how do i become someone who can let go?
who can see things that bother me and not react?
except, having written that out, why would i want that?
i feel explosive.
i hold on to things too tight, too close to heart
too quickly. so deeply i expect -?
i dont know. the same.
keep me nearby. give me discussion. let us disagree and argue and grow and exist together.
tell me your perspective because i want to understand. your thoughts and feelings and opinions and ideas of solutions or compromises, if needed.
i'm not saying i'm perfect, that i've always succeeded at this. or even that i will in the future. but i'm trying my hardest and i can't do it alone.
i've said that a lot lately
"i cant do it alone"
and maybe that's a fault, one of many. i know.
i talk too much, or too little, or wrong. i want for so much but never take second steps. i focus too hard on details that don't matter. i'm too quick to give up when it's below perfection. i get too overwhelmed. i take things too deep. i never let go. i never move on. i'm stuck in the past and the could be's and the why's and the what if's and if i's.
and i hold it so close and at some point i explode. and i throw things and i yell and i want to break my bones or the table or the walls or the glass with my hand.
and i hate it. i hate that everything sets me on edge. that everything feels like so much weight on errored-out scale. and maybe i never knew which things warrant a response. and usually i know it'll make things worse.
but why is that fair? what am i supposed to do? why do you get to say shit and i don't? if things effect me, are happening around me, are happening about me, why am i not allowed to react? to intervene, to complain, to prevent, to question? if i am knowledgeable, if i am 'in charge', if i am there, why do you get to question?
why is it always that i didn't do enough? that i could have tried harder. that i should have done this instead, when i had no idea- but i should have, i guess. why am i never allowed to defend myself? to simply say "this was my experience"
why is no one willing to give that back? is that not the core of humanity relationships life everything? why am i met with walls on every side? it's "it just is" "i just know" "i don't want to talk about (the issue at fucking hand)" how do you love forward?
my dad legit cannot have a conversation and takes everything as an attack and only hears what he wants out of you, he contradicts himself and wishes to end everything in violence. my boyfriend agrees to whatever i say and gives little input on real life. i don't know if i have a friend bc they like to ignore issues they have with a person until they decide they're done but sometimes not always and long story short i blocked fhem but im pretty sure theyre still looking at my tumblr lol dont know what the fuck im supposed to take of thst man. my mom will talk but doesn't let herself understand, she ignores and deflects and thinks she can mediate every situation and please everyone and be a martyr. my brother is a kid, he'll learn. almost all of my uncles think they're the epitome of hard working american men and no one can doubt a word they say ever.
im tired idk anymore im just really over people i guess 🤷♂️
lowkey wanna find myself some 3rd shoft highpaying miracle job and run away with my son and my pets and my items and we can be little hermits who take feild trips to cool places and outdoorsy things.
