Just A Music Nerd

A Music fan that knows a bit too much

[papayafromtv]

i’m all for the angst potential of Dick Grayson being the one kid that Bruce never legally adopted and rather just kept as a ward and that causing insecurities for Dick, but at the moment all i can think about is how much funnier it would be if it was the complete other way round regarding who felt rejected about the whole thing. Tim and Damian find out Dick isn’t a legal adoptee of Bruce Wayne and rally to ‘have their brother’s back’ and go to confront Bruce on the matter, and Jason’s next to him when it happens and he starts crying laughing while Bruce just gets a really uncomfortable look on his face.

Jason, losing his mind: you think- you think BRUCE excluded DICK?! no no no bubba, it’s the other way around,

Bruce: *looking at the ground intently*

Damian: i don’t understand. why did Father not adopt Grayson then?

Jason, genuinely struggling to breathe: he- he tried- *high pitched, now on his hands and knees on the floor to wheeze* Dick- god this is my favourite story ever- Dick didn’t want him-

Tim and Damian:

Tim and Damian: what.

Bruce, blushing slightly: it wasn’t that he didn’t want me, we were just in different places in the relationship,

Jason: *wheezes*

Bruce: Jason shut up.

Tim: i don’t understand.

Jason: he- he asked Dick if he wanted to be adopted, and Dick looked him right in the fucking eyes and went ‘nah, thanks.’ and walked away,

Damian: …are you being serious?

Bruce: he didn’t want anybody to take a legal role that could replace his parents, which is fully understandable and i respect it completely; he’s my child regardless of the legal specifics,

Jason: *dry heaving on the floor*

Bruce: …though it did sting a little bit when i told him ‘you know in my heart you are my son, right?’ and he looked at me and said ‘yeah.’ and nothing else.

Jason: *painful wheeze*

Bruce, starting to get slightly indignant: …-it’s also just slightly awkward whenever people come up to me and bring it up- all ‘why don’t you adopt Dick, don’t you want to?’ and then they list off all the benefits of legally adopting him and i have to stand there staring at them thinking ‘yeah i fucking agree.’

Tim and Damian:

Tim: i’m starting to think we’ve struck a nerve here,

Bruce: -you know i really poured my heart into that ‘i want to adopt you’ speech—had a powerpoint and everything, told him i loved him, basically got down on one knee with the contract. and this little shit stared me in the face wearing my fucking hand-me-downs, and was like ‘i think we should just be friends’ like how in the hell-

Jason, weakly from the floor: god i’m- please, i’m in pain,

Tim and Damian: *awkwardly watching Bruce rant while Jason cries on the floor next to him*

Tim and Damian:

Damian: this may have been a mistake-

Tim: does this mean that Jason being adopted was basically just Dick breaking up with Bruce and Bruce being so heartbroken that he went and rebounded with the first kid he found on the nearest street corner?

Bruce: *pauses rant*

Bruce:

Bruce: WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP SAYING THAT?

Jason: *starts laughing even louder*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 85 (masterpost here)

*wrapper crunching* *straw slurping*

Dick, absently: moon's pretty tonight.

Damian: *grunt of affirmation*

Bruce: don't get too comfortable; we have two hours until the shipment drops, this is just a temporary break.

Dick: *dramatic groan*

Jason: -can you just for once live in the fucking moment? we have burritos. we're all here together. shut the fuck up.

Bruce, bemused: i'm just warning you against getting too bloated before the mission, chum. i don't want you to get an upset stomach.

Damian: he's calling you fat, by the way.

Dick: *snort*

Bruce: i'm not- i'm not calling you-

Jason: you are though, you're fully calling me fat,

Bruce, resigned: Hood,

Tim, suddenly: -you know what i realised earlier?

*a beat*

Dick, laughing slightly: alright, Tim's just- Tim's just in his own world,

Bruce: don't be mean, and we're still on patrol here. no names. what did you realise?

Tim: i was just thinking about how Jason and Dick are the only two of us that had to find out that Bruce was Batman.

Bruce, sighing heavily: names,

Damian, dry: Father there is nobody within fifty feet of us.

Jason, ignoring him: whaddaya mean?

Tim: like. i figured it out myself and knew before i ever became Robin. Damian's known from birth because it wasn't ever a secret in the league; of the official Wayne kids, you two are the only ones that had to actually be told and 'find out'. Dick, you were told after you were taken in, right?

Dick: *humming* actually, he tried to keep it from me at first.

Tim: he did?

Jason: oh that's right. 'cause you were taken in by Bruce Wayne; i was taken in by Batman. you found out Bruce was Batman, i had to find out that Batman was Bruce.

Bruce: was there really much of a difference? and Nightwing, you found out literal days after i brought you home.

Dick: yeah but not because you told me.

Damian: how did you find out?

Dick, dismissive: oh i just watched him walk into his clock and disappear and decided to follow him. he was not that great at hiding. i'm pretty sure he forgot i was in the building.

Bruce: i did not forget you were in the building—you were my ward, Dick, i knew you would have to know about the Batcave eventually.

Tim: how did you react? were you freaked out?

Dick: honestly it was so long ago i barely remember not knowing, my memories are all fuzzy and mixed up. B, do you remember?

*shifting*

Bruce, considering: you were pretty excitable; especially once you realised i was looking into your parents’ murder. i'd been getting worried about you beforehand, because you were starting to act out quite a bit, and Alfred said you didn't seem to have any outlets to let out your anger, so it seemed like a positive opportunity to let you run around a bit.

Dick: yeah, i remember laughing a lot...

Bruce: kind of 'maniacally'.

Jason: *snorts*

Dick: that tracks.

Bruce, humming in interest: to be honest, i think between the two of you, Jaylad had the best reaction.

Jason, confused: i did?

Bruce, bemused: do you not remember what you said?

Jason: no?

Tim: this is something that B found funny? ok see now i'm interested.

Damian: i actually don't know much about how you were acquired by Father.

Jason, snorting: 'acquired'.

Dick, gleeful: fuckin' great story. all round favourite, by far. good memories.

Jason,dryly: you hated me back then.

Dick: times change, littlewing.

Tim: how did the whole reveal thing happen, then?

Bruce: well i took him home pretty much instantly after meeting him, because it was clear that he didn’t have anywhere else to stay, and i guess i… saw a little bit of myself in him.

Tim: aw,

Jason: eugh.

Dick, brightly: s’ a fun way to say you picked up a strange young boy off the street and dragged him to your weird creepy mansion.

Bruce, exasperated: why must you put a perverted spin on everything i do?

Dick: because it’s how i show my love~

Jason: *snickers*

Damian: surely part of the responsibility lies with Jason, for being confronted by an ominous strange man who offered to take him home, and deciding to just go with it.

Jason: oi- don’t you victim blame.

Damian: well why the hell did you agree?? you didn’t know him.

Jason: i dunno. i figured there were three options, one: he’s genuine and i’m about to live out Annie as the main character, two: he thought i was a child hooker and young-Jason was bouta get paid,

Bruce: jesus.

Jason: or three: he’s a child murderer, upon which- listen i was a bit of a delusional child. like, i thought i could steal Batman’s tires. i fully thought if he tried to kill me that i could just kick him in the nuts and then dart off with a great new story to tell people.

Dick, in wonder: you just did not have any sense of self preservation,

Jason: i had self preservation—i was just tired and he caught me on a bad day, so i didn’t give a shit.

Bruce, cutting in: well- whatever the reason, it was one of the best decisions i ever made, so i’m happy it turned out well.

Jason, amused: mhm, mhm, go on.

Bruce: well to get back on topic; i brought you back to the Batcave and we discussed you spending a few nights to see how you felt, and Alfred came down so i could discuss with him how to go about fostering you and you got to meet him, and then after he left you asked me ‘if that was my carer and if Batman was really just a mentally disabled man that kept dressing up and escaping home’.

Dick: *gleeful cackles*

Jason: alright that does- *wheeze* that does ring a bell,

Tim, casual: you are such an asshole, man.

Jason, very happy: i know.

Bruce: after that i had to explain what was above the Batcave, which obviously revealed my identity,

Jason: i was kinda- i mean, i don’t remember specifics, but i was quite calm about it all, wasn’t i? i don’t remember freaking out.

Bruce: you were, but to be fair you’d already gotten in a car with a stranger and let me take you to the cave under my house, so i think if you suddenly then regained the ability to have appropriate reactions to things, that would be concerning.

Jason: …point.

Bruce: do you remember what you said to me after i explained my identity?

Jason: no?

Bruce: …*amused sigh* you calmly listened while i explained, reacted with nothing, and then you just started echoing what i’d told you.

Jason: right…?

Bruce: you told me, ‘so Batman is Bruce Wayne.’ and i said yes,

Dick: mhm,

Bruce: and then you said, ‘and Nightwing is Dick Grayson’,

Jason: yeah.

Bruce: and then you cocked out a hip, pointed up at the entrance to the manor, and you said ‘and i’m guessing Alfred Pennyworth is the Riddler, because ‘he just has a British accent’ my ass, that old bitch was talking in code.’

Tim: *starts laughing*

Jason: …DID I?!?!

Dick: *wheeze* you- you don’t remember?

Jason: NO?!

Bruce, fond: i remember. i told Alfred after you went to bed that night. i told him that was the moment i knew you were gonna be my kid.

Tim: *wheeze* you know- you know Alfred always told me that Jason was the most difficult when he first came to the manor, and i always thought that was weird because everybody else says Dick was way worse. but now- *wheeze*

Damian: -now it makes sense. you made him an enemy after your first interaction.

Jason: I DON’T REMEMBER SAYING THIS?!?! -i mean- *snort* i’ll take credit, that’s fucking funny, but still. did i have that much trouble with his accent!?!

