and investing so much in things that dont pay off.
> there is no motivation. Okay, maybe there is a little bit
> almost became an ACTUAL intern before the cases started going up in the country and rightfully put us back into the laptop internship
> almost thought that vaccines were such a far dream but I got a shot courtesy of my training hospital.
> almost feeling bad for myself but picked myself up when i saw the fast dwindling days before Sept 2021 PLE and i have goals i need to attain.
> almost wanting to cry trying to come into the terms of the fact that my dad spent a fortune setting up my new digs near my training hospital only for us not going back..still.
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I spent about 2 days moping around but i just got used to the fact that we live in the age of uncertainty and I have to roll with the latest, gut-fucking punches that life decides to throw my way. I just have to keep reminding myself that the brain-numbing house-prison life won't stay forever and I have to be grateful that i even have a roof over my head let alone a family who still supports me (financially).
i need to pass crush the PLE. and get a great job, and the only way I'm gonna be able to do both is suck it up, feel good about working through mountains of medical knowledge (and retaining them), and not waste one more day (maybe hours yeah, but not days). We all have to live with unfortunate purpose so here's mine. God help me.
we got a schedule, i got to see houses where im staying, inundated with things we needed to prepare (which was a LOOOT and expensive) and things to accomplish before we finally. FINALLY,
Get our ass back in the hospital. My first rotation is with the OBGYN department and i gotta say im nervous af. I need to review basics of L&D and make sure my swab test tomorrow is negative ( fingers crossed!!) God help me.
I have been anxious all week and i haven't gotten any studying done properly. i need to manage it better. I promise that i will do much better this week.
I also registered for the most expensive and most sought after review center in town. Gotta admit i need the boost and the motivation to keep studying for the review season. (i ONLY GOT ONE MONTH SO IDK WHAT TO TELL YOU).
Pray for me. I wanna do well in clinicals and reviews. BOTH. i dont want to sacrifice one for another. Finally. get my licensed to heal.
i feel like i’ve been putting off writing because i can’t face my own feelings so imma do a cold 180 and write 25 poems. before i turn 26th on april. yay. bad idea? maybe.
this weeks roundup was just a very stable thing. i worked in the morning and then did stuff i should have. i already jumped the forest train and im sorta glad what my turn out was in the week. this was my second week using forest.
not bad right? averaging 4 hours per day ish. some days its 5 depending how good im feeling.
stil though, waiting for the announcement of when we were coming back was just so looong, my anxiety was in control most of the time. but im just excited to go back to normal. I hope for some news this week.
its my first time in a long time that im single. but then we i did tell my ex that i wasnt into the celebrating thing so its my fault i dont have that much memories. I would prolly celebrate it if / when i get someone. probably. idk. im not the cool kid anymore.
i bought my mother flowers as ordered by my dad. expensive but i do think its nice?
i have really bad camera skills so forgive me.
im now waiting for the clarion call of the hospital when we will be coming back. gotta admit im jealous of the others who were allowed to do so. i feel like im taking root at home. deep ones. and i dont have any clinical skills anymore. tsk. we shall see how things turn out.
writing my weekly turned up journal a day late. I was supposed to write on sunday. but things were happening so fast.
I found myself looking through the things that happened almost a year ago. There was happiness there, though i did consider it as one of the toughest ones i have endured mainly due to personal reasons. it felt lighter knowing i had good people surrounding me and giving he hope to push through even for a few more hours. i feel grateful. the kindness shown to me is something i could never forget.
life has a tendency to blur the white colors out with your dark moments. I think its nice to remember the good stuff. It was a walk in the park, cold ocean Manila breeze, sun setting giving us orange tones, signalling the end of a hard day and a subtle signal to reset. even for awhile. I’ll never forget those walks. And maybe ill keep doing that too. it helped clear out the dark for me.
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to my future love : may i find you complete one day. And in a place where i have something to give selflessly.
i wrote like 200 words before tumblr decided to cancel it out of nowhere and im just tired.
but hell here we go again:
we all got this mood last year that somehow when the earth has completed on cycle around the sun (2020 yay bye), coronavirus would just disappear and what a dumb dumb human hope that was. (im not saying i didnt hope for that, but still dumb).
so far it has been a month of 2021 and it has not gotten better. Just my country’s leaders blindly pushing back to normalcy because the economy has been in the negatives and everyone is just becoming stir-crazy at home ( looking at you, quarantine partygoers). With a promise of a vaccine. we can only all hope that it’s the real thing that will significantly put us back to a smidge of normalcy (though the way it’s going, i doubt things will do so fast and efficiently).
personally, i got a career stake here, the longer we stay in laptop internship the more i feel my very humble set of skills of what a quarter of a doctor i am, gladly reduce to nothing. I mean, i prepare (somehow) but nothing beats clinical experience. i kind of don’t understand how im supposed to be a doctor making life decisions for someone’s health after i pass one big test and get a license to (possibly) make other people feel better.