Bruce: i don’t think it was that you couldn’t understand him; Alfred just has a very traditional and olden-style British accent, and you apparently had been friends with a couple modern-British kids that lived in the alley, because you always used to argue with me after Alfred left the room that ‘they didn’t sound like that’.

*a beat*

Bruce: it really used to bug you for some reason.

Dick, cackling: NO I- NO I REMEMBER- I DO REMEMBER- fuck, Jay, do you not remember one of your conspiracy theories back then was that Alfred wasn’t actually British?! you thought he was fucking lying.

Jason: …holy shit i actually do.

Tim: *wheezes* oh my god,

Bruce: you accepted it eventually, but it took you a while to get there with him.

Dick, eager: i don’t wanna- i don’t wanna hear shit from people about me being difficult when i first got taken in; Jason showed up and instantly started fighting with the sixty year old about how his fucking voice sounds,

Jason, laughing incredulously: i mean- i mean it is a very stereotypical old-english accent?!?! i didn’t think those existed anymore.

Damian: and yet your favourite book genre is old english classics?

Bruce: i think that was what got him to drop it, actually. there was an evening where Alfred read a Jane Austen book out loud to him, and afterwards he came into my bedroom to shake me awake and tell me ‘ok i get it now’.

Dick: *loud wheeze*

Tim, struggling not to laugh: -because the matter was just that important, that he had to wake you- *cackles*

Jason, amused: listen- listen this was clearly a point of great stress for young Jason,

Damian: you weren’t stressed about being taken home by a strange man in a bat costume but the guy’s butler’s accent being too theatrical—that freaked you out?

Jason: i- *wheeze*

Bruce: you were a very fun child to have around, Jaylad. i’ll give you that.

Dick: does Alfred agree with that sentiment?

*a beat*

Bruce: he loves you now, that’s all that matters.

Tim and Dick: *lose it*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 81 (masterpost here)

*connecting ping*

Jason: i spy, with my little eye, a little Robin that is slacking off,

Tim: the fuck...?

Damian: wait what- where are you?

Jason: ten o'clock, two buildings over.

Damian: *a slight pause* oh you stalker, what are you doing out of the alley?

Jason: catching you lacking, apparently.

Tim: the hell is going on over there?

Jason, amused: kid's hidin' behind an AC unit so he can ditch patrol and go on his phone.

Damian, pointedly: that's not what i'm doing, actually, so you can mind your own business,

Tim: you're not even supposed to have your civilian phone on you during patrol, it's a security risk. and where the fuck did B go?

Jason: oh he's in this call, he's just got us on mute.

Damian: he was questioning a couple gang members so i left. he'll notice soon, i'm sure, just like he'll soon notice his phone is missing.

Tim: his phone?

Jason: oh my god you stole Batman's phone- hold on, i'm coming over there, hold on.

Damian: well he didn't listen to his own rules regarding the subject, so i figured he deserved to suffer at least a little bit.

*wind whooshing* *boots against concrete*

Jason: *laughs* holy shit you have his actual phone-!

Tim, admiring: how did you get it unlocked?

Damian: i have a note in my own phone with all of your passwords written down from when i look over your shoulders and memorise them.

Tim: what-

Jason, amused: what are you doing with it?

Damian: well i was just going to hide it and make him experience supreme anxiety by thinking his personal possession is lost somewhere in the streets of Gotham, but he's been annoying me lately so i've kind of been doing... this.

*a beat*

Jason: *wheeze* NO WAY,

Tim: wait what- what's he done?!

Damian: i've been doing this for a while, actually. i just delete the evidence afterwards so he can't find out.

Jason: *weeping* you- you've done this before...?

Tim: WHAT'S HE DONE?

Jason, struggling to keep composure: he's- he's texting people as Bruce--he's text Clark,

Tim: what?! what's he said?

Jason: he- *wheeze*

Damian, slightly amused: do you want me to read it out?

Jason, weakly: please,

Damian: i, uh- *amused throat clear* i found a photo on the internet of a close-up on some man's inner thigh, showing a mole. it's not indecent in any way, it's just... slightly too intimate.

Jason: *wheezes again*

Damian, over him: -but it matches Father's body type, so i sent it to Superman. and then i said 'do you think i should get this checked or just see what happens? it's new, which i know might be concerning, but Batman's survived way worse than a mole, right?'

Jason, high-pitched, crying: -so weird,

Tim, incredulous: ...WHY????

Damian: i told you; because he can be annoying.

Jason: *still laughing*

Tim: yes but why THAT specifically?!

Damian: well that's the game, isn't it? it has to be odd, but not such a red flag that Kent instantly thinks Father's phone has been hacked. weird, but in an abstract way. it also needs to be enough of a none-issue that i can delete the interaction off this phone before i slip it back into Father's pocket and Kent won't think it's alarming enough to bring up again.

*brief pause*

Tim, in disbelief: dude, why have- why have you thought this out so much- how many times have you done this?!

Damian, sighing in consideration: well, when i first came to Gotham i had a few anger issues, i guess--inherited from biological donor number three, i'm sure,

Jason: -i resent that-

Damian: -and this was a good way to let off some steam without being grounded for attempting to kill anybody. when i first started i had to be careful, because Kent had a very specific view of Father. but over time i believe i've desensitised him somewhat.

Jason: do you just text Uncle Clark every time?!

Damian: no, i don't always attempt to embarrass Father. sometime i just use him as a medium to make other people suffer.

Tim, horrified: please tell me you've never texted me as Bruce.

Damian: no, i've never needed to, we have the fight pact. when you piss me off i just fight you.

Jason: healthy.

Damian: i got Dick pretty bad, though.

*connecting ping*

Dick: B, i need you.

Jason: speak of the devil.

Tim: oh he's been muted for the past like, twenty minutes. you need back up?

Dick: oh, no, i just needed to remember the name of one of my old middle school teachers and thought he'd know because it's really pissing me off that i can't remember it.

Jason: the fuck do you need to know that for?

Dick: brain-worm. anyway, what are we on over here?

*silence*

Damian: nothing important.

Tim: no fuck off- Damian's stolen Bruce's phone and he's texting people pretending to be him 'to make people suffer'.

Damian: Timothy i will fucking fight you.

Dick: -YOU HAVE HIS PHONE?! that's fucking hysterical, who's the target?

Jason: *pointed* currently, Uncle Clark. but he's not the only- hooly shit Clark's typing. he's typing- he's fucking typing.

Tim: oh my god,

*silence*

Jason: *abrupt cackling* NO FUCKING- *wheeze* NO WAY-,

Damian: oh my god- oh my god wait,

Tim: what the fuck did he say?!

Jason: *still cackling*

Dick: YOU CAN'T LEAVE US LIKE THIS!

Jason, struggling to breathe: GOD- Uncle Clark is the best on earth,

Tim: THE FUCK DID HE SAY?!

Jason: he- *wheeze* he's said- *cough* 'it doesn't seem abnormal, however if you'd feel more comfortable with a friend rather than a doctor then i could always x-ray the spot next time i see you to check for any growths underneath the skin.'

Tim: GOD, HE'S SO NICE?

Jason: *cackles*

Dick: what the fuck did you tell him!?!

Damian: all i did was send a photo of Father's new thigh mole.

Jason, crying: oh god- i love him,

Damian: sh, sh, i'm trying to concentrate,

Jason: what are you- WHAT ARE YOU RESPONDING? HE'S RESPONDING AGAIN.

Tim: Dami- *wheeze* Damian,

Damian: *snickering* ok how about that?

Dick: read it out read it out read it out.

Jason: uh- 'i think that would be helpful for the next JL meeting, but if you could-' *long, painful wheeze*

Tim: WHAT?

Jason: *not breathing*

Damian, calmly: 'but if you could do it discreetly, without me having to be pulled aside; i'd rather not cause speculations about why we would need to meet privately. you can just do it during the meeting.'

Jason: *whimpering*

Dick: oh, my, fuck.

Tim, struggling to keep his voice level: w-wait, so he's- so at the next Justice League meeting Clark is just gonna be there subtly trying to- *wheeze* trying to stare at Batman's inner thighs,

Jason, through choked weeps: -just on his own special little mission,

Tim: his own- *collapses into laughter*

Dick: Damian that's- that's fucking diabolical.

Tim: dude what does Bruce even do to you to deserve this stuff?!

Damian: yeah i should- i should probably clarify that i do love my father,

Dick: *instant cackle*

Damian: like i- *slight wheeze* i do- it might not seem like i like him,

Jason, crying: i can't- oh my god my side hurts,

Damian: i do love him, i just- sometimes he's a hypocrite, and he needs this.

Tim, matter-of-factly: God sent you to test this man, he knew- God knew that somebody needed to check Batman before he rose to complete power, so he cobbled together all of our essences and poured it into a new vessel to keep him firmly grounded on earth, and that vessel is you,

Jason, still laughing: that's true- when i was up there i had a private conference with the guy just like 'you know he's starting to get out of control, right? i was doing my best but the Joker got me, so what's the plan?' and God was like 'don't worry, Jason. i have plans. you have been chosen to bring my prophecy to fruition. like Mary with Jesus, you will bring fourth a solution.' and the solution was this.

Tim: *cackle*

Damian: not even close to the worst thing i've done to anybody with this phone, by the way. what i did to Dick was objectively way worse.

Dick, laughter stopping abruptly: -wait what?

Jason: yeah what did you do to Dick?

Dick: YOU'VE DONE THIS TO ME?!

Damian: ...you're joining from Bludhaven, right?

Dick: w-?!?! YEAH? WHY?

Damian: ok then that's far enough away for me to tell you.

Tim, amused: holy shit what'd you do?

Damian: he annoyed me. he promised to take me to the museum, and then he cancelled so he could go on a date.

Dick: you- YOU SAID YOU WERE FINE WITH THAT.

Damian: i lied. so i text you from Father's phone and told you that for the medical files in the Batcave it was imperative that you provide a recent and up-to-date record of your sexual history and amount of partners you've had overall. we argued about it for a while, but eventually i wore you down and you agreed to put one together.

Dick: WHAT.

Jason: *loud cackles, increasing in pitch*

Tim, in awe: holy fuck.

Dick, genuinely distressed: DAMIAN- I GAVE THAT RECORD TO HIM IN PERSON,

Jason: *abruptly deflates* Y-HES, OH MY GOD YES CHILD,

Dick: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK- THAT WASN'T HIM?!! OH MY GOD HE WAS SO CONFUSED WHEN I HANDED HIM IT--HE LOOKED AT ME SO WEIRDLY,

Jason: *losing his complete shit*

Dick: DAMIAN!

Damian, unapologetic: next time remember bros before hoes, what can i say.

Dick: THAT'S NOT AN EQUAL REACTION. WHAT THE FUCK.

Bruce: interrogation complete; Robin where have you disappeared off to?

Dick: I'M GOING TO END YOU DAMAIN-

Tim: *wheezes* you might have- you might have missed a few things, B.

Bruce: i wasn't even muted for that long- what's going on here?

Dick: I'M KILLING YOUR ONLY BIOLOGICAL SPAWN, THAT'S WHAT.

Tim, morbidly curious: i've actually never seen Dick this mad at Damian before, this is kinda impressive.

Jason: *struggling to breathe* no- no kid come here- *wheeze* i'm gonna- i'm gonna- come here, let daddy protect you, i'm so proud of you kiddo,

Damian: yeah i'm sticking with you for the next few days. keep Grayson away from me.

Jason: i love you more than anything, habibi, i got your back,

Bruce: what on earth-

Dick: FUCKING- JASON? HE NEEDS TO HAVE CONSEQUENCES.

Jason: not for this, this is amazing. i'm taking him, we're out. sucks to be you, Goldie.

*2 disconnecting pings*

Dick: *scream of frustration*

*disconnecting ping*

*silence*

Bruce: ...what did Robin do?

Tim: i am... not answering that.

*three seconds of silence*

Bruce: did Hood actually just refer to himself as Robin's 'daddy'?

*a beat*

Tim: um. yeah that's- that's new slang. it's from the- it's a league of assassins youth thing. don't question it.

Bruce: ...i am not touching that.

Tim: good choice.

*silence*

Bruce: shit, where's my phone?

Tim: -i have to go.

*disconnecting ping*

[afterthelambs]

If shuake were in a fairytale, Akechi would be the kind of prince who forces his suitors to fulfill impossible tasks in order to marry him. Riddles and paradoxes like "bring me the moon in a glass" or "find a talking cat" and other unreasonable stuff. He's just being difficult on purpose because he doesn't like any of them. Then Joker comes along and somehow manages to accomplish every single one of his tasks. So Akechi keeps upping the difficulty and begins to actually fall in love with him along the way.

[kingv91]

So basically the plot of the Opera Turandot. Hell of coincidence there, but you’re not wrong.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 78 (masterpost here)

*gunshot*

Jason: yeeeeee~ boi! dude, these guys suck.

Bruce: Hood, *grunt, harsh impact* just focus, please.

Jason: wa-wah wah, you’re always so against mid-fight chatter. we’re winning, aren’t we? anyway, what were we talking about?

Tim: *yelp* sHIT- man i hate when the bad guys get creative with weapons. fuck you for bringing hairspray and a lighter, you asshole.

Damian: i believe we were talking about whether Robin was ‘worth it’.

Jason: oh yeah. what’s your verdict?

Damian: well for me? yes. if i wasn’t Robin, then i wouldn’t have been present and capable of supplying this man with a lighter so he could throw fire at Red Robin.

Tim: ROBIN-

Bruce, sternly: Robin.

Jason, over more gunshots: *laughing* ok what about you, Replacement? was Robin what you wanted it to be?

*crashing, groans of pain*

Tim, panting: eh-? oh, no, not even close. i thought i’d get to rescue so many more bullies than i did.

Damian: …what?

Jason: yeah, elaborate.

Bruce: i need somebody on my six, Robin get over here. Hood, can you and Red Robin get to the hostages?

Jason: yeah yeah- sh, hold on. whaddaya mean save more bullies?

Tim: well… *gunshot* jesus- *punching sound* you know, it’s like that common trope in teen superhero movies? the bullied kid gets powers, becomes a hero, and then in-mask rescues their high school bully from a villain to show that they are stronger both physically and morally. i wanted that moment, but i never fucking got it, and it really pissed me off.

Damian, slightly strained: you are a very strange boy, you know that?

Tim: shut up, you literally grew up in a cult.

Jason, amused: *snickering* are you- so are you saying you got bullied in high school?

Tim, bland: yeah. lotta people thought i was a peeping tom because of the camera hyperfixation, so ‘peeping Tim’ was a common nickname back then.

Jason: *cackle*

Damian, absently: ‘thought you were a peeping tom?

Jason: *cackling harder*

Tim: *outraged* NO?!?

Bruce, hissing: no names in the mask—we are in the middle of a mission!

Jason, still laughing: calm down, me and peeping Tim over here are alone, we haven’t made it to the hostages yet.

Tim: SHUT UP. I WAS NEVER A PEEPING TOM, OH MY GOD, I JUST LIKED TAKING PHOTOS OF VIGILANTES DOING COOL FLIPS IN THE AIR-!

Damian: i have seen photos of Hood shirtless during his Robin days.

Tim: *sputtering*

Jason: *laughing even harder*

Tim: how is it my fault that this idiot got his top splashed with acid mid-photo?!!?!

Jason: i take it- i take it back, i’m no longer surprised you got bullied, this is awesome.

Tim, whining: shut up!

Damian: honestly Red, a single nickname does not seem that bad. i have witnessed much worse. i have done much worse.

Tim: oh no, i got beaten up a bunch too.

Jason: tracks.

Bruce: Robin, what do you mean you’ve done much worse?

Damian, completely serious: it’s Gotham public school, Father. it’s kill or be killed.

*a beat*

Bruce: …you don’t go to public school.

Damian: …i don’t? it’s a school built in a public area, isn’t it?

*another beat*

Bruce: ok, you don’t know what a public school is.

Jason: Red i hope you know i’m literally never letting the peeping Tim thing go, like ever.

Tim: honestly? not the worst name i got called. i skipped a couple grades and made the mistake of carrying a briefcase once.

Jason: …so?

Tim: i got called Young Sheldon so much that the school counseller thought i’d transitioned and Tim was my deadname.

*another beat*

Jason: *abrupt breathless cackles* OH MY- OH MY GOD THAT’S SO GOOD- *choking wheeze*

Tim, dry: yeah thought you might like that.

Jason, still losing it: WHERE’S MY- FUCK I NEED TO TEXT DICK- *more wheezing*

Tim: i hate having older brothers.

Damian: you did literally give him this yourself,

Tim, whining: -i know! i forget how much of an asshole they both can be.

Damian: so you never got to save any bully from a rogue?

Tim, forlorn: no. one of my old bullies ended up working for Scarecrow, though?

Damian: *interested hum*

Tim: yeah, but apparently he got drunk and sucked on a pipe of fear gas thinkin’ it was helium. had a panic attack and broke his legs jumping into Gotham harbour.

Bruce: i would like to circle back to Robin claiming to be a bully.

Damian: i only beat up those who deserve it!

Bruce: son, you shouldn’t be beating up anybody. you don’t have the right to decide who deserves to be physically assaulted, you should know this.

*a long stretch of silence*

Damian, blandly: uh-huh. your knuckles are bruised. *pointedly* did i do a good job watching your six?

Jason: *quietly snickering again*

Bruce: …that’s… dif-

Damian: no you took too long. you lose.

Tim: he’s right, that is how that works.

Bruce: … *sigh*

Jason: yo, shelly, i found the hostages,

Tim: Jason i swear to god-

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 76 (masterpost here)

Bruce: Robin, stop stalling, we need to get back in the air.

Damian: can we not stay down here for a few more minutes? one of the workers of the food truck just told me they'd give me a free hot chocolate.

Dick, dryly: well thank heavens they won't charge you, because you know we're running low on cash.

Jason: *snicker*

Bruce: shut up, both of you. and Robin, you know you aren't supposed to take food or drink from civilians on patrol. who knows who those people might be working for? they could drug anything they give you.

Damian: *thoughtful hum* ...i accept those terms.

*a beat*

Bruce, baffled: what terms?

Damian, innocently: the terms that in exchange for a free hot chocolate i must roll the dice on being drugged. i view this as a fair exchange.

Jason: *laughing again*

Bruce: Robin- *abruptly cutting himself off* Red Hood, knock it off or i'll have you moved from this line. Robin, you cannot act as if being drugged isn't a big deal, it isn't funny.

Damian: but it isn't a big deal. do you know how many times i've been drugged, Father? by allies, enemies, friends, foes; it's not rare in the life i lead.

Bruce: *concerned* what.

Dick, curious: Robin, you're fourteen. what 'friends' do you have that are drugging you?

Damian: well off the top of my head; Hood once gave me weed.

Bruce, voice dropping three octaves: excuse me?

Jason: ay aY AY AY- UNDER THE TERMS THAT YOU DON'T FUCKING SNITCH ON ME?!?!?!?! ROBIN?!?!