(me probably, applying for doctor jobs soon)
memes, and pain and love to future me reading this,
you see these tales of story and triumph of the men & women who come before you. photos celebratory of success borne from hard work and like any human being, you feel yourself wishing that i could be that way. one day.
and then you will yourself to sit down and do the work, you look at the endless piles of lessons you need to refresh, to understand. the work that feel like a mountain that you can barely scale the border.
You understand that their hard work now is not just the photo or that post. It’s days of boring, willful days of chasing small things to build in their dreams.
Small triumphs that pile up into larger ones, gradually chipping away at that block of mountain, one page at a time, one lesson, one week.
those smiles hid the pain well didn’t it?
but isn’t it worth it for your supposed dreams?
its time to be bored and get down to work, you have a dream to chase.
i used to write in here because i felt like i should. but now i dont feel that way anymore. paying homage to the longest kept online journal i have had. i vow to write when my mind is filled. let’s go :
- the 2020 before : i was in my final year in medical school, doing my clerkship, i was tired all the time, and i complained a lot as well. but even through hell and fire you learn what the job entailed really. from knowing to doing and everything in between, it’s a harsh slap of reality and a taste of what the practice of medicine is like.
- the pandemic : started at the eve of March 2020, foreshadowed by small infection news bites by large media conglomerates. we all thought it was just a few weeks off, maybe a month? then it morphed into 3 months, and gradually extending until now. The Philippines has the longest and harshest lockdown here and ever since then, i haven’t stepped foot inside a hospital
- the online graduation: we watched as my batchmates and I saw our faces flashed on a live facebook feed from our university, it sucked honestly. not because it was online because it was haphazardly done. i remember blowing up due to that. we worked 4 years for a measly live, but a grossly unprepared one? i could not permit.
- the workouts: filled with anxiety not knowing what comes next due to the pandemic, i decided to work out. a lot. it became an hour everyday then getting a fitness watch, watching my weight, using myfitnesspal, and daily instagram stories, i got considerable attention for it i even kept a small IG page for awhile. filled my head with much needed endorphins and activity. i wanted the VS Angel body. and i did get it(@rob.triestobefit) . gradually i tapered off to a healthier schedule and less intense. i felt like my bones and joints needed it, and i wanted to enjoy it. so i tried yoga, dance fitness, freeletics, weights, bodyweights, until i finally settled on a routine i actually kept.
- the online internship : with no choice but to continue training, internship online started early August. it was weird and felt like attending a less intense medical school lecture via Zoom. it did give me a chance to study the management better. though i miss the work i used to do and the involvement in patients’ lives i used to have
- the habit building : i read james clear’s Atomic habits and put it to work, stringing along good habits for an average of 66 days. i used my white board and made 66 boxes, i accounted for my progress in a discord server, and after that it was meditation. then duolingo ( though i fell off the wagon with this one). it was a very fruitful endeavor and a great read. right now im stringing in journaling before sleeping, right after reading stoicisim again. tracked my progress through journaling in Notion.
- the books i read: atomic habits, the daily stoic, the marshmallow test, the next door millionaire (current read!), Meditations + fiction, these books spoke to me. i felt like i was rebuilding myself after time i spent in medical school. i learned to make peace with my life and my emotions, to build a wealth mindset, and how to start and maintain a habit. in hindsight these were the most fruitful things i have always wanted to do. and im glad i did
-the studying : i decided to prepare for the board exams and maybe gun for a good board rating as well. my schedule of studying took the spotlight for these and i must admit they did help a lot during my internship. but i keep falling off, getting bouts of activity and laziness in the middle of it all. i joined a study discord and it did help me maintain some focus and i met new friends who were productivity minded. i must admit i havent done much in this area.
re-reading this small entry i feel like, “hey, thats not bad? considering how long you’re still stuck at home”. maybe it wasnt so bad for me.
and maybe ill write here more frequently? even its just for myself now.