*a beat*

Dick: well, there goes your pass at deniability.

Damian: ...ah, right. apologies, Father. i was mistaken. i have never been drugged by a friend. a brother, on the other hand,

Jason: WHAT DID I DO TO YOU.

Damian, instantly: -broke my phone charger trying to strangle Red Robin.

Jason: ... *resigned* ...ok yeah.

Bruce, through gritted teeth: Red Hood. meet me back at the cave. now.

Jason: oh shut up- i own the iceberg lounge, you twat. i've seen you snort coke off a Pitbull impersonator's bald cap.

Bruce: JASON FUCKING TODD-

Jason: -jESUSOKFUCK I'M GOING-

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 17 (masterpost here)

*Alfred walking into the dining room to see Jason hunched over a laptop with Dick and Tim crowded around his shoulders*

Dick, pointing at the screen: ok, ok- that one's mine, follow that one. and then Tim; you need to follow everybody but Bruce.

Tim: *tapping at his phone*

Jason: Tim, what's your handle?

Tim: *still tapping* hm? oh- just 'real tim drake' with capitalisation on all the words.

Dick: what are you doing?

Tim: i have access to the WE twitter account, so i'm gonna follow Jason from it to see if i can fast-track his checkmark.

Alfred, narrowing his eyes at them: what are you three doing?

Jason, grinning brightly at him: oh, hey Alfie! we're just setting up my social media, that's all.

Alfred:

Alfred: didn't your father specifically warn you not to attempt to put Master Jason on public social media so soon after his reintroduction to the public?

Dick, without blinking: yup.

Tim: we're gonna have Jason start a public war with B through the WE account.

Dick, looking back at the laptop: are you tweeting already?

Jason: yeah. 'they tried to silence me for speaking the truth when i was a child, and i made it back just fine. i'm not gonna give up on spreading awareness now; you all deserve to know the truth.' just to get everybody interested.

Tim: what are you even gonna say? i'll re-tweet it from my account and the WE one.

Jason: i dunno, the whole point is just to spread chaos and make B look bad, right?

Dick: maybe just something weird to start off with; get everybody's attention.

Jason, lighting up: ohmygod i have it-!

*keyboard tapping*

Tim, reading out from the screen: 'Bruce had to send me out the country to silence me because when i was fourteen i walked in on him and Lex Luthor naked while Bruce licked the top of Lexes bald head'.

Dick: JASO- *falls to the floor, wheezing*

Tim, desperately trying to hold back laughter: oh my god,

Alfred: *starting to get concerned*

Jason: this way i can piss off Bruce and get Lex Luthor involved. genius, right?

Dick: *crying*

Tim: WAIT OH MY GOD--i have to respond from the WE account pretending to be Bruce.

Jason, clapping: YES,

Tim: i'm gonna say something like 'i just let you back into the country, why are you doing this to me?'

Jason, cackling: YES. man, i love being alive again,

Alfred, flatly: boys, i don't think this is a very good- *resigned* oh who am i kidding, you aren't my legal responsibility,

Alfred: tea, anybody?

Dick, from the floor: i'm gonna tweet that i'm so proud of my little brother for outliving his NDA requirements and then @ you.

Alfred:

Alfred: *heavy sigh*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 77 (masterpost here)

*heavy rain downpour*

Damian: -my point is, gothamites are completely delusional when it comes to their pride in being from Gotham. you weirdos are way too smug about being from this shithole of a city and it comes off like that arrogant family with no shame that thought being from the south effected their personality.

Dick, confused: ...arrogant family from the south?

Jason: no shame-? do you fucking mean the family from the TV show Shameless? set on the south side of Chigaco?

Damian: yes.

Dick: *wheeze* arrogant family with no shame from the south-!

Jason: who the fuck let this child watch Shameless!? that show is so inappropriate! Robin, what the fuck?!

Damian, dry: Red Robin watches it while i'm in the room. and how can watching anything on that ridiculous television show be worse than what i witness on a nightly basis as Robin?

*pause*

Jason: ...alright fine but i'm still pissed at Red. that fucker's supposed to be a responsible uncle to you.

Dick: did you just say 'uncle'?

Jason, cutting him off: fucking- *frustrated* OK. i cannot see in this fuckass rain, i swear to god i'm going to install a windshield wiper onto the front of this helmet.

Damian: *hum* yes, Nightwing and I have been ducked under a restaurant overhang for the past ten minutes waiting for the worst to subside. a waiter brought us a bread basket.

*water splashing*

Jason: see, Batman didn't offer any of us any fucking consolation bread. he just looked at the weather report and went 'huh, neat, how about that', and then pointed us in the direction of our suits and fucked off to go do his indoor stakeout.

Damian, mournfully: i wish i was as pathetic as Red Robin. then maybe i could break a leg every now and then and get out of patrolling in bad weather...

Dick: are we not going to go back to Hood calling Red Robin your-

Jason: *yelp* *harsh smack* *metal clang* FUCK.

*a beat, Jason groaning lowly*

Damian, solemnly: man down.

Jason: this fucking rain makes these stupid fucking fire escapes so FUCKING slippery,

Dick: are you hurt? do you need us to come help with anything?

Damian: Nightwing, i understand you care for your brother, but please do not make me go back out into the wet to help him. i have a backup dad, it's fine if we lose this one to the elements.

Jason: ok seriously fuck you Damian-,

Dick, exasperated: -wHAT DO YOU MEAN, BACKUP DAD? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

Jason, dead serious: kid let me tell you, if he snitches to B about this, i will kill myself in front of you.

Dick: ok- one, you two really need to stop talking about us all like we aren't in front of you when we are. two; how dare you. i have never snitched to B on anything in my life. that's the first rule in the batkid code and i wrote that damn manual.

*a beat of quiet*

*pattering of rain*

Damian: *loud crunch of a breadstick*

Jason: alright. at least i'm already laying down for it.

Damian, judgemental: you haven't gotten up yet-?

Dick: what is it?

Damian: ...the Red Hood is my Father.

*a beat*

Dick: aha, no.

Jason: *snort* *airily* ah, the first stage of grief.

Dick: you two lie all the time, this is just sloppy. plus, you've already lied to B about being Robin's dad, so. you can't recycle old shit.

Jason: mhm, mhm, mhm, and i usually would agree with you wing-ding m'boy, i would... except i never lied about being Robin's father. i just lied about sleeping with Talia to freak B out and piss her off.

Damian: yes... and while that was a lie, the fact that Hood is of biological paternal relation to me is entirely truthful. that's why Batman's blood tests came up as positive. they both, technically, are direct ancestors to me and thus contributory to my development.

Jason: you know you don't have to use that many scientific words, you can just say you have my eyes.

Damian: it is the result of the biological experimentation that occurred around my birth and throughout my early childhood, Nightwing. we are not lying.

*silence*

*more silence*

Damian: Hood. he's just staring at me. what do i do.

Jason, whining: man, we should have waited until later when we met up, i wanted to see this!

*distant mew*

Jason: oh fuck, a cat. *cat impression* mrow,

Dick: you... Robin... *stage-whispering, audibly tearful* are you- are you saying you're my biological nephew?

Damian: w-

*abrupt pause*

Damian: um.

Damian: i mean- i mean no,

Jason, baffled: -dude you know me and you aren't related, right?

Dick: so you- so you have two dads?! Batman and Red Hood?!

Damian: yes. and please keep saying that exact sentence in public because the misleading wording will no doubt lead to some wonderful civilian speculation.

Jason: hold on- no, no no NO, no public anything--B still doesn't know and he will continue to not know, because i am not fucking dealing with that man attempting to co-parent with me. i'll stick with being the undercover secret dad that acts like a brother 90% of the time, thank you very much.

*silence*

Damian: he is still staring at me.

Dick, whispering: i'm just- oh my god you're my baby brother and my nephew. oh my god.

Damian: you understand this changes nothing about our relationship in any way, right?

Dick: can i be godfather?

Damian: what.

Jason: mmm, i think you have to arm wrestle Tim for it? i dunno, i haven't put anything about it in my will yet.

Damian: what- Hood!

Jason: hey, if i die i need to know that i'm not leaving you with just B, habibi. i need to have a backup secret-dad in place for you.

Damian: what is wrong with this family-

Dick, in awe: i have a nephew.

*faint bell chime, door swinging*

*inaudible mumbles*

Damian: oh, thank you. yes, the bread is delicious.

*more mumbles, slightly hesitant*

Damian: ...no, Nightwing is fine. i can assure you,

*more mumbles*

Damian: ...because he just remembered he's gluten free. actually- do you have an epipen?

Jason: *abrupt cackle*

Dick, snapping back to himself and dropping his voice by at least three octaves: Robin- stop trying to stab me with random needles.

Damian, defensive: it is a proven method of snapping somebody out of shock!

Dick: just because- *voice lowering, furious whispering* just because you're Hood's son doesn't mean you have to act like him!

Jason, observationally: i raised that boy so well.

*distant meow*

Jason: shut the fuck up and get off my chest-

[batsandbirdbrains]

I have a scenario on my mind but I’m also like falling asleep so just bear with me pls

But what if when Robin!Dick meets the other members of the JL when he’s eight and Batman first brings him around to introduce him, there’s a few members who are like instantly kind of mean to him. And it might not even be on purpose, but they don’t get along with Batman, and so now they’re taking it out on Batman’s new kid sidekick. Plus, none of them have ever had a sidekick before, they don’t really know how to treat him in general.

Aside from being like kinda mean to him, they’re also always mean and snippy with Batman. They yell at him a lot. And Bruce is used to it, he mostly ignores it because he knows he rubs people the wrong way.

But Dick is 8 and he’s seeing these adult heroes yell at his new not-dad and get in his face and argue with him, and it scares him.

Fighting crazy goons in Gotham? Dick can handle that no problem. Because they’re bad guys, he expects them to act mean and crazy. But these are heroes, and he thought they were supposed to be nice. They’re supposed to be the good guys.

So he clams up.

He’s chatty and his usual energetic self around people like Superman and Wonder Woman.

But the others? Maybe a couple Green Lanterns, idk Hawkman, some others (bc I don’t want to just single out Hal like I usually do lmao).

Dick gets nervous, and a little scared, and he mostly hides under Bruce’s cape or otherwise clings to him when they’re in the room or if they come over to talk (argue) with Batman.

And as Dick grows older, that fear eventually turns into just straight up hostility. He does not like these people, and Nightwing isn’t afraid to let that be known.

No one knows why Nightwing doesn’t like this specific group of heroes. They eventually figure out he used to be Robin, but that still doesn’t explain it, because they never noticed how much they scared him in the first place.

But it becomes well known that Nightwing just can’t stand these guys. It’s totally baffling. A lot of the younger heroes don’t get it either, because Nightwing is otherwise such a nice, friendly dude.

Then you get some magical deaging shenanigans. And suddenly Nightwing is little maybe 9 year old Robin with no memories past that age. And he’s been fine as they bring him back to the Watchtower, as they explain what’s going on, as they wait for some of the senior JL members to show up to help them figure out what to do to fix this. He’s been chatty and sweet and cracking jokes pretty much the whole time once they told him Batman was on his way.

Then a group of senior JL members walk in, and they see him go rigid. He gets so nervous, and it’s obvious.

First, they think he must be worried about Batman getting upset with him for getting turned back into a kid. Maybe he thinks Batman will be disappointed.

But then he’s scampering off and hiding under Batman’s cape, and they don’t get it. Until they see him peer out from under the cape to lookin the direction of a couple others, and they realize it’s the same guys Nightwing is always snippy with.

Maybe Batman is trying to cheer him up, saying something silly like, “Hey, chum. You’re looking a bit shorter than the last time I saw you,” while kneeling down to hold one arm around Dick’s back.

Dick just clings to him, hiding his face and asking, “Can we go home now?”

And they all see as these grown up heroes start making snide remarks about Nightwing getting turned into a kid, about how he’s acting just like he always used to, saying not so nice things about this child who’s clearly uncomfortable around them.

Maybe everyone start putting the pieces together then.

Maybe when Bruce asks what’s wrong, Dick says something to him along the lines of, “I don’t want them to yell at you again.”

Maybe the last thing Dick remembers about being around the JL was hiding under Batman’s cape while one of those other heroes shouted in Bruce’s face about something mission-related. Dick remembers being scared that they were going to hit him, because these guys all have superpowers, and they’re all really mad, and Bruce is just a normal person. He has fancy gadgets and fancy Batmobiles and a fancy suit, but he’s not super strong or invincible.

They could hurt Bruce, if they really wanted to. Easily. And that scares Dick more than anything.

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 41 (masterpost here)

*fighting noises, grunts and the shwing of metal*

Tim: so me and Robin cleared out our section; want us to head over to you two?

Dick: *harsh impact* *slight chuckle* uh, i don't think this'll take us too long, you guys are good to wait.

Bruce: they're not overly prepared for an attack, that's for sure.

Dick: man, you know you're shit when Batman starts taking the mick mid-fight, *gunshot* oi-!

Damian: so we're just waiting?

Dick: yeah, take a break, Triple-R!

Damian, mumbling: stupid fucking nickname.

Tim: yeah shut up Dick,

Bruce, tired: just because it aligns with an insult doesn't mean you can disregard the no-name rule with Nightwing.

Tim: *snort*

Dick: B, sniper on the balcony- *gunshot* ok never mind he's a shit shot you're good.

Damian: Red, we can do the thing.

Tim: oh- holy fuck you're right,

Damian: you- *already sounding amused* you first.

Tim: ok well don't laugh yet, i haven't even... *trails off*

*fabric shuffling*

Dick, slightly breathless: wait, what are you two doing?

Tim: shut up, we're playing a game. you said take a break.

*thud* *hiss of sympathy*

Bruce: boys, please, we can't keep playing games on patrol-,

Dick: -yeah B might cry.

Bruce: i will not- i'm not going to cry??? just-

Dick: 'sounds close to tears. what are you playing?

Bruce, hissing: Nightwing,

Dick, innocently: hm?

Tim: ok, i'm ready. turn around.

*a beat of silence*

Damian, sounding slightly confused: *garbled, muffled by water* mf 'us a 'ox. wh- *abrupt choke*

Tim: yeah so this is- *snicker* this is my whole thing, this is what i uh, brought...

Damian: *sharp nose exhale*

Tim: he doesn't know i have it.

Damian: *water splatter* *cough*

Tim: HA! YOU LAUGHED!

Damian: *coughing* i did- not laugh, there's a difference.

Tim, incredulous: i HEARD you!

Damian: no no, i spat out my water. there's nothing against that in the rules.

Tim: that's the whole point,

Damian: i didn't laugh, i coughed.

Tim: oh- *indignant* bullshit, you laughed you liar.

Dick: the hell are you two doing? Red??

Tim: it's just a stupid game we thought might be fun where we both sneak the most obscure items we can onto patrol. if you laugh you lose, which you did-

Damian: i'm not gonna laugh at the kettle Pennyworth got imported from London, Drake. don't be a sore loser.

Dick: you brought- how the fuck did you keep that hidden?

Tim: shut up Damian. just do yours, you won't beat me.

Damian, apathetic: uh-huh. drink then, coward.

Dick: well now i kinda wanna know what Robin has...

Bruce, teeth gritted: Nightwing, please focus.

*silence*

Damian: open your eyes.

Tim: *instant water spitting* *choking*

Damian: you fucking- you spat on me you ass,

Tim: *high-pitched* what the- WHAT THE FUCK- *delirious shocked laughter*

Damian: fucking- 'm all wet now,

Tim: *still laughing* holy mother of hell,

Damian: i win, bitch.

Tim: I'M GOING TO- *incredulous* ROBIN!?

Damian: yeah... um. but then i also didn't want to play favourites, so...

*fabric shuffling*

Tim: OH MY- *instant wheeze*

Dick: ok seriously what is going on over there? Red sounds like he's going through anaphylactic shock.

Tim: *audibly struggling to breath*

Damian, calmly: no it's fine.

Tim, through tears: how did you- how did you even decide this was an option...?!

Damian: i play to win.

*distant thomp of boots on concrete*

Jason, distant, through Tim and Damian's coms: hey kiddies, am i late to the party?

Jason, voice dropping three octaves: ok what the fuck is that.

Tim, panting: read the- *wheeze* read the engraving,

Jason: oh. my. god.

Jason: DAMIAN. DAMI- HOLY- *chokes* oh my- WHY DID YOU-

*ping*

Jason, clearer: Bruce come get your son, Bruce come- *wheezes* *through cackles* COME AND GET YOUR SON,

Bruce: ok what on earth is going on up there?

Jason: he's got- *high pitched, delirious* i don't understand- Damian why?

Tim, also crying from laughter: we were playing a game,

Jason: WHAT FUCKING GAME-

Bruce: RED HOOD. I NEED DETAILS.

Jason: he's got- oh my fuck- he's got your parents.

*silence, apart from Jason and Tim's breathy cackles*

Dick: wait what-? i don't understand.

Jason: the ashes- he's got the- he brought Thomas and Martha's ashes on patrol.

Dick: W H A T?

Bruce: ...excuse me?

Jason: *cackles* oh fuck- oh fuck my side hurts,

Tim: *sniffs* i think i cracked a rib.

Bruce: Robin. what are they talking about?

Damian, sombre: i'm sorry father. i thought the family reunion might boost morale.

Bruce: WHAT.

Tim, amidst desperate attempts at breath control: what were you gonna do if you dropped one?

Damian: i mean, ash is not hard to come by. i doubt father would notice.

Bruce: ROBIN LEAVE THEM ALONE, YOU ARE TAKING THEM BACK TO THE MANOR THIS INSTANT.

Damian: hold- hold on father, i hear the ashes whispering to me.

*a beat*

Damian: they want to know why you dropped out of medical school.

Tim and Jason: *loose their collective shit*

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 42 (masterpost here)

Dick: i hate stakeouts so much. it's just waiting for people we already know are problematic, to do more problematic shit. it's like watching Kanye's twitter account.

Jason, mouth full: *crunching* i would rather do that.

Dick: right? also we did not need all four of us for this. it's nice bonding, but why.

Damian: it was this or an overnight fieldtrip with the imbecilic morons in my class.

Jason: *absent hum* and the Replacement just didn't want to be alone with B on patrol.

Dick: that's actually valid,

Tim: do you- can you pass me that water Jay-? thanks. do you know if like- have any of us ever been cancelled? which of us do you think is more likely to get cancelled on twitter?

Damian: you say that like there isn't an actual active murderer among us.

Jason: naw; Dick.

Dick: *snorts*

Jason: wait do you mean as vigilantes? cause' if we're talking vigilante identities then it's Steph. like are you kidding? last week she tried to eat a taco upside down and the whole thing dropped onto a disabled guy in a wheelchair, except she didn't realise he was disabled, she just thought he was sat in a camping chair, so when she noticed she'd dropped food on the guy she just went 'womp womp'.

Dick, laughing: wait- fuck off, seriously?

Jason: yeah dude, i cried laughing.

Damian: that woman needs media training.

Jason: that woman needs a couple margaritas and an open mic night, Day. it would be awesome.

Tim: hold on- why'd you say Dick when you thought I was talking about civilian-wise? Dick's Bruce's first ward, he's like the sweetheart of Gotham; he isn't gonna get cancelled.

Jason: are you kidding me? he's already been cancelled like three times.

Tim: what?

Damian, mystified: what could you have possibly done...?

Jason: *laughs*

Dick: i-... well,

Jason: *laughs harder* *light smacking sound* Dick, tell them- tell them about the racism one,

Dick, now also laughing: shut the fuck up,

Tim: what- Dick... what'd you do?

Dick: i haven't told this story before? how i got cancelled for racism because of Batman?

Damian: w- like as Richard Grayson? because of Batman, not Bruce Wayne?

Dick: yeah, so- *wheeze*

Jason: *devolves into cackles*

Tim: oh here they fucking go again,

Dick and Jason: *start laughing louder*

Tim, indignant: you two- you can't be in a room together for more than three minutes before your fucking- Discowing and Jaybin energy starts up again and you start giggling together like a couple of morons.

Dick, high pitched: no i can- i can do it i promise, just- *cough* *clears throat* ok so, when i was like, nineteen i used to have this joke that i used to use to make fun of Bruce a lot, right? where i'd tell him that him being Batman was just him being so into fucking bats that he half-morphed into his fursona and now he's half-bat-half-human,

Jason: *wheeze*

Dick: yeah so that was my... that was my... reoccurring bit..., and so my thing with that was... i would call him a mutt. like- you know, half human half bat?

Tim, immensely disappointed: *muffled* oh my days,

Dick: yeah, and there was this gala, i guess, where the press caught me on video calling Bruce a mutt; not knowing, of course, that i was referring to Batman and not Bruce. and so- *abrupt laugh* *high pitch* and so-

Jason: *cackles* turning on the morning news the next day was so fun for me, dude. so fun.

Damian: and the media got mad at you?

Dick: yeah, so they said that me calling B a mutt was me using racial slurs and discriminating against him, because i guess 'mutt' is also like, an insensitive way to refer to a person with mixed ethnicity- which, by the way,

Tim, confused: but isn't Bruce...?

Dick, theatrically indignant: -yeah, Bruce is full on white; like, that motherfucker is bimbo sandwich white--no mixes there whatsoever. fucking- next to my seeded wholemeal ass, he looks like fucking Fin Wolfhard in the first episode of stranger things-,

Jason: *wheezes, long and loud*

Dick: -so the fact that i got cancelled for that was insane,

Tim, snickering: what happened, how long did it last?

Dick: i shit you fucking not, the Wayne Enterprises publicist made me post an apology video.

Damian, incredulous: fuck off,

Dick: NO SERIOUSLY- it took like thirty takes because i kept laughing mid take. it didn't help that Bruce literally logged onto his personal twitter after i put it up and fucking replied publicly 'i don't forgive you and you're going back to the circus'.

*crash*

Jason: *weeping uncontrollably* shit my chair,

Dick, also wheezing: you fell you moron-,

Tim: there is NO WAY,

Damian: yeah that doesn't sound like father. he doesn't have the sense of humour.

Tim: Bruce would not fucking do that.

Jason: are you- are you KIDDING?!

Dick: *cackling* yeah- yeah Tim- Tim i hate to break it to you- i hate to- *wheeze*

Jason: *breathless gasps* *smacking sounds*

Damian: why is it that every time you two try to tell us stories it ends with you just having duel asthma attacks while you hit each other in the chest over and over again.

Tim: fucking telling you. Discowing and Jaybin energy.

Dick: *laughter tapering off* *clears throat* sorry, sorry it's just- you guys realise that it was Jason's death that soured Bruce into the type of parent he is now? before Jason beefed it-

Jason, casual: thank you,

Dick: -before he beefed it, Bruce wasn't exactly in a 'dad' mindset. he used to be such an antagonistic little prick. nowadays he's a dad, right? like, he's stupid and emotionally incompetent and kinda strict, but he gives off fatherly energy to all you guys, right? like you two and Duke and Cass and Steph?

Tim: i mean it took him a minute but yeah-

Damian: -could you fucking imagine if he didn't.

Dick: i- *snort* right, yeah, but that only happened because Jason dying effected him so much. when he took me in he was in his twenties and he was really more like... a dickhead older brother that just happened to get custody, rather than a dad.

Jason: yeah and he didn't really learn much with 'raising' Dick. so i felt more like... i have no fucking idea what our dynamic was, honestly. it was like-

Dick: it was like he was the Nani to my Lilo, and then you were Stitch.

Jason: i was- *wheeze*

Dick: yeah- you know what i mean?!?

Jason: *high pitched giggling* i- yeah, yeah kinda, fuck,

Dick: -like you weren't the son he took in; you were the weird thing he kinda had no choice but to house, and then after you wrecked the batmobile a few times he just got fond of you like a dog.

Jason: *cackles* like, weird absent uncle at best. you know the old guy that was supposed to be housing the kids in the lion the witch and the wardrobe?

Dick: OH MY GOD YES.

Damian: ...well it's good to know you were fucked up before the league, akhi.

Tim: -yeah seriously what is the family tree in your twos' heads? what fucking- what psychological disfigurements do you have?

Dick: do you know the amount of stakeouts we'd have to have to go through them all?

Damian: it's honestly a miracle we haven't been banned from four-person stakeouts at this point.

Jason: preach. also i think the guy we're supposed to be watching just picked up a gun- oh he's putting it in his mouth-

*distant gunshot*

*silence*

Jason: MAN,

Dick: AGAIN?!?!?

Tim: i hate this fucking job.

Damian: he had a pet lizard, right?

Jason, disappointed: yeah,

Damian, brutally apathetic: well. can't wait to tell father about my new lizard.

[chaoticbatfam]

Jason: *squinting at phone* Tim: are you. . . Okay?? Dude? Jason: *tears of frustration in his eyes* people, Timmy. People are FAILING AS A CONCEPT, HUMANITY’S DEPRAVITY HAS OUTGROWN ITS CONFINES WITHIN OUR MORALITY AND HOPE FOR A BETTER FUTURE HAS BEEN ECLIPSED BY FEAR OF EHAT WR HAVE BECOME Tim: Damian: he found out people have been getting ai to write fanfics Tim: Tim: honestly . . . that’s an under-reaction if anything Jason: *loudly sobbing* Tim: want me to wage war on ai? Jason: you’d do that for me? Tim: not for free of course, I was unlimited cookies for the next three years Jason: deal

[chaoticbatfam]

God I forgot about this post but yeah. I feel the same way Jason. Tim please save us

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 36 (masterpost here) (league days edition)

*distinct Damian-sounding cackles*

Jason: -yay or nay,

Tim: don't do this to me,

Jason, insistent: yay or nay.

Tim: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Damian: *still cackling* it's not- it's not that hard-,

Tim: YOU DON'T GET TO FUCKING DECIDE THAT. YOU NEVER GET TO FUCKING DECIDE THAT.

Jason: Timothy Jackson Drake, i say this with all the love in my heart; it has been forty five minutes-

Damian: *broken wheeze*

Tim: NO BECAUSE- YOU PUT STAKES ON IT. YOU CAN'T JUST-

*connecting ping*

Tim: -YOU CAN'T JUST GIVE ME STAKES AND THEN ACT LIKE THIS ISN'T WAY MORE STRESSFUL NOW!

Dick: awwww yeee boi we getting steaks after patrol? I'm coming.

Damian: nO- *breaks off into more cackles*

Tim: SHUT THE FUCK UP NIGHTWING.

Dick: ...what the fuck? why am i not allowed to go to dinner with you guys?

Damian: oh my- *wheeze* ohihaveasTITCH-

Jason: we aren't going to dinner, goldie. we're playing league days and RR's mad about it. again.

Tim: I FEEL LIKE YOU GUYS ARE GASLIGHTING ME ABOUT THIS NOT BEING AS FUCKED UP AS IT IS.

Dick: oooooo~ league days! what's the prompt?

Tim: yeah- fuckin let me hear the original prompt again. i need to think.

Jason, bemused: kiddo? floor's yours.

Damian: *delirious giggles* *high pitched* oh shit, ok wait hold on, fuck-,

Dick, absently: oh shit that guy has a gun- ok go ahead i'm listening i'm just-

*gunshot*

Dick: *laughs* *faintly* missed me bitch- *grunt* *fighting noises*

Damian: *clears throat* for my ninth birthday, my grandfather took me on a quest which, as my grandfather planned from the beginning, ended with the CEO of the Totino's pizzaroll brand kissing my boot and offering to give me his pet iguana.

Dick, incredulous: -sorry?

Jason: *uncontrollable wheeze* *muffled* Tim...?

Tim: ok. well saying it a second time didn't fucking make it any saner.

Damian: admittedly this was one of the occasions where even akhi and i were side-eyeing each other like. maybe it's time to get grandfather screened for dementia.

Jason: in my defence, i didn't think he'd take my idea so seriously.

Dick: how was- how was it your idea?? how did this- oh shit- *thud* HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?

Tim: i am no more sure of this than i was forty-five minutes ago.

Dick: AM I NOT GOING TO BE GIVEN CONTEXT FOR- ACK *gruesome squelch*

Damian: the fuck...?

Jason: yeah man that sounded fatal, you good over there wing?

*a beat of silence*

Dick, weakly: *cough* assistance. possible lung pierced. docks. now.

*a beat*

Tim: motherfucker-

Damian, professionally: i'm closest, on my way Nightwing. Hood, alert Batman; he's got the batmobile over in the Diamond District with Catwoman tonight. he can take Nightwing back to the cave.

Dick: *weak coughing* don't you fuck-ing dare- I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WAS A YAY OR A *cough* nay,

Tim: you see what fucking happens when you start talking about your childhood, Robin? Nightwing dies.

Jason: YOU ASKED. TO PLAY. ANOTHER ROUND.

Tim: I DIDN'T ADD STAKES TO THE GAME.

Dick: do i not get steak because i might pass out?

Tim: I- what?

Jason: s' thinkin about meat again,

Tim: oh. that wasn't the stake, Nightwing.

Damian: i'm here- holy- yeah Jason, get father now.

Jason: i texted him.

Damian: you texted him!? fucking nobody in this family understands the idea of urgency- ORACLE.

*ping*

Barbara: Batman is ten minutes out Robin, i alerted him of the situation.

Damian: THANK you.

*disconnecting ping*

Damian: *over the noise of fabric* at least somebody is being helpful. Nightwing stop moving i'm trying to apply pressure-

Jason: he's been through worse, pussy. the golden era seemed so bright because we were all loopy from blood loss half the time. a random-ass punctured lung? i've seen him beat Booster Gold in darts tournaments with those.

Dick, faintly: barbeque...

Jason: see?

Damian: we're not having a fucking barbeque Richard.

Dick: Tim didn't- he didn't give an answer.

*silence*

Tim: an answer to wh- oh fuck off, Nightwing.

Dick: if he gets it right i want steak- ow, Damian!

Damian: *unapologetic, slightly smug* sorry.

Jason: you heard him RR. he's on his deathbed and his last wish is you finish the round. yay or nay, did Robin get a boot kiss from Jeff Harmening?

*three seconds of silence*

Tim, pensive: take away the stakes-

Jason, instant: nope. you get it wrong and i want you ready to go, next gala, in that bathtub.

*another two seconds of silence*

Tim: i... pick... yay.

*silence*

Jason: aw fuck man-

Damian: correct!

Tim: W- REALLY?!

Dick, simultaneous: SERIOUSLY?! oh- ow, shouldn't have done that, ow,

Damian: *faint smack* stop trying to sit up.

Tim: I GOT IT RIGHT?! MOTHERFUCKER I GOT ONE RIGHT- *instant voice drop* dude you really let the ceo of Totino's kiss you?

Damian: it was a birthday gift. i felt bad.

Tim: wELL I GOT IT RIGHT. I GOT IT RIGHT I GOT IT RIGHT-

Jason, over Tim's yells: congratulations, kid. no bathtub for you.

*connecting ping*

Bruce, panicked: i'm almost there, how is he doi-

Tim: -I MADE LEAGUE DAYS MY FUCKING BITCH AND I AM NEVER GOING BACK. WE WIN THESE MOTHERFUCKER, WE FUCKING WIN! THESE!

Jason: oh, uh-oh,

Dick: *wet cough* *delirious* yeaaaahhhhhhh~ bar-be-queeeeeeee~!!!

Damian: shut up or i puncture the other lung- why are you so stuck on the meat thing??

Tim: *loud whooping*

Jason, hissing: Red shut up; B!

Tim: -WHOOOOOOOOoooo.... oh. hey B. when'd you join?

*silence*

*more silence*

Dick: *coughs pathetically*

Bruce: i am banning that game from patrol.

(continued in 37)

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 37 (masterpost here) (league days edition) (direct sequel to pt. 36)

Dick's voice, distant, coming from Damian's com: -with like, some roast potatoes. maybe some gravy...

Alfred, equally distant: of course, Master Richard.

Dick, delirious: they were tryna'- tryna put Tim in a bath.

Alfred, placating: were they now?

Dick: he does- he needs it Alfred. he's like a stray cat. he needs the bath.

Alfred, tired: yes, Master Richard. count backwards from ten.

Tim: i hope he drowns in his own fucking blood.

Jason: *snickers* he on that good shit.

Tim: Robin, are you coming back out or staying with Wing? i could use your help over here, it's kinda busy.

Damian: Father is staying with him, so i shall come back out. Batman, do you need any more assistance?

Bruce: not so fast. Robin, Red Robin, Hood; what happened?

*silence*

Robin: it feels unfair for you to do this when i'm the only one that has to look you in the eye.

Jason: sacrificed.

Damian, instant: fuck you Jason-

Bruce: BOYS.

*silence*

Bruce: what. happened.

Tim: *tentative* ...Nightwing got stabbed, i feel like that's self-explanatory...?

Bruce: *intimidating Batman voice* Nightwing was undergoing a routine takedown when he was injured so heavily that he has been forcefully knocked out to undergo surgery. do you three understand how serious this is? Dick is skilled enough that this would not have happened unless he was being sufficiently distracted, and you three certainly seemed to be acting unprofessional when i joined your line. so i will ask again. what happened.

*tense silence for 5 seconds*

Jason: ....talk about toxic,

Tim: -you really just expect Nightwing to be that skilled all the time-?

Jason: what, is he not allowed to make mistakes? talk about fucking pressure; that poor kid's expected to be perfect at all times-

Tim: -no wonder his blood pressure is through the roof- B you really need to re-evaluate your priorities regarding your children like come on,

Damian: *quiet snort*

Bruce: OI.

*abrupt silence*

Bruce, seething: i swear to you, i am at the end. of my tether. Red Hood and Red Robin, come back to the cave.

Jason: ...ok well no,

Tim: yeah not after that? what are we, stupid?

Bruce: *large intake of breath* ....ok then. we'll do this the hard way.

Bruce: Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, if you are not in this cave within the next twenty minutes, then i will hire Damian as your personal secretary at WE, and every time you need something done for you, you'll have to convince him to agree to taking orders from you. Damian, if you do not comply with this, then Titus will be put up for adoption.

Damian: ex-CUSE me?

Tim: HOLD ON- HOLD ON?

Jason: *evil chuckle* oooooh, that's brutal,

Bruce: and Jason... *trails off*

Jason, suddenly gleeful: yeah, go on. tell me one single thing you have to hold over my head. i dare you.

*silence*

Tim, grumbling: s' some bullshit,

Jason: i'm waitin', B.

*silence*

Damian: he has nothing, i can see it in his face.

Jason: fuckin' knew it,

Bruce: -i'll ground Damian to the manor for six months.

Jason: ...eh?

Damian, indignant: WHAT THE HELL.

Bruce: unless you join us in the cave, Damian will be unable to leave the manor for anything except school, for the next six months. which means if you want to see him, you will also have to be at the manor.

*silence*

*more silence*

Jason, definitively: Ra's was right. caring about people is a weakness.

~burst of static~ ~fast forwarding noises~

Bruce: now; what happened.

Jason: *sigh* we were playing league days. goldie joined the line half-way through the round, so he didn't understand what the fuck we were talking about. my guess is he decided trying to get context was more important than not getting stabbed, so it's not really our fault,

Tim: -yeah, like when Damian was listening to a podcast during a weapon shipment raid and he ended up with thirty stitches. you didn't blame the podcast hosts for that, did you?

Damian: i'm gonna set you on fire for bringing that up- don't you flip me- FATHER HE'S FLIPPING ME OFF.

Bruce: can you two just- just stop. for once.

Tim: i can't be blamed for having high amounts of energy right now. i'm still reeling from actually winning the round.

Bruce: yeah- Dick was mumbling something about steak and pizza rolls on the drive to the cave, what was that about?

Jason: oh, i told Timmers here that if he fucked up the round then next gala hosted at the manor he would have to interrupt whatever speech you gave by riding the old antique bathtub from guest room twelve down the stairs while it was full of water. Dickie-boy was a little confused about what kind of stakes we meant, so,

Damian, absently murmuring: well he's dyslexic, we can't blame him.

Jason: exactly, he's- *abrupt wheeze* *cackles*

Bruce: ...*tired sigh* ok. i'm going to need you to go through what happened, clearly and concisely. can any of you, with your intense training under various detectives and experts, manage that?

Tim: i mean i don't know what you'll gain from this but ok-,

Damian: it is not complicated, Father. i believe Grayson simply became confused about the nature of the prompt.

Bruce: which was?

Damian: ...whether or not it is true that Grandfather's birthday gift to me when i turned nine was Jeff Harmening kissing my boot and offering me his personal pet iguana.

*silence*

Jason: Jeff's the CEO of Totino's, so...

Tim: i mean he's the CEO of General Mills; Totino's by itself doesn't have a CEO, it's a part of a group of brands all owned by the same company that Harmening has been running since twenty-sevent-,

Jason: oh WOW what a gleaming well of information you have there Replacement. such wisdom. it's so sexy you must be drowning in pussy-,

Damian: *wheezes*

Bruce, affronted: JASON.

Tim, flatly: ...you are no longer my brother.

Jason: *evil snickers* look B, it's not that wild of a story. back when Damian was little he went through a phase where he wanted to try junk food-,

Damian: -because you told me if i didn't then my immune system would be weak to 'civillian food' and withot a tolerance i would die the moment i set foot in a modern city-

Jason: yeah, whatever- so Talia told Ra's he had to be nice to Day for his ninth birthday, and Ra's doesn't know what that kind of terminology means, so when i had personal guard duty in his chambers he told me that since i was 'freakishly emotional just like the little runt' that i should just pick something for him to get myself. so i said, 'well why don't you get him Totino's pizza rolls, because he's wanted to try that for a while now and i just haven't been on a mission anywhere that has them', and Ra's gave this weird little grunt and then told me to fuck off and check on the donkeys or something; i don't remember.

Tim: -i want it to be recognised that i had to listen to this story for the first time from Damian, completely alone on patrol with nobody else on the line but Jason, who kept trying to drink his slushie while laughing so hard he was breathing in chunks of ice. i want praise for keeping my cool.

Damian: keeping your cool- no wonder your nose is naturally so big; spouting shit like that all the time,

Jason: *cackles*

Tim, offended: i- what? my nose isn't- B my nose isn't that big is it?! B???

Bruce: *gritted* boys. keep on track.

Damian: *sigh* well, on my birthday Mother was called away for a potential league uprising emergency and she needed akhi's personal agents to help her. of course, since they only answer to Jason, he had to go with her, and after promising to celebrate my birthday the day they got back, i was left with Grandfather. who apparently decided to hit two birds with one stone. he said that i was safer outside of the compound until Mother returned victorious and decided my birthday would be spent personally visiting my present.

Jason: *still struggling not to laugh* thing is, Ra's sense of geography was very outdated, and at this point Dami's like, hardly ever left the desert. only city he knew well was Nanda Parbat from when me and my buddies would smuggle him into the bars for an evening. so those two together alone in fuckin' Minnesota? trying to get a sense of direction?

Damian, unimpressed: yeah. it took us like, a while. eventually we got it though, which was where i found out Grandfather had taken Jason's suggestion way too seriously and bought me the brand Totino's, rather than a box of microwavable pizza rolls. he then to establish dominance over his new 'underlings', demanded the CEO kiss my boot.

Jason, absent: -and then tried to get you to-

Damian: -and then tried to get me to take his iguana, yes. which i denied. because Jeff was crying and i felt bad.

Jason: *snort*

*a long stretch of silence*

Jason: ...so, B. yay or nay? truth or lie?

*a beat*

Bruce: -huh? what- no, Jason, i'm not playing the game. the entire point of this was to get you to realise how dangerous getting distracted by these trivial little games is while on patrol. both for you and your brothers!

Tim: so you don't wanna know if that whole story was bullshit or not? i mean it's a grown man kissing your nine year old-

Damian, quietly: on the boot,

Tim: -which is objectively weirder,

Bruce: fine then. well? was it true?

Jason: ...oh we aren't fucking telling you until you guess.

*a beat*

Bruce: *incredulous* Jason-

Damian: he's right, Father. you have to play.

Bruce: i am not encouraging this-!

Jason: *tongue click* ok well, i'm just saying Tim actually got it right; so like, if you don't also get it right, we're proving right here and now that he's surpassed you in detective skills.

Tim, smug: yeeeeeeee~ bitch,

Jason: come on, what's it gonna be. yay, or nay?

*three seconds of silence*

Bruce, grave: ok that's it. this conversation is over. everybody go take off their suits, we're done. Oracle, you can stand down for the night.

*faint echoing boots* *disconnecting ping*

Tim, quietly: pussy.

Jason: *whispering* fucker's logging off so he can stall, he's just waiting until we go into the changing rooms so he can google who the current main investor of Totino's is.

Damian: jokes on him. i told my stocks and bought a boat years ago.

Tim: ...you did?

Jason, fond: oh yeah, i remember that boat. i lived on that boat for a while, y'no.

Tim: you were in the middle of a desert??

Damian: yeah i was nine, it wasn't a smart financial choice. it looked cool sat on the sand dunes though.

[papayafromtv]

ok so we can all agree the whole brotherly thing between damian and jason at the league is cute as fuck, but hear me out. it's funnier if jason was just his tutor, nothing more.

imagine how awkward that would be for damian once he got to gotham. like. that's the equivalent of coming home from college and finding out your literature professor has been adopted by your father and is now your sibling. IMAGINE THAT FROM DAMIAN'S PERSPECTIVE.

bruce: damian, i want you to meet jason, my son. he's been through a lot, but he's still a part of the family and i want you to get to know him as your new brother.

damian:

jason, awkwardly refusing to make eye contact:

damian: ...mr todd?

bruce:

bruce: what.

LIKE. JASON IS THE EQUIVILENT OF DAMIAN'S PRIMARY SCHOOL TEACHER (elementary school for americans) AND DAMIAN IS JUST. RANDOMLY TOLD THIS IS HIS NEW BIG BROTHER. THAT WOULD BE INSANE FOR HIM.

~

jason: so uh, obviously this is interesting...

damian: you gave me detention two months ago.

jason: *snorts* uh. yeah...

damian: you had a dunce hat.

jason: wELL I'D NEVER TAUGHT ANYONE ANYTHING BEFORE I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO D-

~

tim: so what was the league like? i mean, you must have trained a lot since you pretty much didn't need any training from bruce before coming on patrols. what was it like?

damian:

jason behind tim, making cut-throat gestures frantically:

damian: ...

tim: *waiting expectantly*

damian: i got put in time out for disagreeing with my sensei's opinion on jam flavours once.

jason: *abruptly ducks away, putting both palms over his mouth to avoid laughing*

tim:

damian: i had never tasted jam, at the time.

~

*at the breakfast table*

jason: yo dami, pass me the juice.

damian: *not paying attention*

jason:

jason: OI. JUICE OR YOU WONT GET A GOLD STAR ON YOUR CHART.

damain, instinctively, snapping upwards: -YES SENSEI SORRY SENSEI-

damain:

jason:

damian:

damian: *grumpily hands over the juice* i hate when you do that.

dick: what the fuck.

[papayafromtv]

scenarios Alfred Pennyworth has to be a witness to as a resident of Wayne Manor that the batkids have absolutely no shame in front of whatsoever part 2

*Alfred, walking into Jason's open bedroom with a laundry basket*

Damian's voice, coming from the bathroom: you're an idiot. that was not there before you went into the pit.

Jason: it was! it's a birthmark, i'm telling you.

Damian: it's a scar.

Jason: it's not- AY WHO'S OUT THERE?

Alfred: i'm simply delivering your laundry, Master Jason.

Jason: OK GREAT GET IN HERE ALFIE.

Alfred:

Alfred: *sighing* coming.

*in the bathroom*

Alfred:

Alfred:

Jason, completely butt-ass naked, dripping wet from the shower, shaving cream over his chin and a razor in hand, shamelessly gesturing to a white slash across his pelvis: this was here back when i was Robin, right? it's a birthmark and not a scar?

Damian, wearing a Red Hood onesie and sitting cross-legged on the closed toilet lid, a 3DS in hand, also completely unbothered: it's a fucking scar from when you went into pit rage and attacked a bunch of people at the league, Jason.

Alfred:

Alfred, so tired: i'm afraid i do not have a catalogue of your birthmarks, Master Jason. I am unaware of if it was there before you sadly left us.

Jason: *turns to Damian* its a damn birthmark.

Damian: it's NOT-

Alfred: Master Damian... were you in here the whole time Master Jason was showering?

Damian:

Damian: well yeah, he knows all the cheat codes for my game.

Jason: i don't mind, he used to keep watch for assassination attempts when i'd shower at the league.

Alfred:

Alfred: but you aren't at the league anymore, Master Jason.

Jason:

Damian:

Jason: i really don't-

Damian: -don't see how that's relevant-

Jason: -doesn't matter does it?

Alfred:

Alfred spinning on his heel: i'd say i was surprised by the lack of shame, but your father started his late teens off by putting on a cape and jumping off buildings in the middle of the night, so who am i to judge.

Jason, calling after him: hey can you send Dick in here? he knows this shit's a birthmark for SURE-

Damian: for fucks sake Jason I'M THE ONE WHO STITCHED IT UP-!

[papayafromtv]

conversations overheard through the batkid com lines pt 35 (masterpost here)

*strong air whooshing*

Dick: *whoop* alllriiiight, i see you guys! comin' down!

Tim, grumbling: 'bout time.

*faint metal snips*

Dick: yeah yeah, i'll never be good enough for you, *grunt* *impact against concrete* okay, so.......

*silence*

Dick, intensely baffled: .......what the everloving fuck're you two doing?

Damian, impatient: *faint metal snipping* what does it look like?

Tim: we figured it would just be quicker to do it here while waiting rather than have to stay up later after patrol and do it then.

*silence* *metal snipping*

Dick: Damian. what the fuck.

*absence of snips*

Damian: *sigh* what?

*silence for 3 seconds*

Damian: you're ridiculous. *snipping resumes*

Tim: he's been cutting my hair since like. he first came to Gotham, Dick. how are you this surprised?

Damian: stop moving your head.

Tim: sorry.

Dick, awestruck: you mean this is a regular thing between you two?! HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN START?

Tim: i dunno... my hair was really long. he wanted to apologise for trying to kill me. as it turns out he can cut hair really well. it just kinda... happened. cheaper i guess.

Damian: *over metal snipping* yeah 'cause you never would have been able to afford it.

Tim: oi.

Dick: you can't- you can't seriously tell me Damian's been giving out patrol haircuts for the past few years and I've never heard of it before,

Damian: don't be ridiculous.

Tim: yeah, we've only had the free time to do it on patrol like, four times. usually we just do it in his room.

Dick: what the fu- YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU'VE BEEN GETTING COMPLIMENTS ON YOUR BARBER FOR THE PAST THREE YEARS AND IT'S BEEN BECAUSE OF THIS? HOW DOES DAMIAN KNOW HOW TO CUT HAIR THIS GOOD?!?!

Damian: what, you think akhi learnt how to style that ridiculous post-lazarus haircut all by himself? when he first came out of the pit he was mostly catatonic; i was the only person actually bothering to take care of him like a person.

Dick: ....you're telling me you learnt how to style peoples hair because you were using newly-resurrected Jason as your male barbie?

*silence*

Damian, decisively: yes.

Tim: it's called a ken, you mollusc.

*silence*

*even more silence*

Damian: ok, Drake, give me your phone so i can take a video; see if you're happy with this.

Dick: i'm going to lose my fucking mind-